Issue - Sharing a gift (computer) with the stepbrother

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Ladies,

now what I do. My son (10) got a nice laptop for christmas from his real dad. I bought the sims 4 game for this laptop for him and he loves it. My partner son (8) wants to play the sims 4 on my son's computer, even though I bought him the Sims 3 for the x-box (there is no sims 4 available). The issue is that the small boy is requiring to play on my sons computer like they are sharing the computer equally. Now in the evening, I was busy doing some photoshop lessons with my son on the computer and my partner politely asked me to give a go to his son on the computer because he is going to bed soon. He said he promised his son he will be able to play there before bed.

I find it quite unfair and don't feel very comfortable about how it is especially because when my partners son gets something, its his primarily and my son can play only when it is free to play. My partner always comes up with a stupid excuse that his son comes for 4 days a week so my son has 3 days a week to play on his own, but I dont find that a valid reason anyway.

Please share your thoughts.

I have just read your other threads op and for the sake of your son you need to leave this man.

I feel so sorry for your ds tbh, If you won't stick up for him and get him out of a horrible situation then who will?

I know its difficult to believe but he was acting very ok since the christmas since I moved back to our home. It just has started now again:/ I have my regular sessions with the counsellor so I will speak about this to her on Wednesday. I know I probably shouldn't of moved back, I think Im stuck in my own emotional trap:/

What did your son say about you moving back?

You asked if my partner ever understood?

He says he does now when we discuss it, but I think if the clock was turned back, he would probably do exactly the same again.

I suspect you're doing a lot of listening to him and his "reasoning" and not getting a lot of your own reasoning heard?

thegreenhen yes exactly as you said, lots of listening to his logical reasons and getting my point across fails. He just tells me I'm defending my son and rather should live on my own then if I can't cope with other children. Not sure which one of us can't cope here.

clam my son said he missed to live with boys and he likes to live with them, if just daddy didn't treat the small one as a king.

But it's not just about him treating his youngest as a King. According to your previous posts about this (and I know it's bad form to bring those up but I think ore relevant here), he's actively criticising and berating your son a significant amount of the time. That must be hugely damaging to his self esteem.

This reminds me of a horrible relationship I was in, and your dp treats your ds just like my ex did. Took me a LONG time to leave because he convinced me it was me being unreasonable.
All I can say is that my son blossomed once I left ( kicked ex out) and my stress levels decreased massively. I'm sad I allowed my son to be sidelined for so long.
Your Dp is massively overcompensating for his ds due to guilt / whatever ... And it is hard for the small ds as he sees another boy living with his dad. But the way he excludes the older son from this sharing idea he has is crazy. The bottom line is your ds is being clearly shoved to the bottom of the family pile... Time to rebalance that.

sparkly72 you just got it all so right all you said! Yes Im the unreasonable one here! Can I please ask how did you manage to end it at the end and when did you finally realized its time to end.

clam he is aware of that, I made that very clear before I moved back in, he stopped doing that do thats one issue less for now.

I dont have experience of being a parent of a blended family but a child of one.

Reading your other thread your dp sounds like my stepdad. His children and my mums and his children were allowed anything of mine etc and he treated me horrendously.

Looking back i was being properly emotionally abused but my mum wasnt interested really as long as she never rocked the boat.
Life was better without him and when my mum left him on the occasions she did the relief was immense....and then she would go back - and my emotional abuse got worse each time because he knew she wasn't going to leave prooerly.

She eventually left after 16 years and i was 22 with a dc of myself. Our relationship is non existant - i went nc about 3 years ago and she has never met dd2. I would say our relationship is so bad because she put him before me and made my childhood thoroughly miserable and didnt really care how i was affected as long as he was happy.

Similarly i work with teenagers now who have become homeless due to family breakdown and so much of it is due to step parents taking over.

I know this thread is about usage of a laptop but the way your dp tries to undermine what you say and do with your own child sounds oh so familiar.

dilbert19912 thanks for sharing your story it actually helps me to understand my own situation for your situations!

You sound strong headed and know its not ok and challenging dp is excellent because seeing his reaction is indicative to how he thinks the house should be run - and how your views differ.
Well done for thinking properly about it all instead of just allowing it to go ahead and i wish you all the best

On a practical note, could you suggest to your dp he buy the extra 30 pounds thing and he use his own belongings from now on to prevent any further rows. You are not being unreasonable suggesting this.
As for him saying things like you not being suited for a blended family (paraphrasing sorry) - he is the one with the problems - not you.

You need to get out of this situation. Who own she house you live in? It's not good for your son-he will start to resent you for not sticking up with him.

I had a friend at school who's mum did very similar things-always forcing her to share stuff with a younger step-sibling. It would inevitably not be looked after properly and get broken. My friend moved out of her house and went to live with her dad at 14-she has very little relationship with her mum at all now.

You need to stick up for him-your partner sounds like a bully.

Reading an older thread - your dp tells ds that if he doesn’t start behaving in a certain way he will have to go and live with his dad
..... What sort of person says that to a child?

If you do decide to leave in the future please make both dp and ds aware why you ended the relationship - it will make your son feel better to hear "i left because he wasnt treating you right and you are my priority."

Mirror what he's saying back to him. He is the one who can't cope with other children and he isn't dealing well with a blended family. Whose house is it you live in?

I agree this isn't about the laptop but your partner's propensity to prioritise his agenda by bullying you/your son. It's all about him eh? He can't even hear anyone else's pov, it's just white noise to him.
What's the point?

"he stopped doing that do thats one issue less for now."

Doesn't sound like it to me. He's slipping back into old habits.

I agree, I think he's going to wait til he's got his feet back under the table properly before he starts verbally abusing your son again. The more you let slide at this stage the harder it will be to challenge it as it escalates.

I realised it was time to end after he lied to his ex wife about something huge - and I found out from her. It was embarrassing and showed me a lot of things - it wasn't me imagining it, he had no respect for me otherwise he wouldn't have put me in that position, and that his issues ( mental health/ personality disorder - whatever) were too difficult for me to cope with. I didn't realise I was in an abusive relationship until about 4 months later... And the realisation then that my son had been part of that was a huge shock for me.

Please put your son first. This man has shown you time and time again who he is. Counselling, soul searching and wringing your hands isn't going to change him, it's just going to allow more and more time to pass in which he pushes your son further down the priority list. Your son is being emotionally bullied (I've read your previous threads) and you are letting this happen by keeping this man in your life.

I agree with Nicki it would be a cold day in hell before I let my son be treated like this.

Please gather your strength and make the best choice you can as a mother. Give your son the gift of a happy childhood not one he looks back on and resents. As he gets older he may start to wonder why he had to put up with it, what answer would you give him?

What would you DP do if challenged on this issue by your ex? Given that he bought his son the laptop he would have every right to.
I recall my DP ex saying that our DD (so the SC sister) shouldn't be allowed to play on SC Xbox when they were at home. Literally trying to control what happened in OUR home when SC weren't even there!!