At what age should children decide contact?

[ClaudoftheRings]

I ask because DSS - 10 - is beginning to opt out of some mid-week visits (he's happy as larry at weekends) and his mother is letting him do it.

In fact, she is occasionally causing it by taking him out to visit friends until late (after midnight) and then saying he is too tired to come the next night etc.

Is 10 too young to decide that contact can be skipped here and there?

I'd say the NRP's feelings have to come second to what the child wants. That said, it doesn't sound like the child has come to this decision by themselves and it looks pretty obvious to me that the mother is undermining the child's contact with his dad. That's really not okay and I would be starting mediation with a view to going down the court route if mediation didn't solve the problem.

In my view, safeguarding risks aside, a child should be actively encouraged to see both parents as much as possible until they are of an age where they can understand the implications of dropping contact.

child should be made to stick to the agreement no matter what either parent decides how that would be policed I have no idea... the agreement is there for the good of the child not the parents.

Chicago was there some significant reason why you didn't want to see him? That doesn't seem to be the case in the OP's post.

How sad Chicago. My DP's daughter is 12 and has just started to say she doesn't want to come and stay (she's a little way away so just coming for tea etc is not possible). Although we understand she wants to see her friends etc it has been really upsetting for me, her dad and her little brother who have worked so hard to ensure she is a proper part of the family rather than the occasional visitor.

You just stopped wanting to go for no reason? And you have no contact with him? For no reason?

I see what you're saying and clearly it was the right decision for you but I still believe that's far too big of a decision for a 10 year old to make.

I can see why coming midweek is not ideal and do think that the child should have some input on what works for them.

Is there a solution that would work better and wouldn't necessitate your dh not seeing him for the best part of two weeks? Maybe taking him out for an evening during the week, or for a few hours on his non-access weekend?

Maybe a Friday night would be better? Then he could have a lie in on Saturday if he was tired.

How far away do you live from their house? I honestly don't know what he can do, what about offering to take him out after school or coming round for a couple of hours? Trickier if it's far away but I think you could try that. It's hard to know if it's DS initiating it or not though, sorry.

I can just imagine the level of professional intervention and investigation that would take place if a DC who lives with both parents said that they didn't want to spend time with one of their resident parents! There would be serious questions asked - what has the parent done, is the DC safe, should they remain in the home - it would be a serious concern.

I have no idea why the rejection of a parent is unacceptable when the family live together, but when they separate, it's seen as perfectly normal and expected.

Thanks for the constructive suggestions.

I think taking him to school a couple of mornings a week would be great and I think DH would be up for it but that will only last a few months as he will be travelling alone from September.

Meal after school might work, too.

I also think there needs to be more flexibility to see him on weekends he's not with us.

Also, DSS's mother goes bananas during half terms and summer hols if DSS is with us and says she MUST see him every three days as she misses him so much. So she demands an evening with her or sometimes an overnight stay. DSS seems quite bemused by it all. It doesn't help just as he's all settled at ours and often disrupts days out.

I think we need to review the whole thing and come up with some fresh ideas and then stick to them.

Umm that holiday set up is no good either - again, it shouldn't be about what the parent needs.

I really would consider mediation in these circumstances.

That's a very odd attitude do having to do things chigago

You wouldn't allow a child to not go to school, to not to home from school at the end of the day, or not come to visit grandparents just because they said they didn't want to, with no reason I'd always listen to a child, but they would have to try to explain why they felt the way they did, so that I could try to put things right as a parent. It's a big loss to lose a relationship with a parent, just because of not feeling like seeing them when you're so young.

My DS had a short phase of not wanting to visit his dad, when the split was quite new and he was just getting used to it all. He shouted, loudly, "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO DAD'S HOUSE" all the way there on one occasion, but his reasons were silly - that his dad didn't let him watch TV enough, and he had a new toy he felt like playing with at home. In that situation it was definitely right to overide his views. He has a great relationship with his dad now, if I'd just say, "OK, stay at home then" he'd have lost a lot.

Taking him to school sounds a good idea. Generally, if he can come up with suggestions that are likely to make his ex's life easier, like doing the school run, she's much less likely to want to stop the contact even if DSS has phases of being ambivalent about it.

Four yes, it's hugely annoying and disruptive. If DH declines the mid-holiday demands she goes completely tonto (screaming at DH in front of DSS) so he caves in for a quiet life but he really hates it and now even has to plan around it. I am encouraging him to push back. As you say, it is entirely about her needs, not DSS's.

She bought him a phone so that when he stays at weekends she can call him. All the time. He now rarely switches it on.

Blue Yes, if she feels she is getting something out of it then maybe she will be more supportive and consistent.

The value placed on a relationship with a NRP by the RP varies greatly - some DCs, like chicago, have parents who don't believe that losing a parent will do any lasting damage to a DC.

It's a self fulfilling prophecy - a child never misses what they don't experience.

That sounds really, really unhealthy, Claud.

claud that wounds completely wrong and one sided.

I try to be measured in my posts on here but don't always manage. In reality, she makes our lives a nightmare for no good reason. DH couldn't do more to support his son and this is the thanks he gets. Makes me very sad

With respect, Chicago, you've basically said you made a potentially life changing decision aged ten and the only reasons you could give would sound silly when written down.
From an outside perspective and based on the limited amount you've posted, it can look as though your parents didn't do enough to maintain that link, which many parents believe to be extremely important.
I'm glad it hasn't had any lasting, negative impact on you.