SD hates me

[Minty68]

I have been with my partner for 3 years and his daughter has suddenly decided that she hates me. I am no longer allowed to be there when she comes to stay every other weekend (I only ever used to be there for part of it because I felt they needed time alone together). She says I haven't made an effort to get to know her and I don't do anything with her. She has barely made eye contact with me in three years. I thought our relationship was a slow burn - we had times when we got on great and laughed together but now all of a sudden I'm the wicked stepmother. I am not married to her father but I love him to bits. She says if I'm there she won't come and see him.

I really feel I'm a scapegoat here. This has all come about just as her mother got re-married (they've been separated/divorced for 10 years) and her boyfriend was about to move away. I think her dad was the one stable thing and I caught her glaring at me as he gave me a kiss hello one evening ... the same evening that she decided she hates me. I am so hurt and so is he but he feels guilty and so he is allowing her to manipulate everything. I feel lonely and pushed out by it and I'm at a loss as to what to do other than step back and be lonely at those times and then enjoy what times we do have together when she's not around.

I have tried texting her saying I'm sorry that she's feeling this way and that I don't want her to feel in any way pushed out by me and what can I do to make things easier for her. Apparently that was 'inappropriate'. I've also tried inviting her to come and do fun things with me and her Dad. She just ignores me and now I've been told that my original text was inappropriate I feel I shouldn't text her again. I have no way of communicating with her because of her stance which her father seems to be supporting even though he tells me I've done nothing wrong and I need to just bide my time.

I feel so upset by the whole thing and completely helpless. Has anyone been in similar situations? She's 16 years old.

minty it's not that unusual for DSC who have close and long-standing relationships with their step parents to suddenly and (apparently) inexplicably reject them.

There often seems to be a "justification" of some kind - such as in your case, where your DSD says you haven't made the effort to get to know her.

It does appear that when this happens, the DCs genuinely can't remember any positive time or experiences with the stepparent. They are convinced that you have been wicked and unpleasant towards them.

The advice I have been given is that this is their subconscious way of coping with the conflicted emotions they have regarding their parents. It is easier for them to emotionally reject, or push away, a stepparent, than it is a parent. By pushing away the stepparent, they don't risk losing the love of a parent, while at the same time, achieve whatever it is they set out to do.

The reasons why vary - it may be to test a parents love, or to defuse conflict between parents - but the end result is the same, several years worth of memories and bonding between child and stepparent are suddenly completely eliminated.

I'm not sure I can give any practical advice - I am no longer a part of my DHs DCs lives, as this happened to me about 2 years ago. ((Hugs)) to you, cos I know how much it hurts

Well, one thing's for sure, your DP will take no risks which may result in his DD refusing to see him! She is in a position of power and knows she can manipulate him, and sadly whatever you've tried to do with/for her will be of no consequence. Her mother has just remarried, and she may interpret this as being emotionally sidelined, so she's not about to let that happen with her DF, so unfortunately....you are now public enemy number one! The only thing you can do, is explain to your DP that you understand this is about his DD going through an an emotionally unstable period, during which she needs him more, then give her all the space she needs. If he has any sense and wants you to stay in his life, he'll use this time to support her but also to let her know that, even though he'll always be there for her, he must...and will have a life of his own!

There are two possibilities. One is that she is a little manipulative minx who decided she wants her dad for herself and is playing him like a matchstick and he is totally falling for it. To be fair, if that is the case, than I would seriously question wanting to move to the next step of commitment as she will always see you as the enemy and things can only get worse.

Or, and much more likely to be the case, she doesn't like you. Now it may be that you mean well but something in the tone of your voice, the look on your face, some things you say are intimidating or controlling and you are not conscious of it. Communicating with teenagers is very confusing and difficult. It's bad enough for parents, let alone the rest of the family.

However, if that is the case, then your OH should have enough respect for you and your relationship to tell you and he should encourage better communication between you rather than telling you not to come around because of her threats.

Surely, the least you deserve is to know why she dislikes you so much, she won't be around you?

Do you and Dp live together? If you do are you being expected to go away when she is there? If so then that is unreasonable.

If you do not live together then it is different. Let her get on with it and step away.

I had a few stepmothers from the age of 10 to my 20's and would generally get on with them. Sometimes they would irritate me and I would ask my father if I could see him on his own. Once I had been given my own space and had time with my father I was usually ok with his partners again.

My advise would be to not text or contact her, let her have her way and use that time to do your own thing. She is 16 and it is a difficult age, once she gets busy with her own social life her issue with you will be forgotten.

Yes I think she does dislike me and has listed her reasons but honestly they are petty. Things like me going on my phone (I do, it's true - usually when I have tried and failed to join in the conversation and feel ignored - no eye contact and being spoken over - my word is nothing and so I butt out and do something else ... or when they choose to watch t.v. without any consultation as to what I would like to watch and they watch something I have no interest in). It might sound rude and I wouldn't do that in polite company but this is as part of every day family life and rather than kick up a fuss I leave them to have their conversation because they are family and make it evident it's not about me or my views and I'm not that fussed about t.v. but do I really have to watch what I don't want to?

Another is about my eating. I have food intolerances. I had been eating so badly and it was making me ill and so I saw a nutritionist and went onto a strict regime of clean eating. Early on in that regime DSD wanted to go for Pizza Hut. There was no way I could do that and so we settled for Greek. It was one occasion and she cited that one occasion as one of her reasons for not liking me.

As I said they are petty reasons and I remain convinced that I am a scapegoat here and that if I hadn't gone on my phone so much and if I happily ate her rubbish food she would still dislike me. It really isn't about me is it? Actually I wish I didn't know her reasons because I always live by the rule that what other people think of me is none of my business.

I said to DP that if I looked there are plenty of things I dislike about DSD too but I choose to focus on the many things that I DO like. I tried to encourage him to get her to do the same. We have had an okay (not close) relationship for three years now. If me going on my phone really offends her that much I won't do it, but she has to know what my reasons for doing it are and give me good reason to stay off it. That's not that unreasonable is it? Doesn't she need to learn that life is about compromise? Doesn't she need to learn that to live harmoniously we have to put aside our differences? She does make a habit of shutting people out who disappoint her in any way, including not holding down a job because one person upset her. She can't go through life doing that.

I have lots of experience with the age group. I teach 16 year olds and generally I can get along with them. I think SouthAmericanCuisine hit the nail on the head. I love her father and if she loves him too we have a starting point of having something in common. I love him enought to try and work at my relationship with her ... but I'm not sure she has the maturity to figure that one out. Oh well. She will grow up eventually.

At least DP gives me lots of reassurance that he loves me and we have plans that extend well into the future. She can disrupt our lives on the weekends she stays with him but not the rest of the time. We're solid. I just hope she comes round eventually.

As I said they are petty reasons
Well I think the issue is right here. They might be petty to you, they are not to her.

If she was looking forward to going to Pizza Hut with her dad, maybe they had even planned it, but then had to settle for food she doesn't care much for, just because there was nothing at all at PH you could have settled for, well, yes, I can totally see how that would have winded up a teenager. It would have done so when I was that age.

You seem to be putting yourself at her level, but you're the adult, she's the grumpy teenager so ultimately, if one has to make more of an effort, you can expect it to be you. You say you don't think she has the maturity to figure it out, of course she doesn't, she is 16. You are the one who has to show maturity and don't put yourself in a rival position to her.

Swingofthings - we were all out together and we had a discussion about where to go and eat. We could have gone to pizza hut and I ate nothing.

When I said she hasn't the maturity, it was an observation rather than a criticism.

I am firmly of the opinion that if it hadn't been about that one meal and me using my phone then it would have been about something else and so whilst I'm willing to listen and address her reasons (nicely, without criticism and yes, as an adult) they are, strictly between us, irrelevent (obviously I wouldn't say that to her). We can all find things we dislike in people and we can all, when we choose, find things we like. She has chosen the path of disliking me and I can't do very much about that.

If she is 16 she is old enough to be able to get along with you. It would be different if you had been unkind or unpleasant to her. However it seems to be down to whether she approves of you. She probably has plenty of relatives, friends parents etc who she does not actively like who she gets along with because this is life. Making this announcement is unreasonable. However it isn't unreasonable for her to spend time alone with her dad too. I would let her get on with it. Don't make further attempts to ingratiate yourself with her. It is highly likely that she will drop the visits to some degree as she gets older and busier. If you do end up living together then this shit will have to stop of course.

The plan is that we will live together. However, I'm not so keen with this looming over us but hopefully it will pass. Yes, I agree she has to have her time with her Dad. In fact at the outset it was me who insisted on that and made sure I wasn't always there. Perhaps the times that I was there were still too much though. Fair enough. I'm happy to give her space. It's just difficult because, for instance on his birthday we would all have gone out together. He doesn't want me not to be there but he doesn't want to upset her by insisting that I am. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place and I really feel for him. I'm certainly not going to make it harder for him by throwing my toys out of the pram although I have been sorely tempted.

Minty, you don't say whether you and DP actually live together, if you do then I can see it's not easy to be out of the house when DSD visits, but I suppose the best thing would be to save up all your errands, visits to friends etc for that time. If you don't live together, simply do your own thing and leave them to it. You're right in saying if it wasn't one thing she dislikes you for, it'd be another because simply put...she doesn't want to like you! Maybe her mother's remarriage coupled with, perhaps a real or perceived shift forward in your relationship with her DF, has made her feel she's losing her position as number one person in her parents life, so she's trying to separate you from her life with her DF! It's all very trying and distressing, but it is for her too, and really it's down to your DP to reassure her that he has room for both of you......or of course, all of this might just boil down to the possibility that she's just a spoiled, entitled princess who is always going to drive a wedge between you! Presumably time will tell!

Oh sorry Minty, I can see from your recent post that you don't yet live together. Well, tbh if I were you, I would hold off taking that step for the foreseeable future, she will at 16, very soon be finding more exiting and absorbing things to do than hating you! The very regular visits and stay overs with her DF will tail off a little, and that's normal, because there will be other people in her life, especially the first serious boyfriend. Stick with it, show up occasionally for a short time when she's there and act supernormally, even when she's starting daggers at you...basically smile, be pleasant and fake it until everyone makes it! Good luck to you!

Wdigin2this - exactly my thoughts.

However, I'm not allowed there when she's there. She has made that decision and he doesn't want to drive her away. There may be situations where, like it or not, she will come into contact with me. I will be pleased to see her (genuinely) and I will do nothing to make her feel uncomfortable. She already had a boyfriend but he moved away at the same time as her mum got married and at the same time as she eyeballed me kissing her father (just a peck on the lips to say hello - nothing sordid). So I think you are spot on about her wanting to keep her number one position with him. And do you know? I get that! I was once her. My Dad remarried when I was 13 and I was devastated. I grew to adore my step mother. The only thing wicked about my step mother was in the urban dictionary sense of the word. She was great. She was my friend and I loved her because she loved my Dad. However DSD knows none of that. If she won't let me near her I can't show her or tell her that I understand.

I'm asking DP to handle it so that eventually, when she's ready, I can see her and show her that it's fine. Nothing has changed. In the meantime I feel a bit miserable about it but I'll be fine.

Oh Minty, I really feel for you, and tbh if you still don't harbour slightly unpleasant thoughts towards her after all this, you're a better person than me! So, you're not even allowed to be just leaving/picking something up etc, when she arrives, and DP is going along with this...in that case she is totally controlling and manipulating the situation, and him...how bloody frustrating for you!!
My DH of many years, still allows his grown up DD to manipulate him in many ways, (mostly financially) but thankfully she has never, (to my knowledge) disliked me!
I don't know what to suggest, other than you keep lines of communication over this open with your DP, try not to allow it to become the norm, as in his life with her and his life with you! His reaction will always be to keep his DD happy and do whatever it takes, (I know this from long experience) but if you are verbally open about how this makes you feel, and what you expect from him/the future, and more importantly what you will and will not tolerate maybe things will improve. But gently gently catches monkey, dont let it look like nagging! God, I hate saying that, but that's men for you!

Thanks Wdigin2this - it feels like you understand. I have been upset about it but am feeling better thanks to his reassurance. There are a few events coming up where ordinarily we would all be together and I'm not sure what will happen. I won't keep being pushed out but that's not up to me, or her actually. That's up to him and how he manages it. I guess I just have to suck it up.

I certainly do understand Minty, I've had decades of an entitled DSD making demands which my DH is powerless to refuse...sorry don't want to alarm you, but time & distancing do makes things easier! As long as he is reassuring you that you are important in his life, and he shows, in deeds that he is trying his best to resolve this situation...that's the most you can ask for!

This is all wrong. You've been together for 3 years, but he doesn't spend anytime with you on his birthday because he is with his daughter who refuses to see you?

Something doesn't ring right. If she doesn't like you and doesn't want to spend time with you, fair enough, they can have their own time together, but for him to use her as an excuse to not see you on his birthday is I think very weak. Surely he could have make times for both and made it clear to her that although he respected her choice not to see you, that he wanted to spend time with you too on his special day.

I could maybe understand if you'd been together for 6 months, but three years and making plans of long term commitment? I am starting to wonder if he isn't the issue rather than her, telling his daughter one thing and you another.

I think the same but hold on because nothing has been decided about his birthday - it's just speculation as to how it could go. He suggested to me that he sees me on his birthday and his DD another day but this upsets me because I know what he really wants is to see us both. As you say, it's her choice if she doesn't want to be around me. It just leaves me feeling a bit guilty and somehow responsible that things aren't tickety boo but I guess that's families for you. I do hope he will point out to her that she is creating the issue because I'd be very happy for her to be there. :-(

Well I would hope he would arrange things so that he spends the am/pm with his daughter and the evening with you. If she doesn't want to be around you, her choice, but she's going to have to understand it can't all be about her! To be honest Minty, I don't think I'd be happy for her to be there, when she so obviously wouldn't want to be, and why do you feel guilty...this situation is not of your making?

Oh that sounds like a difficiult situation. Whether the girl means this or not, it puts quite a pressure on your relationship and is a big 'Keep Away' sign! For the moment at least. It is also painful to be rejected, whether we are 'the adults' or not, it is still painful. I sympathise as this has happened to me, and whilst I have had to be the 'mature one' - I was being the one rejected and so we are left with no other option than to back off.

If I were you OP I'd back off 95% of the time for a while. Leave them to it for 6 months. But not on main events like your DPs birthday, I think it's a bad sign if he starts to separate out everyone all the time, and wil probably want to do something with all the kids and you - a dinner. Then if she wants to do something she should ask, too much pandering to and being exclusive is very rude to you. Talk with your DP and after a time, insist that some of that weekend is spent with you too, even 10%, and then more and more. If you're going to live together at some stage she'll have to get used to you.

I've stayed away when it's been her weekend. He tells her the things we've been doing together so she's under no illusion that she's going to break us up. We're going away this coming weekend and she wants to have my kitten to stay (I need somebody to look after it). I've agreed that she can and she knows she's going to have to see me. Her Dad has assured her that I will be okay with her and so she's agreed. It will be the first time I've seen her since August. I will be nice. I hope it relaxes her enough that she will see me again. It's really not making anyone happy her being like this.

No, it's a horrible atmosphere all round. But it sounds like 'baby steps' with the kitten will help. I have a DSC who has done the same to me, for months avoiding me, but she babysitted last week for us and I think these things will ease it over time. I actually try not to be too 'overly nice' now, which is my default in the past. I'm courteous but I think if you try overly hard to win a step kid back it just puts them off even more.

Ah yes. I took that approach from the outset and have been told I made no effort. It really is a case of damned if you do and damned if you don't. If I ever get the chance I will say I'd like us to be friends but obviously it is her shout. I feel more hopeful of a resolution than I did but not holding my breath just yet.

Well I know that one too! Now I just ask for a bit of respect which means not ignoring me, they don't have to like me. It's too conflicting for my DSCs to be my friend, their loyalties are with their own parents.

Actually, all I want is my time with my partner. I'm happy to leave them to it when it's her weekend. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. I miss him when I don't see him and it's a great reminder of how much I feel for him and so if she was hoping to cause a rift (I don't know whether she was or she wasn't), the opposite is actually true.