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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Normal behaviour from 6yo DSS?

22 replies

kellybee90 · 11/10/2015 09:19

Hi all,

I'm new to posting but I've always found this board a great resource so I'm hoping someone can offer some advice!

For background, I recently married my DP of four years, and he has a son who has just turned 6. My DSS doesn't really remember life without me and we have a lovely relationship with very few problems - he looks upon me as a parenting figure but is well aware I'm not a replacement mum (contact is 50:50, with him Back and forth between both sets of parents, which works really well for him and he doesn't go more than 2 or 3 days at a time without seeing his mum or his dad). I do a weekly school run and am always happy to look after him for the day if DH needs me to (eg if he needs to work the occasional Sunday) although we have a rule that he needs to ask me and not expect me to, which works well! DSS has a great relationship with his mum and stepdad, who also got married earlier this year.

My worry at the moment is the boundaries between my DSS and me and I'm not sure if his behaviour is unusual or not. He's obviously been involved in weddings quite heavily this year, but he has started to become slightly "obsessed" with the idea of marrying me!! I've explained to him that I love him but that it's different to "grown up love". I've also explained that little boys and girls can't get married etc etc but it's gotten to the stage where he's asking me 10+ times a day to marry him! I don't want to get harsh with him and tell him outright to stop because it's quite sweet and it's him expressing love, but I'm conscious of it being deemed as inappropriate by anyone we are around. Also I do want for him to understand why me marrying him is just not possible!

If this is completely normal behaviour then that's fine, I guess I'm just looking to hear from other people in similar situations who may be able to advise! I don't have a lot of experience with children other than my DSS so not sure what's normal and what's not!

OP posts:

PaleBlueDot · 11/10/2015 09:33

"I can't marry you, I am married to your daddy!"

I don't know if it's normal behaviour, I can't imagine my dss (4, 5 and 8) ever saying that, but I don't think it's something I'd be particularly bothered about.

Having said that, the sheer volume of 'proposals' for want of a better expression, would grate on me - having to explain each time would be annoying.

Floppy5885 · 11/10/2015 09:39

Sounds very sweet

Just turn it into a joke. 'Yes marry me, then marry daddy, then marry this lump of cheddar we are eating now, then marry the pet cat. I can just see the cheddar in a wedding dress. How would you put a ring on a block of cheddar?

Floppy5885 · 11/10/2015 09:43

When my kids say they like something I often suggest they marry it and then we often end up having very whacky conversations about how they would marry the item.

whitelisbon · 11/10/2015 09:43

My friends little boy proposed to me when he was about the same age, and I told him that when he was a really big grown up boy, if he still wanted to marry me we'd talk about it then, which seemed to placate him. He's 24 now, and marrying an old duffer like me is the last thing on his mind!

superzero · 11/10/2015 09:47

My own children have gone through this phase but between 3-4.It was just a reflection of them liking me a lot,they also wanted to marry their best male friends ,and their female teachers.They now just talk about marrying girls at school following endless wedding conversations .

Original poster

kellybee90 · 11/10/2015 09:50

Floppy I like the idea of turning it into a joke - I think that would work well for him!

PaleBlue I'm lucky it doesn't grate on me yet because it really only ever happens in the mornings or evenings (so when he's feeling sleepy and affectionate rather than a typical 6yo running around all energetic like he does during the day) so that number of "proposals" is usually only in one or two conversations.

I think I'll just put it down to the fact that he's seen a lot of weddings in a short space of time and we have obviously told him that the reason people get married is because they love each other - so he's probably wondering why his mummy has married someone and his daddy has married someone and nobody has married him!

OP posts:

lostintoys · 11/10/2015 09:50

DS went through this stage at about this age. Obsessed with marrying me, and then distraught when told he couldn't as I am his mother. It was just a phase. It passed.

MascaraAndConverse · 11/10/2015 10:24

Yep. Can totally relate with my DS too. He's 4 and sometimes says he wants to marry me, and he's said in the past that he's my boyfriend.
The marrying thing I thought was really cute and sweet and it just showed that he loves me, but the boyfriend thing I just thought was a bit wrong and I did try to explain that daddy is my boyfriend and he is my son so it's a different kind of love.
Difficult trying to explain these things in a nice way when they're so little!
The joke idea is very good :) I'll have to try that!

pinkprimroses · 11/10/2015 10:51

My DS went through a phase of wanting to marry me at about that age, or possibly a little younger. I told him he couldn't because I was his Mum and he said " but I really love you" He's 15 now and cringes with embarrassment if I remind him off this.

I wouldn't worry about it. Tell him you're his stepmum now, so already family

Original poster

kellybee90 · 11/10/2015 12:47

Oh I fully intend to remind him of it when he's a teenager :) along with the mandatory embarrassing photos and videos!

Great idea about just reminding me he's already family - thanks for all the advice, appreciate it!

OP posts:

Pranmasghost · 11/10/2015 13:03

Just say,"Oh dss we are already married, when I married Daddy I married you too and we became part of the same family."

Picklebird · 11/10/2015 13:17

Gosh. You're massively overthinking this! I have an 8 year old and they say all sorts of nonsense. It's not even worth giving it a second more thought. It's sweet, it's funny, just laugh and cuddle him or tell him you'd like to marry him too.

This is normal behaviour for young children

Tyrannosaurus · 11/10/2015 13:21

Sounds totally normal to me. My DS (8) still says he wants to marry me, although he knows he can't. As you said I think it is just a way of him trying to express how much he loves you, which is lovely.

Wdigin2this · 11/10/2015 13:48

Ignore it or change the subject to something interesting to him....he's 6 don't worry, it'll pass!

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 11/10/2015 14:08

My step daughter got a bit like this when me and DH got married- kept pretending to propose to me!
It has completely been replaced now by a new set of problems
But I think it is just their way of working out where they fit into all this ceremonial stuff.

PesoPenguin · 11/10/2015 17:50

DS is 6 and he doesn't really say this now, but he did up until probably last year. I think all little boys want to marry their mums at some stage as, to them, marriage just means loving someone and living with them, which of course they feel they want to do forever. There's nothing sinister about it.

Your ds's must love you very much and has seen his dad, who also lives you very much, marry you so it follows that he wants to too. Take it as a compliment . I like the idea of saying, "we're already a family" and have said similar to DS.

nf1morethanjustlumpsandbumps · 11/10/2015 17:56

DS said it too he's 8 now and only recently stopped but he is a bit behind developmentally. He now says I'm going to marry someone just like you ... bossy .

StuckByTheRiver · 11/10/2015 17:59

DSD (6) knows girls can get married to other girls so she's marrying me, her mum and her nana

fastdaytears · 11/10/2015 18:02

It sounds normal to me. It also sounds like you have a lovely relationship and you're helping to raise a very sweet little boy.

Just try to get it on video for his 18th birthday.

NZmonkey · 11/10/2015 18:31

DSD is 4 and often tells me she is going to marry me. I think its very cute and just shows how much she loves me.
Sounds like the two of you have a great relationship he must love you very much

Original poster

kellybee90 · 11/10/2015 20:24

Thanks ladies :) he really is the sweetest kid in the world, I'm very blessed to have him in my life!!

OP posts:

slkk · 12/10/2015 23:01

Dss once looked at his dad and said 'are you older than her?' When his dad said he was, dss responded with 'I'll have her when you're dead!'
He was younger than 6 but was convinced he would marry his sister for ages. I think it's perfectly normal, just reply as you do.

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