Different Parenting Views

[Wdigin2this]

I wonder how many will agree with me that, in blended families differences in attitudes to parenting, is one of the most divisive and disruptive influences?
We got together when all our DC were already grown, and now years later, have DC of their own, so we never had any of our DC live with us. However, even after all this time the ONE thing that still causes friction between us is, the fact that he continues to be a 'DisneyDad/Grandad' it's always, 'anything you want, just so I don't have to be the bad guy and say no to you'! He would apply this to my DC if they'd let him, but they were brought up quite strictly and taught to be very independent in every way....that's not to say I haven't helped them when they really needed it, of course I have!
I always thought this aspect of his parenting would mellow and change, but it hasn't, and at the risk of sounding like a 'goody two shoes, who thinks she's just wonderful' (I really don't) even he admits my style of parenting is better for kids than his....I mean, how can DC grow and develop into responsible adults, if they know they only have to hold out their hands and the world is theirs, for ever?!
OK, rant over, but I bet this will divide opinions!

It's not really different parenting views if it's "disney" parenting. If he's frightened of losing his kids and grandkids, he's probably just applying damage limitation, that's not parenting.

My dp will tell anyone he shares my views on parenting. The reality with his own kids isn't always that way though. I clearly remember him agreeing with an article on TV news about chores for kids and how it was good for them. They were aged between 5 and 12 and not one of them even out their socks in the washing basket let alone anything else! ??

Yes I would agree with you! And I would say that after reading these boards, and some of the books out there, that the combination of a Dad who is soft, permissive, 'Disney' parent with a Step Mum who is more structured seems to be the most conflicting situation. Particularly if there are step daughters involved. They seem to be the most stressful for Step Mums.

I'd say it has caused really deep rifts with myself and DP for a number of reasons:

• DP's daughters seeing me as more of a threat, because they have a Dad who doesn't like saying no to them, it's made them feel that they are the number one in his life, that their needs top everyone elses. I also have to step in directly if DSCs treat me or my DC badly - because permissive Dad doesn't - leading to direct resentment of me.
• DP knowing that this isn't always great, being soft with them, and then getting cross with me, and himself, leading to sometimes keeping secrets about how much he gives them, not great for a partnership. It is quite divisive.
• DP doesn't pull up DSC if they are rude to me. Whereas I always pull of my DC if he is rude to DP. Makes excuses for the DSCs rudeness rather than sorting it out which makes me feel like he isn't prepared to protect me.

Gosh that all sounds a bit negative! The other side is that my DP does that because he is unselfish, generous and kind. He's made me bit kinder to my own DC through his example - as I can tend towards the more strict.

And although often his DSCs take advantage or get resentful, I'm hoping that they will also appreciate that he is a kind Dad to them in the future when they are adults. And want him to be happy with a partner!

Bananas...your description is spot on, and yes this combination does seem to be a conflicting problem for many couples! My DH too, is a very generous, giving and kind person, and it's difficult to watch when I see him being taken advantage of!
You're right about DSD's, and although I don't think mine really sees me as a threat as such, she certainly does see herself as a very high priority in DF's life...maybe that's why I'm no threat!!
She and I have had one or two 'situations' where, like you I could not depend on DH to resolve things, so I simply withdrew goodwill, and politely but firmly cut myself off. Things eventually get back on to a more normal footing, but over the years I have been de-entangling myself a little at a time.
I too am fully aware that there are a lot of secrets around how much money DH gives DSD, and something I have often wanted to say to her, even though she's a grown woman is...'Do you actually realise what a wonderful father you have, and if you do, why don't you value and respect him a little more ?'

thegreenhen - that is a good point. 'Disney' parenting isn't parenting. For me it was a bit like, if I was a support teacher called into a class where the main teacher was too scared to discpliine anyone for being out of line, or manage the class!

Wdigin - it's good that the DSDs don't see you as a threat, however I wonder if that is partly because your DH has secretly given money so they still feel that they have that control. They probably don't think of you or your relationship and only theirs in relation to their Dads. Family dynamics can so easily get set up where one person is unfairly taking advantage of another - and this seems a hard one to shift!

I also quite understand wanting to tell DSCs how lucky they are if they have a kind Dad - I've wanted to say that a couple of times, and in a way, what harm?!

Bananas, I have been in DSC's life for many years, as late teens & adults, if anyone of them has ever seen me as a threat, it'd be eldest DSD! But, if she ever did, I don't think she does now, because in all fairness, she has seen me as a confidant, someone to talk to/fix problems/explain stuff over the years. In fact my only real problem with her, (and it's a big one) is that she sees her DF as the great provider...of everything! It seems that as a grown woman and a mum herself, she does not see her role in life as the adult with all that entails, ie provide for/pay her way for herself and her child! There appears to be nothing that can come up in life that she doesn't feel that she can just tell daddy and he'll pay...which he does! I'm fully aware that what I see/hear about is the tip of the iceberg, and she knows full well that I'm not told half of the story (OK, I'll pay, but don't tell Wdigin2this....sort of thing), which maybe gives her a little power/superiority, I certainly feel it's disrespectful?!
Anyway, it's something (the only thing really) which causes a lot of friction between us, because the secrecy is, as you say, divisive.. Anyway, he will not discuss it in a calm non-combatative way, so we either row over it or, more often, it's brushed under the carpet!! Even his other DC remark on how she manipulates him (they don't take advantage in fairness), but mostly it's treated as a sort of family joke, which I resent strongly, on behalf of DH, other DSC and of course my own DC...but there you go, life eh!!!

Wdigin That does sound very fustrating. It sounds like she never grew up! I wonder how your DP would feel if you had an elder son who was constantly asking you for money and making you keep it a secret! Very fustrating. You sound like you have been more than patient!

Oh I have my moments Bananas! Very occasionally I have snooped (for which I make no apology) and made quite shocking discoveries, after which I have distressing meltdowns! But, I've more or less accepted that it'll never change, and the person who gets most upset is me....so I try to switch off and distance myself as much as possible!