Has anyone been a stepchild? Viewpoints appreciated

[gusting]

I am having great difficulty with my SD (10). She comes to stay with my DP and me every second weekend. In the beginning she was ok with me- chatty, wanting me to do things with her and DP, and we had a great time together.
However since one weekend a few months ago, when her mother turned up on DP's weekend, shouting and swearing at me ( in front of SD), she has turned against me totally. She will hardly utter a civil word, insists that I don't go anywhere with them, if I get in the car to go somewhere with them she says "why is she coming?". It's really hurtful and I am very very upset about it.
It's causing a rift between me and DP, because he doesn't know how to deal with it and is frightened to force the issue in case she says she doesn't want to see him. He tried having a chat with her saying that my presence in his life didn't affect how much he loved her etc. But she seems to have this real resentment/jealousy thing going on about me, and I don't know what to do to alleviate that.
She says when she comes, she wants to spend time with her dad only, not with me. So I purposely organise things for them to go away and do on their own, but still that doesn't seem to help. This weekend I sent them away for a weekend at Center Parcs, which they enjoyed thoroughly, but when they came back, she was still trying to exclude me.
I realise it must be really hard for her, especially with her mother brainwashing her, telling her it's all my fault etc. I just wondered if there were any step children out there who had similar experiences, and who might have an idea on what the best approach for me to take might be. I just HATE the atmosphere when she is there, and I know I probably try too hard with her, but I don't want her to think I don't like her or am not interested in her. I just want to reassure her I am not a threat to her relationship with her dad. Any ideas?

I think its great that you have been mature enough to accept her wishes and have organised stuff for them to do together. I was going to say that she needs to accept that although there will be time for just her and her daddy, you are a part of his life and that there will be times when you go out together. Having said that, once a fortnight isnt a huge amount of time, and honestly for the time being I would let her get on with it, do your own thing.. but perhaps dont spoil her by organising such extravagant trips.. she has to accept that seeing her dad isnt just an excuse to be spoilt, whether that is with or without you. If her dad is as bad as organising stuff as mine was then it wont take her long for her to be asking for you to come out so they can do nice things... but if you continue to spoil her then she will think thats the way it will be if its just her and her dad.

At 10, she is still a child although is probably trying to be a lot more grown up.. the situation certainly wont be helped by her mother.. if you can be paitent and relaxed about things I'm sure she'll want you to be part of things before long.. I know it probably sounds a bit underhand by purposly doing boring things when its just her and her dad but its child logic....

Hope I'm making sense here? If its any help I have been in the stepchild position, and am now facing it from a complete different angle myself. My dp and I are expecting our first little one in 4 months, and since dp's dd found out she has refused to have anything to do with either of us... only we cant really excuse her childish behaviour as she is 15!!!

Hope this helps. Apologies for ramblings.. was just writing things as I thought about them!!

I have to say I totally disagree, by staying at home and letting her get her own way you are allowing this situation to continue.

There is no doubt that this childs mother is causing a lot of the problems but by doing things separately you are giving her some hope that she can come between you and dp.

If she was both of yours you would not allow her to dictate who she spent time with and what she did so you shouldn't now. I agree that it's a delicate situation and obviously her feeling are important but by letting her run your lives I feel you are hurting all of you, including her in the long run.

She obviously loves her dad and won't want to stop coming. You should be united and perhaps even spend small amounts of time doing some things just the two of you so you can get to know each other.

Just because you are there it doesn't mean you have to be at the centre of things but just being around and she will get used to the idea of the two of you together.

I was a stepchild myself and although I loved my step-dad I really wanted my parents back together, I didn't do anything actively to cause problems but deep down it was what I wanted. I am now a step-mum and initially my dh went to school quite often with his ex to pick up ds and he found this very confusing, couldn't understand why mummy and daddy where there together when they weren't together. So now they do things separately (and sometimes his ex allows me to go) and it's much clearer.

We worried intially that he wouldn't want to visit because we were much stricter than his mum but he loves his dad and enjoys being here and I believe feels safer with rules. He is only 5 so it may be different but without being mean I really feel you and dp should be together and united.

i have had several step mothers, ranging from one 20 years my dad's junior, one was a heroin addict, one had 4 children of her own..i could go on...

my best step mothers...

didn't slag off members of our family
didn't try to be a mother figure
gave us space to be with just our dad
didn't try too hard to be liked

she is cross with you because you being with her dad is making her mum angry. is there any way you can talk to her mother? how long have they been seperated? were you involved in the break up?

Can I first say that you sound a wonderful stepmother?

I think continue as you are but have a little contact with her each time, maybe a meal at some point at the same time each weekend? She needs to learn to trust you and I think this will happen over a long period of time, if you give her space and respect her relationship with her father.

Keep your relationship with her consistent and don't push her. I lost contact with my father because my mother bad-mouthed him all the time and I felt I had to be loyal to my mum so I don't think you can be too cautious.

I had a step mother - my father doesn't live in this country so I only saw him about twice a year, say at Christmas or school holidays for a week or so. My mother did bad mouth my father and I was always very torn and guilty if I enjoyed my visits to my father. I would disagree with the poster who said she has to fit around your life in the same was as if she was both of yours. She isn't and only has a limited amount of time with her Dad, but perhaps more low key time with him with some time with you thrown in. Could they do stuff during the day and then come back for a meal with you - watch the Xfactor together for example. Don't try too hard - you know how off putting that is when anyone seems too keen to be liked. You could however do the occassional nice thing - perhaps slightly against Dad. Like produce a box of chocs to eat at night in a conspirital way?

once again - bad spelling

When I was a step child I adored my step father. What I always found hard was not making my dad feel like he wasn't my dad anymore. I used to feel guilty for loving my step dad as much as I did. This wasn't helped by the fact that my mum was quite derogotory towards my dad. My step dad was great in the fact that he recognised I had my dad and he never forced himself on me as a father figure, it just grew that way. I think you've got to remember she is still young and she's got the enormous task of juggling her loyalties to both her mum and dad and it sounds like she's having a hell of a time of it with her mum at the moment. In fact it sounds like her mum is pushing her own insecurities on her which is unfair. I don't agree with the separation in time when she is at home with you and you have to make her understand that you are in her dads life and she will have to accept that. By showing her you are willing to step out of the picture, she will grow to expect that at the slightest whim and believe me, step kids do not always grow up - the worst step kids I've met were grown adults!!!! At the same time its about making her understand that you are not trying to take the place of her mum or take her dad away from her rather than just be another adult in her life to talk to and rely on. Give her time, she'll come round its just a lot for her to go through. I do not envy step parents, I defo think they have the hardest job in the world!!!

Thanks all for your replies. It's really helpful to see it from a stepchild's point of view.
Dizzy- you are right she is cross with me because me being with her Dad makes her Mum angry. She has already told a friend of our's that she is angry with her dad and with me, but that he is her dad so she can't be angry with him- so she's "double" angry with me!
The background is that (and i am not proud of the circs) my DP and I started seeing each other when he was still living at home with his ex, although by all accounts (friends etc too- not just him) things had been pretty awful between them for a number of years. I was a symptom, not the cause of their final split.
Unfortunately the ex has convinced herself that all was perfect before I came along and has told my SD that I "came and took her dad away from THEM, and he just went along with it because he is so weak". So the poor kid doesn't know what to believe, but as most kids do, she is going to believe what her mum tells her, and she is too young to have the ins and outs of it explained to her.
It's all very unfortunate, and she seems to totally mirror her mum's views and feelings which is completely natural. But i am at a loss to know what to do to make things even a little bit better. It also does not help that DP and I are living in the former matrimonial home, where SD has lived with her mum and dad for her whole life. I will always be seen as an imposter! (spelling?)
I think as the common thread seems to suggest, I would be best to play it cool (ie not try too hard), carry on giving her and her Dad some time together alone, but be present for short intervals at each visit, and see how it goes. Hopefully she will learn to trust me in time and as she grows older will start to make her own mind up about me. It might also help if her Mum met someone else....but I have no control over that!!!

what about asking her if she has thought what she would like to get her dad for christmas? you could help her do some kind of surprise thing? ask her if she'd like to go shopping with you for something? or you could help her make something?

you could even see if she needs help getting something for her mum.