Mother and ex-wife a nightmare

[FemaleEunuch]

I'm recently married and now the step mum of 2 lovely children under 10, one boy and one girl.
The ex wife has been a total nightmare from day 1. She wouldn't let my partner speak to his children on the phone consistently when I first met him, then he stopped trying and she went mad because he just stopped answering her calls and abusive texts. She's only ever asked him once about me, and that was while he was ignoring her because he'd had enough of her behaviour. She's got people to message me online, she's rung my partner over 18 times in a row when wanting to 'speak to the children' on his weeks. It's very sad and she stresses the children out by making sure they remember to come home the next week in the clothes they came to so she has them. She only recently gave him passport details and spare birth certificates after about 18 months. She's very controlling and miserable and bitter. I've ignored it for months because I don't believe in games where children are involved. She's a complete bully and constantly makes other single mums feel sorry for her and i just don't know what to do anymore.
My partner got so stressed at her calling the other month he had to call the police and report her. We both just sat there thinking how did it even come to this?
She has a bit of a shopping addiction and seeing as she's on her own now and there's no financial responsibility between them that's totally fine but she takes it out on him when he sends them to school in 'last years' dresses or trousers even though they fit perfectly, are just plain bits of uniform you get from george asda and are totally fine quality! It's utter madness. She even had the cheek to give the teachers a bag with a hair brush in it and spare clothes and the youngest one now says he's worried about looking like a tramp. (That's what she said in one of her messages to him) It's so upsetting. They are absolutely fine and lovely and gorgeous.
She also writes in the children's school contact books with the most ridiculous comments, trying to make their father (my partner) look irresponsible, and lying about ridiculous things such as not being able to access 'school photos, because their father won't let me see them' - Total lies! The teachers have now started to ignore them because they're so ridiculous.
I'm starting to worry about my partners health and well-being. Very aware of being a step-mum, never ever tried to take place of mum, never will but I'm worried as her behaviour gets more and more horrible and erratic. Especially for the kids. If you saw this lady on the street you wouldn't think twice, but the sad fact is is that something is going on and she just can't stop despising her ex-husband. I'm willing to admit that this behaviour could be something to do with his new relationship but she hasn't made a single effort to try to discuss with him, i've been totally ready to show her i'm not crazy and will love her kids and never try to replace her but I don't think she actually cares. She loves her children instinctively but everything is about what is convenient for her. She never spends time with them in half term and just sends them to 24/7 wrap around care so I don't think (sadly) her behaviour is to do with the kids, I think it's to do with him/me/us. Sorry bit of a rant but think it's needed! Any advice would be greatly appreciated, would just like to get on with life!

Just set your boundaries, and set them together with your husband. Make it clear how you wish yourselves and the kids to be communicated with, during the time that you have them, make it clear what you will and won't tolerate and try not to let her get to you.....

Bumping this up..

I'm reading on the run but had ans still have similar issues with my stepchildrens mum. Google parental alienation. It doesn't resolve anything but we found that once we discovered that there's a name for this and resources online we felt a bit reassured that at least we knew what we were dealing with. I'll try and come back with a bit more support over the weekend!

Sounds like she's really making life hard.. I haven't had this experience but I'm sure others had and can give you some advice.

the ringing 18 times thing....did your DH ignore her meaning she was trying to get through? Because if that's the case, he can hardly complain about her not letting him speak on the phone to the children. Playing tit for tat isn't the way to go.

Why could he not get his own copies of birth certificates if he needed them? Why would he need passport details, unless planning a holiday?

It is not unreasonable that clothes are returned ASAP. I don't buy my children clothes for them to sit on the floor at dad's house. I quite like to see them actually in them. Send them back, without fail, no stress for the children.

Re: photos and other school stuff. Was the paperwork for them removed from their bags? Was there an expectation that she made her selection through your DH? That can be solved by photocopying the form and letting her get on with it.

If unknown people are messaging you, ignore them. If they persist, remind them you are not friends and say any further contact will result in a report to police for harassment. And then follow through.

Last year's clothing as a general rule is too small for children, surely? Unless it was purposely bought big to last two years?

I personally have no desire to meet any of my exs partners and will never do so. There is no unfinished business, nothing to do with not making an effort, it is just not something I feel the need to do. I would be very dubious about any woman who felt the need to push herself on me, and I have no desire to be told that there is no attempt to replace me or my children will be loved. It's utter bollox in my opinion and is just trying too hard. My ex is capable of making decisions about who should be around the children and if the Children ever have an issue, I will take it up with the ex, not his partner.

I laugh out loud at the idea that any of this is parental alienation. It sounds more like an inability to hold firm boundaries and recognise that there are two sides to every story. Just because you think things should be done one way, doesn't mean a different way is wrong.