Advice for my daughter

[NotthespecialONE]

I will be drumming this into my daughters head.

DO NOT get into relationship/marry a man that already has children, run for the hills! Too much hassle than it's worth. There's always some crazy, bitter ex to deal with! (Very rare you don't)

You and any children you have with him will lose out because society has it that 'first families' are higher in the pecking order.

I understand every situation is different and so everyone's experience is different but based on my situation I wouldn't want my DD to get with someone who has DC either.

We've had enormous trouble from my DPs Ex and issues with all the DC aswell sometimes it just feels like it's to much

You realise, of course, that many people occupy the position of both crazy ex and step mum?

To me, the idea that the 'first family' has priority is ridiculous and way outside my experience (and that of anyone I know who is also divorced or separated). I am frequently reminded that my ex is a 'good man' simply by virtue of him seeing his children regularly. That I arrange all childcare, take time off work to deal with illness, do all appointments, arrange all holiday care, and the big one...actually pay for everything (he won't pay maintenance and gets away with it as he's self employed) means nothing at all. In fact, should I dare to say anything I immediately take up the position of 'the crazy ex' who should know which side her bread is buttered and stop bothering decent people who are just trying to get on with their lives. I mean, seriously, who on earth do I think I am expecting my ex to take some responsibility for the care of his children?!!!

What I find particularly worrying is that it is frequently women who stand behind him, egging on his bad behaviour, quite happy to tell me that I'm a 'grabby bitch' when I quite clearly can afford to support my children myself.

My ex's 'second family' by far has the best of him from a practical, financial and emotional perspective. Our children are forgotten amongst his anger and hatred of me because, you know, I dared to get on with my life rather than fight for him (he still - 8 years on - has no shame in asking me why I 'didn't fight for him', like any human being with even the tiniest bit of self esteem would want to continue to be with a man who cheats with other women and then refuses to support his children').

You should also consider what it's like to a child who is viewed as an inconvenience or nothing more than a visitor in one of their parent's homes. Or to be cared for by a resentful step mother who hates your very existence rather than actually deals with the fact that her issue is with a partner who expects to be able to palm his children off on her and for his life to continue as normal.

Not a psycho-ex in sight as far as I am concerned.

I agree OP, not because all Exs are horrible, or all step families are full of resentment. I agree because I didn't realise how just one person, a step child or an Ex, who still carried feelings or bitterness, can just topple the whole delicate balance of a step family.

My DP is a lovely man. My step kids are all lovely too. His Ex is difficult, but not a witch, she has many good qualities. Yet his Ex still carries feelings for my DP I think, she behaved like a child while married and still 'needs' my DP to be husband like. This caused a MASSIVE strain. She bad mouths me to the kids. Who have played off their parents and me and I tell you it got messy very quickly! I also find I am having to cope with all the left overs from my DPs marriage and role as Dad (ie he gave too much to everyone, and so now gives me very little in the way of support because he is 'wary' of being taken advantage again).

So yes, I'd be wary of my kids entering this kind of relationship, and would much rather they take a while finding a good partner who, hopefully, will mean they stay together forever and neither they or their kids have to go through this kind of stuff. I certainly wish I'd chosen my first partner more wisely!

cannot don't forget that some mums are quite happy to expect their children's stepmother to look after the children as well, not just the dad (stepmum's partner).
It would be wonderful if some parents just stopped being so entitled tbh.

And when I say some mums are happy to expect their children's stepmum to look after the children... I mean for the mum.
It really is no wonder stepmums get so resentful.

So yes, I'd be wary of my kids entering this kind of relationship, and would much rather they take a while finding a good partner who, hopefully, will mean they stay together forever and neither they or their kids have to go through this kind of stuff.

Isn't that what most people want though?

Unfortunately life isn't that simple.

And when I say some mums are happy to expect their children's stepmum to look after the children... I mean for the mum

this is not my experience and it isn't something I personally expect. However, I accept it happens. It seems odd to me, however, that you don't simply say 'no' and stick with that. I suspect the issue is frequently that dad is expecting new partner to look after the children when his ex asks (for whatever reason) and that he agrees without asking the new partner...and then blames the ex - short notice, emergency, blah, blah, blah. If I didn't want to help out I wouldn't. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

My exs dw has offered to pick DS up until ex comes in from work. I suppose it depends on the type of relationship you have. The fault could be with exs expections of his DP. The SM can easilysay no. In the same breath my DH looks after and cares for my DS fair more than his own DF but thats because he lives with me as I'm a resident parent. He certainly doesn't grumble about it. If the children need looking after if i'm at work then he does. Theres no but hes my DSS his DF should have him. He has looked after DC in the summer holidays whilst i worked. Theres is no labelling in our family all children are treated the same. So that statement of the SM caring for a step child especially when they have their own children i never understand.

My DP knows now to not agree to anything on my behalf without asking me first.
Regarding emergencies, I will help out when I can but if I am busy I can't/won't. Dsd's mum has my number so in those circumstances she can ask me directly. The last time she had an emergency she got dsd to ring me though- no idea why. To back me in a corner perhaps.

society has it that 'first families' are higher in the pecking order

Really? I don't see that at all (and my DC have older half-siblings) .

My exs dw has offered to pick DS up until ex comes in from work.

That's what I do on DP's days to have dsd. I pick her up from school but only because I'm going that way anyway picking my DS up.

If I didn't have a school aged child of my own to pick up then it really would be a case of "not my circus, not my monkeys".

I just think in a 'step' or 'blended' or whatever the term family - there are many more spokes to the wheel that do not come with vested interest in the 'new' family. I.e. kids or Ex. And therefore you can find yourself in a relationship with a LOT more hinderances and barriers.

I speak as a once very hopefuly single mother with a child, getting together with a man with kids. 6 years later, with a resentful Ex of DP, and step kids who have not made it easy, I would never have got involved. Step Mums tend to underestimate the challenges. I know I did!

I underestimated the challenges as well. I was 19 when I got with DP, so quite young.

I collect my DS from school as she collects from the house as shes a primary school teacher. I never asked her to but ex finished later than normal she has come so DS isnt sat round waiting. I never asked her to though but i suppose she does it for her DH. Ex had been in hospital for surgery and she came and took him to visit his dad no problems with her taking him. I think in situations it has to work both ways. Its probably why we have no problems or issues. Some mothers are insistant on it only beong ex to collect

There are far too many families with differents circumstances to have a blanket rule/advice.

Some men have horrible exes, some men are horrible exes, some have lovely exes, some have ok exes, some dont know because they havent seen them in 15 years, some lie about their exes. Some women have horrible exes etc etc

There are just so many different scenarios with each involved party having a different perspective to make a blanket rule.

Best advice is just to be decent, be around deceng people and do decent things. Oh and dont get caught up in other people's drama and bitterness even if that person is your mother trying to advise you based on her own experiences.

Oh and there's no rush on living with someone if you're meant to be together for life. Nor do you have to stay living together just because you've moved in. Moving companies can move you back out again just as easily.

^ this is all very true.

Because of my own experience, I'd be nervous of my children becoming step-parents but I completely accept there are so many different set-ups made up of different personalities that my experience will not be theirs. Just because I find the step parenting lark quite underwhelming doesn't mean they couldn't find it very fulfilling.

As a single parent i think i'd struggle to be with someone who also has children. Just based on the complications of my own family set up. But who knows. Maybe its easier than i'm anticipating?

The ones I feel the most sorry for are the resident parent who are dumped by their partner they still deeply love and not only have to face the person they love being with someone else, but to share their children with someone they have not chosen. Unfortunately, these people (women in the majority) are in this position through no choice of theirs. Women deciding to take on a man with sc do.

Saying that, my experience is also that of SM not having any issues with exes. I am pretty certain that my kids SM would say that she is very grateful I'm her sc's mum. I am not even chasing ex for maintenance even though he has been working full-time for a couple of years now.

I think excately the same swingofthings i was heartbroken my ex left me for someone else and feeling your not quite a family anymore but the fact he did that i wouldnt make allowances to have him back. As a single mom waving your child off to play happy families with another woma is heartbreaking all over again some women let it go others become bitter. But on the flip side of the resident mother who meets someone and they move in and are more actively involved in that childs life than the DF can feel resentful. I think we want to advocate for our DD to be part of the family unit not a seperate one if we can help it.

The ones I feel the most sorry for are the resident parent who are dumped by their partner they still deeply love and not only have to face the person they love being with someone else, but to share their children with someone they have not chosen.

Actually the ones I feel the most sorry for are the NRP that were cheated on by their ex. Who not only have to face being dumped by their partner (who also gets to see the children more often) but also have to share them with someone that lives with their DC but they had no choice in.

Nah the ones i feel most sorry for are the children caught up in any of that shite. Even the ones where the parents just fell out of love and are co-parenting amicably.

I think most of the ex wives would be less 'crazy' if men paid what it actually costs to raise their children and did their fair share of childcare etc, instead of buggering off with their new families!

NN - what does it actually 'cost' to raise children? And who gets to decide how much they 'cost'?? Should the father just stump up whatever cost the ex decides?

Costs vary even between children.

There should be a national figure worked out like they do with cost of living or living wage. Parents earning below a certain threshold pay a set minimum (not £5 split between 4 kids) and those earning above pay more proportional to income.

I think blended families can work if everyone works together for the benefit the children ie turn them into confident well round individuals.

If there is conflict on any side where the DSC are getting caught in the crossfire, forget it and run for the hills. No matter how hard you try, you will not make it better.

Found out recently my just 13yo DSD has been self harming and engaging in reckless sexual behaviour.

Her mum thinks a bit of counselling will erase all the years of bad mouthing and other poor behaviours.

I have an 8yo DD who idolises her big sis.

I should have ran for the hills when I was pregnant.