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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I need help/advice from step mums and people whose DC have them

67 replies

MargotsGin · 30/11/2015 13:07

Divorced for 5 years. Ex in a relationship for 3 years. Has just moved in with his partner 3 months ago. They have DC two nights a week.

No previous problems at all. We've all rubbed along nicely, we go to sporting events/school plays/birthday parties and get on fine, talk about the weather, pass the time of day etc. Although they have just moved in together his partner stayed at his house both nights when the DC were there so she is use to the children staying overnight.

Since they have moved in together she has suddenly turned into turbo charged step mum. Some examples.

I picked DD up for a birthday party at a skating rink. I had sent her with clothes to change into which she had picked out. She was in a different outfit. I said oh DD aren't you wearing the clothes you picked, SM says 'oh well I decided they would probably get very dirty and not practical for skating so she's wearing these instead aren't you DD (talking to DD and not looking at me). I said 'oh well it doesn't matter if they get dirty it will soon wash out' and SM (still talking to DD) said 'oh well she's changed now'. I just and said oh no bother and took DD to the party.

She sent me an email after the kids had been for the weekend. She mentioned that she was very concerned about the DC use of bad language and wasn't comfortable with it. Could we all decide to be on the same page and teach the DC it wasn't ok and is offensive to some people. Bad language is Jesus, oh my god and crap (from the 11 year old). I replied to ex and said about the email and that actually i'm not concerned about their language and think that perhaps they need to pick their battles. He sent a very weak message back saying that 'yes but if we can stop them from saying it then surely that would be better'. DC are now coming home and saying they are on punishment for 'swearing'.

Step mum has put in rules banning them from watching certain programmes. Simpsons, I'm a celeb (the 11 year old), and the regular show because someone said crap off or something like that . When DC came home and moaned I said that its not my house and i'm not interfering in their rules. Ex then phoned up and said they would appreciate it if I backed them up. Apparetnly step mum has explained to him that she doesn't think these programmes are ok and why and actually he agrees and its very confusing for DC to have different rules for different houses and didn't I think we should all be on the same page.

DD asked me to if she could do guitar lessons. I said no as 1) she already has 3 extra curricular activities, 2) the time of the lessons clashes with DS football, 3) the location of the lessons is miles away. Step mum then sent me a long winded email saying she thinks DD should be allowed to do them. It even had links showing how beneficial learning an instrument is to DC.

At the moment i'm just slightly bemused and giving her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she is just taking her step mum role very seriously and might calm down in a few months. On the other hand i'm very close to telling her to mind her own business when it comes to what goes on in my house.

Any advice to how to approach this in a way that isn't going to cause conflict!

OP posts:

wowis · 04/12/2015 12:44

jesus op as a step mum and a mum your post made me feel really irritable. I can see pp are saying really useful things about trying to communcate with their sm etc but holy shit I would want to absolutely deck her square in the face for suggesting I should change the wy I parent my own children to support what she fucking thinks 'is right'?! She can get to fuck quite frankly.
Maybe more usefully though I think having a positive relationship between all the adult in these situations is priceless as we have massive problems with my dp's ex. With parental alienation and all sorts so trying to keep that up is great. But as pp have said I would speak to your ex and say she's going a bit over board here and what you do there is fine and we can agree to differ.
Can't watch the fucking simpsons at 11? Good luck to your ex she has got him firmly by the bollocks...

KakiFruit · 04/12/2015 13:25

Berthatydfil gave the best advice, in my opinion, with replying to every email saying you'll discuss it with their father. I wouldn't include her in any of your parenting discussions - he can fill in the blanks later if he wants - because she has to understand she isn't a third parent.

Well done, by the way. You're dealing with this with so much more grace than I would

Original poster

MargotsGin · 04/12/2015 13:39

Just checking the name change worked

OP posts:

Original poster

MargotsGin · 04/12/2015 13:43

Just a quick update. I mulled it over and then Wed night the girls came home with a new pack of hair bands for our house. SM asked them to give them to me as the ones I use snag their hair and she thought I might like to use these ones instead. There is nothing wrong with the other ones AT ALL.

I can't work out if it's very underhand undermining or just a nice gesture.

OP posts:

wowis · 04/12/2015 13:46

(cough) controlling (cough...)
my friend used to get that passive aggressive parenting through the children when she picked her son up from her ex's house his step mum would bring him to the door saying 'hes had a bath javen't you sweetheart, you were all dirty when mum dropped you off yesterday...' etc etc
hold.me.back.

OutToGetYou · 04/12/2015 14:23

Hope she gets pregnant - having her own kids will take her mind off it.

Asteria36 · 04/12/2015 14:57

You need to talk to your ex and then you need to talk to her. He may well have fed her the usual sob story of hard done by man with useless ex wife, on the other hand she may well just be an interfering harridan who had no boundaries. If she is saying these things to you, I would be concerned about how much she is undermining you to the children. Little things like the hair bands can all add up to a bigger picture of her chipping away at you and making it difficult for your DC. Nip this in the bud now before your DC learn to play you all off against each other and any ease between the houses is replaced with constant warring.

LouisaGlasson · 04/12/2015 15:16

Yes, definitely nip this in the bud now. I'd not respond to any emails from her at all and not rise to anything that seems designed to goad you, like the hairbands. If you don't play ball she may well get bored. She's clearly feeling she needs to put you down to make herself feel better. I just delete anything xh's gf sends me and just get on with my day, I don't even read messages, and I'd be inclined to do that if she keeps it up. If there is a genuine concern your xh would like to discuss with you he can do so.

And don't worry about causing conflict, just be boundaried about it - that's a very different thing. The only person causing conflict here is her.

Jux · 04/12/2015 16:17

Undermining, definitely.

I would liaise only with their dad. She is not the boss of you. Cut her out of the loop, and send her stuff straight to the bin without even opening it. Telling you you should facilitate your dd's guitar lessons with no offer of how to split the cost, or how to get her there, well, there aren't enough ' cheeky mares' in the world to get near to describing her!

Marilynsbigsister · 04/12/2015 22:24

I'm a step mum, I'm a step daughter and a step sister. Your ex's new partner is stark raving batshit bonkers. Parenting my dsc is the business of DH and his exw. Nothing to do with me unless it's a matter of common sense/life and death ! Send the hair bands back in equal PA gesture with little note saying, so kind of you to think of them but after doing their hair for x years, we have found a product we are happy with. Don't let them go to waste, sending them back so you can give them to someone in need . X

Marilynsbigsister · 04/12/2015 22:25

In fact, send them and message via ex. Do not engage. Do not look her in the eye.....

wannabestressfree · 05/12/2015 05:24

Marilyn has got it.... I am all for a bit of passive aggressive 'how kind of you but really we are fine' and send them back.

It's difficult though do you make a stand or just ignore?

WelshMoth · 05/12/2015 06:46

and then smack her in the face.

Nice.

WelshMoth · 05/12/2015 06:58

OP, I think your response is really calm and measured. We'll done for your patience.

I'm a SM and while DSD is in her 20's now, I moved in with her Dad when she was 11. My role, then and now, has always been a supportive one. To her, to her Mum and Dad.

That said, both Mum and Dad were hands on and responsible. It very much sounds like your Ex isn't that responsible (CoD being played etc what a vile game). Is she over compensating for the fact that he isn't fulfilling his role?

The guitar links would have me sniggering tbh, but behaviours like this really risk tipping the happy equilibrium that you have. Now, should she have emailed/text you to say " have heard about the guitar lessons. Am happy to do the ferrying around - am free that day -and we could fork out the costs" or words to that effect, then that would have been lovely. She sounds a bit cack-handed at best, but at worst a bit controlling. I think I would have responded "Ta for the links - no need though. My decision is based on pure logistics. Can't be at 2 places at once!"

Re the cursing - can't help but agree that it's not acceptable for a child to use it in every day speech. I hear it in class when I set a challenging task and I always pick up on it. If, like you say, it's a reaction to a sudden shock, then fine but part of every day speech would get to me.

WelshMoth · 05/12/2015 07:00

Sneezie you sound lovely.

WelshMoth · 05/12/2015 07:04

Just read your latest update.
I'm pretty mild but even that has me thinking "hmmm.....".

Send them back with the girls and text her "Thanks! But I have plenty - keep them at yours for when the girls stay over."

She's bordering on controlling....

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 06/12/2015 20:55

She's an utter bellend. If your ex doesn't pull on his big boy pants and see sense, his children will vote with their feet.

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