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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Visting during recovery

78 replies

Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 15:34

I have 2 dsc, we would usually have them every other weekend, they live a 6 hour round trip away, so can't just have them for the evening etc.

My DP has just had major surgery, he is home now recovering but is unable to walk, we have a ds together. I am finding it quite difficult at the moment coping with everything, as usually my dp would get ds ready and take him to nursery, obviously at the moment I am doing this, plus working full time, plus doing everything for DP, and doing all the household stuff, washing, cooking etc. and looking after DS, who is not a great sleeper. So at the moment I am averaging 4 hours sleep a night.

Before my DP went in for surgery he spoke to dsc and his ex to say that he wouldn't be able to have them for a couple of weeks as would be in hospital.

However the ex and my dsil have organised for the dsc to come and stay next weekend which my dp is fine about but I'm not. I usually don't get involved in contact, have never said no, as they come for longer etc. over holidays, I only ask dp tells me what he's arranged.

However I have said that having another two people to look after and clear up after is too much, I am struggling with two, doubling the numbers is going to horrendous. They do nothing when they are here, dp doesn't pull them up on this and will just do it for them, DSS tends to quite rude to me also, which is something we're working on but is frankly something at the moment with everything else I can do without.

I have said that if possible would they mind coming for the day, I am happy to pick them up in the morning, early and drop them home in the evening, ds can sleep in the car, instead of staying as I understand that they want to see there dad.

This has been rejected and i am now being made out to be a massive bitch stopping contact.

Can anyone offer any advice. Am i being unreasonable or is my compromise fair?

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 21:46

Thank you

OP posts:
Luc28 · 22/02/2016 23:13

I believe perfectly within your rights to say No! It's hard enough running a home, family, job, life etc with added strain of poorly DH, the last thing you need is 2 more children to add to the pressure. All good and well comments saying 'if they live with you ... So on so on' but they don't they have a mother who's quite capable (presumably) of looking after them. One weekend isn't gonna affect them plus what if there's complications and DH (heaven forbid) had to go back to hospital or ended up bed bound! I've been in this situation and it's awful but stand your ground!
Hope all ok and DH speedy recovery

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/02/2016 23:34

I've had the 'if they lived with you' comments too, after I'd said no to a weekend after an operation. Just say no! Don't let anyone, even your DP make you feel bad.

Wdigin2this · 22/02/2016 23:42

I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable! You are already under considerable strain, and your DH just has to man up and explain to his DC, (and their mother) that due to him not being able to walk, being groggy with drugs etc, he just can't take them for the weekend...then he can tell his sister to butt out and mind her own business!

Of course none of that will happen, because like most men with NR children, he'll be afraid to offend in any way that might make him the bad guy, and endanger future visits!

So, if that's what happens, tell him you physically cannot do it, and if he won't tell their mother you will! For goodness sake, it's not for ever, doesn't his ex or his sister have and sense or compassion???

FeelingFine89 · 23/02/2016 08:54

Many women work full time and deal with a hell of a lot more than a toddler and sick DP.

And? That doesn't mean the OP should be happy with what her sil and her DP's ex have arranged, just because other people in the world have it worse than her.

Wdigin2this · 23/02/2016 09:55

I agree with OP, Nona's comment was unreasonable, unfair and uninformed! I hardly think it sounds as if Busy leads a charmed and spoiled life! Why do people have to be so nasty, and why can't the SIL actually offer to help out if a) she's so close to her brother, and b) if she considers its her business to interfere?!

MeridianB · 23/02/2016 10:06

Bumble You are NOT being unreasonable.

In fact, you could not have been more reasonable than offering to do a six hour drive to support contact, especially in these circumstances. You offered, it was declined, so now feel free to postpone contact until your DP is better.

Ignore the SIL. And please ignore the ignorant baity nonsense on here from people who think this of all times is an opportunity to 'get to know your DSCs better' or fast-track them through a behavioural rehabilitation programme after decade of crap parenting by your DP and their mum.

Just focus on maintaining enough energy and sanity for three people. Hope DP mends soon.

Flowers Brew Cake

Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 23/02/2016 13:03

Thanks everyone who gave helpful advice. Dp is pretty out of it, so I spoke to the ex (first time in regards to contact) she was actually really nice and reasonable, said dsil hadn't said how bad he was still and she agreed it would be nicer for the kids not to see their dad like that. I offered to collect for the day but she said not to worry and to just text her and keep her informed of dps progress and we can arrange a contact for another time when he's more with it and able.

I text dsil as well to say all sorted with ex and to please not arrange contact between the two of them without input from me or dp. She replied that she was being "helpful" as I clearly had a lot on my plate. Didn't respond as I know she's just being a bitch. Angry

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas1 · 23/02/2016 13:08

Agree with Wdigin and Meridian and others. You are NOT being unreasonable and don't let anyone tell you that you are!

It makes me so mad! I had this too SO many times. Yet, you know I looked after DSCs several times when their Mum 'needed time' for her boyfriend, or just to 'have a break in the house'. And yet when I did not want to look after DSCs after an operation my DP and Ex still refer to it 'when Ex did ME a favour'??? Jesus, these kids are NOT your children, as you will be reminded if you EVER tried to overstep the parent line. You are not an unpaid childminder. If you were not there - it would not happen. If your DSCs Mum had an operation I'm sure your DP would step in if he was able. Don't be dumped on like this.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 23/02/2016 13:09

Thank goodness your DSCs Ex sounds reasonable in all of this. Your DSIL sounds awful.

Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 23/02/2016 17:05

My dsil is unhinged, totally obsessed with dsc and totally ignores ds. I've spoken about her before here under old username and was told to go nc, which I did mostly, life is much easier. Except for ridiculous things like this

OP posts:
3phase · 23/02/2016 17:07

Well done OP. So pleased for you!

Thegreenhen1 · 23/02/2016 18:05

Glad it worked out ok and common sense prevailed.

You sound like a reasonable, responsible person. The kids are obviously better off with their mum than their sick dad and run tagged step mum.

Your dp can always make up the time later.

Petal02 · 23/02/2016 19:21

Glad it's worked out ok! OP - I think I remember your previous posts about your "interesting" sister-in-law .......

tribpot · 23/02/2016 19:29

Oh phew. Glad the ex was reasonable, it sounds like the next time the SIL decides to meddle you can spoil her fun by just dealing with the ex direct.

Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 23/02/2016 19:42

Yes petal interesting is one way to describe her

OP posts:
FeelingFine89 · 23/02/2016 20:15

Ah OP I remember you now.
Once again your sil sounds as awful as ever. She was far from being helpful- she knew exactly what she was doing. You've said in the past that she is a bit obsessed with the dscs, so why doesn't she actually be helpful and look after them herself if she's that bothered.
Glad your dscs' mum was nice and understanding about it :)

iyamehooru · 23/02/2016 20:27

Please reply to SIL and say thanks for her misguided help, if she wants to help there's a pile of ironing to do WinkWink

Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 23/02/2016 20:41

feeling she says that contact is with dp therefore she won't have them. She's totally unhinged.

OP posts:
FeelingFine89 · 23/02/2016 20:55

...But he's bed ridden. He's out of it.
Hardly quality contact time is it.
She was using the kids as a weapon to get at you and she knows it. Silly woman.

FeelingFine89 · 23/02/2016 20:58

Anyway, the kids are with who they should be at this time and that's their mum. :)

lookluv · 23/02/2016 22:46

No I do not know what surgery he has had but I do work in healthcare.

If he was that bed bound he would not have been let home. If he can get up to poo, then he can get up to pee.

sorry - but an adult can do their own injections. You can teach a 7 yr old to inject themselves.

Wdigin2this · 23/02/2016 23:16

Well I'm glad it got sorted out, seems like your DH's EW has more common sense than his sister! Next time she interferes, just say, 'oh thanks for your concern, but (ex's name) and I have it all sorted between us'!
Not really sure of the relevance of lookluv's post?

Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 24/02/2016 09:12

lookluv you might work in healthcare but you don't know by dps medical history, or operation or recovery. But feel free to pop round and tell him to get up and stop being ridiculous

Not sure why you're being so unpleasant, fine a seven year old might be able to inject themselves but I am following what I was told to do by the hospital who actually know what they're talking about.

im not going to respond to you anymore.

Thanks for everyone else's help

OP posts:
BoxofSnails · 26/02/2016 12:16

Buzzy well done you, for handling it assertively and getting a good outcome for everyone, yourself included - you matter very much too. I do think it sounds like DP has come home way too early. I had major abdominal surgery 10 days ago, with an unexpected outcome, and the acute pain sister said it was pretty much one of the hardest operations people get over. Normal post op pain falls at 3 days and by 7 days if there is pain it is from something else, not the wound. Mine has been quite distressing, I've needed home adaptations and supplies, and I don't need morphine and I have to manage the stairs. I wouldn't have been let out otherwise. What you are describing is how someone terminally ill is discharged. If this is so, I'm sorry. If not can you ask his GP to come out just to be sure that all is going as expected. This is just what home visits are for.