50/50 residency

[ktt512]

Hi everyone, i'm having a really pants week and could really do with some advice.

I've been a SM for a couple of years and have 2 DSS's. We have them 3 weekends on, 1 off, 3 nights at a time. My OH absolutely adores his kids and our current contact arrangement isn't enough for him, it really gets him down that he can't have them more and it breaks my heart to see him tearing himself up over it. We have been toying with the idea of going for 50/50 residency because that is his dream. However, as you would expect, my DSS's BM wasn't keen on the idea (because she doesn't want to lose the money my OH pays her) and loosely agreed on the basis that we cannot swap any weeks with her to miss things like half terms, if half term is on one of our weeks then tough, that's our problem. This obviously would never work for us at the moment because we don't physically have enough annual leave between us to cover taking weeks off for the major holidays AND half terms, so she knew we'd never be able to take her up on it. On the face of it, this is a very fair way to do it, but we both work and she is a stay at home mum (she has 3 other kids beside DSS's).

So this leaves us with one option if we wanted to go ahead and that is that one of us gives up work. We can't afford for my OH to give up work because he's the breadwinner by a long shot, so then that leaves me giving up work. This makes more sense as we're ttc ourselves so (with any luck) in the near(ish) future I won't be working anyway. I get on great with the kids and I love them to bits (even though sometimes I want to run screaming from the house with frustration lol) and they love being here, they cry every time they leave and beg me to let them come back during the week. Not that it is all rainbows and sunshine at our house, I like to think I run a tight ship and there are rules for them and expectations of behaviour that they are, for the most part, happy to abide by. They are really good kids in that respect and i'm super lucky that we haven't yet run into problems.

Yesterday, my OH and the boys BM got into an argument about maintenance from the christmas period where my OH didn't pay as much because the boys had been with us from boxing day til 4th of Jan, it's escalated to BM calling the CSA and opening a case against him and her saying he'll never get more time with them than he has now. He's hurt, angry and frustrated by the whole thing because BM spits the dummy about all manner of things fairly often, he feels he has no control and that he's being painted as a dead beat dad when in reality he fights tooth and nail for his kids. Again, the idea of 50/50 residency has been brought up and we've got an appointment to see a solicitor, but he's convinced it's a waste of time, that the law isn't on his side, that it's 100% up to her how much he gets to see his kids.

I don't know what to do or what to tell him other than 'we'll see what the solicitor says' - it's not like he wants to wrench the kids away from their mother, he just wants an equal amount of time with them. But then he gets frustrated with me because i'm trying to be positive and counter his doom and gloom approach and we end up arguing.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Or seen a solicitor about this kind of thing? Am I being too optimistic that a father should have as much right to his children as their mother?

Genuine questions - if the children have an awful home life then why does your OH want 50:50 and not full time? And what do your DSS's want? Are they old enough to have an opinion that they are vocalising?

I was actually referring back to funinthesun who was suggesting it was OK to use the term 'birth mum'. It isn't.

Where did I ever say it was OK? I only said in some places it is a commonly used term which it is.

You were in a difficult situation, however please don't put words into my mouth or sentances

Bluelillie said all that needed to be said. Plus Birth mother is offensive shes their mom you are step mom. Theres certain boundaries that should be respected. She is their primary carer and available to care for the child and your DP is working. Therefore it makes no sense you care for them while an 'biological'parent is available. I don't believe its in the best interest of the child, why take them out of a routine they are clearly used to. The level of access is really good. I can't see you getting anymore to be truthful. I would suggest maybe one night during the week where he takes them to school and holiday access..i think mediation might be useful for ur DP and his Ex this is done between them. An agreement can be done with a mediclator with set days

Don't give up work to look after your DSSs. You are not their parent.

However, if you have a baby and become a SAHM, you can think again about a 50:50 arrangement for your DSSs.

No. It's not.

Yes it is where my DH family come from not that they would use it as it is horrible

Oh and my DH has been called a lot worse than 'birth father' by his abusive adulterous exW and her current partner

I need to add that my DS on half term has an over night at my DB. He loves going and has a loving relationship with him does that make me a bad mom. My DD regularly goes to my SIL and has a loving relationship. My parents/aunt watch my children during half term so i can go out to work but i don't get my ex questioning why DS has quality time with family members. I feel its important to establish relationships woth external family members. I think you might be being unfair OP.

Giving up work to care for your step children half of the week is ridiculous. Even more so when their mother is already at home. If your DH isn't around to take care of them then he is not entitled in my opinion to attempt to take them away from their mum

Cannot, what you've been through is unforgivable, for someone to treat you that way in regards to your children is astounding. I'm so so sorry!

With the maintenance, the arrangement for the whole time i've known my OH has only been loosely based on the government calculator, they have had a private arrangement between themselves which included my OH paying more on any weeks we don't have the kids and less on any weeks where we have them the majority of nights - that is why this argument has come as a bit of a shock as it is not out of the ordinary for their arrangement, in fact it is normal.

My OH works pretty good hours, he picks them up from school on our school day - they go to after school club for an hour but they love it and ask to go because their friends do. I do tend to drop them off in the mornings on my way to work, but that's just my way of trying to help as I drive past their school and my OH works in the opposite direction. The option of having them on another week night has been discussed but never really consented to, they spend a week night with other relatives most weeks but we can't necessarily prove that - we know because the kids are very open about it, but their mum swears that it doesn't happen. Short of turning up at the relatives house on a week night and snapping a picture, my OH can't do much about it. Their grandparents are very keen to see their weekend continue, they have refused to give it up and the boy's mum is happy to see it carry on. I suppose, if we had the 4th weekend too it would impact the maintenance payments?

My OH is in bits this evening because of horrible, gloating messages he's received about not being able to see the kids and that he'll never get what he wants. It's just mean.

Do you blame their grandparents given you have majority of the weekends? When do they have their time other than their weekend. I think what she does or spends her time maybe visiting family maybe them staying over has no relevance to you and DP.

It doesn't sound perfect your dp ex but i agree with the maintence having afew extra days in the holidays shouldnt of effected it. i give my ex extra days if hes off work and working he doesnt reduce his payments because of one day or two. Your talking pennies here.

No don't give up work to look after your DSCs. It isn't your responsibility to do so.

I wasn't saying its a bad thing that they spend time with other family members, I was just explaining why my OH is having trouble finding other nights of the week to have more contact. In fact, if he had 50/50 access then it leaves two weekends a month for visits to other family members. And while I do think that other family members should absolutely be given the time and space to form bonds with the children, is every single week at the expense of their father having more time with them acceptable? It's a tough situation and I can't see a right or wrong answer. As I've stressed before, I'm not here to cast aspersions on the parenting skill or choices of their mother, If the roles were reversed I'd hate to think she was doing that to me. But I have to support my other half in his desire to spend more time with his kids.

I think he has a really good access more than most men. My ex gets two over nights a week and one weeks holiday access. I try to give him extra if it im at work and hes off work, but if hes working which he does full time,hes with me.

I think the first thing your OH should do is probably to work out an average rate of child support to pay regardless of how much he has the DSC. Use the CMS calculator which takes account of average levels of contact over the year, and set up a monthly standing order for it. By doing that he'll help break the tension around more contact meaning less money fit bid ex. When it's established that he pays a fixed amount that doesn't go up and down on a weekly basis depending on the number of overnights he'll reduce the financial incentive for his ex to refuse contact, or use other family members because they're effectively cheaper. So negotiations about extra contract should become less charged.

less money for the ex

It seems like a big motivator is actually reducing maintenance. Which suggests this is not actually about the kids. Why would a step mum stop work when they already have a sahm?
Why on earth would anyone cut maintenance at Christmas? She didn't really have much choice but to agree.
It sounds like a nice arrangement for everyone already. Except that you two seem to resent having to pay the maintenance

Not sure I buy all the terrible mother stuff and not sure the court would either

"I have to support my other half in his desire to spend more time with his kids"...
Then why doesn't he take the holidays off rather than you having to give up work?!

And yes, your ex should try mediation rather than marching off to court. Far more appropriate.

I'm afraid your post has hit a bit of a nerve with me. My ex has constantly gone on about 50:50 as if it is some sort of golden prize and I'm not convinced that even if he had it he would be satisfied. And that's before we even think about what is best for the children. I think your dp needs to get some counselling to deal with his feelings over this - we all miss our kids when they are with their other parent - wishing things were different all the time isn't healthy.

I have 2 dc who have every other weekend contact with their dad plus midweek teatime. Dss is with us roughly half the time (but very much on his mum's terms). Contact schedules are't the only factor here but my dc are very settled. Dss is the one who gets insecure and plays his parents off each other. I think generally children feel more secure with a 'base'.

I agree mscolouring and it bothers me that maintenance is often an underlying factor in the push for more
That and dads (like mines dad and op's DH) who claim they want "more time with the kids" but then actually have them in after school/cared for by step mum!!

I also agree Mcolouring, OP you and DP are not thinking of the children here. They've had a base with their mum as primary carer all of their lives, and how would being split down the middle, their mum less well off to care for them, more time in Dads house but not being picked up from school by him and step mum being crafted in like his personal housekeeper, no one parent being on top of their school/emotional development, how is that better for them?

I am a step mum, we've had step kids 50/50 (although DP still paid full maintenance) - and they either ended up on their own a lot as DP works long hours. Or weeks with me as SAHM on holidays.Neither parent had their eye properly on them, two girls played on the ability to escape their parents attention and got into difficulties, and they ended up resenting me as proxy parent.
If your DP wants to be more of a father then how the hell isn't supporting the mother in her role part of that? Sorry bit he is just being selfish here.

throwingpebbles - At no point have I said she is a terrible mother and I certainly never would. Everyone parents differently and with 5 kids to deal with I can't imagine life is easy. What have I said that gives you the impression that my OH wants to see his kids more to pay her less money?? I have said that money is a reason he isn't allowed more time with the kids, that is a fact, not me trying to paint their mother as some hideous woman...as I also explained, they have had an agreement for a long time over how money is paid and when they are at our house for a long period of time he reduces the money. This has never been a problem between them until now, it has always worked that way. No one is 'marching off to court', seeking legal advice does not mean my OH is going to drag her to court - actually, she has demanded that he does if he ever wants to see his children more than 9 days a month.

Frankly I'm a little taken aback that it is apparently so frowned upon for a father to desire to have more time with his children than the 'normal' every other weekend visitation. Just because he is a man doesn't mean that he needs his children less than a mother does. He loves his children more than anything and I find it more than a little insulting that anyone would assume that his motives for seeing them more are to not have to pay child support. If I gave up working outside of the home it would be to help him out in terms of the school run (there are other factors to our lives which makes me working from home an attractive option for us as well) but personally I think that the 20 minute car ride to and from school is an acceptable amount of time for me to be in sole charge of them - by the time we got home in the evening my OH would be on his way home himself (like I said before, the boys school is in the opposite direction to my OH's work, it's just quicker for me to do the school run). This doesn't impact on his time with them in the mornings or in the evenings. He has enough annual leave to cover the major school holidays, and I might have to take on a half term week once a year, but if I was to ask their mum if she'd like to swap so she could have them herself, she's already said she wouldn't. It's certainly not a case of a step mother taking children away from their parent - the possibility of me looking after them is not the reason she and my OH can't agree on 50/50 terms.

Thank you for your help bluelillies, having always calculated the payments on a week by week basis til now, the average over the year way of doing it would definitely ease tensions as then at least both parties know where they stand at all times. Theoretically it should cause less arguments anyway!!

MsColouring, I don't actually think counselling would be a bad idea, you certainly have a point there. I don't think it will ever stop him wanting more time with the kids, but it might well help him deal with the situation better.

ktt512 - I'm goin to take issue something you've just said - it's meant kindly, not to have a go.

"Just because he is a man doesn't mean that he needs his children less than a mother does."

This is absolutely not the issue. When sorting out child arrangements, the child's interests are paramount - not the mother or the fathers.

The point being made to you is that the children have a SAHM as the main carer now, that is the current status quo. The courts/mediators will always try to keep the status quo, because that is what gives the children stability.

Reverse the roles of the mother and father - the answers would be the same. Nobody is trying to say that a father loves/needs his children less because he is a man.

The fact is, children need stability - a court won't change the status quo just 'because'. There would have to be a good reason, to do with the welfare of the children. They won't change it just to be 'fair' to the father, because he needs them, or because the stepmum has become a sahm.

Your absolute best course of action here is restore good relations with the mother, sort the maintenance payments along the lines of bluelilies suggestion, and take contact from there. Because frankly, it does sound like your dh is making it all about the maintenance, in fact both parties are.

Just to add, the posters here have got the impression from your words that your dh is looking to reduce maintenance payments, so I imagine his ex has the same impression.

You may find that if you can agree on set amounts each month, she will be more agreeable to more contact.

Good luck.

Exactly that Greenwood.

OP please take a huge step back. Everything you describe is about HIS, your DPs needs. But bringing up children is NOT about either parents desires or needs, it is to PARENT, according to the child's needs.