Long story...dss is almost 23 and he and his lovely gf have been together nearly 5 years. She confided in me two months ago that he has on several occasions done things like strip her naked and pour water over her, lock her in a room, take her phone, leave her in the cold without a key to get in, call her worthless and take all the bedding off the bed so she had nothing to sleep on. I was deeply shocked by this as always been close to him in comparison with dsd. I asked gf whether she had told anyone and she said I was the first. She alluded to dss' mum that something was up and she just stated that her ex (my dh) had cheated on her and tried to knock her down in the car and her son was not brought up by her that way (ie that her son's behaviour is down to my dh). She cannot tell her parents as they will hate my DSS, not surprisingly .
This has all brought back some very bad memories as I left my first husband due to dv, and what dss gf is describing is chillingly familiar ie the "you made me do it", "it was the booze talking" "it won't ever happen again" etc etc.
I'm torn...if it was my son I would talk to him. As a stepmother I can never do the right thing in this scenario. Firstly, my dss does not know that his parents' marriage broke up via multiple cheating episodes by her. Secondly, I don't know if his mother has told my DSS the same pack of lies that she told his girlfriend.
Thirdly, and more seriously, I told my husband all of this the day after my conversation with my DSS gf. He was shocked of course, but seemed to minimise the actions. That upset me of course both because I felt he was being defensive but also because, as a previous victim of DV, I had thought he would understand my reaction. I suggested he try to have a discussion with his son about the ending of his marriage, as his son is now an adult (his daughter already knows) so that it gives him a more balanced impression and invalidates violence as the cause of the divorce. He may have wrongly been given the impression that power is ok in a relationship. My husband agreed it might help and that he would talk to him. I told the gf that she should think very carefully before committing further with my DSS, and to call me even in the middle of the night should she need to. I also told her where the spare key is.
My husband and I have now fallen out about all of this and he is now refusing to talk to his son at all about it and is down the pub now acting like nothing has happened. I feel powerless to help his gf and confused about why my otherwise dh is brushing this under the carpet when he know how devastating dv can be. Help!!