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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

New to this advice needed for others in similar situation

13 replies

millsLe · 09/11/2015 10:43

Hi, been with new bf for 8 months, don't call partner as we don't live together. I am a 35 year old single mum to 4 year old dd and work as a childminder. He met my child quickly due to circumstances and is great with her. Bf has 6 year old twins and only just resumed access to them in April due to his ex not letting him see them for a few years mainly due to his then gf as his exw didn't like her or want her near her kids. So before I met the kids we all met each other and it all went great, got on fab with exw and kids, just introduced as friend and still known as that which is fine this was 7 weeks ago. So my issue now is, my bf doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me and dd when he has the kids, I'm maybe expecting to much but was hoping we would be spending some time together all getting to know each other and seeing how we all work together as a unit. he has also spent time kids and ex wife doing family things together, which I was fine with but won't be in the long term doing things as a family for birthday, school, Christmas etc is fine but any other time I don't think is ok. I will feel like the other woman if this continues and not sure if I'm prepared to let myself feel like this, single life is so much easier. Any friendly advise would be appreciated.

OP posts:

wheresthebeach · 09/11/2015 11:45

She stopped access for a few years because she didn't like a girl friend?

Yikes. That's all type of wrong unless the gf was a danger to the kids. What is the access agreement? Have they a court order? Why did he allow this?

Lots of important issues to sort out here. As it stands you'll both be walking on egg shells to keep the ex happy which is no way to live. Sorry but this doesn't sound good.

Original poster

millsLe · 09/11/2015 13:59

Yes they had a messy split, the ex gf was a neighbour who she knew and didn't like or trust. We only just found this out.
Bf has fought through court and had supervised contact centre visits since April. At a welfare hearing bf and exw had some mediation and he just happened to mention he wasn't with her anymore and had someone new. Since then he as had then out of contact centre and overnight every weekend and 5 days during October holiday's. The court order is for every other weekend but kids want more.
Hope that helps where's the each

OP posts:

Morganly · 09/11/2015 14:10

If he has only just resumed contact with them, I can understand him wanting to spend some real quality time exclusively with them. They all need to rebuild their bonds and I think it would be thoughtful of you to step back a little bit and give them the space to do that. Hopefully in a few months time, they will all feel more normal and relaxed with each other and will be ready to let other people in.

Original poster

millsLe · 09/11/2015 14:26

I have stood right back and let him get on with it, I'm all for it, just can help feel cast aside after being introduced and had a couple of outings and now nothing for weeks. My dd also is being affected not seeing him and wants to spend time with his kids also. It's all a lot harder than I expected.

OP posts:

wheresthebeach · 09/11/2015 14:44

It sounds super messy and if I was you I'd want to understand why she managed to get supervised contact only. That's a big deal and I think there must be more to it.

They need time and if I'm honest it sounds like he was a bit quick to introduce you considering the history.

It is really hard, but it sounds like the ex has a lot of power and that's going to affect you more and more as you get more involved.

Original poster

millsLe · 09/11/2015 15:04

I did wonder myself but think it was because they just didn't know him it was 4 years he hadn't seen them for and didn't know where they were. I don't understand how it all works to be honest.
I did think it was quick but I'm just a 'friend' and the mum wanted it too and how long should you leave something as you have to see if it works or not.

OP posts:

purpledasies · 09/11/2015 17:09

I think when one of you is ready to go at a faster pace than the other, you have to go at the pace of the slower one really, within reason And can see that your BF will need quite a while to feel at ease in his role as a dad as he's had so long apart from his children.

I do think you're right that him spending time with his ex is something you should be gently suggesting ought to be a temporary measure - yes to birthdays, school parents evenings, etc. No to Christmas (except maybe this year as a one off) and other substantial times together. It will make you feel like an OW, which isn't fair, and it's not helping your BF or his ex to move on to being co-parents rather than a family.

As a compromise, could you suggest meeting up with your BF, your DC and some other friends with kids to go to the park or something? That might feel more natural to him.

m1nniedriver · 09/11/2015 17:32

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Sounds like your ready to take things to the next level, perhaps he doesn't realise that?

m1nniedriver · 09/11/2015 17:35

Also 4 years not seeing his children sounds a bit strange to me was he trying all that time to see them? I'm a SM so I'm not being judgemental, I'm just as to how he didn't see them for 4 years. Even if she hated his ex GF that wouldn't have been enough to stop him seeing them all that time.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 09/11/2015 17:45

I agree with minnie it all sounds quite messy and strange.

Either there is stuff about him and/or his EXGf that you don't know about that the courts took into consideration, or his EX seems to be wielding a crazy amount of influence about when and how he can see his kids.

I would be seeing it as a red flag if they are spending a lot of time as a 'unit', you may well feel like the 'other woman' because there is another woman, his Ex, clearly still very much in his life.

Original poster

millsLe · 09/11/2015 17:57

I have been told he did let the kids down once as away on holiday and lawyers didn't communicate so dm ended contact which im told she can do as she pleases. Bfs ex was not supportive of him trying to see his kids and made his life hell too, but I believe yes he fought to see them. I Know there is probably more to the story but that's all I know.
I haven't spoken to him yet but I know I need to, I'm so bad at talking about my feelings although I did chat to him about the time spent as a family unit and that I wasn't happy.
Thanks for all the replays it's all helpful xx

OP posts:

WSM123 · 09/11/2015 22:35

All I can say is talk to him and get the full story.
As for them hanging out - my partner tried that with his ex, she is a nasty piece of work and arranged it so he would be away from me in the pretence of it being good for the kids. I MO it's confusing for the kids they wonder why they can be together one minute and not the next, they should be acting as co-parents not a "family". Others would argue its good for the kids to see them get along, but I think there a better ways to show that.
Good luck

Wdigin2this · 10/11/2015 00:35

I think I'd just let it go for now as perhaps he did introduce you and your child a bit soon, considering the circumstances! Maybe just think of him as a BF, go out with him on dates when/if he doesn't have his DC, but make sure you're not just 'waiting on his phonecall'! Go out and about with your child/family/friends and enjoy life. if it's works between you, great! If he doesn't call/contact you...put it down to, it wasn't meant to be!

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