navigating my way through hormones and being a step parent

[LazySusan11]

I don't know where to start it's such a mine field. Dsd is 12, she needs a lot of sleep because without it she gets really stroppy and pushes every button to start a fight.

No matter what it is I am the bad person, tonight I didn't say a word it wasn't my place to give an opinion dh was handling the situation (attitude related and general back chat) she starts saying how mean I am how she hates our new kitchen and she will hate any new house because it's not where she grew up. She was so rude and really quite nasty, I am so fed up of dealing with the same cycle of crap. She only needs 1 late night for it all to kick off.

We have shared care and see her 3/4 nights a week dh is a very hands on parent and although we've had some Disney issues in the past he is much much better and I tend to keep out of disputes unless dsd is directly rude to me. I just can't do right for doing wrong, doesn't matter what I do I'm an idiot who's horrible. For the record I'm not! We have beauty night, film nights, girl time lunch etc. It seems the more I do for her the less I'm appreciated and I'm so tired of it.

Just needed to get it out really...

Just stop doing so much. Be there and be kind and acknowledge her but after that id leave it and let dp deal with her.

We have a stoppy 11 year old who is really conflicted just now as well as going through puberty. I'm just not getting involved. I'll tell dp when something is upsetting/ frustrating me and let him deal with it. It making my life easier. I'm not her parent. She has a mum and a dad. I'm just there. So I now refuse to cook or clean up after her and her brother. That's dps job.

It's an awkward situation though isn't it? My first thoughts are, this is not solely a lack of sleep problem, it's more a case of she's 12 and the teen hormones are unsettling her (and you)! But, if she's allowed to behave rudely and nastily to you, then she'll continue to do so, so yes butt right out of the situation and let her DF parent her.
I would (and have) reacted to direct rudeness towards me by just saying, 'If you can't speak to/treat me with courtesy, I would rather you didn't speak to me at all!' After that totally disengage from her, and maintain a normal (as you can) routine with the rest of the household. Be coolly polite but offer no conversation, advice or indication that you have, or will accept her unpleasant behaviour! But ensure you're kept in the loop of how your DH is dealing with the situation generally, and her attitude towards you specifically!

It seems the more I do for her the less I'm appreciated - do you think it might be partly that the more you do with her, they more she feels secure with you/takes your relationship for granted, and therefore feels she can be rude? Not entirely a good thing, but not a sign you're getting it all wrong really.

I think if you're present when she's being rude to you it's fair enough to pull her up on things, in as factual and unemotional way as you can. But better still, if your DH's dealing with it, remove yourself completely from the room, so you don't have to hear it. My 12 year old DD can be really stroppy sometimes too if she's not had enough sleep - DH gets it too from her, but I notice that the more she learns to trust him the more she takes her general stroppyness out on him too.

It could be 100% hormones related only. Indeed, my DS was at his worse at 12 and I really wonder where I had gone wrong when he became so rude and unpleasant, but it suddenly got better and is now almost 13 and I have got a rude response from him in months despite me still asking him the same things.

Or it could be that she is fully aware that her dad has changed towards her and believe that it is your influence and doesn't like it.

I had four teenage DSCs some living here and others 3 nights a week = a LOT of hormones! I sympathise. I used to get things like DSC1 I'd ask 'Have you had any lunch? Would like some ... ' DSC1 replies 'Why are you always asking me?' then ignored. I think you just have to make it clear what behaviour or hers is rude right at the time it happens, make it short, snappy, but clear that it doesn't make you feel great.