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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I love him, but can't live with his kids

57 replies

rebeccahawkins2014 · 16/02/2016 00:45

Hi there
After six months of living with my husbands four step children, 2 adult and 2 teenage, I don't think I can live with them any more. We have our own two children together, aged 19 months and 4 weeks old, but it's all too much. It doesn't help that we are crammed into a small house (2 bed house)!and finding a bigger property is just not happening. The older two 18 and 20 want to move out, but no private land lord will take them because they study and work as an apprentice. Their wages and ages are the main problem.

We ended up with my husbands kids because the mother could no longer look after them. I feel like I am living a nightmare and don't know how to get out of it. I love my husband so much, but living in these conditions and with his children is affecting the smaller ones and me. I'm stressed and my milk is beginning to dry up. If I leave it doesn't help my husband or me, but it will give me space and our small children space to play etc. I'm at a loss to know what to do. Can a marriage work if we live in two seperate houses? What will it do to the relationship I've been trying to build with his kids over the last 12 months? Am I running away from something when I should be staying? I don't know how much more I can take. His kids are not bad kids, they are just selfish and don't respect my husband. They argue with each other and my husband. It's just not an environment I want to be in or my children to grow up in.

Any advice? Should I move out?

OP posts:

Original poster

rebeccahawkins2014 · 20/02/2016 15:07

Yes you are right and we were originally on the housing register with a 5 bedroom need, but were told by the council that it's highly unlikely a 5 bedroom property would become available so they took off the older two, so our need reduced to a 3 bedroom property. I think I should now request they go back on the register with us. Do you know if they have to be living with us for them to be included again?

OP posts:

Akire · 20/02/2016 15:16

If your eldest is being in £600 that should be even for basic room rent in most areas of UK and to live. Jsa is only what £52 for young person so he still much better off than being unemployed. It's not huge amount but even small housing top up should help. It's only until they qualify or get an extra part time job.

It's not ideal having to fed for selfs more but need must. Do they pay anything towards bills food at moment? Or is the apprentice keeping all £600 for self?

timelytess · 20/02/2016 15:23

You decided to marry a man and have two children by him, then his previous four children came to live with him from abroad, and you think the benefit system and council housing are not generous enough for you?

I think that's a bit a) entitled, if its true b) goady if it isn't.

You've had some lovely responses. I hope you can get something sorted out.

neonrainbow · 20/02/2016 15:32

What's wrong with the older two renting rooms in a house share?

Bluelilies · 20/02/2016 15:39

Get the two eldest put back on as living with you, but tell them you will happily take a 4 bedroom house, or even a 3 bedroom one if they'll let you. (They might tell you they can't let you a 3 bedroom one because you'd be overcrowded, but you should be fine with a 4 bedroom one). If they've simply taken them off your household then they're underestimating just how overcrowded you are. Worth having a look at their allocation scheme too to see what you need to prove to get higher priority.

Phone Shelter or CAB for advice.

Original poster

rebeccahawkins2014 · 20/02/2016 16:00

Thx for the advice. I think I will try both on Monday and see how we go. I'm sure it will come to an end soon. It's not like this forever. I've certainly had my love for my husband tested in all of this. Thanks to everyone for the help and advice. I hope that if anyone finds themselves in this situation in the future I can be of support, as all of this has been a mine field to understand. I chose my husband and you can't help who you fall in love with. We are soulmates and i never knew how complicated marriage could be. Only been married 3 years. I want to stick it out, I really do. I want all the kids to be happy with a better future. They weren't given that opportunity before

OP posts:

RoseDawson · 20/02/2016 16:23

Why did you have two kids with him if you have no space? And now the tax payers should just provide you with a 5 bedroom house? Even though you say you can afford one? Riiiiiiight

swingofthings · 20/02/2016 16:54

To be fair, it has nothing to do with the government. If someone is at fault, it is these kid's mother who chose to have four children yet seem to consider she has no responsibility to support them.

The 20yo should be giving at least £500 of his income to help, and indeed be looking for more hours. As for the rest, in between your husband's income and tax credits for 5 children, are you really not able to afford a larger house?

PrimalLass · 20/02/2016 17:03

Why did you have two kids with him if you have no space?

Can you read and/or add up? RTFT.

Original poster

rebeccahawkins2014 · 20/02/2016 17:20

Yes the government are generous to people like us, but we didn't ask for this. Yes we can get a bigger house, but it's not as easy as that. There are few houses and those available often go to people with both parents working and who are less dependent on benefits. With a 4 week old I can't work. I wish I could but I have no Childcare support. To the person who asked then please read my situation rather than judging on what you've read in a few comments. Yes the mother has s lot to answer for. All the kids fled their home out of safety, because sadly she became a drug addict. That's why we took them in... Could have turned them away and I could have left my marriage months ago, but I've chosen to stay to help my husband and the children

OP posts:

buckingfrolicks · 20/02/2016 17:34

You say 'we didn't ask for this' but your DH has now got 6 children that he fathered, who he is struggling to house properly. This simply does not make sense to me. He has four children who are by no means independent. What on earth possessed him to have two more?

Original poster

rebeccahawkins2014 · 20/02/2016 17:42

Because he married me

OP posts:

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 20/02/2016 17:55

What? So because the OP marries someone who already had kids, she's not meant to want her own? Are you for real?

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 20/02/2016 17:58

Also they might not be independent but 18 and 20 they are adult, and 14 and 15 not long behind. In theory if none are off to uni, the four of them could flat share/house share in four years' time, with £ the four of them earn, whether that's by working three jobs or moving location.

buckingfrolicks · 20/02/2016 18:05

well this is a couple who literally do not have space in their life for two babies, no matter how much the OP may 'want her own' kids. Yes I am absolutely for real.

Why do more people not consider, objectively, their material situation before having a baby? Why did the OP have the second baby, so quickly, when her situation was getting worse, not better? Seems a reasonable question to me, although totally unhelpful, given that the OP is where she is - and I'm sorry for her misery, which is palpable.

lookluv · 20/02/2016 18:07

Whilst the situation is not great for the OP, the attitude of most people on this topic is blame everyone but not the sodding father.

The Mother and Father are responsiblity for looking after their children belongs with both of them. I am sure the situation with the mother did not happen over night and he had to have known his children were at risk.

Sorry a case of stick my head in the sand and hope that the worst does not happen.

Yes the 20yr old can contribute - but as all of you seem happy here, all 4 will not be a problem in a few years and then the OP can go back to her happy little life because you can kick all the kids out at 18yrs old . Old family not as important as the new one - is the strong impression coming across.

A 20yr old has had their life fall apart, an 18yr old who probably had not considered the need to be living on their own and a 14 and 15 yr old who are probably traumatised.
Whilst I feel for the OP the over riding get rid of the step kids attitude sucks

PrimalLass · 20/02/2016 18:51

Why did the OP have the second baby, so quickly, when her situation was getting worse, not better?

Again, do the maths. The older kids have only been there 6 months.

PrimalLass · 20/02/2016 18:52

And

The older two 18 and 20 want to move out

QuiteLikely5 · 20/02/2016 19:01

m.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/repairs_and_bad_conditions/common_problems/overcrowding

QuiteLikely5 · 20/02/2016 19:03

You need to read the above link.
The eldest boy can present as homeless or you can just rent privately.

If your dh works you can claim tax credits for four kids plus get the eldest to pay you some of his wages

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 20/02/2016 19:05

lookluv

I am a stepchild as it happens. Many children, stepchildren or not, make their own way by 18-20, certainly by 24.
I was pointing out that making a choice to have babies was not that feckless given the difference in age. As to the four children sharing a place that was a practical solution based on sharing of finances and maybe watching too much Party of Five

Coldwatebay · 20/02/2016 19:21

My 18 year old foster child is an apprentice on an apprentice wage of £110 per week. She lives on her own in a rented flat now and makes up her income by working evenings and Sundays waitressing. It does stack up.

lookluv · 22/02/2016 19:40

I am not saying the 18 and 20yr old can not do more. I was living on my own by 20 but the safet net of M & D were always there for me thankfully and for most children.

Just the attitude on here is really quite, anti his first family.

Sorry he had to know there were problems. Good on OP and their father for taking them in but really this did not happen over night.

DontMindMe1 · 22/02/2016 21:40

What on earth possessed him to have two more?

really?

why don't you ask 'what on earth possessed the birth mother from having kids she can't/won't support?'

Or is it just the fathers who are meant to have a crystal ball that tells them what the future holds for their relationships and lives?

he took his kids in when they needed it - far from neglectful/irresponsible behaviour. This family are rolling with the hard/difficult times in life and dealing with a situation they've not experienced before.

Thegreenhen1 · 23/02/2016 18:17

I would leave. No way I could live like that with step children or bio children.

You need some quality of life and I can't see how you have any in your situation.

If your marriage is meant to survive it will.

If dp doesn't understand your need to leave, then maybe he's not the man for you.

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