Jealousy!

[Wdigin2this]

I've been reading a lot of threads lately where jealousy has been discussed, and I made a remark which didn't go down too well....so I would like to expand!

My DH and I got together when all our DC were grown, a conscious decision on my part to never go near men with young DC. However I have noticed that a lot of SM's, here and in RL, mention the fact that they are always in competition with their SC....mostly girls! I don't believe (most) women are talking here, about trying to grab all of their DP's attention away from his DC, I think it's more a result of long experience of trying to do the right thing, trying to allow the DSC quality time with their DF, battling against a DisneyDad attitude, and the complete exhaustion of trying to avoid any situation where the DSC may feel pushed out/second best, or even....heaven forbid, not daddy's number one/excluding all others priority! If you treat a child like they are the pivotal point of the household, whose needs come before everyone else's...its your fault that they expect it!

Anyway, my point was, I probably used the wrong phrase in a previous post...'always in competition with my DSD' I think mostly in this scenario it's the DSD who is 'always in competition with the DSM'....and this, even when handled sensitively and with care, can become an insidious and wearing norm in a household, which by the time the child grows out of it, has wreaked havoc on the wellbeing of everyone else! There you go, end of rant and my input on the subject!

In another post, I said, 'If my (grown ) DSD was young when I met her DF, I would have constantly be competing with her for his attention,' I think I was criticised because some people took it too literally, but I do know that it would have been very difficult, it would have affected my relationship with DH, because he is, and always will be a DisneyDD.....but he is a wonderful man none the less! Which is why I'm so glad I avoided men with young children!

I wonder, if you had met your DSCs when they were young and your DP had been firm, but fair and loving, like Heaven - perhaps your DSCs behaviour could have nipped in the bud? Or perhaps that is unlikely given your DPs nature!

It's hard isn't it. I've definitely had more of an influence on my youngest DSCs, they've accepted me a million times more than the elder ones. The youngest was very put out at first, but when she knew I was there to stay she is the one child who I think sees me as part of her life.

Maybe Bananas, but I doubt it! Beside which, part of the reason I avoided men with young DC, was because I absolutely didn't want to live in a blended family house....I just didn't want to be in a situation where my DC (who were brought up lovingly, fairly but quite strictly) would have any reason to feel they were not treated equally. Which given my DH's DisneyDad tendencies is just as well! It would have been a case of me having to be the disciplinarian, and DH saying yes, yes, yes....to them all about everything! But as we know, you cannot discipline/control/deal with your DSC in the same way you do your own, so all in all, I'm glad I stuck to my resolve!

Quite wdigin, wise enough decision! I often wish I'd made the same choice, but then I wouldn't have had DS2 and DPs disneying and his Ex's lack of boundaries would have been totally entrenched by then!

It's a really good point about our own kids, you have been protective of your own family culture, and quite wisely. The intensity and stress of blended families can impact most perhaps on structured families going into a permissive atmosphere. And the stress you would have felt from your DPs entitled daughter would have sapped your energy for your own kids.

Wdigin you sound sensible! My DP was very Disney when we met and I was very strict. Between us we have both compromised and met in the middle but we still have our moments when he slips back into Disney mode - usually with his DD who can wrap him round her little finger before he's had time to think straight!!

Yes Bananas, it is about protecting your own DC, my DD is appalled by her DSS's entitled attitude, as is my other DC.... and DSD's own DB! In fairness it is the one big fault I can level at DH, so we get through it most of the time, with small eruptions every so often!

Heaven, thank you, I've had to be sensible one unfortunately! And yes, men are so easily manoeuvred into anything their DD's want to do/have....wonder why?!

Perfect example today, DH's small DGC visiting, both of them running riot around the house, one thing I asked that they didn't do! DGC says, I want to do THAT, did he let her....yes of course he did!!!!!!

DSD wanted a new mobile phone. The one she wanted was too expensive to buy outright so we got her one on a 2 year contract and she agreed to pay half of it from her allowance. Two months into the contract she is bored with the phone and wants a new one. We explained the contract situation again and even took her into Carphone Warehouse and got them to explain it to her. After a bit of pouting and earbending she gave up. Now DP is due to upgrade his phone and has told me he wants to give his old one (Iphone 6) to DSD to make it up to her!
The Disney never goes completely - it just lies dormant!!!

I find its one of the MOST frustring things in life! DH treats all of our DGC (his and mine) like it's their birthday every day! It's so hard when you are trying to make sure they're properly fed, not eating too much rubbish etc, when one look from their adoring eyes and he crumbles...so who has to insist that they eat their veggies before sweeties, me the bad guy!!! It's one of the few things we argue over, but I am making him realise that's it's unfair.....so am slowly winning this fight!

It's SOOOO frustrating when a manipulative six year old wants to sit next to the father she never sees who plays father to someone else's kids all the time. It's just DEVASTATING when these manipulative girls (always girls - who knows why!) want love and affection from the person who is supposed to put them first. I wish I didn't have to compete with a child for affection, they are so wise and have such insight into adult relationships that I'm just so baffled when they try to meet their own needs against an adult woman. Tricky you guys!

Wow vicious countess! You've obviously read all these posts very carefully! Give us more advice!

Countess, didn't quite understand your post. Is the 'father she never sees, and plays father to someone else's kids' your DP, and is 'she' yours or his child?

Oh here we go!! This board can only ever have half a dozen sensible posts at a time before someone comes along with righteous indignation full of imaginary offence on behalf of a child they don't even know.

I found my tribe! Except you countess
We aren't talking about kids wanting to sit next to their dad... more the ridiculous behaviour that accompanies it all the time... eg. my SD will be happily playing in the lounge and as soon as she sees me enter the lounge she will fling herself across the room and sit next to DP draped across him... yes it's annoying. I wouldn't care if i didn't sit next to DP at all the whole time they were there but what i do object to is the sly evils and stares i get and the following i get around the house. eg. if me and kids are in one room and DP in the other and i go to chat to him, within a matter of seconds she'll be there. If she's been playing quietly and i start up a conversation with DP she will suddenly need to talk to him. It's annoying. And tolerating it (which is what i did for quite a while) has only fuelled it.

When you talk about jealousy and child being centre and the family tyrant i can totally relate!! coffee your SD sounds like one of mine (although she is only 8 at the moment so dreading the teen years.)

I think a bit of humour is needed here to help us all have a laugh.

most ridiculous things your Stepkids have ever done?

Well, I still don't fully understand what Countess was actually saying!

Howto, I can imagine that would, over a period of time, become so wearing and stressful! We all know why young girls in a split family behave the way they do, and for a while it's understandable. But surely their DF should be addressing the behaviour and finding ways to reassure and bolster their daughters, so that they understand, the SM is no threat to them and that indeed, can be a very acceptable addition to the responsible adults in their lives?!

Apart from anything else, by not addressing the situation, and allowing them to continue in the same vein....isn't that just teaching them that bad/unacceptable behaviour will get them exactly what they want, every time?!

I think a bit of humour is needed here to help us all have a laugh.

most ridiculous things your Stepkids have ever done?

Oh please don't blast me.... I't so draining constantly being serious and having the weight of the world on your shoulders.. I often joke in RL about the bonkers things our bio kids have done with my friends eg. OMG DS was an absolute nightmare when he did XYZ, followed by a friend making me not feel alone by telling me her DD does the same... so was just trying to lighten the tone. Didn't mean to cause offence and apologies if i've called it wrong.

How about "Silly step-family stories" then?

I just think it's very tiring to have people jump on posts, jump on SMs if they voice anything. Wdigin hasn't ever voiced a personal account of her situation that didn't seem balanced and fair. Yet has been picked up and attacked twice now.

I'm not jumping on myself Banana.

It's just that I find the idea of deliberately dredging up tales of odd behaviour, for the express purpose of mocking SDC for light relief a bit of an odd choice.

How strange Goosberry; plenty of times I've 'dredged up' the odd behaviour on the teenage board of my own children, even occasionally a friend's child. Bit of light relief and a harmless rant! Why different with One's step children?

That is indeed strange Heap because I don't recall ever seeing a "most ridiculous things your DC have over done? " suggestion on a "Jealousy between parents and children is inevitable" thread on MN.

I can assure you I have Goosberry. Posters often vere from the op just like I'm about to... Dsd 17 has grown up cocooned in a bubble where as a child she was never allowed to lose in a game, spoilt rotten and the apple of daddy's eye.

Unfortunately she now has serious mental health issues. It was impossible for dh to sustain this pretence once we got married, with other children in the equation, that no one else was important. She's finding it impossible to deal with her jealousy and is having psychotherapy.

hormonal - I can see my SD going down that road too.... She is such a controlling child and I am already anticipating various issues with her. Stepfamilies are very hard for everyone... If only I'd got it right first time round!

hormonal - knowing what you know now have you any advice for dealing with an extremely jealous 8 y/o? She doesn't even think it's ok that her dad and I sit in the garden in the summer as "you should be inside looking after me"