Not cut out for step-parenting or have I not given it long enough?

[PaperDollChain]

Please can I have some advice on this situation? It might be quite long but I'll try to be brief.

The background is that I've been with my DP for 18 months. He has one child aged 7 and I have three, a teenager and a 7 and 5 yo. When we met, I was living in my current home, a fairly small 3 bed. DP was living with his parents following his relationship breakdown with his DC's mum. DP and I clicked almost immediately and we each met each other's dc after around 5 months which in hindsight, I'm not sure we didn't rush things.

Initially the dc got on extremely well and so we began to spend all our time with the DCs all of us together. Eventually the novelty wore off and they began fighting a lot. My middle dc began having some emotional difficulties which got worse around this time and she was often violent towards DPs DC. This has improved for the last few months however.

Due to DPs living arrangements he started spending more and more time at my house to the point that he more or less lives with me. He offers to help with bills but I won't let him because I don't want to move into officially living together territory. He would like us to save a deposit to buy in the next couple of years a house that will accommodate all 6 of us and he would also like us to have a child in the next few years. However, I'm confused because at times I would also like this but at others I feel resentful about the situation. He usually brings his DC to my house when he has weekend contact which coincides with when I have my dc so we are all cramped into a house which isn't big enough. I think my DC in particular really struggle having to constantly share their space and stuff and also me I guess. It leads to a lot of arguing between the DC. He will also bring his DC on his ad hoc contact, ie. when I don't have my own DC so this eats into my child free time.

Added to this, mine and DP's parenting styles differ quite a lot. Generally he is much stricter than me and I am laid back for the most part but I would say he's quite slack in some areas, spoiling his DC with junk food, sweets and toys is the main one. The other area of contention for me is that DP is a bit of a show off generally (I prefer modesty quite honestly) but is a massive show off when it comes to his DC. You would think the child is a genius going by DPs account. Sometimes I feel he lives vicariously through his 7 yo, viewing his achievements as an extension of his own greatness as a person and a parent. In contrast, I'm very proud of my DC but I generally keep that pride to myself and do not like gushing about them to other people.

The other area where we differ is discipline. DP will happily tell my DC off if they're not behaving whereas I really struggle to discipline other people's DC (not just DSC but my friends' DC too) so if I am left with all the DC on my own, I find it incredibly stressful and feel torn between treating DSC as a guest and not wanting to treat my DC as if they are the problem all the time (and they're not - it's often 6 of one, half a dozen of the other but I will tell mine off because I feel uncomfortable disciplining someone else's DC, even a simple no).

The whole situation has led to me quietly detaching from his DC. Initially we got on very well but I just don't like how things are when he's here. He's a nice kid for sure, impeccably well behaved for DP but has obviously picked up on my reluctance to discipline and takes full advantage (not blaming him, kids do this and I know it's normal). DP is a little blinded to his DC's less than best behaviour, partly because he just doesn't see it.

One example of a frequent source of contention is the TV. DP has a gaming console at my house. His DC is computer mad and it's literally the only thing he ever wants to do at my house. My DC are used to being able to play with their toys and watch TV in the living room. More often than not, DP will put the computer on for his DC and mine will play with their toys. But the living room is tiny and my DC will get in the way of the TV. His DC will then constantly tell mine off in a very whiney voice and it gets on my nerves. Even when the computer isn't on, his DC brings his DM's iPad (which is a source of arguments for the DC as I don't have one) but still complains when my DC are in the way of the TV - he essentially wants to play on the iPad AND watch TV. DSC very frequently takes on the role of discipliner over my DC which they naturally don't like. This is only when DP isn't there. This is just one example but it's this kind of thing that makes me not want to spend time with or be alone with all the DC. I feel a bit awkward 'grassing' on DSC to DP so I rarely say anything to DP about this. On the rare occasions I've voiced my annoyance with this to DP, he has kind of sided with DSC saying, well they shouldn't be in front of the TV. As he was a step child himself (and he didn't get on with his step brother) I think he's more sympathetic to his DC's position. I've tried to explain that it's probably very difficult for my DC to have to share their space constantly and pointed out that his DC would probably similarly struggle if the situation was reversed. DP doesn't agree though because apparently he has friends over all the time and happily shares his stuff . I don't think that's comparable at all and as his DC is an only child, he gets more opportunities to enjoy his own space at his main home.

I know that if you just look at the bad stuff I've talked about, the obvious answer is to get out of this relationship but that doesn't account for the fact that DP and I are extremely well suited. Overall DP is an incredible partner and treats me very well (something I've never had before having only been in abusive relationships). I know he loves me totally. He's also pretty good with my DC aside from some niggles I have that relate to differences in approach to parenting.

So what, if anything can I do about this? Do I just need to give it more time for everyone to gel? Or is this unlikely to improve in others experience? I know one solution would be for us to get a bigger house so we all had more room and space to ourselves (the DC mainly) but this won't be possible for over a year and I'm worried that if I commit to a house purchase, I'll be stuck if things don't work out. I also know I need to be more honest with DP about how I feel re the DC but I just can't bring myself to do it, despite us having a very honest relationship overall. The other thing is how do I bond with DP's DC in the current situation? I'm withdrawing more and more and I'm starting to feel resentful every time DP starts gushing about his amazing DC! Sorry this was so long but I don't know which elements are the driving force behind my feelings so have included a lot of info. Any advice would be very welcome and most appreciated. TIA .

I've just read this whole thread too, and there are SO MANY red flags, it left me wondering what the hell you and your DC are actually getting out of the situation?!

Tbh OP, my first instinct is to warn you to get out of this set up ASAP! I know you feel that after being with so many losers, this guy is too good to lose, but from everything you've written, it would appear that life is good....just as long as it's done his way! How will this make you feel 5 years down the line?

Your DC are unhappy, and although I wouldn't normally advocate allowing kids to influence important decisions, in this case I think things will get worse as they get older! You are not really happy because you know you are continually saying yes, when you want to say no, and putting up with situations/decisions you don't want or like! If the things you're unhappy about are not addressed and resolved, the resentment and disharmony will become overwhelming and lead to a miserable existence, where everyone is locked into an unhappy future.

Definitely, don't even think about buying a house or having more children. Set up some space for yourself and your DC, because it sounds very much like this is what you really want to do. If he gets upset or defensive about this and manages to persuade you out of it....then I think you'll have set the pattern for life, and it won't be pleasant! Please, please try to do harden yourself to make the right decisions for you and your DC. Good luck!

Hi I've not read all the responses just your posts and one thing jumps out clearly. This is not a good relationship because you are missing a fundamental requirement - the ability for you to openly and honestly be able to communicate with him. Even if all the other stuff is nice and convenient it doesn't make up for the fact you can't tell him your true feelings e.g. that no you don't want them to come round.
I think you are trying to rationalise too much - all these other things will make up for the poor communication when they won't - over time it will get worse and worse, you will be on eggshells and he will have railroaded you into something that's not making you happy.
Yes a good relationship will need work but that work can only be successful if you have the fundamentals - communication, respect and love. You guys may have the love, I'm not convinced he respects you as much as you respect him and I don't think you have any 'true' communication.
I think in your position it's too much to try and build these foundations if they are not there. You have 3 children - it's different to if you were both childless. And as for having more babies - crazy...
Sorry I know it's not what you want to hear - i think you are trying to think out and rationalise something that will resolve the problem - when the answer is probably to cool things down. What would you tell a friend to do - make do with second best?

Due to DPs living arrangements he started spending more and more time at my house to the point that he more or less lives with me. He offers to help with bills but I won't let him because I don't want to move into officially living together territory.
I think this is the core of the problem. You are both accepting that he is living there with you, but at the same time resent him and his children for treating the place like theirs. I think it is unfair on them. He needs a place where he feels at home and so do his children when they come.

I moved to my OH's house with my children and it took almost two years for me to feel like it was my home too because my OH was so protective of 'his' home although of course he said it was our family house. Emotionally, it took him some time to let go of the control he used to have over the place. It was a two way streets in many efforts, but we finally got there.

I think it was a big error to suggest they moved with you. It was too early and too rushed. It would have been better to spend more time working on your relationship, how you communicate, compromise, deal with conflict etc... and only move in when you were in a position to get a larger new place and agree rules in advance.

Hi,
I have only read your OP and skimmed the rest of the thread so apologies if I have missed anything.

When me and DH were at the stage you are at we tended to split our weekends so we had some time just with our own children and then would get together to do something specific e.g. go for a walk, play some games together, go swimming etc. and then have tea together and as time went on they would sometimes stay over. This gave the children chance to get used to being together but we always tried to make it a positive thing for them.

We moved in together after being together 2 years - it is technically 'my' house so took a while to get used to sharing my space but we have worked it through.

It sounds like you are not ready for this and he is forcing issues because he is fed up of living with family?

Hi everyone, I'm coming back to this thread with an update after yet another difficult weekend.

Things have been up and down until now. DD is going through another difficult patch, probably brought on by her DF meeting yet another new gf and rushing the introductions. Not an awful lot I can do about him though as he doesn't listen and its me who bears the brunt of the fallout. She does start counselling next month though so hoping that will help.

DP still hasn't found somewhere suitable to live so is staying with me and still bringing DSS with him. There were a few weekends where our respective contact was staggered so DSS spent a couple of weekends with just me and DP. DP raised concerns that I do not seem to want to spend time with DSS which is partially true as I find it all so awkward. I did get a little defensive.

My health has taken a turn for the worse and work is very stressful atm so it's not helping.

This weekend, we took the kids out and I felt myself wishing I could be on my own with my DC. We don't do very much without DP and DSS and I find the arguments and trying to constantly be 'fair' exhausting.

I also pointed out to DP that if there are any arguments at all, he jumps straight to telling my DC that they are lying, often before they've even finished speaking and before he's heard both sides of the story. He got quite defensive and said its because he categorically knows that his DS wouldn't do the things my DC accuse him of. This isn't true as I have been witness to some of his less desirable behaviour. Anyway, the next day, there was another squabble with DD and DSS and DP straight away said she was lying but caught himself and heard her out. Turns out they were both being aggressive/physical but my DD was the first one to lash out. Neither of us saw the preceding argument so not sure who was at 'fault' there. I was quietly pleased that DP had an opportunity to see that DSS is sometimes a perpetrator too.

Anyway, we had an ok day and then DP took DSS home. When he got back, he was really angry and said that DSS was in tears because he's 'sick of' DD hitting him and I need to be harsher on her. I was in no mood to have this argument as I was so tired/ill.

I'm just so fed up of the whole thing and I'm seriously questioning if I want to do this anymore. I ended up snapping that we shouldn't spend our contact weekends together at all which upset DP understandably.

I'm not sure why I'm posting or even if anyone can help. I love DP every much, our relationship is really good but I just don't know how to improve things with the DC especially as DP is so blind to DSS's wrongdoing.

Oh dear, things don't appear to have got much better! I really feel for you because you seem to care very much for your DP, but it's not really working with the DC, and it sounds as if you're emotionally and physically worn out with it!

To be honest, the only answer I can see is, you both redouble your efforts to find somewhere he can call his own, for himself and his DC when they visit! If that works out you could work on all the other aspects and take time over it!

It's clear this isn't working the way it is at the minute and it sounds like your DP is being very selfish.

Of course if you haven't got your DCs and he has his DS he should be spending time with him and letting you rest.

To be honest I feel very sorry for his DSS, it's clear that his DF doesn't want to be alone with him I do wonder why.

I agree with wdigin , the only way I can see this improving is by him getting his own place, at the minute the only person who seems to be benefiting from the living arrangements is your DP who hopefully is taking the opportunity to save up the deposit for somewhere but I wouldn't be holding my breath on that one.

Oh and your instincts about not spending contact weekends together is spot on. It's not fair on any of the DCs atm to be forced to spend their free time with people they clearly don't get on with.

Sorry Op but unless you take definitive action - give him a deadline to find somewhere, have at least one contact weekend a month separate - this situation is going to limp on ad infinitum. There is a real chance that you will split up as a result, and I suspect that's why you've not pushed for these things, but you owe it to yourself and your DCs to prioritise them and your health.

I would without question tell him to spend his contact weekends elsewhere. If he hasn't found anywhere to go that is his problem. He sounds so unfair to your dc and the whole living situation sounds too cramped to facilitate this.

I'm so sorry you are in this position, OP.

I'm sure I am repeating some things but the problems I see are:

He moved in with you by default, not as a conscious decision taken by both of you.

To try to maintain some control you have refused to accept any financial contribution from him so, in fact, you are keeping him. And considering that you are a sick single mother of three children, that does not look at all good. How come he hasn't been able to find anywhere to live yet?

You have difficulty expressly negative feelings which is exaberated by your dp's over-reaction to any negativity.

You can't find it in you to correct any child that is not your own, even though this child is often in your house.

And what really disgusts me is that he would accuse your children of lying, just because they say something different to his child.

to you, lovely. My first question is – in all of this – what time do you have to yourself, for you, these days? You have 3 DC 50% of the week, DP and DSC when he is there, a job, and a health condition, and you are under stress – what time do you have to yourself to just be yourself? And what do you do with that time? That is actually the most important question, because if you are not okay, your DC will not be (forget DP and DSC for the moment). You are your top priority, and your DC are your main responsibility. No ifs, no buts.

Focusing on you, here is what you say, edited.

I don't want to move into officially living together territory. … at times I feel resentful about the situation
I really struggle to discipline other people's DC (not just DSC but my friends' DC too) so if I am left with all the DC on my own, I find it incredibly stressful … This is just one example but it's this kind of thing that makes me not want to spend time with or be alone with all the DC
I'm worried that if I commit to a house purchase, I'll be stuck if things don't work out. I also know I need to be more honest with DP about how I feel re the DC but I just can't bring myself to do it … I'm renting from a family member currently so my tenancy is secure
I'm withdrawing more and more and I'm starting to feel resentful

then, having said all this, you blame yourself for being negative, whereas actually, this is your inner voice and instinct you should be listening to - negative emotions and feelings are not bad, they are there to alert us to something being wrong.

I'm also a natural people pleaser and don't want anyone to feel that my home is not also theirs and that they must stick to MY rules - but it is about healthy boundaries; you don’t have any, and rather than respecting your space and generosity of spirit, and protecting your health, he is trampling all over this. This really isn’t your fault or a criticism, but if you can’t enforce some boundaries in your own home, where are you going to find peace?

Focusing on your DP, this is what you say about him, edited:

Due to DPs living arrangements he started spending more and more time at my house to the point that he more or less lives with me - his circumstances, not your choice

He would like us to save a deposit to buy in the next couple of years a house that will accommodate all 6 of us and he would also like us to have a child in the next few years - his wishes

He will also bring his DC on his ad hoc contact, ie. when I don't have my own DC so this eats into my child free time - see my opening comment

DP is a bit of a show off generally (I prefer modesty quite honestly) but is a massive show off when it comes to his DC. You would think the child is a genius going by DPs account. Sometimes I feel he lives vicariously through his 7 yo, viewing his achievements as an extension of his own greatness as a person and a parent - classic narcissistic trait

DP will happily tell my DC off if they're not behaving - and, it would seem, allocate blame to them when his DC has been winding up/needling to get a reaction?

When we're alone, we get on incredibly well - that is because he has all your attention, you have no boundaries and no doubt, time is organized as he wishes?

I find it very tough to be upfront about my feeling on this issue. That's in large because it will necessitate some form of criticism of both DP and his DC which I know he doesn't take well at the best of times. He's often paranoid that I don't want to be with him anymore and so gets quite upset if I admit I'm anything less than perfectly happy with everything - emotional manipulation? He is silencing your opinion by bringing discussion straight to the wire (stay or split, when all your want is a discussion, this shuts down discussion because it deflects you feeling you need to reassure him about your relationship - which is not the topic).

DP believes wholeheartedly that loves conquers all. That just because we love each other, all this stuff can be resolved or worked on - another silencing technique, because if you criticize or raise concerns, he has again brought it back to ‘you don’t love me!’ or else he is asking you to suspend your reality and buy into his sandcastles in the air, selling your DC, and your health and well-being, down the river along the way.

DP just loves being in a relationship and whilst he is more domesticated than me and would manage his own house very well, he wants the security of a 'family' - you mean, he loves being in a relationship which does not challenge his sense of self? Or encompass compromise? Or actual real-life family life, with all its complexities?

And finally:
He is convinced that I am 'the one' and fairly early on we talked about marriage and children. DP was honest from the get go and made it clear that he was looking for someone to have children with. Ideally he'd like two, I have agreed I would have one in a few years. When we met, I wasn't looking for anything in particular. I had been dating for a little while but was more or less happy on my own. I honestly wasn't expecting to meet someone I'd want a long term future with

I am going to repeat this last sentence: I honestly wasn't expecting to meet someone I'd want a long term future with - this is the thing, you don’t want a long-term future with this man; he wants one with you. You are tying yourself in knots trying to accommodate his wishes, because you are, by your own admission, a people pleaser, and massively ignoring your inner voice. But listen to yourself, and I only got as far as the first page here, in your heart, you want your own life and your own space back, it seems to me. And the more you realize that, the harder it is getting for you to rationalize his behavior (which is what you spend a whole lot of time doing).

Again, only the first page. Emotional abuse comes in many shapes and forms. This here is sugar-coated, but it is highly emotionally manipulative. The DC are just the pawns in it. He’s got you being bad cop to your own DC, rather than championing them, when they don’t deserve it. There is no advice in my response; you know the answer in your own heart; you just need the courage to trust yourself and your own judgement, and then act on it.

When he got back, he was really angry and said that DSS was in tears because he's 'sick of' DD hitting him and I need to be harsher on her. I was in no mood to have this argument as I was so tired/ill

And, jumping to your last update, this here is more obviously emotional abuse. You have actually restored some balance with the DC, and he is trying to re-assert his control through anger and scape goat your DD, and also asking you to be unjust to your own DD (to avoid his anger?). And he is doing this at the end of the day, when you are tired and ill, which cannot be news to him.

Brilliant posts Romi.

I've just read the whole thread and this man is not the great guy you think he is. I actually think he's got a bloody cheek railroading you and your DC's into accommodating his terms in your own home. As an adult and parent, the very least he should do is have his own accommodation. That's a massive red flag right there.

Sound like your DD really needs some time with just you. You've said her dad is EA and doesnt put her needs first, now she's in a repeated scenario in your own home. What does this teach her about men and relationships?

Given you have your DC's 50% of the time, there's no way I would be spending that time as a blended family and it's completely unreasonable that he expects you to.

The fact you can't have a reasonable conversation about any of this without him manipulating you, means your relationship has no solid foundations. Instead it relies on you accommodating his needs, and if not, he just bullies you to get his own way.

he sounds extremely co-dependent emotionally, OP.

I agree that he should get his own place as soon as possible.

You sound suffocated by the situation. He does seem to be controlling things.

I would take a step back as it sounds like it's all moving too fast and also negatively impacting on your children.

You sound like a kind, caring person but make sure you don't get taken advantage of. I agree with other posters that there are quite a few red flags.
Good luck and go with your instinct.