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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Any other SMs out there with full residency?

11 replies

lateforeverything · 02/04/2016 20:02

Just that really

I'd be interested to hear about SMs' experiences of living with DSC full-time. How well dsc have adjusted, how much contact the dsc have mum etc. Some of you may have read my posts before but as I'm still new here's my background:

Met dh when dss was 2 and he had 50/50 residency. In reality though dss spent very little time with dh's exw as she was busy out partying with the om. Dss and I clicked straight away and formed an extremely strong bond. Dss is now 12 and dh and I got married 8 years ago.

Long story short, dh's exw went on to marry om's best mate and essentially abandoned dss and signed residency to us, including PR for me. This went through court went dss was 7. She seemed very relieved when this happened, telling me that I was the mother that dss needed...

We now live in a different county to dh's exw (agreed in advance between the 3 of us, i.e. the adults) and she has cut dss out of her life entirely... No Christmas cards, birthday cards or anything. She often writes on FB that her life has 'never been better'. There have been soooooo many false promises throughout dss' life of visits, gifts etc that I suppose it's better for dss that they are not in touch... he didn't feel like he could trust her and felt pushed out by her 2nd dh, who basically couldn't bear to be around dss because 1) he looks so much like his dad and 2) he's always wanted a dd, not a ds so they are now trying...

We don't live that far away that a visit is impossible by any means (she is in Europe and we are in England) and I genuinely never thought it would turn out this way. We have never, ever 'closed the door' and I think that this has played a huge part in how happy and well-adjusted dss is. Despite the rejection, he has a stable family unit and has called me 'mum' for years now.

Anyway, like I said I'd be interested to hear from other SMs in similar circumstances as I feel very much like a minority

OP posts:

Original poster

lateforeverything · 02/04/2016 20:07

Oh, I forgot to add that we have taken dss over to Europe to visit but dh's exw either didn't not show up/showed up extremely late or brought dss back early saying that 'he wanted his mum'

OP posts:

Toounhappynow · 02/04/2016 20:25

No experience at all but you sound fantastic. DSS is super lucky to have you and you are very much his mum.

Original poster

lateforeverything · 02/04/2016 21:25

Thanks Toounhappynow

Hopefully looking into a full adoption this year, fingers crossed.

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 03/04/2016 01:19

I had one DSD for five years full time, her mum asked DP to take her in just before we got together as she found her too difficult.

You sound like you have a very good and strong bond, thank goodness you were there for him! It also sounds clear that his mum handed over the mother role to you.

I found it very difficult, my DSD wanted only to be a peer in the house, jostled a lot to be a coauthority figure to younger kids, was struggling herself to find a place in her own family I think, she didn't fit with her siblings, her mum and found it hard to accept me. Her mother still kept control of her role by telling DSD she didn't have to listen to me, undermined me a lot, and even positive support got a frosty reception. She treated DP rudely. It got so that it negatively affected the whole household. She moved back in with her mum aged 18, and although I'm sad I couldn't help her, I'm able to parent the other kids without constant battling.

Original poster

lateforeverything · 03/04/2016 10:21

Morning bananas that's very interesting, thanks for the reply.

Dss is a very easy-going, well-behaved child, yet when she did spend time with him, his bio mum often complained of him 'being a pain' which surprised me. I later discovered that 'being a pain' did not mean unmanageable behaviour, it meant constantly asking for dd and me and asking why dd and I always did more fun things than she did. (Harsh but true in our case.)

I really feel for SMs who are undermined as you were and I hadn't realised how fortunate I have been in this case. Dss' bio mum supported and encouraged dss to call me Mummy, especially when he moved in full-time. Our case is pretty unique though, given that dh and I have hosted dss' birthdays etc and have been widely viewed as dss' parents by friends and family locally in dss' hometown in Europe for as long as I can remember.

I think that the acceptance that you mentioned is so important in helping family dynamics to settle down. Thanks again for opening my eyes and giving me a lot to think about.

OP posts:

GreenGoth89 · 03/04/2016 16:29

We've had DSS living with us for 10/11 months now and I wouldn't wish it any other way - DSS doesn't have much contact with his mum and I don't yet have PR but we get along ok. Still having to address issues with his behaviour but this is partly because he had a very difficult start.

Original poster

lateforeverything · 03/04/2016 19:12

Hi there GreenGoth thanks for the reply. How old is dss? Are you going for residency/pr through the courts?

I'm glad that you wouldn't wish it any other way... there don't seem to be many of us on here!

May I ask what the situation is with dss' mum?

OP posts:

GreenGoth89 · 03/04/2016 19:38

He's 4 y/o. Mum just asked us to have him when DP moved in with me. He's seen her for 5 hrs in the past 4 months. She's in and out of abusive situations. We don't have anything formal set up purely due to costs - and I was told that I couldn't have PR unless I was married to DP, which we're saving up for.

WeeTinyMe · 03/04/2016 19:43

I am incredibly new to this but am in the process of looking for a house for me, dp, and all our children.
I will have his children full time as their mum is deceased.
Being honest I am apprehensive and nervous about it but hearing stories like yours makes me see that it can work. X

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 04/04/2016 01:50

Yes we do waves.

We have full residency of SDC and I have PR.

Their 'D'M only has court ordered indirect contact if she can be bothered

Original poster

lateforeverything · 04/04/2016 08:59

Morning all! Good to hear a few more stories As I said in my OP it's clear that we're in the minority.

Good luck with wedding planning GreenGoth. 5 hours contact in 4 months is paltry but if she is in abusive situations then dss is safer with you and dp. Is dss' behaviour affected by mum getting in touch/seeing him? My dss' used to be a bit but he stopped paying attention to her eventually as there were far too many false promises.

How old are your dsc WeeTinyMe? In our case yes, it has really worked out and a lot of that has depended on the support that I've had from dh. There were a few things to adjust to but now you honestly wouldn't even know that there was anything 'step' about our situation.

DontcarehowIwantitnow can I ask why only indirect contact was court ordered? In our case bio mum was offered direct contact every other weekend, half the holidays etc as long as she gave us two weeks' notice but she has not visited dss in 4+ years. She has not made indirect contact in over a year.

Sorry for all of the questions. It's just that I love my dss so much that I cannot imagine ever not having him in my life. We are 2 peas in a pod and his legs are across me on the sofa as I type. Bliss! I will never understand how anyone could give up such a lovely boy and try for another baby instead

OP posts:

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