DSD refusing contact with her dad

[coffeeisnectar]

My DSD is 12 and lives about 60-80 minutes away from us. She hasn't been here since just after Christmas when she was here for four days. During that visit she wanted to sleep over at her friends meaning she wouldn't be here for two of those days. DP refused because he hadn't had her here since September. All hell broke out (she was at her friends and texting saying she was refusing to come back). Dp said if she was here more often then he wouldn't have the issue of her staying at a friends but he wanted to spend time with her. She responded by saying that it wasn't her fault he refused to see her the weekend before Christmas (we didn't, we were happy to but she then said she had a party on the saturday and wanted to come Sunday to Tuesday - we already had tickets bought to go to London all day monday) and her mum always tells him regularly when she's free (she doesn't - ex never contacts dp) and he obviously can't be bothered to see her.

My youngest is 10 and is being assessed for ASD and yes, she does have pretty major melt downs at times but they are worse when DSD is here because obviously it throws family life out the window as she knows it. When DSD was here a lot more regularly it was easier, DD found it easier to cope with the changes and when DSD was here for an extended period it was a lot better as they all settled and actually got on well.

So DSD now won't even talk to DP on the phone. He has tried calling her mobile, the landline and she won't answer. Ex messaged dp and said she doesn't want to talk to you. No explanation.

DP saw DSD on monday when he was dropping my oldest off at a club they both attend. He gave her an Easter Egg we had bought and spoke to her very briefly. She told him she doesn't want to come here because of DD shouting. DP asked why that affects her talking to him on the phone. She wouldn't answer.

So we have no clue why she won't talk to him. Last time she was here all the issues were caused by her not my DD. He is a bit lost as to what to do now.

It's her birthday next month and we know he won't get to see her.

It sounds like she's doing what a lot of 12 year olds do and prioritising social things with her friends above other things and isn't yet mature enough to compromise and balance things well. My DD is 12 and also does that - including texting from a friend's demanding a sleepover at short notice - and it's also affected how much she sees of her dad, though he's local so it's a bit easier than for your DP. But it also sounds like your DSD is feeling hurt that she doesn't see so much of her dad anymore (even though rationally, that may be at least in part because of her social life). Going out somewhere together might be less forced than speaking on the phone - a lot of kids/teens aren't good on the phone. Tehy're used to texting and messaging rather than phoning for a chat.

Can your DP arrange times to see her to take her out somewhere to spend time with just her? Or are there any times when your DD is not around (at her dad's maybe?) when DSD could visit? Your DD shouting may not be the real reason she doesn't want to come, but there could well be some jealousy of your DD living with her dad so some time when she gets him to herself (with or without you) might help?

~Thanks for the reply

My DD's don't see their dad so my DD is here all the time but I have made a concerted effort to either arranged a play date with another friend at their house on days DSD is here or taken her out for the day myself so DSD and her dad have time on their own. My oldest is nearly 18 and is invariably in her room or at work on weekends.

DP's ex never offers contact and any time he has asked for it, it has been refused or the offer of contact comes with stipulations.

She only seems to want to sit on Skype all day long with her friends and I think that's the issue because both DP and I think that it's not acceptable to be on a laptop from 8am until 10pm at night. I think she's left to her own devices at home and coming here stops her from doing that.

At the age of 12 she shouldn't be able to dictate that she can't come to see you. Won't her mum enforce this?

I understand that at about 12/13 it becomes all about friends though. Could her Dad allow to stay over at her friends one night this time? Just to show willing?

It is a long time since Christmas not to come. This must be stressful for your DP.

He did say that if she was coming EOW as she used to that he would be quite happy for her to stay at her friends on the Friday night and come to us Saturday so she got to see her friends and spent time with her dad.

Her mum won't enforce anything.

I have found that as my kids got to that age, and they started to be involved in more activities, invitations etc... that took place the week-end, it became harder to implement the EOW rota. Thankfully, both myself and OH and their dad and partner were on the same page on this, accepted that it was their fault we were separated and therefore this impacted on their social life and were fine with the arrangement becoming more flexible.

It was a gradual process, but nowadays, at 13 and 16, it seems to be very much a case of them going when they want to, but with prior agreement (as indeed, it's not for any of us adults to change our plans systematically to suit them). It also means that one might go Friday evening and come back Saturday night, whilst the other go Saturday and come back Sunday.

I think your OH needs to show his daughter that he is prepared to discuss some flexibility in the schedule but that this will require excellent communication and planning and she has a responsibility for that.

As for your DD, I appreciate that routine helps her, but it wouldn't be fair to refuse a more flexible arrangement purely for the benefit of your DD. She does not have a responsibility towards her.

We haven't had DSD EOW for 2 years now. Her mum moved away with her and since then contact has been sporadic at best.

He has never said she has to come EOW but if she's only going to come and see him once every three months then quite obviously he wants to spend those few days with her, not have her going off to see friends for most of the time. If she was coming more regularly, even once a month then he'd be more amenable to her going for sleepovers at her friends.

I don't expect everything to revolved round my DD and if DSD is coming then DD gets excited because she likes spending time with her. However, DSD doesn't want to interact with her and that's what causes most of the issues. So as I stated before I try and take DD out on our own so that the conflict is removed.

DP would just like to have some contact with his DD. At the moment she refuses to answer her phone, never mind discuss actually seeing him. I'm not sure how he can discuss anything with her when she's just point blank refusing to communicate at all.

Oddly, her older sister is with us today and apparently she's the same with her. Refusing to speak to her and has no contact with her either.