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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Visting during recovery

78 replies

Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 15:34

I have 2 dsc, we would usually have them every other weekend, they live a 6 hour round trip away, so can't just have them for the evening etc.

My DP has just had major surgery, he is home now recovering but is unable to walk, we have a ds together. I am finding it quite difficult at the moment coping with everything, as usually my dp would get ds ready and take him to nursery, obviously at the moment I am doing this, plus working full time, plus doing everything for DP, and doing all the household stuff, washing, cooking etc. and looking after DS, who is not a great sleeper. So at the moment I am averaging 4 hours sleep a night.

Before my DP went in for surgery he spoke to dsc and his ex to say that he wouldn't be able to have them for a couple of weeks as would be in hospital.

However the ex and my dsil have organised for the dsc to come and stay next weekend which my dp is fine about but I'm not. I usually don't get involved in contact, have never said no, as they come for longer etc. over holidays, I only ask dp tells me what he's arranged.

However I have said that having another two people to look after and clear up after is too much, I am struggling with two, doubling the numbers is going to horrendous. They do nothing when they are here, dp doesn't pull them up on this and will just do it for them, DSS tends to quite rude to me also, which is something we're working on but is frankly something at the moment with everything else I can do without.

I have said that if possible would they mind coming for the day, I am happy to pick them up in the morning, early and drop them home in the evening, ds can sleep in the car, instead of staying as I understand that they want to see there dad.

This has been rejected and i am now being made out to be a massive bitch stopping contact.

Can anyone offer any advice. Am i being unreasonable or is my compromise fair?

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 18:35

Thanks feeling you expressed it better than me. That's exactly how it is in regards to the resentment accusation

OP posts:
Chocolatteaddict1 · 22/02/2016 18:51

The OP resents the situation that has been sprung on to her by other people im assuming the op knew her dp had children when she met him?

I don't think 'resentment' gets banded about too much. A lot of it is true. After reading op posts I see that you do resent the fact that the children don't pick up after them selves, make a mess or do anything. You don't want to say anything because it will cause an argument. You have also said your dss is quite rude to you. I think that would cause resentment in most people. But if you say your not - then your not. This is crap parenting on your dp side.

But ultimately it's not the children's fault. They want to see and spend time with their dad

Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 18:58

Don't be ridiculous of course I knew he had kids, what has that got to do with anything. We've been together years and have on the whole got along well. This is an usual situation in which my dp is totally bed bound and out of it in morphine. I do not resent his kids at all, you obviously think I do but I don't

OP posts:
Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 19:04

Also not saying it's the dsc fault at all, all I'm asking for is not to have them for 3 days whilst dp, the person they're there to see is bed bound and out of it. I have offered to get them so they can see him for the day. It's not about not wanting them to have contact its about in an exceptional circumstance not to have the extra work on top of what I'm doing as it has been hard

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 22/02/2016 19:07

I think you show remarkable constraint busy as I would have lost my shit with the sister in law! Nosey cow what's it got to do her? I would be calling her and saying she needs to uninvite them until such times as your dp is fit....

FeelingFine89 · 22/02/2016 19:08

There was another thread earlier on today where it was there mum who was going to have surgery and she wanted her ex to have their child whilst she recovers. I agreed with her completely.
This is really exactly the same situation but it is the dad who is having surgery. The mum should be looking after the children whilst their dad recovers.

Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 19:17

Me and dsil are pretty much nc due to a lot of issues with regards to dsc and my dp and her overstepping her boundaries. The problem is she is very close to ex, so we can agree something with ex and she will be fine, then dsil gets involved and winds up the ex and she changes her mind and all hell breaks lose.

OP posts:
lookluv · 22/02/2016 19:44

Sorry - you have a DP who is not completely incapable, regardless of what surgery he has and a young DS and work full time.

sorry that is not struggling that - life of many single parents with a pain in the arse teen and ayounger child!!

I would use the opportunity to make them do the stuff their father needs, you may find that it has a positive kick back to their attitude.

3phase · 22/02/2016 20:00

This is really exactly the same situation but it is the dad who is having surgery. The mum should be looking after the children whilst their dad recovers

Exactly!

Jeez when my DSD's Mum or her other child has been ill, we've always had DSD. Likewise when I've been ill and DH has been working or when DH has been ill, I haven't thought twice about saying, "sorry, could you keep DSD please".

Completely baffled why Mum and DSil would even think it was in the childrens' interests to spend time with their Dad who's zonked out on opiates and to be cared for by their exhausted stepmother.....seriously? If the kids really wanted to see their Dad - their Mum could take them herself for a quick visit. They're both old enough to understand that contact can't happen this weekend and it has sod all to do with their SM.

Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 20:02

How would you know what he is capable of, you know nothing of his surgery or his recovery Hmm

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/02/2016 20:03

As t hey are 10 & 14 I think the ex is informed that they are welcome to come but you will not be there and will have to fend for themselves.

If your dh needs urgent help I suggest he has his dsis on emergency speed dial.

I really think you ought to take your youngest and go away for a break for the weekend and let them deal with the consequences of what has been allowed to happen. I have dc of that age and yes they would rather be waited on hand and foot etc. but it's amazing how capable they can be when their hands are forced.

Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 20:10

I really can't leave dp, it would be unfair on everyone. It's one thing go want dsc to pick up after themselves it's another to expect them to empty urine bottles and give injections etc. also my dp wouldn't want them doing that for him either.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/02/2016 20:39

How are the DC supposed to be getting to yours?

Honestly I don't know what you can do Confused have you any family or friends that could come and help out for a bit to give you a break - whether that weekend or some other time.

I'd be tempted to contact the ex a few days beforehand and explain that your DP is absolutely no better and you think the dc will be very bored at yours and possibly upset to see how unwell he is and they are just going to be stuck in the house looking after DS???? In fact would reverse psychology work - "I'm so pleased the DSC are coming to help out with DC and the housework, I'm exhausted and need their help" Wink

83mummypig · 22/02/2016 20:46

I think if your contact WAs more frequent, it wouldn't be such a big thing to change it around, but his kids see him only every other weekend. I think it's unfair to not let them come properly to see him. It's nice of you to offer to collect, but that's a lot of travel in one day.

If you're running ragged, you should have looked to have time off work yourself to coincide with the operation.

You need to have your husbands support in terms of getting his dc to help out. If he doesn't support you in that way, I'd be questioning why you were still with him!

Borninthe60s · 22/02/2016 20:47

Just put your foot down and say no. It's not going to be an enjoyable contact for the kids or DH. They are old enough to understand dad isn't up to a weekend visit. It won't hurt them not to see him this once. If they do end up coming tell DH you're going away for the weekend!

CalicoBlue · 22/02/2016 20:56

I think it is completely unreasonable for you to have the DSC there when your Dh is unwell and you also have another child to look after. He is not going to be able to help, I imagine the stress in the house is not going to help his recovery either.

I would put my foot down and say no! This was not the deal when things were being sorted out for his surgery.

I really do not understand when everyone changes plans it is the step mums fault.

I got slated a while ago on here, when DH was going to be abroad for a week, we were moving house that week, I had my two kids at home, and he asked if I could look after DSS as his ex was going to be away. I said no way was I looking after a child who did not listen to me, organise a house move and look after my two teens on my own. His ex had to change her plans.

redskirt3 · 22/02/2016 21:05

Hang on, if you are emptying urine bottles and giving injections, that's pretty full on "nursing care" in my book. ..... and if you are looking after a 2 year old and running a household too, that's too much for anyone. You just can not have any extra people to look after, regardless of who they are, until your DP can do more for himself. You need to say no. And if you're only getting 4 hours sleep, you should not be doing a long drive. That's not being selfish, that's common sense. Please say no. I think you are probably doing more than you can cope with already.

Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 21:09

I couldn't take time off off work or I would have as it would make things a lot easier, although I don't see why I should have to accommodate dsc.

I am going to say no. It will be to much and it is a change to the original agreement, also I don't think seeing their df in the state he is will be nice for them.

You're sayin only eow but as they live so far away it's all we can do at the moment, they come for holidays usually alto high didn't for this half term as dp in hospital.

OP posts:
Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 21:09

Thank you for the help and helping it be clearer in my head

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/02/2016 21:17

I think that is the best way forward. You can do the whole "We're happy to have them for extra in the summer hols/May half term if they'd like to come"

The mind does boggle at why people like your SIL have to interfere!

Nona79 · 22/02/2016 21:22

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GGandT · 22/02/2016 21:27

I think you should put your foot down and say ''no''.

You are not stopping contact, you are turning down looking after an extra two children for three days at a time when you have quite enough on your plate.

It is your DP's responsibility to look after his children but unfortunately he's not well enough to at the moment, you do not automatically take over his responsibility to care for his children when he isn't well enough.

And I really can't see what the children are going to gain from staying with you for three days whilst their father is bed bound and on morphine. It's clear that this is major surgery, not just recovering from a broken leg.
I understand that they may want to visit their dad but do they actually understand that he is bed bound and they will be bored out of their minds for 3 days? Surely they would have more fun at home that weekend and they visit in a couple of weeks when he's feeling better?

I understand what it's like to truly struggle with things and I know what can happen when we do too much and don't ask for help. It's important for everyone's sake that you don't burn out and if that means saying no to the kids coming then that's what you need to do.

Tutt · 22/02/2016 21:31

Say no and stick to it, it isn't up to the SIL or ex to arrange anything without consulting you! Your DH is incapable of looking after them so it falls on you and you sound like you have enough on your hands.
Take no notice of the nasty posts, they aren't walking in your shoes and must have their own 'issues', you don't sound resentful or that you lack effort, it does however sound like you are tired and stressed.

Say no!

Original poster
Busybuzzybumblebee · 22/02/2016 21:37

nona Ffs a spoiled charmed life, you know fuck all about my life. Not wanting dsc here for 3 nights whilst for the first time in years, is hardly being spoilt, yes a lot of people have it a lot worse but how does that effect my position or how I'm dealing with it. Frankly your post was nasty. Not cancelling for a weekend away, dp is unwell, bed bound and off his face!

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wannabestressfree · 22/02/2016 21:41

Ignore her...... you are doing the Right thing Flowers.