I need help/advice from step mums and people whose DC have them

[MargotsGin]

Divorced for 5 years. Ex in a relationship for 3 years. Has just moved in with his partner 3 months ago. They have DC two nights a week.

No previous problems at all. We've all rubbed along nicely, we go to sporting events/school plays/birthday parties and get on fine, talk about the weather, pass the time of day etc. Although they have just moved in together his partner stayed at his house both nights when the DC were there so she is use to the children staying overnight.

Since they have moved in together she has suddenly turned into turbo charged step mum. Some examples.

I picked DD up for a birthday party at a skating rink. I had sent her with clothes to change into which she had picked out. She was in a different outfit. I said oh DD aren't you wearing the clothes you picked, SM says 'oh well I decided they would probably get very dirty and not practical for skating so she's wearing these instead aren't you DD (talking to DD and not looking at me). I said 'oh well it doesn't matter if they get dirty it will soon wash out' and SM (still talking to DD) said 'oh well she's changed now'. I just and said oh no bother and took DD to the party.

She sent me an email after the kids had been for the weekend. She mentioned that she was very concerned about the DC use of bad language and wasn't comfortable with it. Could we all decide to be on the same page and teach the DC it wasn't ok and is offensive to some people. Bad language is Jesus, oh my god and crap (from the 11 year old). I replied to ex and said about the email and that actually i'm not concerned about their language and think that perhaps they need to pick their battles. He sent a very weak message back saying that 'yes but if we can stop them from saying it then surely that would be better'. DC are now coming home and saying they are on punishment for 'swearing'.

Step mum has put in rules banning them from watching certain programmes. Simpsons, I'm a celeb (the 11 year old), and the regular show because someone said crap off or something like that . When DC came home and moaned I said that its not my house and i'm not interfering in their rules. Ex then phoned up and said they would appreciate it if I backed them up. Apparetnly step mum has explained to him that she doesn't think these programmes are ok and why and actually he agrees and its very confusing for DC to have different rules for different houses and didn't I think we should all be on the same page.

DD asked me to if she could do guitar lessons. I said no as 1) she already has 3 extra curricular activities, 2) the time of the lessons clashes with DS football, 3) the location of the lessons is miles away. Step mum then sent me a long winded email saying she thinks DD should be allowed to do them. It even had links showing how beneficial learning an instrument is to DC.

At the moment i'm just slightly bemused and giving her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she is just taking her step mum role very seriously and might calm down in a few months. On the other hand i'm very close to telling her to mind her own business when it comes to what goes on in my house.

Any advice to how to approach this in a way that isn't going to cause conflict!

Good lord, she sounds bonkers.

I would tell my ex that I would not be changing my house rules to match her wishes and then I would refuse to engage with her.

I am a SP, my DS has a SP, I have had a couple of SP.

She needs to step back. She also needs to quit emailing you.

Your Ex DH is the one who should be implementing any rules, and discussing matters with you.

As the DC get older things will change anyway so don't get too upset about it just at the moment, they will make up their own minds.

I may have missed it as read your OP quite quickly - but does she have DC of her own ? If so, are they older than your DC ?

No DC of her own but she works with children

I think you need to have firm words with your ex. Tell him how much you value him has a father, and how much you value the way you've always got on OK together, and that you really want to go on working well with him. And then make it very clear that that has to be based on each allowing the other to parent as they see fit during the times the kids are with them, and working closely together on just the big parenting issues. If there are times when maybe you have been telling him how to do things a little more than you should have (maybe dictating the ice skating clothes?) then make a real effort to back off - you can cope with the odd soggy dress or broken toy if he does prove a bit slack. But in return, be absolutely clear that he does not dictate how you do things in your home. If you want to watch the Simpsons with your children, you are their mother and nobody can tell you not to. I would also request that he talks to his ex and that any issues he does want to raise come from him - not directly from her. You did - once upon a time - chose to have children together, there will be a certain amount of understanding of each other that the two of you will have, and sense of common purpose and joint love for your children - hopefully also respect for each other as parents. That isn't going to be there with a new step parent, and it's not fair of him to suddenly expect you to be co-parenting directly with her.

Hopefully she is just taking a time to get her head round what role she has, but the person who should be making this most clear to her is your ex.

I agree with previous posters about different rules for different houses and let them explain why they have made theirs. After all you and your exp are the constants in your children's lives. She possibly won't be. As a SM myself I know how important it is to keep it civil as it is best for the DCs, so as you say you are doing the right thing. But wow! The cheek of the woman! How have you managed not to explode? OTOH it's a great story for your next night out with your friends - I can hear the wine-fuelled indignation from here

You are all better people than me, I think I'd just tell her to piss off!

I'm a sm and a mum of 2 of my own.

I don't parent my dsd, (neither does dp to be honest but I'm not going to start on his Disney crap now) but I do expect her to pick up after herself, dirty dishes, dirty clothes, all her things etc same as my own kids.

Other than that, we don't have a ton of houserules. My 10 year old watches I'm a celeb (we watch it on catch up after school) and I don't see why an 11 year old can't. It's mostly harmless.

I think the sm needs to keep out of what you do and if your ex isn't careful he will find that the kids won't want to go and stay soon. There are rules and then there are ludicrous rules.

Tape I'm a celeb so they can watch it when they get home.

I have been a SM for many years. As a SM you can't tell your DSC's how to run her home or manage her DC when they are with her! Each home will have different rules.

Negotiations over joint decisions should be made by parents, not step parents.

DSC's mother

My house my rules. Different rules at school and home so why would it confuse anyone to have different rules in different homes.

Mostly just ignore is my best advice. SM here too. She is a parent but she's not their mother. It'll probably work itself out over the next year or so. She just needs to get over herself! She's taking herself very seriously, and is ripe for some piss taking I reckon. That's how we'd deal with it, kids and all.

Email back every time - "thank you I will discuss this with their father "
The first time you do this tell him that you respect him as a parent during his time with the children and would appreciate that he (and his partner) does the same and if that means different houses different rules so be it.

And then ignore her emails.
I would say that the fact she disregarded your daughters choice in clothes for the party quite disrespectful to her. I don't think her I know best on all things attitude to your pre teen dc bodes will for the future as they are fast approaching an age where they may just vote with their feet and refuse to go see their df because of her controlling attitude. If you are on good terms with your ex you could try to explain this to him,

She sounds slightly deranged.

I am a sm, and I admit, I don't like dss saying 'crap' (he's 14) and he says 'my mum's OK with it', to which I reply 'well, I'm not, so don't say it in front of me' - I'm not going to tell his dm what her rules should be.

Having said that, there have been a few times he's told me his dm was fine about something and I have had a chance to check with her and she's not. So, they do fib. But I don't contact the dm really, only a quick chat on pick up or drop off. I'd never email her. Actually she phoned me once, - dss texted me to say his sd was bullying him and could he come to ours, I was away, as was dp, so I replied to say no, I was away and that he should talk to his dm. Sd then read his texts and dm phoned me to tell me sd wasn't bullying him at all. (bit defensive...?)

How to deal with it - well, the father needs to be the one agreeing rules. We really try to support the other adults in dss life, but it's not always possible (his sd is quite mean and we're not following his rules) and in those cases it's 'well, you are old enough to understand different rules in different places'.

We would obviously never say he should be allowed to do things the other house has 'banned' (although his dm does seem to do this to us - he tells us 'mum said you should let me blah').

So, in your shoes I'd have to say 'OK, well, that's dad's rules, you can't watch x while there, we'll just watch it here and I will try to make sure I keep the recorded ones so you can catch up where you've missed it'.

Their house, their rules; your house, your rules.

It might be best to say to them that it would be kind and polite to accept the rules and not 'moan' (if they are!), as that is better for general harmony.

But she really should back off, esp about the guitar lessons. Lots of things are good for kids, but they can't do all of them for a huge number of reasons - logistics, as you say, and money, being the two main ones.

She is by no means the only person who finds children saying Jesus and crap a bit off, so perhaps, for their sakes rather than hers, you could ask them not to.

With regard to the guitar lessons, would you be comfortable with her and DD's father paying for, and taking her to those? I agree that if you have a pre existing commitment to football, you shouldn't be running yourself ragged, when your DD effectively has three parents now .

FWIW, DS1's stepmother made him feel like an intruder in his father's house, to the extent that he stopped going, and now at 28, he hardly sees his father.

My DH disciplined him, took him to football, advised him and loved him... they have a wonderful relationship, to the point that DS will often phone DH with good news before he tells me!

Your EH's partner does sound like she's more in the 'hands on' camp than the unwelcoming stepmother, even though it might be a bit of a learning curve for her. The more supportive adults in a child's life, the better, I reckon.

She sounds irritating, but not awful!

IT sounds like she's textbook stepparenting - she's read about DCs of their age, and she read all about how to be a successful stepparent, and she's applying it because she doesn't know that 1) parenting is nothing like the books and 2) stepparenting advice varies more widely than the Argos catalogue!

She isn't bonkers, but she is out of line - if your ex has decided to parent in a different way, then you and he can talk about it and he can explain to you why he's seen the error of his ways. If he's anything like my ex, he'll look like a bunny in the headlights when you ask him "why" he has changed his mind about the TV they watch or the games they play. He's just going along with his DP, I'm sure.

I suspect that he and she are caught up in the cycle that happens at the beginning of a lot of relationships - she wants to get on his good side by showing how good she is with kids, while at the same time, he's relieved to leave the parenting to someone else. It won't be long before she begins to resent him delegating his role to her.

I think you are handling it very well and should continue to be non confrontational. Just say that however bemused you are with the number of changes in rules within their household since she's moved, you respect their decision to impose them, however, they have to do the same with your decision not to change the rules in your household. Just say that you will continue to tell your children that rules are different in the different homes, and they have to learn to respect these and that if they do the same, then things should be fine.

she wants to get on his good side by showing how good she is with kids, while at the same time, he's relieved to leave the parenting to someone else.It won't be long before she begins to resent him delegating his role to her.
Totally agree with this.

Well I'm a stepmum and I wouldnt dream of doing any of that stuff.

Well done for keeping your cool and being reasonable, I think it is the only way forward. Keep meeting her over bearing zealousbesses with a measured and reasoned response.

The only compromise I can think of is pointing out that you don't agree with their rules but you support their right to enforce them in their home. However you wont enforce their choice of rules in your home.

zealousness

I'm a Smum.

I suspect this one doesn't have kids of her own and is on a power trip

I'd explain to her that kids will learn rules of their house since they've changed now she's moved in but it will take time. In the sa,e way as when they go to school the rules are different to home, it's just a settling in period. I'd also mention how none of this has been an issue before and whilst you appreciate her input some things are better left to the parents! And then smack her in the face

Just to address the swearing issue. I personally don't see crap as a swear word, likewise the use of Jesus or omg. Obviously it depends on the context. I don't allow them to say 'omg this dinner is crap' etc. But wouldn't bat an eyelid at a stubbed toe eliciting a loud crap or Jesus Christ. They are well behaved, respectful children (albeit with a mother who swears like a navvy).

I personally feel that they/she are totting up the things they are doing right against my 'wrongs' and willy waving them in my face.

The guitar lessons are a no. She and ex are in no way offering any support with logistics or funds. They'll both be working whilst the lessons are on and couldn't do it anyway. I think the email was more directed to trying to persuade me to do it by filling me in on the benefits of musical tuition for children. In case it had passed me by in my last 11 years of parenting

Previous posts suggesting you don't over-react are right...and good on you for not doing so! She is probably just finding her place in the children's lives, and in all fairness, if it's her home then her rules have to be applied! But she has no right to be suggesting you now fall in with her ideas on 'proper child rearing'. She may well feel the DC would benefit from a more consistent lifestyle at both homes (and wouldn't that be nice), but unfortunately, that's not reality in the real world of split families!
So, for now, I'd just respond blandly to her texts/emails, not agreeing or disagreeing, and unless there is a direct question...actually, just don't reply! But subtly make sure she understands the, your home your rules...my home mine scenario!! I know it's not ideal for the DC, but if everyone wants the best for them a little easing off in all directions would be helpful!

I agree Wdigin2this, but I wouldn't say 'your home, your rules', but 'you and ex's home, you and ex's rules'. A small distinction, but one I do think is important in these circumstances.

I'm an SM and that is a line I would never cross unless there was a real safeguarding issue. The DSC are primarily DH and his toxic exW's responsibility. I only ever communicated with the other side when the exW was refusing to have anything to do with DH. She, on the other hand, constantly hides behind her DP, who has been fed the biggest steaming pile of hit about DH so that is hardly helpful!
According to the family courts it is only really appropriate for parents to have such communications. I would direct only necessary responses via your ex, and if she persists I would point out that what she is doing is inappropriate. You are their mother and as such she has no right to dictate the rules and regulations of parenting your children. She can have rules for her house but it ends there. Your ex needs to grow a backbone tbh.

tell her that while you appreciate she has good intentions, you feel she is going OTT and overparenting. All being on the same page seems to look like she wants you to parent your own children HER way, Its not the way youve done it before, nor is it the way your exh parented, and she needs to mind her own business and be mindful of whos children they actually are because shes being inappropriate. Youve given your ex the respect and space to parent them how he wants when theyre with him, and you expect the same respect and space back

im not a SM btw, but my ds1 has a stepmother, and my dp is ds1s stepdad, and we all are respectful of each other and would only ever interfere or insist on being on the same page for serious issues, such as internet safety etc

This is possibly a different way to look at this: have you thought about sitting down with her and discussing? Yes she's overstepping the boundaries, but it may be with good (but naive) intentions and be worth discussing, if you've previously had a good relationship.
I wonder if she's read somewhere about everyone being on the same page and is working towards that without really understanding there are two totally separate households with different rules, one of which she has no power over?
It must be frustrating for you, and not responding so far is good, but if she doesn't understand the boundaries then how does she know where to stop? I guess I'm trying to see the best intentions here which is a nicer way to feel than thinking she's out to take over. By all means you can communicate this direct to your ex, but talking directly to her might be of benefit too? Talking in person can mean getting a better understanding than written communications where nuances get missed.

I know views on step-parenting diverge widely on this board, so this will probably horrify some people, but I decided whatever happened I was going to get on with my DD's SM and opened lines of communication directly with her and made it very clear I regarded her as a friend and someone important in DD's life. DD once told me how happy it made her that we all got on, were able to go for meals together and everyone be positive and friendly. Yes of course I have had to bite my tongue at times, but I compare this situation to my DSCs who have often asked why we can't do similar stuff with their Mum as we do with my ex and his DW, and I know the benefit to my DD far outweighs any discomfit to me. Not everyone is in a situation that allows this, but focusing on putting DD's best interest at heart, and having been on the receiving end of some nasty stuff from DSC's DM made it easier for me to decide we would get along whatever, and allowed me not to sweat the small stuff but instead revel in the good stuff.