At a loss - Step Daughter

[thephin]

Greetings. This is my first time on this site. I have a DSS (11 yr) and a DSD (9 soon to be 10). I have been involved in their lives for 4 yrs now. 2 yrs ago, their mom abandoned them - did not want to pick them up one day. My DP and I had a hard time counseling them through their sadness and re-arranging their lives (new school, etc). Their mom had a drug problem that went from bad to worse. 5 mos ago, she came back, wanting to be a part of the children's lives totting her newborn in tow. We are seeing a child specialist regularly. However, my DSD is acting out "I hate you; I never loved you; you are pathetic"... she claims that I ruined everything btwn mom and dad. I met my DP well after the fact. Mom kicked DP out for her new boyfriend to move in...I am at a loss. My DSD and I used to always have 'girl time'. Now, she won't even look at me or speak to me. I am grasping at straws trying to understand. Sorry for the long rant...

hug and welcome to mn
all stepmothers should be gifted with endless, endless, endless patience and tolerance at the point of becoming a stepmum.
you sound like you have all of that and are doing a wonderful job! your stepchildren are very lucky to have you, even if they do not realise that now. your dsd is probably acting out on you because she cares about you - she knows that it is "safe" to take out her anger on you as you will not leave her like her mother did.
my dss (7) is about to start counselling regarding the issues he has with his parents divorce and the fact that his mother did not want him to live with her. his counsellor told us that he will take out his anger and frustration on us, the people closest to him for that reason.
you really are doing wonderfully. and you're not on your own

i was told that ss was so nasty about me was so that his mother would look good in his mind though the truth is very different.

Message withdrawn

Thank you for all your comments. My DP is just as frustrated and confused by my DSDs actions. My DP was trying to correct her the other night and she went into a tirade, baracaded herself in her room screaming awful things at the top of her lungs - all b/cause it was bedtime and she could not watch her show (which we recorded for her). We are torn and our specialist suggested that she goes to live with her mom for two weeks. We know her mother is saying things to DSD to turn her against us. My DSS is upset by his sister's actions and feels he has to defend us - which spirals into another argument. My DSS is a little older and communicates his feelings with his dad.

I agree with anniemac's post completely.

It is unfortunately down to you to take the brunt of this unfortunately. Your dsd is just in a mess, desperately confused. I think she needs to know she's on totally solid ground, that you are not going to 'get rid' of her....I'm really wondering whether it was a helpful suggestion that she goes to 'live' with her mum for two weeks. I think this would only serve to confuse your poor dsd even more. Yes, she can see her mum and no-one is stopping that, but that does not affect where she lives. She lives with you and her dad.

I think that needs to be clear and not something that's up for negotiation.

Her mum sounds highly unlikely to be a stable figure in her life - give it time and I think she will either disappear again, or her involvement could settle into a routine if she's able to provide this....

Just make sure that you and your DP get plenty of time out, support eachother, and appreciate eachother for getting through this time. It must be so hard, but I think constancy and stability is what your dsd needs. She doesn't know it, but she will thank you for standing by her, one day!

ooh too many 'unfortunately's! Must preview!

All of you are amazing women! I get confused, wondering if I am doing the right thing. I know it is not an easy position for my DSD. I too had a stepmum once - I was always accepting because she made my dad so happy. What I learned from my stepmum I brought into my relationship with my DSKs.

My DP and I are going to try a behavior/reward chart to hopefully try to help both DSKs (not single out DSD). We are going to invlove the mom and the rest of the family in this process to try and create consistency in the DSKs lives.

My DP and I don't want to send her to her mom's, but the child specialist seems to think this is for the best. He says our DSD is putting herself under 'stress' which could do more harm than good. Small background - her mom is bipolar and the specialist thinks our DSD might develop schizophrenia...

My DP and I have done our best to keep stability our main focus in the DSKs lives. The moment the mom came back all heck broke loose. Unfortunately, the courts (in Canada) favour/sympathize the mom, especially a mom who is a recovering drug addict and a new mother. She played all her cards in court and wanted my DP to pay maintenance. Had it been the reverse (my DP), the outcome would have been a lot different. Thankfully, we don't have to pay maintenance, but neither does she.

My DP and I try to find time for 'us', but it is hard.

It sounds like a very difficult situation. I think you are doing fantastically well to cope with all that.

My half-brother was a bit of a nightmare when he was a teenager and my parents ended up giving him a choice of living with them or living with our maternal grandmother. He chose to go with our maternal grandmother and we then didn't see him for 10 years by which time he was doing nothing much with his life - he has never had a stable job, smokes lots of grass and drinks lots of alcohol. I wonder whether it would have been different if he had never had that choice.

I would second the others, although it is difficult to reject what a professional says. Can you challenge the specialist and explain that you think she should stay with you in order to have consistency? See how they justify their suggestion and then make up your own mind. It is only a professional OPINION and not necessarily right.

I agree full heartedly with all of you. We have another court date on March 20. I know this is only for 2 weeks and we do get to see her on the weekends during that time. Total contact is not completely broken from us and DSD. If after two weeks, my DP and I see any bad/good, we can always end it. Who knows, the mom might actually feel overwhelmed driving my DSD to and from school everyday; taking care of her newborn as well as her partners two children.

I so hope you see this thephin, I know it was last week now but have only just been able to come back on line...

I'm just really really concerned about what this 'specialist' is saying....I think the advice on a few weeks living with her mum is questionable, and the advice on your dsd possibly developing schizophrenia because her mum is bipolar is just dangerous, as far as I'm concerned!

Who is this specialist and what are her qualifications?

I would tread really cautiously around this person.....and get second opinions on what she says before you believe her.

Sunnysideup, I am so torn about this.

I am worried. My DP went to the school yesterday to make sure DSD was there and picked up on time. When he got there, she was playing outside with no winter clothes on. It is -7 where we live and lots of snow. I don't know why her mom did not insist that DSD wear a warmer jacket and boots. I know my DSD has those items as I packed them for her. I know that DSD has to learn what to do/not to do on her own. Given the opportunity, DSD will always do what she wants. There is no structure at her mom's. I am being too caddy?

We are seeing the specialist tomorrow night. I have some questions lined up to ask. The specialist is a man and he has a lot of credentials and has been working in this field for over 20 years.

It is frustrating to us that she go with her mom right now. We have put so much time, effort and money fighting the courts. We have done everything that has been asked of us and the ex has produced nothing. She has not attended any parenting after separation seminars; not produced financials... My DP and I seem to be the ones trial - and she is not held accountable at all. I just don't understand - she was the one who abandoned her children.

I am trying to be polite... but some days it is so hard... I just want to protect my DSKs from any harm. I don't know what the right thing is anymore. I wanted to tell DSD the truth about her mom yet I was told that I would be the one doing more harm than good.

I can understand how hard this must be for you but I think in lots of ways you can take the pressure off yourself here - you packed the warm clothes and you simply cannot ensure that her mum will be ensuring she wears them or that her mum takes adequate care; but if I were you I would note down dates of any occurrences like this just in case it's useful in the future....but so long as your dd ISN'T living with her mum then I think it's not too much of an issue; she gets well looked after with you and her dad...

Yes the specialist may have lots of credentials but hmmmmmmmm...... to some of his advice! I hope not a WHISPER of his suggestion about the schizophrenia has made it to your dsd's ear?????? I still think you might want to get second opinions on what he's saying....what's he a specialist in? Is he specifically qualified to say where she should live? Is he mental health trained?

Do try not to worry about her, though I know how hard it must be. I think you just need to carry on providing the stable and loving home that you obviously do.

My DP and I said nothing about schizophrenia to my DSD (or anyone else). We don't talk about court/mom/or anything else to do with this situation within an earshot of the children. If my DP has to have a conversation with the ex, he leaves the room so the children don't overhear any arguing.

The ex is not as respectful though...

We are making notes/keeping tabs on our calendars; writing in our special journals should it need to be entered as evidence in court. I have 4 years of notes on calendars, recording neglect on the ex's part or concerns the children mention.

The specialist is well educated in this field. He has lots of experience in this area as well as with crack recovering addicts.

My DSD has built up a fantasy about mom being angelic and perfect. The specialist is involved with the reintegration and mediated conversations initially btwn DSK and mom. During one of the supervised meetings, he mentioned to us that the children will be heartbroken. Mom is promising DSK the world, i.e. buying their love, but no nurturing. Mom wants the glory but none of the work. The specialist sees this and sees that we are trying to protect DSK from this fantasy. Mom created this picture perfect world and now she is being held accountable for it. DSD needs to see that the grass is not always as green on the other side.

It is one of those situations where you knew it is going to be hard, but not this hard.

We do try our best and put the children's needs first - always.

I just meant I hope the specialist hadn't been telling your dsd she might get schizophrenia! I didn't think for a moment that you or your dp would have said it, you sound far to intelligent and caring for that....

Just wanted to say I really feel for you as you are in such a difficult position - being the step mum here must be a VERY thankless task at the moment....

Very best of luck with it......

Good morning SS,

Thank you so much for taking the time to chat! I have been going through some of the other topics on this forum and it is nice to know I am not the only one having difficulties.

We saw the child specialist last night. It was the first time in a long time where my DP and I did not feel beaten up for 'poor' parenting skills. We talked about my DSD and her breakdowns. The specialist, initially, did not anticipate how strong an influence the mom has on DSD. He admitted this situation was a learning experience for him as it is for us. He knows we are trying and assured us that our hard work is not in vain.

Honestly; I knew it was going to be this bad. I am (un)fortunately slightly removed and can see a lot more (from a step-parent view). I did try to convey my concerns earlier to both the specialist and DP.

However, it is time to move forward and try to make things more pleasant in our family life . The specialist thought the pasta in a jar as a behaviour reward is a great idea! Instead of pasta, we are going to use marbles.

My DSS is on board - likes the idea of earning $$ or time on computer.

Thanks to all for letting me vent and share. ((hugs))