I love him, but can't live with his kids

[rebeccahawkins2014]

Hi there
After six months of living with my husbands four step children, 2 adult and 2 teenage, I don't think I can live with them any more. We have our own two children together, aged 19 months and 4 weeks old, but it's all too much. It doesn't help that we are crammed into a small house (2 bed house)!and finding a bigger property is just not happening. The older two 18 and 20 want to move out, but no private land lord will take them because they study and work as an apprentice. Their wages and ages are the main problem.

We ended up with my husbands kids because the mother could no longer look after them. I feel like I am living a nightmare and don't know how to get out of it. I love my husband so much, but living in these conditions and with his children is affecting the smaller ones and me. I'm stressed and my milk is beginning to dry up. If I leave it doesn't help my husband or me, but it will give me space and our small children space to play etc. I'm at a loss to know what to do. Can a marriage work if we live in two seperate houses? What will it do to the relationship I've been trying to build with his kids over the last 12 months? Am I running away from something when I should be staying? I don't know how much more I can take. His kids are not bad kids, they are just selfish and don't respect my husband. They argue with each other and my husband. It's just not an environment I want to be in or my children to grow up in.

Any advice? Should I move out?

i'd do like my granny and take to my bed with the little ones in with me. Just not well -not sure what's wrong. The step kids will have to the shopping, cooking, housework etc . That'll energise the older ones to move out and after a taste of doing your job , you can get up now and then and do some little thing and they will be so glad. If they stop being grateful and helping out-hey back to bed you go. either that or move out altogether. Try the bed cure first tho.

We've done to benefit search and for the oldest lad, because he earns a wage (even though it's low,) he's only entitled to £70 per month from government. Which doesn't help much in terms of paying rent plus bills. He only takes home £600. I've told my husband he might have to suck it up and get another job as well as. You know I remember when I was young I did all I can to bring in money, at one time I had three jobs, but for this generation they seem to expect everything to fall in their lap.

Woah, slow down. He's doing an apprenticeship full-time? That's not 'expecting everything to fall in your lap' is it?

The way the benefit system is set up in this country is very confusing and in this day and age the government should take into consideration blended families. Young people are not offered much any more (probably because the system has been so abused in the past.) I feel like driving to 10 Downing Street and ordering the prime minister to hear me out! Surely we are not the first blended family in the country to be presented with this issue? Over the years I've paid so much money to the government in taxes and our local council can't even house us. It's a joke!!!

The way you are heaping blame on everyone else is not very attractive.

You're stressed. You want some help from the state. Fine. You really need to calm down and think strategically rather than lashing out at everyone.

Can't see how finger-wagging about the number of kids OP has is at all helpful.

Agree with a modified version of the 'take to your bed' advice - divvy up household tasks among the older kids. If they can't contribute financially as much as would be ideal, then fair enough - it's a tough job market for young people right now - then they can contribute in other ways. Tell your husband too that he has to support that and not let them get lazy.

Realistically, (as you clearly already know) 5 bed social housing is as rare as hens' teeth and so adding the older two back on is unlikely to result in a suotable offer until they're long gone anyway.

I would suggest that they make their own application for social housing, which at least will give them some security if they are successful. Given your current over-crowding (and their low incomes) they should get some priority.

I work with HB/low income/young people trying to get private tenancies and let me tell you it's bloody hard for them!

In my area you need:

To earn 4X the amount of rent per month
Have previous PT references
First, last and an extra months rent for a deposit
Application fees cheapest I've seen is £100 per person, can range to £275 per person
A guarantor that makes 4X rent AND owns their own home

And this is for a room in a shared house (under 35's without kids or disabilities have to be in a shared house for LHA)

So as I've said its bloody hard and it's not just as easy as saying 'they'll just have to rent a room' unless they can find a legit LL that doesn't use an agency

Vodka how about foyers? Or are they for YP with an additional issue (besides housing need)?