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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I dislike step daughter

34 replies

tsm106 · 15/12/2015 00:22

My step daughter is highly intelligent, arrogant and rude and has brought me to tears, made me feel utterly worthless and knocked my confidence levels for ten years now. She is now 20. I have spoken to her and her dad calmly about it, but it still continues. Her dad seems to be frightened of her, and only speaks to her about her behaviour if I ask him to, otherwise he buries his head in the sand. He says, she is like it with everyone, but It seems to hurt me more than most.
I was bullied as a child, and her behaviour reminds me so much of those bitchy girls at school. So when I confronted her in the past to tell her how her actions hurt me, it was terrible for me to see she still carried on this way.
The last time I saw her, she was full on bitchy, snidey, arrogant mode, and I haven't seen her since. I think , I have now come to the end of my tether with her, and stay away when she visits ( which is once a fortnight ). I am so much happier when I don't have to see her, but feel it's sad that I have no other option.

OP posts:

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HighHeels86 · 15/12/2015 09:02

tsm sorry to hear about this. At the age of 20 does your SD still stay over every other week?! Or does she just come around during the day?

Why don't you ask DP to go out with her instead of having her at the house if she's making you feel like this in your own home?

DP should teach her to respect others!!

MeridianB · 15/12/2015 09:18

OP, that is really sad. Does your DP know about the bullying you experienced and the impact SD's behaviour has on you because of this?

It's utterly inexcusable to say 'she is like that with everyone' as if that makes it OK, and allow it to continue. You were brave enough to talk to her about it face to face in a reasonable way and she ignored you. Your DP is not supporting you at all.

If you have been making an effort for a decade then you are well within your rights to tell DP she is no longer welcome in your home and he needs to make other arrangements.

Look at it this way, she may kick and scream about not being able to stay but things can't get any worse.

Would your DP allow anyone else to talk to you (and him) this way?

Sending you

TheoriginalLEM · 15/12/2015 09:23

she has been doing this for 10 years? since she was 10 then? bitchy and snidey at 10? or just feeling threatened by someone in her father's life who in her eyes he loved more than her (im sure he didn't ) because she lived with him?? maybe goaded by her mother? maybe being a normal teenager (they can be vile).

my advice is to be the bigger person. be nice to her - it will make all the difference.

ivykaty44 · 15/12/2015 09:25

Unfortunately we can't pick our family or their personalities.

Your dh knows his dds behaviour is bad but how can you control someone's personality? Maybe he sees traits of his dds mother that are not pleasant but doesn't want to face it as she may have died or parted but it emphasises his choice in previous wife.

Surround yourself with pleasant people and don't give time to hurtful people

Original poster

tsm106 · 15/12/2015 10:56

Thanks to you all for your positive and kind words. In an ideal world, I have tried all the things to try and get on with her. I have spent one to one with her, threw her parties, decorated her bedroom, made her toys when she was younger and still have not made any headway.
So, as much as I appreciate some people thinking I should nice above it and be nice, I feel I have come to the end of the road with her.
I really can't bear to be around her now, as I feel I have to walk on eggshells otherwise face a cutting and snide remark or put down. I am easy going, and enjoy people's company, but I think in life, we all know there are people we will never get on with how ever hard we try.

OP posts:

ricketytickety · 15/12/2015 11:05

Could you possibly have it out with her? Next time she's rude just ask her what the issue is. She might come out with what's been festering in her for 10 years and you can listen to it and then find a way of moving forward. Acknowledge her upset then say you'd like a clean slate.

BarbarianMum · 15/12/2015 12:42

Honestly - either challenge her each and every time (likely to lead to big bust up but may result in a change) or just don't see her. Either your dh meets her away from the house, or she comes just for a couple of hours and you go out.

There is no reason for you to tolerate being bullied or put down in your own home. Now she's 20 you don't have to get on with her or have her in your life at all.

TheoriginalLEM · 15/12/2015 12:59

Am not saying that you haven't been nice, i know being a step parent is hard, my DP struggled wiht my DD. He makes the effort though and has risen above an awful lot of shitty behaviour and problems. If he couldn't do that - he wouldn't be my dp. I couldn't be with someone who couldn't get on with my child. I don't mean that unkindly, just saying that if you officially cut her off, don't expect to necessarily like the choice your partner makes because i would choose my children over a DP every single time.

ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 13:06

I think I would just completely avoid her. Either your husband has to see her out of the house or you have to leave the house when she's there. She will notice the fact you're not there, especially if you're her whipping boy. It would be best if your husband was to say, "No, she's gone out because she doesn't want to see you after the things you said last time" but I doubt that will happen.

The trouble is that if you do just avoid her, you can bet your life she'll want to come for Christmas next year, knowing that'll put you in a really difficult situation. Would your husband back you up then and tell her she's not welcome?

Has he witnessed her bad behaviour or does she do it in private?

BarbarianMum · 15/12/2015 13:09

If you would really just sit back and allow your children to abuse your dp and make him miserable, that's just as well. Personally I'd never turn my back on my dc but if, as adults, they cannot treat my life partner with politeness, then I'd keep them apart.

Tippytappytoes · 15/12/2015 13:14

LEM

But at what point should someone keep rising above someone elses shitty behaviour towards them? Is the OP still expected to do it when her DSD is 30? The OP is entitled to choose not to spend time with someone who does not treat her well, especially as her DP doesn't seem able to stand up for her.

TheoriginalLEM · 15/12/2015 14:45

Absolutely, but she said that it has been going on for 10 years, since the girl was 10. I was simply asking why she thought this might be?

Original poster

tsm106 · 15/12/2015 21:59

The daughter has always been difficult to get on with. I think she has been very spoilt by both parents and grandparents all her life, and no one has ever disciplined her. So she has always felt it ok to talk to people how she wants.
For example, a teacher told her off once and she ran out of the classroom crying, as she is not used to being told off.
She has turned from a difficult child to a even more difficult adult, never had a boyfriend or a best friend. She is very intelligent, so must be fully aware of how her behaviour effects others, but this does not stop her rudeness.

OP posts:

Licketysplit9 · 15/12/2015 22:39

Oh gosh, you could be me! I sympathise, but have no words of advice right now. I'll be watching the thread...

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 16/12/2015 01:20

I'm not sure it's helping you being out of the house every other weekend. Its your home. Why not invite friends around some of those times so she doesn't dominate?

I have had similar, more resentment than bitchiness, but so wearing. I eventually called her out and she doesn't bother to come around very much now, she's also 20. I'd never let my son treat my DP like that. In response to the other poster, how mean of you to let your DC give your DP grief.

mumzuki · 16/12/2015 01:36

If she's never had a close friend or relationship, it's possible that she may have social communication difficulties - perhaps she doesn't understand the impact that her actions have on others, or really that other people have feelings or perspectives that differ from her own. I'm not saying that you should therefore just put up with her rudeness. It might help to be specific each time she is unpleasant about what it is that upsets you. Or it might help you to feel less personally affected by her rudeness, if you can just write it off as her issue to deal with.

Original poster

tsm106 · 17/12/2015 00:59

I have tried everything in my powers to improve the situation, all to no avail.
I am not a bitchy person, and only like to be around pleasant people. I feel ( as am sure many do ) that to be around unpleasant people is not nice. She has been like it constantly for ten years . Last Xmas, my son and his girlfriend were here and her mood and attitude ruined the evening . Like at atmospheric black cloud. You try and rise above it and ignore it, but it effects you all. My partner just ignores it. I am dreading this weekend with her again. I will go to a lot of bother with presents and food. And she will be rude and arrogant once more. Please try to be in my shoes. There is not always a sugar coated solution to everything, trust me.

OP posts:

Original poster

tsm106 · 17/12/2015 01:06

Ps, some people are just not nice or easy to get on with. The pc solution is to spend time getting to the bottom of their issues. However, if their issues are causing you to row with your partner ( 95% of our rows have been caused by her ) and had me in tears more times than I can remember, then rising above it is easier said than done.
I can honestly say, that in ten years, I don't have one good memory of her. Sad I know.

OP posts:

Original poster

tsm106 · 17/12/2015 11:43

Ps I would also like to add, that I totally agree that your children should come first. However, if my son was upsetting my partner on a regular basis and being rude and I just stood back and let it happen. Surely, I am not being a good parent by letting this behaviour continue?
So as much as I agree you should put your children first, there are exceptions to the rule.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 17/12/2015 11:51

I wouldn't give her the time of day. Don't give her any more of your emotional energy. Don't hate her, pity her.

And don't take her put downs. Ask her 'what did you mean by that' standing up to her will be necessary or refuse to be in the house when she is there or just go upstairs!

Don't go to lots of trouble for her next year, she doesn't appreciate it and you get no thanks.

What a madam. Your dp is useless for allowing his child to behave this way towards others.

cinnamontoast · 17/12/2015 21:12

tsm106, that sounds an awful situation to have to cope with. Two things come to mind. First of all, the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent' - which to my mind means that you can refuse to be diminished by what your DSD says, because the problem lies with her, not with you.
Secondly, something I read many years ago - here on Mumsnet, I believe! - as a very effective way of dealing with spoilt unpleasant children. I have used it on adults and it works with them too. It's simply that when someone says something breathtakingly rude to you, you calmly say, 'Gosh, that sounds very rude. Did you mean it to?' The brilliance of it lies in the fact that if they say they didn't mean it to sound rude, you've neutralised them, and if they say they did mean it to sound rude, you've outed them.
Good luck!

Bubbletree4 · 17/12/2015 21:18

Cut yourself off emotionally, not physically. Insulate yourself from her words/behaviour.

You need to accept the situation for what it is. Having spent 10 years trying to change it, it is clear that you cannot do this. If you don't expect any thanks for dinner/presents etc, then you won't feel miserable when she doesn't give them.

At least she is 20 now and presumably not so involved in visitation etc.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 17/12/2015 21:21

Cinnamon I will use the 'Did you mean it to be rude?' over Christmas! Sounds good!

Morganly · 17/12/2015 23:49

Two points stand out for me.

Your comment about if your son was upsetting your partner, you would do something about it. This suggests that you resent your partner for not standing up for you when she goes too far. I think you are reasonable to expect this.

Secondly, you say you go to a lot of bother with presents and food. Don't. His child, his responsibility.

As is so often said on mumsnet, you don't have a stepdaughter/mother in law etc etc problem, you have a partner problem.

Original poster

tsm106 · 18/12/2015 00:56

I feel very grateful for some very positive and wise words from you all. I have been beating myself up for years over her, and tolerating her rudeness because I love her dad so much. But at what price, to my stress levels, confidence and health? My partner hates it when I make myself scarce when she visits, yet will not deal with this situation which ( for me at least ) is beyond bad with his daughter. She still visits once a fortnight, I feel, due to lack of friends in her hometown.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, it has recently dawned on me that I do not have one happy memory of her in ten years! That speaks volumes.

OP posts:

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