Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

would you miss them?

33 replies

M1nniedriver · 05/12/2015 18:04

Having been forced to defend myself on another thread I have admitted that DP and myself have now parted ways. We were together for a lot of years and i have watched his DC grow up. There have been so many issues but for the most part, my issues surrounding being a SP to DSC had been fairly resolved. I always got on well with them but being a SP is very hard. You are expected to parent without being a parent. To step back from situations that affect you directly. To have an opinion on things but accept that you have little say. Our breakup has nothing to do with the children but certainly in some way, deep issues that DP has as a result of how he was treated by his ex. I thought these had resolved but it would appear not.

It's a hard job but it's very rewarding too. I have the greatest respect for SP and the very important role they play in bringing up their SC despite what many people on here say. I will miss the DC so much but I'd recommend anyone having issues with their SC to think how you would feel if you never saw them again? It's very hard, so try and embrace the good times with them, drink wine through the hard times and hope that it will all work out in the end. I'll continue to post advice, as I have always done, if there are threads that I feel I have experience with because what we did with the SC and indeed a very rocky relationship with his ex seemed to work in the end. Good luck to all you SP, you're doing a fab job

OP posts:

MascaraAndConverse89 · 05/12/2015 21:13

Oh M1nnie I'm so sorry! I thought I hadn't seen you for a bit. I hope you do stick around though on MN because I always enjoy reading your posts and you do make me giggle!

As for me if me and my DH split, if I am being totally honest I don't think I would miss his DS.

Creiddylad · 05/12/2015 21:13

Sorry to hear that you have split with your DH. I hope you find happiness.

I have been through a lot with DH, we are very happy, though to be honest I would not miss DSS at all if I never saw him again.

OutToGetYou · 06/12/2015 10:39

It's hard to know - in the weeds of it, some days I'd be happy if I never even heard his name again.

But years ago I split with a guy I'd been with a year or so, who had three kids, and I really missed them. Didn't live with him though so didn't have all these issues.

ClaudoftheRings · 06/12/2015 11:13

Sorry to hear that, Minnie.

And no, I wouldn't think twice about DSS if DH and I ever split. I'd also be particularly delighted not to have his unpleasant mother in my life.
Flame away!

Original poster

M1nniedriver · 06/12/2015 21:12

I'll be sticking about mascarra the split wasn't step/ex related not directly anyway

That's so funny you guys wouldnt miss them just goes to show how hard and complicated step parenting is! No one can understand it till they do it especially if the relationship between the mother and father isn't amicable.

I was told by a lovely poster yesterday that I wasnt a SP anymore possibly not however his eldest phoned me today from his phone (he didn't know) she said she wanted to see me because she misses me. Must have made more progress with our relationship than I thought.

OP posts:

Original poster

M1nniedriver · 06/12/2015 21:13

claude. No flames from this end anyway

OP posts:

coffeeisnectar · 06/12/2015 22:40

Another one who wouldn't miss the dsc although maybe the older one. Definitely not the youngest.

I'm sorry you have split up, be kind to yourself and I hope your future brings happiness in whatever form it takes.

WSM123 · 07/12/2015 00:57

OH snap.
although I'm hoping mine isn't permanent. He has been told to get the legal stuff sorted and then we have a chance. At the moment every time the ex threatens him with withholding the kids I get the brunt of it, if I sneeze at the wrong time that will be the reason he cant see them (slight exaggeration) and he has taken the first step already so fingers crossed.
I have read many of your threads/comments and have Identified with so much of what you have said/are(were) going through. best of luck with rest of your life, stay strong :-)

Homemadearmy · 07/12/2015 04:46

I suppose technically I am not a step parent anymore either having split from dp 7 years ago. The step parents years were really really tough. And I am sorry now that I let it all get on top of me.
The step children are all grown up now, and we hardly ever see them. It makes me sad that they don't bother with my children. They are always pleasant when we see them. But they make no effort.

heavens2betsy · 07/12/2015 09:29

I really don't think I would. If shames me to say this as I do care for them but I wouldn't miss the overcrowded weekends and sheer hard work of juggling their needs with those of the rest of the family and of course the constant judgement of the ex wife.
My life without them would be much simpler but without DP it would be miserable so it's a balance.

Wdigin2this · 07/12/2015 23:21

H2betsy...snap!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 08/12/2015 21:08

Sadly, no I wouldn't miss them either.

But after being a constant figure in their lives for 6+ years, they have shown as they've grown up that they really have no interest, no care or attachment to me at all, or my son. You can't miss people who have nothing in their hearts for you.

Unfortunately, I don't think that they miss DP that much either. They've just grown to be indifferent as younger adults. Perhaps because of antagonism towards both of us from their mum. I don't know. But as a kid they must feel loyalties are too tested by having affection or care for us as SPs?

hampsterdam · 09/12/2015 00:06

What kids that are not yours would you miss though? I haven't seen my god daughter for a month and haven't actively missed her. My friends dc I wouldn't really miss if I didn't see them. Maybe I'm just a heartless cow, but no I wouldn't miss my dss if I never saw him again but obviously my dh would and so would my ds.
Only kids I can think I have ever missed are the younger db and dsis of an ex boyfriend of mine, lived with them went on holidays and picked them up from school sometimes. I missed them when I moved out and still think of them sometimes but I lived my day to day with them. I don't with dss.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 09/12/2015 17:12

I did with a friend and her young daughter for a long while, and I really missed her. I went travelling with another friends child and we both missed each too.

I think the difference is there were no jealousy or loyalty conflicts, they weren't competing with me for Daddy, and their mums liked me.

chrome100 · 10/12/2015 09:33

I was in a long term relationship for 8 years. He had a nephew and niece who were born whilst we were together and with whom I spent a lot of time. I missed them terribly for a long time after we split.

I do think it's possible to miss children you are not related to.

jamtartandcustard · 11/12/2015 12:47

You are expected to parent without being a parent. To step back from situations that affect you directly. To have an opinion on things but accept that you have little say.
^ that exactly! Whoever said being a parent is the hardest job in the world is a flaming liar! Being a step parent is the hardest job in the world. All the shit that goes with parenting but with very little of the reward.
I love dh very very much but have thought about walking away so many times because of his ex. If we did split, no I wouldn't miss his dd and certainly not her mother.

plumpynoo · 11/12/2015 21:20

No, sadly not. In fact, sometimes i fantasize about what it would be like to have weekends together with just my husband and our son.... ( husband works the weekends that we don't have SD)

CookieDoughKid · 11/12/2015 22:06

I met a lovely divorcee a few years ago with 4 dc (one dc severely downs and another with lots of behavioural and eating disorder issues) and the 4 dcs were all under age of 14. I have my own dc and although he was absolutely lovely, and from all accounts things with his ex was amicable, I decided to walk away from the relationship. Things were getting serious and we needed to make a decision as to whether it was worth pursuing as there were a lot of dcs between the two of us. Also, a huge factor was that he had very very little money spare and it caused a lot of stress for him to pay alimony and maintenance and his own living costs.

I feel bad that I didn't have the strength to pursue this relationship but I do feel from reading a lot of this step-parenting threads, that I had a lovely escape. I think money does matter when you have a lot of dc's - it makes life much easier (although not necessarily happy). I was never honest with him as to the real reason why I walked away, I just didn't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

Life for me is so much more simpler and I'm really happy now. Should I have pursued it? I think love isn't enough in situations likes these.

NerdyBird · 13/12/2015 00:49

I would not particularly miss them. They would probably miss their sister, as it's likely I would have to move quite far away (property prices are unaffordable as a single parent). I don't think they would miss me so it's all square.

QueenArseClangers · 19/12/2015 14:55

My heart would break if I couldn't see my step son!
He's been in my life since he was 3 and is now a gorgeous, kind 16 year old.
Perhaps it makes the difference that we've always had him 50/50 so it's obviously easier to build an attachment when you're with them more.
It also helps that his dad has never had as much as a sniff of Disney about him and we've always been a happy family with proper boundaries, good communication and lots if respect.

We're so proud of the young man my SS has become. My love for him has grown even more seeing his relationships with his step brother (my DS) and his half siblings.

Sorry for what you're going through OP, I do hope you can stay in contact with your SDC.

Wdigin2this · 21/12/2015 06:56

Cookie, you did the right thing....that situation would never had worked!

hesterton · 21/12/2015 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanofone · 21/12/2015 07:19

Queen - you've restored my faith in humanity! This thread is so very sad. Children need unconditional love, particularly after a trauma. Family break up is always traumatic for children, no matter how bad things have been between the parents, and they will always push the boundaries to prove they are loveable. So many posters clearly reinforcing the view that actually they aren't. Being a step parent is like adopting - if you choose to take a role in a child's life, you have to commit to them. You can't just have a relationship with another adult and think their children won't be part of it

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 21/12/2015 07:45

I really wish that there was a "like" button function on Mumsnet Nanofone! I agree with you wholeheartedly.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 21/12/2015 08:58

Being a stepparent is not like adopting. When you adopt a child, you are their parent and have just as much responsibility towards them as if they were biologically yours, legally and morally.
A stepparent is different. You don't commit to the child. When you're with their parent of course they do become a sort of responsibility, but not as much as their parents. If you split with that parent then you have no obligation to carry on any sort of relationship with the child. I'll be honest I wouldn't and I wouldn't miss them.

Children do need unconditional love, but you can't expect that to come from a "stepparent". For me it is entirely conditional whether I even like my stepchild, never mind love them!

Flip

1 2