My DSD who lives with us seems to be going through depression. She got to school last Thursday morning and broke down sobbing and has been off the rest of the week. She's told her parents that she has a profound sadness and is worried about her grades, although she's on track to get good GCSEs. She has normal teenage stuff going on - dealing with challenging friendships (she's very popular and is always the reconciler). We're starting the adoption process too, and I remind DH that this may be impacting her. The Paris incidents have been on her mind too.
I've written quite positively in the past about my stepfamily set up. DH and exP broke up shortly after DSD's conception so DSD has experienced less of the ruptures associated with family breakdowns, having being brought up by her dad since age 1 (after mum struggled to cope). But she sees her mum daily, who picks her up from school and drops her home with us later. All 3 of us parents are generally respectful, friendly and caring of each other.
Thankfully DSD does have some sense of her own responsibility, but she is up against a mixture of DH's liberalism and coddling; and I think this is playing its part in her wellbeing. She still needs loving guidance, limits and responsibilities. She told me that when a boy invited her to watch a film, she wanted her dad to question her more and be firmer - instead he was cool with letting her go (and he certainly didn't discuss it with me). Knowing DH he was probably thinking, well I can trust her to be responsible.
So I'm concerned that on the one hand he doesn't give her appropriate guidance and responsibilities (e.g. teach her how to handle money, ask her to do a household chore, get her to walk the 100m to the shop to buy something we need - she's never been and has rarely left the house alone). And on the other hand he leaves her to it e.g. allowing her hours alone in her room, not challenging / noticing language and behaviour.
More than anything I'm concerned that in 'over protecting' her he's repeating his own childhood pattern. He didn't know his dad and was raised by his violent stepdad from age 3. His mum and stepdad are still together and have sorted those issues, but it's left its mark on DH and his sister. He doesn't feel that close to his parents, but you wouldn't know it. They've helped him several times financially instead of taught him money management, we rent from them, he jumps at the chance to go on holiday with them without consulting me (we went, never again). I feel like there's a cycle of fear / guilt parenting going on and a lack of balanced parenting (love, limits, freedom). Seems everyone's scared of allowing others to be their own person or of offending them.
DSD's mum plays her part by buying her tons of clothes and sometimes washing them (yes coming to our house where we have a perfectly servicable washing machine, to pick up DSD's excess clothes to wash at her house, because DSD has worn so much she hasn't gotten round to washing all of it! (I've put my foot down about this and DH has now kept DSD on top of doing her own washing)).
DH still occasionally play fights, chases, tickles, give piggy backs to her - I have no issue with this, it's not daily or regressive. But I don't want him to have an inaccurate mindset about her - imagining her as 7 when she's 15. I run youth group and teenagers younger than DSD play games, but also discuss serious topics (bereavement, careers, society, faith, sex, bullying etc). Sometimes DSD will talk to me about some of this when we're alone and whilst I feel privileged, I sense she'd like to be able to get real with her dad too.
DH has admitted that he needs to work on himself emotionally and we're reading some books together, which he's much more open to than when we first got together. I'm not perfect either. But I love my family and am just keen that we keep a united front as a couple and model responsibility and emotional security, so my DSD - and our future children - are as as equipped as they possibly can be to handle and enjoy life.