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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

It's now 5 years

67 replies

Eliza22 · 07/03/2016 21:58

Seven years ago, married DH against wishes of youngest sd. Was NOT OW. His ex had an affair and marriage broke down. Have two other steps, one is fine, the other delightful. Despite all efforts, youngest sd took herself off and stopped contact at 17. We tried really hard to get her to come back but she was adamant that any contact with dad HAD to be in MY absence.

So long has gone by. DH wants to try persuading her to come round again. He's astonished that I'm reticent. I haven't said no just that it's difficult for me to take any interest in her or in her return, due to the terrible things I've been accused of and blamed for.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 11/03/2016 08:50

Well then, don't let her see the damage, in your place I would consider her as a stranger, in whom I was not interested! The one proviso I would give to DH....do not mention me or our family to DD when you see her!

Original poster

Eliza22 · 11/03/2016 11:16

Wdigin2this....easy done. DH doesn't mention me as it upsets her.

OP posts:

HormonalHeap · 11/03/2016 11:42

Wdingin I disagree on that one- if when he sees dsd he never mentions Eliza's existence or that of their life together, he's just re-affirming dsd's fantasy that she doesnt exist.

This is how I feel as I have the identical situation in that ss 19 lived with us for 2 years till he was 15. His behaviour to me was so bad that I almost cried with relief when he went to the other end of the country to be with his mum. He will only meet dh away from the home and dh doesn't mention my name nor that of my children for fear of ruining their time together.

Annoying but I have much less stress in my life. I think you have to slowly work at convincing your dh to see her oit of the home. He can see you get on fine with the other two so can hardly place the blame at your door.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/03/2016 14:03

My dh has a relationship with sd that has nothing to do with the rest of us. Her choice.

There's the occasional 'happy birthday' text sent on the dc's birthdays and that's it.

This is after her being truly horrible to him, to me, about our children...

She's in her twenties and a mum herself.

I'll very likely never see her again. I'm perfectly happy with that arrangement.

We don't care for each other. It happens.

I don't like how she's treated my children so will never encourage her to have anything to do with them and she very plainly wants nothing to do with them anyway!

They don't suffer for it and neither does she.

My dh had to just accept that. Yours should too.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 11/03/2016 15:54

It's interesting that other people have had the same experience. It's true though your DP has to accept it - because there is no other option. The damage is him thinking that somehow he or you can do something to change this horrible situation. Only she can do that.

I don't think some DPs ever see it that way. My DP is stuck feeling like 'if he didn't have a partner he'd have a closer relationship with his children'. And when I've made him take that to the logical conclusion - either I'm horrible or he shouldn't ever have a partner, he can see that both of these are false and silly. However he still prefers to think that there is nothing that his children can do to change, even though the eldest is now mid twenties.

That is the insidious nature of a child alienating their partner for no good reason, it encourages blame of the step parent and it does hurt the relationship. It is hurting yours now OP and that really isn't fair.

Original poster

Eliza22 · 11/03/2016 15:57

I agree HormonalHeap. It colludes with the fantasy that I do not exist. She has mentioned DS in passing but nothing more. DS is my son from previous marriage.

I remember DH bringing me a bunch of Sainsburys flowers one afternoon and the downer she went on over such a simple act of affection. She wouldn't look at me, the flowers or him and sulked all weekend. It was all so draining.

OP posts:

HormonalHeap · 11/03/2016 17:45

It IS horrible Eliza. I get on fine with my sd but she overheard me telling my mum that dh was having an eternity ring made for me. All hell broke loose.. behind closed doors, of course.

Wdigin2this · 14/03/2016 08:39

Hormonal and Eliza, I see what you both mean about fuelling the fantasy that Eliza doesn't exist, and I fully understand if neither of you would want it to be like that! But I think if I were in your position Eliza, I would be living my life as if the DSD didn't really exist...well beyond the point of the one sentence I'd utter when he got back, which would be 'is XXX OK?' Other than that I think I'd just live my life with DH as if she wasn't in it!

Original poster

Eliza22 · 14/03/2016 10:19

Hormonal but, WHY is THAT?

Wdigin2this I try, I really do. But we always come back to the same thing.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 14/03/2016 16:48

That's so bloody wearing for you Eliza, but there is no more you personally, can do! What exactly does your DH mean by, 'What can we do to encourage you back?' Because that sounds to me like, 'How can we change ourselves/lives, in order to make us more acceptable to you?' But it appears the only thing he can do to please her....would be to totally drop you!!! Is that the length to which he's prepared to go?!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 14/03/2016 18:33

That seems to be the logical conclusion that your DP isn't sensing OP - that your DP just lives a single life!

Wdigin2this · 14/03/2016 19:04

Eliza, have you ever put that to him, have you actually asked him what he would say/do, if she told him.....she'd want to reinstate a full father/daughter relationship with him, only if he gave you up?!

Original poster

Eliza22 · 14/03/2016 19:47

I asked him years ago. He told me and wrote to all three "kids" that he did not need their permission to marry me, nor need their approval of his relationship. So yes, he has expressed that. However, soooo much time has now gone by. I feel sd is playing the long game because she can. She HAS the relationship with dad (dinner/gifts for special occasions/lifts to from Uni) she envisaged and it's all without me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to do those things with her either!

OP posts:

Original poster

Eliza22 · 14/03/2016 19:48

Hormonal why was your sd so upset about a ring?

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 14/03/2016 21:00

So, do you think, if it stays like that and he doesn't insist on trying to get her to visit your home with you in it....will you be able to live with that OK?

And I think maybe Hormonal's DSD kicked off about the ring because, she thought the money it cost, should have been spent on her!!

Original poster

Eliza22 · 14/03/2016 21:17

To be honest, I've no idea. I sometimes think it'd just be easier to "give in" and slap on a smile and make like the past five years haven't happened. But as I say, I don't trust her and she's the kind of trouble that, if she were just someone I vaguely knew, I'd steer well away from.

I think unless she approaches us, as a couple, and wants to "come back" then it's over for her and me. I can't see any other option. But the future....it'll be bleak forecasting ahead and I do feel like she has triumphed. As I said, she has got exactly what she set out to get. I no longer exist.

OP posts:

HormonalHeap · 14/03/2016 22:28

Got in one Wdigin, I guess she was just jealous that he was spending thought and money on me. Whenever he has given me something, she always points out that he her mother has a bigger/better one. I almost feel sorry for her.

Eliza you're wrong, she very much knows you exist, and she won't be feeling triumphed as your dh has made a lifelong commitment to you. I don't feel my dss (who my dh sees outside the home) has triumphed- I actually feel i have, as I don't have to see him!

my dh's children have told him they were very put out that dh didn't ask their permission to marry me. His answer, like your dh, was that he didn't need permission.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 14/03/2016 22:44

Hi op, tbh it seems she has more leverage now than before due to her playing the Long game. Your original agreement of her not coming has gone out of the window.

It's a horrible situation but in this circumstance I'd say no to he coming to the house. Your house is your home, a place for you to relax, to not have to spend periods of time away from it because an adult is visiting or be ignored in it by some one that's doesn't even live there.

I wonder if she has a few narcissistic traits as narcs are very good at playing the long game and holding a grudge.

Now they are all adults it's a bit of a game changer - you tried your best. I'd even be open to a genuine reconciliation but to still treat you like this - I'd say no to the home visits.

Good luck

Chocolatteaddict1 · 14/03/2016 22:45

She really sounds like my mil. Just stay NC!

Wdigin2this · 14/03/2016 23:51

I agree with Hormona! Your SD is very much aware of you Eliza, because her DF has not totally caved in and done what she has been playing the long game for all this time....he is still with you, and no doubt she can see that's how it's going to stay! I doubt she feels she's won anything really, but if I were you I'd feel, just like Hormonal, not having to see her is a win-win situation!!

Hormonal...I thought so!

VimFuego101 · 15/03/2016 00:03

I wouldn't want DH to push for this either. It sounds like he's achieved some sort of calm (albeit a shaky one) and if he pushes for her to visit it will probably tip her over the edge again.

Original poster

Eliza22 · 15/03/2016 07:45

Thanks for all the replies. It's interesting that you feel much as I do. That their having their meet ups is the way to go but beyond that, unless sd initiates it and she is a kinder person, then no. I thought I'd get the "be the bigger person" rationale. I wish I could. I just (now) seem to have a quite irrational (and not very mature) mental block where she is concerned.

When DH and I first talked about getting married, I was thrilled by the idea of having 3 "steps". It felt like an immediate family (albeit intermittent as they were all teens and had their own lives, they weren't tinies) and for my DS, I was just very very happy, he being an only child. I NEVER could have dreamt this scenario and it has taken its toll, massively. The sadness I have is pretty u bearable at times. And yet, I'm very sure in my mind that enough was enough. Compromises were made over and over and it made no difference.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 15/03/2016 08:07

I wish you good luck Eliza, and a peaceful future with no more angst! Go on and enjoy your life, let DH see his DD as and when, and effectively block her out of your mind...if a miracle happens and she offers an olive branch, proceed carefully!

frodo1 · 12/04/2016 23:21

After my earlier post I was interested what my dh said to DSS about us during their contact. Now since we haven't seen him our house has been a happier one no jealous DSS trying to cause trouble. But dh said I keep saying to him pls come down we all feel like the family is missing a piece! I'm so angry that he has made DSS think he has power like were not complete without him when in fact we have both agreed the last few years have been our happiest! Feel like sending a text or posting a msg to show this is a lie but don't want to cause my dh any trouble. Now a 17 year old is happily thinking he's ruined our family life when it's so far from the truth!

Wdigin2this · 12/04/2016 23:34

I doubt he's thinking that, because even though your DH has told him he's the 'missing piece', it probably doesn't look like it from where he's standing! After all, your DH is with you, and obviously content....from the DS's viewpoint it might look like his dad's moved on!

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