DSD says that seeing both parents is "too stressful" on xmas day.

[beansprout]

Dsd (19) has elected to spend xmas day with her friends and won't see either of her parents on xmas day as it is "too stressful". I respect her views and appreciate that she is 19 and just may prefer to see her friends instead but it feels a bit harsh as we have bent over backwards to try and make the double parent thing as stress free as possible.

We live 20 mins away from her and her mum (on purpose, not really where we would have chosen) and dh has always picked her up at the time she wanted, she has stayed only as long as she wanted to and been taken to wherever (her mum's or her grandparents). This has always meant we have never seen my family on Christmas day as they live further away and we have always needed to stay here and be flexible. My parents can't come here as dh has wanted sds to feel that it's about her on xmas day and not anyone else. Oh and we've certainly never gone in for that "2 xmas dinners" type nonsense!!

I appreciate that it still probably stressful, I guess it's just difficult when you try so hard and it's still wrong....!

she's 19 .. anything you do would be wrong

its a deliciously self-centred age where the world revolves around you and only your feelings count .. well yours and the numerous causes you might aspire too .. but even they are caused by our (the parental) generation

don't be hurt

don't worry about it

she wouldn't be normal otherwise

and now you can see your family for once

Yeah, thanks Twig! You are right, I just needed to hear that!

I agree - there's no need to be hurt. we all of us sometimes like the idea of spending christmas in one place - without any driving around etc. she may well feel that she can't elect to spend the whole christmas with one parent - as she might be afraid of seeming unfair - especially when you've put so much effort in in the past. Another thing to bear in mind is that the stress she refers to might well go deeper than just the logistics. a lot of kids with divorced parents are very conscious of being fair, of being "faithful", of not upsetting or antagonising anyone - and that can effect the littlest things - like your conversation - on occasions like Christmas - it can be virtually every word. It can, honestly, put you on edge a lot of the time. There is also the fact that it might just be painful for her. Obviously I know nothing about the background, but there are some kids who appear to be incredibly well adjusted to having divorced parents, who might appear not to care and even to behave selfishly, but the reality may well be that it still hurts - and she just finds Christmas too much - if she has happy memories of Christmas with her parents together the fact that she has to go from one to the other to see tham both at Christmas is a cruel reminder, that may well lead her to this kind of decision.

In your shoes I would suggest that your dh/p and her mum gently say to her that no-one would be remotely offended or upset if she'd like to spend it with either one of you. she's nearly an adult now (well, I know legally she is, but ykwim) and you have to respect her choices but still keep open all options and communications.

I have to say, at 19 I was the same - at that time in your life (esp when your parents are separated and if you've had years of it), your friends are your family and it does seem way cooler and more grown up to opt out of the 'family' thing. Just enjoy your Christmas.