Jealousy!

[Wdigin2this]

I've been reading a lot of threads lately where jealousy has been discussed, and I made a remark which didn't go down too well....so I would like to expand!

My DH and I got together when all our DC were grown, a conscious decision on my part to never go near men with young DC. However I have noticed that a lot of SM's, here and in RL, mention the fact that they are always in competition with their SC....mostly girls! I don't believe (most) women are talking here, about trying to grab all of their DP's attention away from his DC, I think it's more a result of long experience of trying to do the right thing, trying to allow the DSC quality time with their DF, battling against a DisneyDad attitude, and the complete exhaustion of trying to avoid any situation where the DSC may feel pushed out/second best, or even....heaven forbid, not daddy's number one/excluding all others priority! If you treat a child like they are the pivotal point of the household, whose needs come before everyone else's...its your fault that they expect it!

Anyway, my point was, I probably used the wrong phrase in a previous post...'always in competition with my DSD' I think mostly in this scenario it's the DSD who is 'always in competition with the DSM'....and this, even when handled sensitively and with care, can become an insidious and wearing norm in a household, which by the time the child grows out of it, has wreaked havoc on the wellbeing of everyone else! There you go, end of rant and my input on the subject!

I mean we sit out in he garden sometimes when they're in bed in the summer.....
Last summer we got yelled "haven't you heard what happened to madeline"

Howtodowills my sd wasn't (as far as I know) jealous of me, but jealous and outraged at my kids being treated equally to her.

The best advice I can give you is to show her yourself that YOU want her, so if you and her dad are sitting in the garden, shout out to her "We're really missing you here, will you come out?". I think If she feels that not just her dad, but YOU want her, she won't be so jealous and clingy. I know it's an effort and doesn't come naturally when it's not your child but it would make things so much easier in the future.

Thanks Bananas, tbh I usually expect when I post anything contentious, that I'm going to get blasted....but hey, we're all entitled to our opinions and views!

Gooseberry MN is full of threads about silly things your Dc have done or said, how unreasonable toddlers are, how selfish teens are etc
Why is it so offensive to do the same with step children.
Do you patrol the step parenting board looking to be offended??
You need to lighten up - humour is good - even in step families!!!

Views are one thing wdigin, being mean and jumping on someone because of the slightest word without even bothering to read the whole post is quite another! You never said anything that anyone could possibly take offense too.

Heavens - yes I saw quite a mean post on parenting about how a mums teenagers were driving her mad and that one had turned into a 'bitch' - and it had lots of responses all giving support to the mum, not one negative. I don't think it's good to put down a child, but can you imagine if a SM did the same post!

That's the thing... You can say things about your bio kids and get support from friends but the minute you say anything about step kids the world sharply intakes breath before wondering whether to call social services. Fortunately my RL friends have seen SD in action so they can see what I'm up against...

Saw a friend post on Fb the other week a pic of her kids with a caption "anyone want 2 kids, £20 ONO"... Loads of likes and funny comments.... Imagine if I did the same about a SD?!!!!

Goodness, you'd probably be locked up for it!

Swing, maybe your DSM was like that then, because she was younger, and less secure in her place in your DF's life! Now she's perhaps older and wiser and less needy!

Reading this I feel quite lucky. I have 2 DSC a girl who's now 8 and a boy who's just about to turn 13 (and has lost the ability to speak in anything but grunts )

Their dad and I had talked about our views on parenting a lot before I even met the children and given that we both have similar views he was always very keen for us to show a united front to them with both of us providing discipline equally. The children in general are extremely well behaved for us and we've even had comments from their grandparents about how much they listen too me and how well mannered they are for their DF and I. Their mother on the other hand is Disney mum and they behave like brats when she's looking after them. They're rude, talk back, childish and sometimes aggressive. The youngest one hangs off of her at every possible occasion and she has no control over them. It's hard to believe they are the same children. I have on occasion arrived to collect them to see them both completely ignoring her while she tries to get them ready, refusing to get off of their games, talking back etc. and she's been at the end of her feather literally telling me she can't cope with them. I've uttered two words to the pair of them and they've immediately jumped up, done as told and been in the car in 5 minutes flat.
I think it just goes to show that the Disney approach doesn't work. We have fun with the kids, listen to them and sometimes we spoil them rotten but we also don't tolerate any negative behaviour and impose consequences immediately and don't go back on them. It seems to work.

I would say that the girl initially did try to do a little daddy hogging and it could feel very awkward but because her father and I have always been very clearly a team it didn't last long. We still get the occasional, "I want to sit next to dad so everyone else has to sit where I tell them" but we just ignore the behaviour and she quickly loses interest as it makes no difference to how we act. The boy was far more relaxed and accepting and didn't seem to feel the need to confirm his place.

We can't have done too badly with them despite being the disciplinarians where their mum and her DP are the Disney couple, as the boy has requested to live with us full time and the girl on discovering I'm pregnant is absolutely delighted and desperate to have a half sibling, I was terrified to tell them incase they took it badly or felt they were being replaced but nope. They're both feel so stable and secure in their extended family that they've accepted it without a single hiccup and are actually excited (well I assume the grunt DSS did was excitement!).

You are lucky Runner, well done!

Thanks, I'm well aware of how lucky I am and some of the other stories I've heard are just terrifying.
I don't know how anyone copes with the situation if their partner tiptoes around the children and my hat goes off to anyone in that situation who has stuck it out, I'm not sure I could!

Which, as I've said so many times, is why I avoided men with young DC, like the plague!

Runner that is great to hear it is working for you and why you think that is. You and your DP sound like a team. It seems you are strong and united, that your DP isn't allowing guilt to rule his parenting and now letting any jealousy rule your relationship. It's lovely to hear how much the kids benefit from that stability.

I agree with Bananas, it's wonderful that you and your DH are so definitely on the same wavelength regarding parenting, and great that it's working well for you!

Congratulations on your pregnancy, hopefully things between your DSC and your new baby will go well....but I would say (and I'm truly not raining on your parade) that when you have a child of your own, it does add another aspect to the family dynamic which needs to be carefully managed....but you sound like you're up for the challenge!!

Wding not at all. I'm aware the baby will change the family dynamic and make it harder for me to a certain extent.
I love my DSC but I'm not under any illusions that I will feel the same way about them as I will about my own biological child. I'm genetically programmed to favour my own child and that does mean that I already feel very protective towards the baby and its place in the family and it's something that I will need to be aware of and work at moderating so DSC don't lose out as a result.
The way I look at it is that I adore my DP and he adores his DCs therefore it is my job to to do everything in my power to ensure that they're well cared for, encouraged and importantly feel wanted (and that anyone who messes with them only does so once )

Luckily DSS who will live with us is very even tempered and independent and because he is older our relationship is more adult. I treat him in most instances like a young adult and because our relationship is more friendship than parent child I don't think there will be too many conflicting feeling when dealing him and the baby.

I do see my relationship with DSD being more strained as she is much younger in herself and also far more demanding when it comes to her need to be the centre of attention. Luckily I also know that she has several baby/toddler cousins and she is very loving and affectionate towards them and has already shown a very strong desire to lavish attention on the baby (give the baby her old things, choose gifts for it, share her hobbies and interests with it) despite her desire to have attention she is also very quick to share and is very protective of younger family members. If anything I'm a little worried that she'll irritate me in the early days by being such a affectionate big sister while I'm trying to bond and learn how to be a mother but if that's the worse teething issue we have I think I will consider myself to have got off lightly

Yes, you will have...good luck!

runner that is sooo nice to hear but i am !!!
it gives me hope for how i might be able to manage SD in the future. We have had similar comments from grandparents etc that the kids have been better behaved for us. Has your SK mum been positive about you? I think a lot of our issues stem from the fact that their mum was really negative about me in the past (maybe still is now - who knows?) and treated SD like a best mate.

Congrats on the pregnancy.

Thanks How I think sometimes bio mums let their personal feelings get in the way of what's best for the kids. You have my sympathy if you've had to deal with this, I think all you can do is keep doing your best, kids aren't stupid and usually actions will speak louder than words (eventually)

Again I've been lucky in that front. Their mum wants everything to be fluffy and nice between us all and wants to be able to hand the kids to us as much as possible so no badmouthing from her direction.

She's even offered to look after the baby for us I'm all for being civil but over my dead body

Runner just to add another view, I have a too distant relationship with my DSCs, but it's just the way it has turned out. However when I had a baby with DP it really did bring everyone closer for a while, so sometimes it can be very positive! It just seemed to bind everyone together. For a while anyway!

We have a baby on the way too.... Dreading elder SD reaction. The 2 little ones will be excited I know but SD will ensure the joy is sucked out of any happy occasion as it won't be 100% about her.

Banana that's reassuring

Congrats How when are you going to tell them? She might surprise you. DP and I were expecting DSS to be really upset and have a massive tantrum. He's actually been lovely, you never know.

How, hope it goes better than you think!

It's early days - I'm only 9 week and we've had 2 miscarriages fairly recently. I think we will wait as long as we can before telling them. Also with things so awful with SD I wondered if it was worth trying to make things a bit better first...

Well I hope it all goes well and you have a nice sticky baby in there.

If you want some support please pop by TTC#1 Grads. We don't bite, promise