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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSS and absent mum

12 replies

JE1234 · 28/12/2015 00:22

DSS lives with his dad and me and has not had any contact whatsoever with his mum for years now. She has not called, sent cards, literally not a word. She moved from her last flat without leaving a forwarding address and despite repeated efforts we didn't manage to track her down. She became a class A drug user when DSS was 5 and then became an alcoholic, she had stopped drinking when we saw her last but was still taking drugs. On Christmas Eve she turned up at the house unannounced to give DSS a Christmas present. His dad was out so it was me who answered the door. She was very clearly drunk and was refusing to speak to me. As she was in a state I didn't let her in but asked if she was staying locally and asked her to come back when she was sober. She told me where she was staying, got aggressive and I closed the door on her. I didn't want DSS to see her in that state and didn't feel confident to deal with it on my own. We went to where she was staying today to try to talk to her and she has gone. I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that she might be gone for good again and I know DSS wants to see her. It's irrational but I can't help feeling it's my fault. I'm also pregnant so hormones and emotions are running wild. She could still be local as she had friends in the area but I hate her for doing this to her and our wonderful boy. I just don't know what to do now or why I feel so shaken by this.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 28/12/2015 09:09

Honestly, it's a blessing she wasn't there. What children want isn't always what they need. Just keep doing what you are doing.

Friendofsadgirl · 28/12/2015 09:13

I presume your DSS knows that she came on Christmas Eve?
You definitely did the right thing refusing her entry and if she has left again then that's her choice not yours. You have done exactly the right thing in protecting your DSS.

Original poster

JE1234 · 28/12/2015 09:54

He didn't know at the time, he was upstairs in his room on his PS4. We did tell him when his dad came home though. He was upset I didn't let her in but I think he understands now. He's distraught that she isn't where she said she'd be. He went over to try to see her last night, we only found that out this morning. He'll get past it, I just wish she would stop messing him around. He so desperately wants his mum to show some interest and I stupidly thought she might be having a change of heart. Having said that he is better off without her whilst she still is drinking and possible still on the drugs. I just hate seeing him hurting so much, he's been through enough.

OP posts:

Friendofsadgirl · 28/12/2015 10:36

It's such a shame his mum is useless but he is fortunate to have his dad and you. You sound like a great step mum

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 28/12/2015 11:08

You sound like a brilliant stepmum and protected DSS against the emotional impact of seeing his mum in such a state.

Of course he will see it differently (at least initially) and feel that you denied him access to his mum, and you being pregnant may exacerbate these feelings. Maybe a conversation around reassuring him of how much you and his father love him and that you will always do what you can to facilitate a relationship between him and his mother, but that this has to be a healthy one and one which will benefit (not hurt) him.

Original poster

JE1234 · 28/12/2015 11:57

I know you're right and he does know how much we both love him. He's a strong kid but he doesn't understand how a mum can up and leave her kid. He seems to be past thinking it's him and he has a better understanding of addiction as a teenager but he's hurting so much. He asked if we could go shopping together this afternoon, which is his code for I want to talk to you without dad around. Fingers crossed it goes ok.

OP posts:

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 28/12/2015 13:30

Good luck with the "shopping" - it's great that you have a relationship where he feels he can confide in you.

Original poster

JE1234 · 28/12/2015 14:36

We didn't make it far, just to the Costa in town. He ended up breaking down so we came home. He has said he doesn't want to see her until he is 18 although we'll leave the door open for him to change his mind. He was planning to tell her that last night but she had already gone. He wanted help explaining it to his dad (his dad will completely understand). He also asked if he can call me mum. I feel like his mum and I feel like he sees me as his mum but I just am a bit wary as obviously I am not his bio mum. It seems to mean a lot to him, does anyone have any advice/been in this position. I know the advice is usually to say no. I just skirted round it and told him I love him regardless of who gave birth to him and I'll always be there for him.

OP posts:

WitchSharkadder · 28/12/2015 14:45

Oh, wow, your poor DSS

I know it's done now, but just wanted to say I think you handled her turning up perfectly, OP.

As for calling you Mum, I would let him. I know the general advice on here is usually different, but in this situation I think it might be good for your DSS. You say he's a teen, so old enough to have a good understanding of the everything and you've obviously been a mother figure to him for many years and have a close relationship. There is no deception or coercion at all so let him go for it if he wants.

EllieJayJay · 29/12/2015 22:03

I echo what another poster says the general view on here is if your a step mum you can't ever be DSC mum, but it takes more than giving birth to a child to be a mum, and each story is very very different - if you love and live with a child 24/7 or thereabouts and they see you as their mum you are their mum and by the sounds of it you are his mum and if he wants to call you mum and your happy with it, then let him X

Poor bean it can be so confusing for them, I was that kid but sounds like you have been an utterly wonderful influence in this young mans life x

AvaCrowder · 29/12/2015 22:33

My niece calls her stepmum mum, because she was getting taunted at school for having a dead mum. My nephew calls his stepmum by her name, but understands mum or mummy to mean their stepmum.

You sound lovely, my dns is too and good on you all.

Stepparentbashersfuckoff · 21/01/2016 00:20

I can totally relate - although my DSC biological mother has cut off all
Contact and I don't have to
Worry about her turning up at my home. Because she has some fucked up idea because the kid hasn't turned against my DH and now lives under our roof that it is some massive betrayal and she can't and won't be a 'weekend mother'
If anyone ever tries to tell you that the biological mother is still and always will be your DSS mum tell them to fuck off and ignore them. This phrase says it all but is opposite for you and I
'Any man can father a child but it takes a real man to be a daddy'
It works both ways. My DH ex has always been under the notion that because SHE was pregnant and gave birth that she had a God given right to dictate and control my DH, saying the most God awful things to her children in her quest to turn them against their father. Truly truly awful
They really should prosecute people for emotionally abusing their children because sometimes emotional damage can be so much more harmful and longer lasting than physical abuse

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