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Original poster

Stealing personal items

13 replies

captainproton · 09/10/2015 16:17

Ok, so DSS 14 has been stealing our condoms and leaving them used around his room. It's probably only for his 1-on-1 use but it's disgusting. I went to put his laundry away this morning and found one lying on top of his clothes in the wardrobe.

I took a photo and sent to DH as I am not asking DSS to stop taking them from us. DSS has to go in our room in our personal items to find them. We had quite a few but not many left now. And as I'm pregnant we haven't used them in ages so it's definitely him.

I don't know why DH confronted him on the phone just now before DSS is even home but he's denying it all, saying some really nasty stuff. DH is conveniently at work and won't be home gone 7pm, and it's me and 2 toddlers left to deal with DSS in his foul mood when he arrives.

I'm not really sure how on earth we deal with this, or how DH should at least. DH is going to have a chat this evening with him, he wants me there. I've already told DH I am no longer hunting out dirty laundry or sorting bedding. I'm sick of finding this stuff (and sticky socks). But it's the invasion of privacy that bothers me more, he won't come out with us as a family or even alone with DH so we do sometimes have to leave him alone for an hour or two.

Anyone got any helpful tips?

OP posts:
kellybee90 · 09/10/2015 16:50

This is a tricky one - I don't have much experience dealing with teenagers but I'm sure this has really mortified him, hence why he is denying it. I would suggest buying him a pack to keep in his room, and perhaps printing off some info of any sexual health facilities nearby where he would be able to get some more for free. I'd then have a chat about how if he needs "personal items" he should come to you or his dad and ask rather than stealing and snooping. Teenagers value privacy more than anything so perhaps try to relate to him that you don't go snooping around his things and would appreciate the same from him.

Best to handle it delicately - is a difficult age and whilst normally I wouldn't recommend downplaying stealing from you, he has probably only done this because he was embarrassed to ask in the first place and there was no malicious intent.

If he then ignores your requests in the future, you can be a bit more harsh in your reaction!

kellybee90 · 09/10/2015 16:56

Forgot to add - his dad might also want to talk to him about hygiene and not leaving used condoms in his room! Does he have a small wastebin in his room? If not it might be an idea to get him one and request that he empties it into the main bins himself when it's full - he's probably been hiding in his room in case anyone spotted them elsewhere and he's been trying to hide the fact he's used them. Now it's "out in the open" he has no excuse!!

BlueBlueSea · 09/10/2015 17:37

Having experience of teenage boys, I doubt he is mortified. They tend to just think of themselves and even though they will take your stuff they don't like anyone going near theirs.

Why should you fund him using condoms for wanking? We did buy them for DS (17) when he started seeing his gf as we were not sure if he was comfortable buying them. But I would not have bought them for his personal use, a bit of a waste.

I would suggest that you ban him from your room. Give him the rest of your stash as they will probably have gone past the sell by date by the time you use them again, and tell him that if he wants to use more he buys them. Make sure he has a waste bin in his room.

My rule with washing is that I only wash what is in their washing basket. All the kids have their own in their room. If it is on the floor it does not get washed. Leave his things where they are and get him to put his own clothes away too.

I do agree that is was unfair of your DH to talk to him over the phone and not wait to talk to him when he got home. Going into your personal stuff is not on and that should be made clear.

Original poster
captainproton · 09/10/2015 17:46

Thanks everyone, yes there is a waste bin in his room. But just like when he leaves chewing gum all over his sheets, he can't be bothered to use it. We do have a communal laundry bin but I suppose we could get him one instead.

DSS is home now and I've not said anything and he's had his tea with me and his siblings so I think he is not comfortable kicking off when it's just me here. Thank god.

It will be interesting when DH gets home.

OP posts:
RavenInk · 09/10/2015 18:42

My DSS is terrible with laundry too. I've given up hunting for it so if it's not down to wash it doesn't get washed. We've had to ask him if he has anything to wash as I'll notice I haven't washed anything of his for a while...but I don't particularly like going in to his room. One time he came down with a pile after being badgered in to collecting his dirty clothes off the floor and it ended up being two wash loads in the machine - solely on his clothes!!

As I said, we have to remind him daily about washing and it has got better - I haven't had a two load since.

pinkprimroses · 09/10/2015 19:52

I just tell my DSC when I'm planning to wash bedding and they have to strip the beds and put the bedding in the washing basket. Saves me having to find anything I'd rather not. A personal laundry bin isn't a bad idea either.

Does he rifle through your stuff regularly? If it's only for the condoms, and you don't need them right now, why not hide them well away so he can't find them and hopefully stops looking.

Wdigin2this · 10/10/2015 02:01

Firstly, it's down to his father to enforce the rule about personal privacy, ie he DOES NOT enter your room uninvited...for any reason. I don't know why he needs condoms for personal use either quite frankly...give him a man size box of Kleenex! Secondly, you have to give him his privacy too so, I'd suggest a wash basket that he places just outside his room when he wants the washing done (it'll only get washed if it's in the basket and put outside the door), a waste bin that he empties regularly himself. And lastly, in future leave all his clean laundrey in a neat pile outside his bedroom door, he's more than old enough to put it away himself!

lunar1 · 10/10/2015 06:53

I'd get dh to buy him some of his own. And set some rules about invading privacy and cleaning up. The more practice a teenage boy has putting condoms on the better!!

Wdigin2this · 10/10/2015 13:33

Fair enough Lunar, I take your point!

OutToGetYou · 11/10/2015 23:16

I've never heard of anyone using condoms on themselves. Maybe he could do with some extra guidance on what they're for.
Dss is 14 too and he gets them free from school. He also leaves them lyng around his room (according to DP, I wouldn't know, I avoid his room) but not used in that way, just opened and left on the floor, or having been blown up like a balloon. I expect the properly used ones aren't far in my future.

Dss took a sex toy from my bedside drawer once. His 'punishment', such as it was, was to have to write me a letter of apology. That made him embarrassed.
I'm not aware he's been into our room since but I don't like the thought of him going in my bedside drawer. I struggle with having no space of my own as it is without that.

He really should be told to clear up his own mess, bring his own laundry down, not go in your bedroom. You have to make it a house rule that everyone knocks before they go in and they don't go in without asking first if noone is in there. This applies to the smaller ones and you going into his room too. Once you have a teen that's just the way it has to be I'm afraid.

ImperialBlether · 11/10/2015 23:19

Are you sure there hasn't been a girl involved?

Original poster
captainproton · 12/10/2015 13:53

He fessed up in the end, after denying all knowledge and acting like we were demonising him, blaming him for something he hadn't done. He was pretty vitriolic saying all sorts of unpleasant things.

DH stood firm and ignored 99% of the abuse. DSS came downstairs after sulking and apologised. I'm not really sure what the punishment was, I think it involved having to do some babysitting whilst DH could crack on with chores. I was not well during weekend so rested up. We find babysitting, as in playing with and amusing his siblings is about the only 'chore' we can trust him with as he does do a good job. Normally we never make him look after the kids.

Extremely unlikely another person was involved (doubtful a girl tbh but yes even so condoms essential). We just live too far for anyone to pop over in the 60-90 mins he gets left alone, when we go to church or nip to the shops.

Door knocking etc is already in place, when he stays EOW though I do put his laundry away because if I left it outside his door the toddlers would be messing with it. If I try to leave it on his bed it just gets mixed in with dirty stuff, his room is a tip. I'll just have to find somewhere to store it in the meantime once clean.

OP posts:
wallywobbles · 10/11/2015 05:53

Honestly at 14 he should learn how to do his own washing. Obviously he would then learn the consequences of his habits.

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