It's now 5 years

[Eliza22]

Seven years ago, married DH against wishes of youngest sd. Was NOT OW. His ex had an affair and marriage broke down. Have two other steps, one is fine, the other delightful. Despite all efforts, youngest sd took herself off and stopped contact at 17. We tried really hard to get her to come back but she was adamant that any contact with dad HAD to be in MY absence.

So long has gone by. DH wants to try persuading her to come round again. He's astonished that I'm reticent. I haven't said no just that it's difficult for me to take any interest in her or in her return, due to the terrible things I've been accused of and blamed for.

What would you do?

No if u knew him u would know he did this with the consent of his mother to cause trouble. Dh saying we miss him will be making him and his mum very happy. Also that your half siblings miss him? They haven't missed him one bit! I'm just pissed dh has lied. If he had said to him were all great no one talks about u or misses you he prob would have been back (with his mother egging him on) to try and make trouble

I don't think you should be too concerned Frodo - your DH probably does miss him in a way, but acknowledges in another part of himself that he is happy with you and it is stressful with his son causing trouble. I imagine he doesn't want to acknowledge that to his son that is all.

Thanks bananas xx just don't want him and his mum to think they got what they wanted when it's the opposite! It's him missing out not us! Xxxxx

Frodo he's a kid. If his mother has put him up to this id say she's emotionally abusive.
You haven't seen him for years so he was a young teen?
I think you could be a bit more compassionate towards your dh.

Yes dss might have done bad things but if he's being told to do it by he's mother it's just learned behaviour.

Yes your dh probably does feel a piece of the family is missing. Wouldn't you if it was your child?

Ive just read that you banned him from the house age , what? 13? Then got the hump when he refuses to see you? I don't blame him.
I can't believe your dh allowed you to ban his 13 yr old child from the house.

Well then, I think I'd be glad just not to have to tolerate the DSC in my house, but I'd try to have compassion for DH, as it must be very hard to acknowledge the fact that your own child is a disruptive influence in your family life....and even harder to know that you have no chance of contact with them!

My dh would have (and does) say exactly the same to his son who won't visit. Your dh is just trying to say what everyone wants to hear. Small price to pay for your sanity.

Sounds like your being made the scape goat for all your dp family woes, the sd can't be seen to blame her parents especially her mum, so your the next in line female and get all her rage.

Her mother has never accepted her part in any of this coupled with it going tits up with the other man, so she too blames you.

Your blamed for keeping the dad away and not allowing him to reconcile with the mum, it's a never ending cycle of denial, mum and dsd are feeding the fire constantly. Sadly unless one of them has an epiphany it will continue on. Your dp has to bite the bullet and point out a few home truths, you should maybe stop pandering and not going to things.

Frodo that's a tough one. I think that's how my sd started off, all those years ago. I think she thought dad would automatically side with her and has spent years punishing him because he didn't support her in the way he thought she should. Now, I'm not sure she even cares....she's got her relationship with dad (minus me) and that's what she wanted. These kids want dad to choose. They want to exert the ultimate power. If she'd been a ten yr old or even early teens I could forgive her, but not now.

Oh, have just noticed "page 2" posts. Frodo he was very very young when you banned DSS from your home. I don't think that's good, tbh.

With my dsd, she was never banned....always encouraged, I wrote to her offering the olive branch, made many many allowances for her behaviour because she was only 16/17. At that point, she started refusing to visit and ignored all attempts to sort things out. Very different situation here. I'm not judging you but a 13 yr old boy does need his dad and I have no doubt that you DH must miss him terribly.

Yes Guiltypleasures. I think you have something there. Before we married, DH and I had a brief break up. It was a "are we doing the right thing" wobble and after a few months, we realised we were! But, the day following DH telling his daughter "Eliza and I are having some time apart, to think" his ex contacted him saying they should meet for dinner/effect a less separated relationship/be friends. Obviously, he didn't take her up in this. There were then tearful exchanges on her part asking that they think about all the happy times they'd shared. Months later, I phoned DH. To say hello....tell him I was thinking of him. Within hours he'd driven 159 miles to tell me he loved me! We've been together ever since. When he told his 3 "Eliza and I are getting married" his youngest took it very very badly. DH and I then slowed things down and it was actually 18 months later that I moved in and we married a month later. DH said he was NOT prepared to have this disapproval from his daughter and he didn't need the kids' permission to move in, remarry and be happy. The rest is history. Imo....she has never forgiven him.

It sounds like this situation has absorbed far too much of your emotional energy.

I understand your dh, it's his child and he wants a relationship with her. You do not need to facilitate that in any way.

Ask him out of respect can she not come to the house whilst you are there but if you have plans to be out then tell him you don't mind.

Please try to be relieved that you don't have to suffer this woman at social events! Don't give her too much ownership in your brain, she isn't worth it.

Two people hating each other like this is unhealthy.

Advise your husband that you have closed the door on that part of your life and you do not want to revisit it.

Explain that although the situation is far from ideal it's how it is and cannot be repaired by you, him or anyone then highlight briefly the suffering you have been through since you met him as a consequence of his previous marriage & children.

That should quieten him down.

Good luck

Very wise and spot on advice QuiteLikely, and it's the advice I am following being in the same situation with my dh's children. Unless you are dealing with a very young stepchild, it takes two to nurture any relationship, and sometimes you do reach the point of no return.

Quite right, it does take two to nurture a relationship. I think some step children are able to be child like for longer than normal, and that includes manipulating a guilty Dad (regardless of whether they've done anything) and expecting the SM to always be wrong footed and offer an unconditional free emotional pass.

I know that my older DSDs still come to visit and literally sit down in silence expecting me to make all the effort.

But with younger kids it is different, they are still incredibly dependent.

Bananas you've just described what has always been my problem- dh's adult children have always been silent, never starting conversations, expecting me to make the effort as in an adult/child situ, or perhaps indeed not wanting me to either.

They now have partners themselves, and I asked dh how he thinks they would feel if he behaved towards their partners in the same way they behave towards me. Dh conceded that they demand acceptance and respect for their other halves.

Hormonal exactly, you ate so right!

Hormonal - yes that is a very good perspective on it. I might try this with my DP.