To think that DP's and his EDP's Xmas plans are fucking stupid?

[Liquidlucnhlover]

DP's ex moved 75 miles away a couple of years ago. Since then they have been scrapping and fighting over who has DSD (5) for Xmas eve and Xmas morning.

We managed to get her for Xmas eve and morning last year and then DP made the 150 + miles trip to take her back and come home again.

The year before this, his ex had her for Xmas eve and Xmas morning and we had her during the afternoon/nighttime by which time she was beside herself, cried all afternoon and went to bed early.

They still haven't made a decision on what's happening this year, and it's probably going to be very last minute and 'couldn't organise a piss up on a brewery' esque as per.

It just all strikes me as very unfair on DSD. On a day when she should be chilling out, having a nice day opening her presents with family and tucking into Xmas dinner she's being passed from pillar to post, has to sit in a car for the best part of two hours (bad country roads from her DM's to ours) and having to rush everything to be ready for DP dropping her back or picking her up.

Inwardly, I think that at 5 years old it's a hell of a lot for her to contend with and that the suggestion of alternate Christmas' isn't too far fetched. I will also point out that it's not particularly fair on DP either who has to do all of the travelling as his ex refuses.

WWYD?

What a shame it seems only to be you actually thinking of the child here. But if your partner is the one who does all the travelling, you have that card to play: he can say he won't come to do pick up Christmas Day afternoon but will come for mid-morning/lunchtime Boxing Day. So I would work on making him realise how counter productive splitting the day is.

Sorry - badly worded

I'd judge Any parent who asks a 3 year old which parent they want to live with - but I'd only ever be in a relationship with a man, and I'd struggle to retain respect for him if he did that.

I dont think DP has been unreasonable at all!! He does all of the running around and usually backs down to his ex's demands.

For the record, when we pick her up on a Saturday morning she has no issues 'transitioning' and we have none of the tears and tantrums that we do on Christmas Day. To say she has issues with transitioning is very presumptuous.

Sorry to bite your head off pretty he sometimes gives in to his ex at the expense of his DD (not that he sees it that way) his ex seems to play the emotional black mail card so that he will back down.

Christmas Day is a bit of a red
Herring if I'm honest but one that presently needs dealing with

The problem I see is that you are trying to tell your OH what to do and that is a recipe for disaster. The situation DOESN'T need to be dealt with if they both reach an agreement that they are both satisfied with. In the end, you undoubtedly care and want the best for your DSD but she is not your daughter and it is not for you to decide.

Leave them to come up to an arrangement. It's hard enough to do so without step-parents getting in the middle. If DSD shows to be unsettled again, then let him comfort her, it is his job as a dad to do so.

I personally don't think it is right that a father should never get to enjoy Christmas day with his child.

He (any father, I mean) is an adult. It is not about the father. It is about the child. The adult needs to grow the hell up and make sure his child is a priority. Peace and harmony is what children need. Not grown ups trying to make things fair for themselves.

But if they have SO little understanding of what a child needs that they put their very young child in the position of having to choose which one she wants to live with, then actually there's not much hope. Sorry.

OP, I think you are a star. I think sitting slightly outside the warring exes, you can see what is in the best interests of the child, rather than getting caught up in the selfishness of the two parents. It looks like you may have engineered a better arrangement for this year. Lucky little girl to have such a sensitive stepmum.

Gobsmacked by the mum mentioned by a PP who spent every Christmas alone because she thought her child would have a better Christmas with her dad's new family. There are compromises and then there's just sheer bloody cruelty.

Fb - that was my view too. Dss is a child, he was 9 when we met. Dp just doesn't think about things. I do. I'm a worrier but also a considerer.
To an adult it really is just a day, no need to stress over it. To a child it's full of emotion. So why add to that emotion? Take it down a level, don't let it be an additional stress. That's why I suggested we never have dss on the day, his mum always had him. Then dss didn't have to start wondering about mid Nov every year what the plan was.

And it did work really well. It's only this year for the first time we have him on the day.

Also, his Disney Mum only ever had him for The Day, we always had him from end of school to Christmas Eve, then from BD morning to NYD. I expect it will be the time with us he remembers as "Christmas" in future, and that is why he is happy, nay keen, to come away with us this year.

Morganly, why was it cruelty? She's a fantastic mum who loves her daughter very much, she just knew that she wanted to share the excitement of Christmas morning with her siblings. She had many, many special times and days with her mum and every year she was given the choice and wanted to come to us. It was to her mum's credit that she put her daughter's feelings first.
Dh missed many special times with his dd because she didn't live with us and we don't live quite close enough for week day evenings to be feasible. I will be forever grateful to her mum for allowing us to make those memories with her. She used to have Boxing Day with her mum's family.
She's grown up now and still chooses to come Christmas Eve, she'll go home but is coming back Christmas Day. Her mum most certainly was not cruel, quite the opposite. I would guarantee that dsd would say the same.

Haven't read the whole thread but for what it's worth, like slkk my DSD splits the Xmas holidays down the middle - one year she's with one parent from the end of term until the 27th Dec and then she goes to the other parent from the 27th until the beginning of term. They reverse each year so this year she's with Mum for Xmas and DH for NY and then vice versa the next year. It's been like this since she was 3 and works well. There is a 50:50 court order in place though so the Xmas arrangements reflect the rest of her contact schedule really.

Sorry, late night post and was getting on my high horse. I meant it was cruel to the mum to let her make the sacrifice every year but I understand what you are saying about her having lots of other special times with her daughter.

OP, I think you are great trying to put your DSD first.

Unfortunately whist your Dh and his ex are still fighting, your reason and common sense attitude will be lost. Hopefully they can stop fighting and see what is best for their little girl.

I found over the years Christmas changed according to the kids needs. We agreed alternate Christmas day and change over on Boxing day in our divorce mediation.

On the first Christmas, DD was 6 and DS was 10, I walked them over to see their father in the afternoon of Christmas Day for an hour or so.

After that Christmas we had 5 where we alternated and swapped on Boxing day. Then 2 years ago they said that they did not like swapping on Boxing day and wanted to stay the full week with whoever they are with on Christmas day. This has worked so far. We make sure this matches what DSS is doing and go away for a few days when the kids are away. I do miss them though.

How about a "bonus Christmas" ? Make your own tradition for another day. That is mine and DPs plan do his ex has his kids on Christmas Day but then we will do an additional celebration when we have all the kids together.
Saves getting hung up on that one day, it's a whole Christmas season, there are lots of new traditions you could make instead - special meals (don't have to be traditional), trips to pan to/ice skating, a day of making Christmassy things.
Agree it is silly for Dp and Dsd to spend so much of Christmas Day in the car

Fair enough Morganly We never, ever insisted. I did feel guilty the first year and we phoned dsd's step-mum on Christmas Eve to see if she wanted to come over early the next day to see present opening but she was happy not to, although grateful for the offer. I think they just made their own Christmas traditions for other days and now dsd has younger siblings on her mum's side. They quite often go away for Christmas though as they have distant family.
We were very lucky, we didn't have to have difficult arrangements. I think every other Christmas is probably fair OP, so much travelling on Christmas Day is no fun for anybody.

As a kid we did Christmas with mum then went to dads Boxing Day. I loved it. I got two Christmas's and would have hated to journey on Christmas Day. Even as a grown up I love dads on Boxing Day!

I would suggest you do as mentioned and take her Boxing Day morning instead. If this scuppers mums plans to get arseholed then the alternative is you take her Christmas Eve then return her Boxing Day.

I also want to applaud you for trying to get some suggestions to help your dsd. Don't know why some are abusing. You sound like a bloody good step mum to me.