Not cut out for step-parenting or have I not given it long enough?

[PaperDollChain]

Please can I have some advice on this situation? It might be quite long but I'll try to be brief.

The background is that I've been with my DP for 18 months. He has one child aged 7 and I have three, a teenager and a 7 and 5 yo. When we met, I was living in my current home, a fairly small 3 bed. DP was living with his parents following his relationship breakdown with his DC's mum. DP and I clicked almost immediately and we each met each other's dc after around 5 months which in hindsight, I'm not sure we didn't rush things.

Initially the dc got on extremely well and so we began to spend all our time with the DCs all of us together. Eventually the novelty wore off and they began fighting a lot. My middle dc began having some emotional difficulties which got worse around this time and she was often violent towards DPs DC. This has improved for the last few months however.

Due to DPs living arrangements he started spending more and more time at my house to the point that he more or less lives with me. He offers to help with bills but I won't let him because I don't want to move into officially living together territory. He would like us to save a deposit to buy in the next couple of years a house that will accommodate all 6 of us and he would also like us to have a child in the next few years. However, I'm confused because at times I would also like this but at others I feel resentful about the situation. He usually brings his DC to my house when he has weekend contact which coincides with when I have my dc so we are all cramped into a house which isn't big enough. I think my DC in particular really struggle having to constantly share their space and stuff and also me I guess. It leads to a lot of arguing between the DC. He will also bring his DC on his ad hoc contact, ie. when I don't have my own DC so this eats into my child free time.

Added to this, mine and DP's parenting styles differ quite a lot. Generally he is much stricter than me and I am laid back for the most part but I would say he's quite slack in some areas, spoiling his DC with junk food, sweets and toys is the main one. The other area of contention for me is that DP is a bit of a show off generally (I prefer modesty quite honestly) but is a massive show off when it comes to his DC. You would think the child is a genius going by DPs account. Sometimes I feel he lives vicariously through his 7 yo, viewing his achievements as an extension of his own greatness as a person and a parent. In contrast, I'm very proud of my DC but I generally keep that pride to myself and do not like gushing about them to other people.

The other area where we differ is discipline. DP will happily tell my DC off if they're not behaving whereas I really struggle to discipline other people's DC (not just DSC but my friends' DC too) so if I am left with all the DC on my own, I find it incredibly stressful and feel torn between treating DSC as a guest and not wanting to treat my DC as if they are the problem all the time (and they're not - it's often 6 of one, half a dozen of the other but I will tell mine off because I feel uncomfortable disciplining someone else's DC, even a simple no).

The whole situation has led to me quietly detaching from his DC. Initially we got on very well but I just don't like how things are when he's here. He's a nice kid for sure, impeccably well behaved for DP but has obviously picked up on my reluctance to discipline and takes full advantage (not blaming him, kids do this and I know it's normal). DP is a little blinded to his DC's less than best behaviour, partly because he just doesn't see it.

One example of a frequent source of contention is the TV. DP has a gaming console at my house. His DC is computer mad and it's literally the only thing he ever wants to do at my house. My DC are used to being able to play with their toys and watch TV in the living room. More often than not, DP will put the computer on for his DC and mine will play with their toys. But the living room is tiny and my DC will get in the way of the TV. His DC will then constantly tell mine off in a very whiney voice and it gets on my nerves. Even when the computer isn't on, his DC brings his DM's iPad (which is a source of arguments for the DC as I don't have one) but still complains when my DC are in the way of the TV - he essentially wants to play on the iPad AND watch TV. DSC very frequently takes on the role of discipliner over my DC which they naturally don't like. This is only when DP isn't there. This is just one example but it's this kind of thing that makes me not want to spend time with or be alone with all the DC. I feel a bit awkward 'grassing' on DSC to DP so I rarely say anything to DP about this. On the rare occasions I've voiced my annoyance with this to DP, he has kind of sided with DSC saying, well they shouldn't be in front of the TV. As he was a step child himself (and he didn't get on with his step brother) I think he's more sympathetic to his DC's position. I've tried to explain that it's probably very difficult for my DC to have to share their space constantly and pointed out that his DC would probably similarly struggle if the situation was reversed. DP doesn't agree though because apparently he has friends over all the time and happily shares his stuff . I don't think that's comparable at all and as his DC is an only child, he gets more opportunities to enjoy his own space at his main home.

I know that if you just look at the bad stuff I've talked about, the obvious answer is to get out of this relationship but that doesn't account for the fact that DP and I are extremely well suited. Overall DP is an incredible partner and treats me very well (something I've never had before having only been in abusive relationships). I know he loves me totally. He's also pretty good with my DC aside from some niggles I have that relate to differences in approach to parenting.

So what, if anything can I do about this? Do I just need to give it more time for everyone to gel? Or is this unlikely to improve in others experience? I know one solution would be for us to get a bigger house so we all had more room and space to ourselves (the DC mainly) but this won't be possible for over a year and I'm worried that if I commit to a house purchase, I'll be stuck if things don't work out. I also know I need to be more honest with DP about how I feel re the DC but I just can't bring myself to do it, despite us having a very honest relationship overall. The other thing is how do I bond with DP's DC in the current situation? I'm withdrawing more and more and I'm starting to feel resentful every time DP starts gushing about his amazing DC! Sorry this was so long but I don't know which elements are the driving force behind my feelings so have included a lot of info. Any advice would be very welcome and most appreciated. TIA .

X-posts there! You make some really valid points Meridian.

In the past when he's not been able to stay at mine or his DParents, he has either stayed at his ex's (she was on holiday) or just taken dc out and returned him home at night. I know I've posted so much already but his ex also presents somewhat of a problem. She was over involved initially, wanting to scope my house out etc, and has gone the opposite way, now de banding he have his DC at mine regardless of the circumstances. DP very often does whatever it takes to appease her, at times to my detriment.

We do spend an awful lot of time without any dc. My ex and I have an almost 50:50 shared care arrangement. We spend apst every day of the week together. I work from home and DP had a couple of months off work with stress and spent everyday at my house so we were together an awful lot the top. Despite this, we get on incredibly well. We have never argued and share a very similar sense of humour. The only times he annoys me is when he's being a show off or gushing about his DC and their endless and extraordinary talents and intelligence . It was actually his DC who whines at mine, not DP.

You are right though, however well we get on, I do value having time on my own and my own space. DP is much happier having company all the time - mine or his other friends or family. I think this also feeds into my reluctance to give up my independence. Currently I can tell him not to come over (not that I ever do) but you can't do that when you live together.

Interestingly Bertie, I'd say I was more practical and he more emotional. The home owning thing comes from his own father. He was in and out of DP's life as a child and I know DP doesnt have much respect for him as a man apart from his property portfolio. The fact that his DF is a property owner is the only thing he can identify as a success and so he wants that for himself to also feel successful (bit of armchair psychology there). I can empathise with that and want to help him acheivement his ambition.

As a side question, how have other bonded with their DSC? Is it something that came naturally or did you have to work at it? I sometimes try and do activities that he likes, the computer for example, but I was crap and he got upset that i'd damaged his high score or something. He doesn't particularly enjoy doing the activities Im good at like crafts.

You say you have never argued but I'd suspect an element of that is because as a people pleaser you avoid conflict. If you allowed yourself to be honest with your DP about your feelings/detaching from his DS how do you think he'd react? Are you scared of breaking the bubble of never having argued? Or if you're not scared, what is holding you back from having an open and honest conversation with him?

As for bonding with DSCs yes you do have to work at it, but you also need to know when to step back and allow them processing time. It's a misconception amongst some though that if your DSC(s) don't like you then you must be doing something wrong. I get on very well with 3 out of 4 of my DSC even though I treat them all in an equally friendly/fair way. I used to be close to the 4th but she's pulled away as she's grown older - there really is nothing I could have done to influence that.

It sounds like your taking alot of preasure his child him bringing him to your home for access when space is limited him basically staying there. He wants mortage a wedding and a child but OP what do you want honestly? It all seems to be on his terms and theres nothing i can see which benefits you and your dc only him. What do you get from your relationship? What input do your DC get from having him them? Im failing to see the positives here. I feel like you almost seemed backed into a corner abit.

I'm a step parent and totally hear you re the different styles I do think that changing things practically would help too though. For example could you have a tv in your bedroom/spare room that dsc could play computer games on? or set a timer for the tele in terms of who chooses what when etc. I know when we are all together everyone having their own space makes a huge amount of difference so people have rooms to retreat too if needs be. As its your house it does seem that for now dsc should fit in with your schedule I would struggle if I felt my kids had been disrupted when they were just doing what they are used too. I also hear you on the free time thing then your dp brings his child round. I feel we have a fairly even split of this ie sometimes its us and his children sometimes its us and mine sometimes its all of us and sometimes we have time on our own so I have learnt to accept this as part of supporting dp but we are maybe further on than you guys it doesnt sound like you've quite comitted entirely to the blended family thing. Maybe some practical changes would help you see it could work long term in a bigger house?

Or if you're not scared, what is holding you back from having an open and honest conversation with him?

Really good question - I think if I was brutally honest with him or showed him this thread, he be very hurt, upset and incredibly defensive. When I say we have never argued, we have had disagreements but we will come to a compromise or one or the other apologises immediately. this is probably different in that it will mean critisize him and to an extent his DC. He is extremely sensitive to criticism and let's face it, nobody wants to hear any negative against their dc.

What do I get from the relationship? His company and support mainly. For all the difficulties with the DC, DP is incredibly supportive. We have a lot of fun together and I enjoy being with him.

What input do the DC get from him? I've probably not made it clear from my posts but he is actually very good with my dc, particularly when his own DC is not with us. He usually plays with them. And he dies try to make things equal between all the DC in some respects (not in others - hard to explain). He's also become quite close to my eldest DS.

What do I want? Very good question. I want, totally unreasonably of course, to have my cake and eat it. I want DP to be here when I want him here abd not when I don't. Of course I know that is totally selfish and don't expect that. In an ideal world, I would like DP to be more realistic about his DC and give up the gushing. I'd also like him to stop spoiling his DC out of what I suspect is guilt and an attempt to make up for the fact that he isn't with his DC full time. I am somewhat sympathetic about his likely motivations but I am over the fact that I have to 'share' my DC with my ex and don't attempt to make up for it by buying them sweets. If I ever get anything for my DC then DP has to reciprocate for his DC. In my mind that's not necessary since his DC's mum similarly spoils him. He is always turning up in brand new clothes with new toys so both parents are at it. In an attempt by DP to make things 'fairer' he's actually creating more disparity. This grates when I'm paying for DP to live here.

Thanks for your perspective wow. In my situation, we usually have all the DC or none at all. There's very little time when it's just me, DP and DSC. There's obviously more time when its me, DP and my DC because he's staying in their main home. But it's only for an hour before bed and we don't do anything. On the contrary, DP expects me to go on outings with him and DSC when I don't have my own and I admit I've been reluctant. I'm trying to think why that is. I do think it's because I just can't bear to listen to DP gushing anymore and spoiling his DC unnecessarily. So I'd just not rather go. Maybe I should make more effort?

I've been reading a bit on this board and realising just how difficult other people find step-parenting. It is making me question whether it's worth it.

I've also been giving a lot of thought to what it is that makes me feel like this. As I said, DP does treat them fairly for the most part, eg. he will buy them all sweets, make them take turns etc. but where the disparity lies is in his belief that his DC doesn't misbehave.

DP really doesn't like 'take telling' but I encourage my DC to tell takes instead of resorting to violence. Kind of important when you have more than one child and they fight a lot. I guess he doesn't understand having only one DC. Anyway, quite often my DC will tell tales on his dc - usually he has hit one of mine or been winding them up. DP will ask for both sides of the story. My DC will say their side first. His DC will burst into tears and proclaim his innocence making it all out to be either his retaliation or a something blown out of proportion. My DP believes his DC EVERY TIME without fail. DP says that DSC woukdnt cry if he was lying. I find these exchanges incredibly hard to listen to because if I wasn't there, I couldn't possibly say so was lying and also because I know DSC is capable of the things my DC accuse him of since I see it with my own eyes. DP just doesn't see it or won't acknowledge it. I find it hard to point that out though. It's also difficukt because it's lind of just accepted as a base truth that his DC is well behaved and mine aren't. I'll be the first to admit mine are no Angels and on the surface it would appear that DSC is impeccably behaved but as I've said before, his behaviour is more insidious and underhand so less noticeable.

Just thought of something else - I think DP has unnaturally high expectations of what my DC are capable of. I can almost feel his annoyance with my DC's difficulty in sgaring. I know he is only trying to secure the best circumstances for his DC and that it probably isn't a bed of roses for his DC having to stay in someone else's house, but it seems there is no empathy from DP about how hard it is on my DC having to constantly share their space. As his DC is Practically Perfect In Every Way () he doesn't suffer with such ghastly emotions as jealousy . It's almost as if DP just can't acknowledge that all DC are different and just because one might suffer with less desirable emotions, it doesn't make them lesser than any other kid. But again, this is related to DP's blind belief that his DC is extra specially amazing and whilst no other kid could possibly compare, they should at least try to. I feel like I'm being unkind now. He doesn't say these things but reading between the lines of what he does say, I really think this is his basic belief.

If you struggle to cope with the kids you have now, why would you even think about another baby?

It actually sounds a pretty awful situation for your kids - dsc hits them, they ask for help, dsc says he didn't and cries, your partner believes his child (and tells them off for lying?), you do nothing or tell them all off.

I agree with Mumof, above. There is SO much to deal with here before you even consider buying a house or having a baby. The whole thing sounds like it's already on the brink of unhappiness.

Why does he bother asking for both sides of the story from the children if he always just sides with his son at the end? Have you challenged him about this?

Generally, from what you say. I don't like the sound of the way he is with your children. He is putting them under unnecessary pressure. This is not something that is likely to change or improve as your relationship continues.

Agree with others that maybe you need to step back abit rather than push things forward.
Seems like there are lots of little resentments already that will just get worse if you can't talk about them.
Do what's right for you and your dcs first.
Don't let your boundaries be pushed.
Lots of red flags where boundaries are concerned, the TV in your dcs room, not his remit at all to even suggest it, so your dcs can go to their room to watch what they want but his ds gets to dictate the TV in the main room whilst playing on an iPad? Does his ds share the iPad? Sounds like your dcs are expected to share everything but he isn't. If he won't share it he shouldn't bring it. X box would be gone from my house.
He wants a baby and a house but do you? 5 kids between you? When you are not well? Has he really got yours and your kids best interests at heart here or is it just about what he wants? You have a secure tenancy which you would be mad to give up with things as they stand now.
Massive massive red flag regarding his exs boundary and control issues, you will see these problems come up time and again on this board. She wants her ds to stay at yours on contact weekends and you just have to accept that? That would piss me right off to be honest. You say dp puts her first for a quiet life, that is a pattern at very likely won't change.
The fact you feel like you're supporting him financially is a recipe for resentment. Especially as it means his ds gets spoilt and yours probably have less because he's costing you. Have you talked about how finances will work if you move in together? If you have a baby?
Sorry that was quite long with lots of questions not necessarily to answer here but just to think about.

I can totally understand your reluctance to spend time with them both if the dynamic between the two of them is so difficult to stomach. I think what has saved us is that even though the dsc can be rude and spoilt at times all the time we are both on the same page about it. If he didn't see it or said 'oh theyre ok leave them ' etc I would want to stave his face in with a spade (manners are sooooo important to me in children).
It feels awful to say LTB when you are clearly happy with him in other ways but unfortunately I have to agree with pp that it doesn't bode well for a harmonious future.
It is incredibly hard work being a step mum IME and only worth it because dp and I are pushing in the same direction if that makes sense?

I would definitely think about what u want in your future. If you genuinely want to be with someone, people do generally want to move in with each other and have children together. If this is the situation u don't think u can handle then have a think. Your taking one kid on..He's taking on 3.

I also suffer from an illness (incurable) that leaves me extremely tired and sometimes like I can't cope

OP, why are you even considering having another baby?

Everything sounds so difficult already. Your own dc are having trouble coping with the set-up. Your dp is already beginning to annoy you with his tendency to show off, when you prefer modesty - and this after only 18 months. Imagine how that will grate as time goes on?

Please try to give yourself time to think about it all - hard to do when he and/or his dc are almost always there. It all sounds very convenient for him.

If your relationships haven't been great up till now, you will possibly be thinking this guy is a paragon just because he isn't abusive.

Take care of yourself and your dc while you decide about the future you want - and get your dp to show some independence in the meantime. If he truly loves you and has your best interests at heart, he'll move out, get on with his life and wait for you.

Please don't be pressured into buying a house, or having a baby, just because that's what he wants

Oh God. He's moved himself in, you have chronic fatigue, you're subsidising him, and he wants you to be pregnant / tied to a baby with him, and also to take on a joint mortgage?

Sod that.

Sorry, forgot the practical advice bit - tell him he needs to get his own flat, and slow it all down / have a rethink.

What a coincidence that this thread has recently been bumped as I was considering posting today.

I've read my thread back and realised how difficult it is to sum up what is going on in words alone. Many of our problems are my own fault for not being more forthright. I pretty much agree to everything DP asks for - and he will ask usually - but I have a very hard time saying 'no' which is what I actually want to say.

So an example. He is having his DS today, my dc are with their dad. He asked if it would be ok to stay over with his dc. I really don't want him to but I'm but sure why. I don't want to seem like a bitch for saying no so I said yes. But I'm dreading them turning up. Am I mean for not wanting them here? DP has few choices. His mum has been hinting that she wants him and his stuff out. There's no where else for him to stay with his dc. His ex is away but she doesn't like him staying at hers and he obviously can't drop his DS off tonight.

I've felt really down over Christmas. I don't think its solely related to the situation with DP but it's a contributing factor. I've found myself having thoughts of wanting to break up but I feel guilty for that. He loves me so much and tries really hard to be a good partner.

I actually had the guts to raise some of the issues with him recently. I didn't tell him any thing near the full truth, just said some things about how difficult I find it when all the dc are together and that 'blended' families are much harder than I expected. As I predicted, he got hugely upset about this. Was concerned it meant I wanted to break up, would I prefer to be with someone without dc (not true and implied like I was being horrible if I was thinking this way). He was so upset, he was thinking about leaving that night for some space but decided against it. Told me he wants me to be honest when I am not happy but I can't when he reacts like that. I don't want to hurt him. And I suppose a big issue for me is that I have no idea if I'm being reasonable in the things I want. I don't want to be selfish.

I just don't know if I can carry on like this but then I don't want to hurt him. I'm also worried that I won't find another man like him. So many of my friends are with complete dicks, I've only ever been with dicks, I feel like I'd be crazy to give him up.

I don't know what to do .

Honestly? Rip that plaster off and finish with him, for nothing else that you are unable to express how you are truly feeling without worrying about some over reacting from him.

To continue to bottle your feelings up inside will not only make you stressed but will eventually affect your health. You are allowed to have feelings.

It is my own opinion that he is playing things very well to his own advantage. You tried to tell him how you felt and he managed to successfully shut the conversation down by first over reacting, then threatening to leave. That's not what adults do. What would happen if you asked for a 2 week break from each other for health reasons? Would he gladly leave you, but occasionally checking you were ok/needed anything? Or make it all about him, how it's made him feel to make you feel guilty? I suspect the latter.

From the outside this doesn't seem like a balanced relationship at all.Sure he helps you and is supportive but look at his actions when its really important to you.In those cases he is NOT supportive.

It's a worry that you are his only option, be careful that you are not rescuing him as it will only lead to your unhappiness.

18months is no time at all and the cracks are showing however you are not feeling able to resolve the issues as you get 'blamed' & guilted for being unkind or selfish.

As a single working mum of 3 you deserve to be selfish sometimes.Why not say no about the sleepover tonight? You may see a change in his nice behaviour once you start to assert your needs.And you must assert your needs.

I'm not sure this is a step parent issue but a relationship issue.Your dp needs you to provide for him and I suspect if you don't he won't hang around.I wonder if he is right for you, getting on with someone is important BUT you need also both be heading towards the same future.That future for you is 5 children, step parenting and a mortgage.You mention your dp was off with stress, is he a good bet for financial security?

I think we often see someone personality (how much fun they are etc) but you must have a match in values to work and it doesnt feel like there is much there.

OP I think my mum could have written your exact post 30 years ago. We acquired a step "package" and quite frankly it was detrimental to my childhood for the very reasons you state about your DH. My Mum claimed that my SF was really good with us, picked us up from school, did homework etc (which he did) but he turned into a different person when his DC were with us. We would be blamed for everything, had to give up our space and SF felt the sun shone out of his DC's. My mum did very little to contest/address these issues and kept telling us that "he comes as a package" (I would have been quite happy to get rid of him too)

This type of behaviour meant that I have had issues regarding boundaries/expectations with how I let men treat me. SF treated my mum very well, but this inconsistent behaviour he displayed with us really had an affect. Don't be deluded into thinking that he is setting an example OP; he is treating your DC unfairly in their own home and you are allowing/enabling it. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

I would take a massive step back. To me it is a bit of a red flag that he was talking about marriage/babies from day one?! Do not give up your security and tie yourself into a house purchase. Your child is displaying behavioural problems which needs addressing. Your set up is very convenient for your DP; tell him you need to step back a bit to deal with your children and then see if he is totally in love with you.

I think from your posts you know in your heart that things are moving too fast and you can't see a way out.

Thank you again for the further replies. I can't tell you how much being able to talk about these things with impartial people is helping me understand the issues.

Having this time over Christmas has thrown up more insight into the situation. DP and I were both off work over Christmas so he was at mine a lot. The times when it was all of us without his dc or just me and my dc, it was so much more relaxed and easy and I almost forgot how much I enjoyed being with them. During term time when there's clubs, homework and more housework to do with less time, there's not really the chance for me to enjoy my DCs company and obviously its strained on my weekebds with them as DSC is also here.

DP also had his DS a few times over the holidays (it was our year for xmas with them). It was a little less strained but one particular day was very eye opening. Usually, DSC will behave impeccably in front of DP but for whatever reason, maybe he's starting to feel more comfortable and at home at my place, but he was openly displaying th behaviour that I find difficult to deal with. Literally all day he was making unnecessary and wind-up comments to my dc. Parroting any instructions we issued to my DC and generally acting like he was in a quasi parenting role. As I've mentioned previously, this is nothing new to me but is probably the first time DP has fully witnessed it. At the end of the day, DP told me how disappointed he was with his DS for this behaviour. I used it as an opportunity to point out, nicely as possible, that he often behaves like this when I gave them all. He was a little defensive, tried to say some of it was in response to something my DC had done. Even though this didn't really resolve anything, I still feel like it is progress of sorts. I was also able to say that as I find discipline difficult/impossible, that I don't want to have the dc on my own for the foreseeable.

I did find myself avoiding everybody by making myself busy elsewhere which isn't ideal but is part of my detachment behaviour because I find the whole thing too difficult. I know I am not handling this well. In the beginning, DSC and I bonded quite well, I know he liked me a lot, was very physical with me, stroking my hair, sitting next to me, cuddling me. It was nice. I'm generally not a huggy or very physically demonstrative person, particularly with non-family members. At the time, DP and his family joked that DSC 'fancied' me which made me feel really strange. In any event, DSC has stopped being so affectionate with me and I feel that is probably because he's picked up on my reluctance and withdrawal.

On another note, DP has decided to look for a room in a house share. I have mixed feelings about this and I know DP is reticent and worries that I will break up with him when he's 'out of the way'. I am hoping that him moving will mean we will have better boundaries in place and space to let our relationship find its way without being as rushed.

To answer some of the questions about my health and another baby, my diagnosis was about a year ago and can be managed with medication. It just takes a while to get the dose right, average is about two years before people feel better. So I'm hoping that when the time comes, around 3-5 years, it will be ok. I definitely would not rush having another child and my agreeing to us on the proviso that it is right for everybody when the time comes.

So, that's where I am currently. Still not sure if this is right for all of us, still not sure how/if I can bond with DSC. I'd still welcome any further replies and advice as I am finding this hugely helpful.

Should say I remembered how much I enjoy my DC's company over xmas.

OP surely the main issue should be your children (who appear to have issues with the set up) rather than you bonding with the DSC?

Let him get his house share, and you I think should recalibrate your relationship with your own three children, OP.

I've just read the whole thread in one go.

There seems to be so many negatives about moving forward with the relationship the way your dp wants that I would urge you not to do it.

I think it's great that he has agreed to get a room - he will have his own space to spend time with his ds if you don't want them with you (which btw is entirely reasonable and he should never make you feel guilty for this and please try and find the strength to tell him this sometimes - for the sake of your own dc). It gives you the opportunity to have that relaxed time with your dc that you have experienced over Xmas....remember those days and how happy you felt? You say you sometimes find it strained when you are all together, particularly because of dss behaviour. Already. You are only 18 months in. This will only get worse. When they are teens it is SO much harder.

I met my dh when my dc were only 4 and 1. We have lived as a blended family for 9 years. All was brilliant for the first 7.5. DS is now 14 and we are having big issues. Mainly step parent related. It is really, really hard and we are having to have counselling to help us get through it, and even then, I'm not sure it's going to work out. My point is that it was really easy for us at the beginning and we are still struggling now. You are having problems right at the beginning. That does not bode well.

You are not responsible for you dp's happiness. I can see the turmoil you are in because you have found a good man who treats you well and loves you to bits. You have never had this before. You can't begin to contemplate letting him go because maybe you will never find anyone like him again. But on the other hand, you are not 100% sure of this relationship, your relationship with dss and wonder whether you ever will be. It's a very tricky place to be in and I feel your pain. However, please think about your own dc in all of this.

Their happiness and place in the family, their relationship with you, their feelings and expectations of living together must surely come way, way before your potential guilt wrt leaving your dp. It just must.

And do bear in mind that they are obviously finding the presence of dss difficult. It will have a bearing on the relationship they have with you. They might feel he is taking you away from them and quality time with you. I would therefore seriously re-consider the idea of bringing another baby into this mix. It will impact on them significantly, not necessarily in a positive way. You have 3 already. You have an illness. Don't do it!

If I were you, I would try and continue the relationship because you do clearly love each other, enjoy each others company and have fun. But do it all from a safe distance. DO NOT rush in to anything. And certainly don't buy a house together. You already have so many doubts about the whole step parenting thing that that would be insane! That provides you with all you need for now. If he doesn't like that, then really, tough. That's all you can manage for now, for all the many, many reasons you have talked about throughout this thread. And that is FINE. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

I feelsorry for your kids op. And I feel sorry for you.
Sounds like your "settling" because he's got some good points and not as many bad points as your friends partners/husbands. You need confidence.
The fact that you spent time and enjoyed Xmas with your kids is good but it could be like that more often if you drop the hanger-on or stop allowing him to guilt-trip you into nor sharing ANY negative emotions.