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Step-parenting

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Original poster

a decade in.. finally had enough

19 replies

Marilynsbigsister · 24/10/2015 20:45

So, Dh left his ex w 9 1/2 years ago. 4 Dcs (at the time 11, 7 4&3) over the last decade they have been used as Exocet missiles between the two. Long story very short, he left her for me (it is obviously an important part of the dynamic to say this) The only power his ex has ever had is the kids. (The divorce judge went 50/50) however ex has used the kids at every possible eventuality. She is very much 'the mother who always has the kids interest at heart '- this interest seems to be refusing to acknowledge that they are entitled to a relationship with their father. We have been to court three times when she has variously refused contact, tried to take them overseas to live with her new husband (lost) and decided that DH was 'unsafe' for them to be with. (Lost) Throughout he has NEVER missed a weekend or midweek supper except when she has withheld contact. She has now kicked off again. My DH is always shit scared of calling her on it. Scared if he says 'ok, they do what they want to do' that they will not see him. (This relates to,the youngest 2, the eldest 2 jumped ship to us 2 yrs ago and now live with/go to uni with us. ) I have suggested that he send an email saying ' enough! If the Dcs don't want to see me, then they can tell me. I know longer want anything to do with you in relation to the Dcs bar holiday dates and contact if they are ill,' he is prevaricating, really scared she will 'keep' them from contact. They don't want to upset their DM, as obviously she was very upset when eldest two moved to us. For my part I just feel mortified that all of these kids have been caught in the crossfire of their parents dysfunctional relationship. - it may help to know that he left her for me, after realising that she wouldn't give up the OM (who she married last year)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/10/2015 20:48

When you say that you've finally had enough what do you mean?

That you want out of the relationship or you want your dh to call her bluff/stand up to her?

Original poster
Marilynsbigsister · 24/10/2015 21:00

Sorry that bit wasn't clear. I want him to stand up,to her and say ' you can no longer manipulate them'. They come and see me if they want to, don't if they don't, but THEY have to tell me, not you saying they don't want to see me because in 9 yrs, they seem to have enjoyed their time with us'

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/10/2015 21:03

Why is he even communicating with her, they are 13 & 14????

Why does he not text them the morning/night before contact and just ask "okay for tonight/tomorrow?"

I would just complete ignore her emails due to their ages tbh.

BrandNewAndImproved · 24/10/2015 21:05

I think he should just ignore her rantings and pick his dc up when he's supposed to. If she stops contact again say you'll go back to court. She's not going to want that expense and as it's already been proven three times she won't 'win' I doubt she'll try a fourth.

QuiteLikely5 · 24/10/2015 21:05

Just call her bluff. Do not tolerate the emotional blackmail any longer.

She is destroying her own children, although the impact will become clear to her later on.

Stupid selfish woman!

MissMarpleCat · 24/10/2015 21:17

Surely if they're teenagers he can contact them himself and not bother with her.

Morganly · 25/10/2015 00:25

I think it would be a big mistake to do anything of that sort. I understand how difficult this has been for you all but his previous strategy has obviously worked out well for his relationship with the elder two, so why do you think you need to do something so dramatic and possibly catastrophic with the younger two? I think that you, you personally, need to back right off and leave him to manage this his own way and just support him and don't add to to the crap he's already dealing with.

Original poster
Marilynsbigsister · 25/10/2015 06:20

I have no need to 'back off' as I have never been involved except as my DH sounding board and support through court, which as his partner, is completely appropriate .

The latest issue is ; The last contact order was obtained when the youngest were 8&9. The order said children to be made available for contact with their df between 17:30 Friday until 18:00 Sunday. DH is a contractor and has a new job an hour away from ex. He finishes at 17:00 He cannot get to her by 17:30. He arrives at 18:00.
His Dcs live on a direct rail line to us, (3 stops) . They take the train to school. DH has suggested that as he is going to be half an hour late they could get the train to us if DM is inconvenienced by this late arrival. Ex has told him he is breaking terms of the order as he is not there by 17:30 and that he has to collect them and if he is late again they won't be coming. - you couldn't make it up - really the woman is unhinged. The kids are old enough to decide for themselves but DM will make their lives hell. She did this shit to the eldest two until they couldn't stand it anymore and left. She actually said 'if you continue to see him, you can move out '...so they did. This has made the pressure on Dcs even greater. The ex also 'babies ' them so they are incredibly young for their age and not able to stand up for themselves easily. My advice to DH is to ignore and make direct arrangements. He is scared in case she does with hold them and puts kids in middle again. Btw he can't change work hours, they are fixed for duration of the 3month contract. Ex doesn't WOTH . So not an issue about getting to work for ex. Contacting is well paid, this work brings her 3x more than minimum cma so you would think most would support it.

OP posts:
JeffsanArsehole · 25/10/2015 06:46

Just go back to court for a variation in the order from 5.30 til 6.30. I wouldn't even bother arguing with her, the judge is going to think she's a right twat.

RandomMess · 25/10/2015 10:44

Yep go for a variation, I wonder if you could even have it worded that they can either be collected by him, or you or make their way by public transport...

Original poster
Marilynsbigsister · 25/10/2015 14:06

Yes we have decided that we will have to do this . We had hoped to avoid yet another court hearing, cafcass told us last time that judges are reluctant to make orders for children over the age of 12 as the court believe quite rightly that children shouldn't be forces into contact if they don't want it. In our case however, because the kids are being forced to 'choose' seeing their father over their mother being hacked off with them if they do.. It is better to try and take that element of choice off their shoulders as the responsibility to 'make their mother happy' over seeing their dad is really not fair. It would be so much easier if they 'had to come' because the court says so... However, the order doesn't need to be varied according to our solicitor. A contact order (as it then was) states the times between which the mother must make the dcs 'available for contact' . The order says between 17:30 Friday and 18:00 Sunday . This means he could in theory pick them up at anytime after 17:30 meaning 18:00 is fine.. Apparently the judge will not be impressed...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/10/2015 20:25

Is it worth asking your solicitor to write to hers and her directly explaining that the court order is not a dictation that they have be collected at 5.30pm only that is when they have to be available from and it is therefore not unreasonable due to his work for collection to not take place until 6-6.30pm dependent on traffic.

That the solicitor would like confirmation that the threats of stopping contact due to the collection time is inappropriate and the courts will not be impressed if your dh has to apply for a variation due to her threats?

May be enough for her solicitor to tell her to get a grip?

Wdigin2this · 27/10/2015 19:35

What a very sad and misguided woman!! She will reap the rewards of putting her own feelings before those of her DC...it appears to have already started with the older two opting to live with you! Whatever else does, or does not happen, those kids will know their dad never gave up on them!

WSM123 · 27/10/2015 20:24

OH Dear, I feel like this could be me in the future. Very similar scenario with spiteful Ex using the kids as weapons and Dad too scared to do anything in case she withholds visitation. The thing you should cling to is that the older ones have seen through her BS (that gives me hope) and I also agree with those that have said contact the Kids directly, they will know the routine at that age and it will cut out the middle man (If she is like my partners ex she thrives off the conflict)

Original poster
Marilynsbigsister · 27/10/2015 21:12

That's it wsm . It's the drama. The woman has remarried fgs but still can't let it be...I am so proud that he has finally called her on it. Because if you think logically what is going to happen ? A) they move to live with us. B) they decide not to see their DF who they adore and then she has them 24/7 which their step dad will be thrilled.

OP posts:
WSM123 · 27/10/2015 21:43

I really hope my man stands up to his ex one day too (you have given me hope) His kids are still too young to decide for themselves but they will grow up and sniff out the BS.

Wdigin2this · 29/10/2015 00:09

Even though all DC's are grown, in certain circs, if EW says jump...my DH asks how high!

RandomMess · 30/10/2015 09:34

How's it going? Are you due to have the dc this evening?

ZoeConnor85 · 04/11/2015 00:18

You could be describing my DH ex wife here - she rejected SD because she lives with us yet lets everyone
Think she left her mum for nothing and that she's a right little bitch for doing so! These women are absolute cunts!!

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