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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband ogling adult step daughter

68 replies

FireExitSquad · 06/10/2015 11:45

Hi, I am in such a dilemma - I don't know what to do or whether I am over-reacting...
I married my husband a year ago, been with him a total of 5 years. I have children from a previous relationship (aged 18, 15, 14). My daughter is 18 and I have caught my husband ogling her - looking her up and down, staring at her etc. Now, this isn't a new thing - I thought I had noticed it before, but when I looked at my husband to catch him, he always looked away.
When my husband and daughter chat, my husband puts on a fake fecking laugh and thinks everything she says is funny?! Which it isnt btw lol!
At the weekend just passed, we were all having lunch round the table and I blatantly caught my husband having a good stare at her. And I am not talking about a few seconds looking, I am talking about minutes!
I was raging mad but I waited until all the kids were out of the way to speak to my husband about it. He completely denied looking/starting at her! What the heck do I do? What would you do?
To add in a curve ball, I am currently 7 months pregnant.
Please, I am desperate for advice. Thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:

Couldashouldawoulda · 07/10/2015 17:57

I've been thinking about this thread, and think all the LTBs upthread are premature - divorcing the father of your unborn child over him just looking at someone a few times would be pretty extreme. I also know what it's like when you're heavily pregnant. It made me feel very insecure, and things bothered me that normally I would have shrugged off. I can see that this is a very difficult situation. There's a no doubt attractive, much younger version of you around, and I can imagine that like many stepfathers, your husband is finding it difficult to ignore her charms. After all, he's attracted to you, and she will look similar. However, although he can't help that, he most certainly can and must control his behaviour, if your family is to remain intact. It's in your unborn baby's best interests to try and tackle this, instead of just leaving him without further ado, if he's otherwise basically a decent bloke. You need to have a rather tricky conversation with your daughter first, to work out whether he's done anything to make her feel uncomfortable. If so, that will be a big red flag. If not, and it's just a few looks that only you may have noticed, I think you need to pull him up on his behaviour in a big way, explaining that it is embarrassing, pathetic and extremely inappropriate, and it must not continue. Then keep an eye on the situation to see if he takes on board what you've said. Just my thoughts, anyway.

Original poster

FireExitSquad · 08/10/2015 14:02

Couldashouldawoulda - thank you for a very thought provoking reply.
I spoke to my husband at length about what has happened. He said he does not remember staring at her, but added if he did stare at her, then he will apologise to dd for it as he meant no harm by it. He said there was no intention to make her feel uncomfortable, if that is what he has done (I have not spoken to dd about this yet as she has been working).
I feel that after a few days of being very angry and upset about the whole situation, that I am calm enough to think a bit more rationally about this.
My rational thoughts are that dh is a people pleaser. For example, will bend over backwards if asked to do something for someone. He tries to please people so hard that sometimes, its very bloody annoying! I have spoken to him before about staring at his own son, and at times, me. He said he tries really hard not to stare but says he has no memory of doing it. His own mother has even commented on his blank staring.

Maybe you are right CouldaWouldaShoulda - I have been very temperamental since being pregnant and things that don't normally bother me, have been.
However, my husband says that he doesn't know how to engage with ddetc and finds that their relationship is strained at best. Note that dh gets in great with ds2 and is like a 2nd father to him. With ds1, he has an average relationship.
I have asked dh to leave but I am still in two minds whether I have blown the situation out of proportion. What if he has a medical condition causing this? What if he does indeed have no memory of staring? I am sure MN'ers will give their opinion on that.

And yes, apart from all this, he is otherwise a good man, loving, kind and attentive. I do not want to end a marriage based on something that I may have mis-interprested due to hormones.
Last point - if dd has indeed noticed dh staring and it has made her uncomfortable etc, then it will be the end of the marriage without a doubt.

OP posts:

SouthAmericanCuisine · 08/10/2015 19:13

I have spoken to him before about staring at his own son, and at times, me. He said he tries really hard not to stare but says he has no memory of doing it. His own mother has even commented on his blank staring.

That's a pretty big drip feed, OP.

If your DH does indeed stare at other people, including his mum and his son, then it puts a totally different context on his staring at your DD.

Your DD is not the sole subject of his attention, which significantly reduces the likelihood that his motive is sexual.

Did you not to to mention that fact that your DH staring is a known problem in your OP?

SionnachDana · 08/10/2015 20:00

Seems like you just want to forget about it all.

Talk to your daughter and ask her if she was made to feel uncomfortable by it.

Him ''not meaning any harm'' would be a dollar short and a day too late if she did feel uncomfortable. Even if she hadn't noticed, which I find unlikely, I was always able to sense when somebody was 'taking me in' so to speak, he should have wound his neck in.

I suspect it's not hormones making you crazy, it's a poster has given you 'permission' to let it go.

SurlyCue · 08/10/2015 20:09

Well i can tell you now that if i thought my partner capable of sleazing over anyone let alone my child the relationship would be over. Whether he was guilty or not, the fact that i didnt trust him and thought him capable would be proof the relationship was done.

Seriouslyffs · 08/10/2015 22:13

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 09/10/2015 00:37

Sorry, but bollocks to what HE says.

It's your DD you should be speaking to.

leghoul · 09/10/2015 01:18

Erm. I wouldn't ask him to leave over this, if you're not even sure if he's staring or blank gawping into space. It's a rather extreme reaction. But by all means ask him to leave if you want. Maybe you're looking for an "out"?

WSM123 · 09/10/2015 04:17

She will know something is off even if she isn't sure exactly what it is. I think maybe you should have a talk with her and let her know you are on her side and see what she says, you might be surprised/shocked to hear her side of it but she has to be comfortable/safe talking to you to really open up so try to hide your horror (teenage girls put everything on themselves so might feel like its her fault)

hebihebi · 09/10/2015 04:52

This is such a strange thread. Your daughter doesn't live with you so is perfectly safe. I don't understand why you didn't talk to her first.

Minikievs · 09/10/2015 07:16

"Looking her up and down" as per your OP is not the same as "blank staring" in your last post. Which is it?

PrimalLass · 09/10/2015 07:51

My DS told me to stop staring at him the other day. But I was just daydreaming about something random.

I think you have blown this out of proportion.

Original poster

FireExitSquad · 09/10/2015 09:09

Sorry for the drip feed - trying to put relevent info on while at work : /

When I first posted, I was very angry. But have since calmed down, thus my thinking is more rational and thought out. Add into that, baby brain....

OP posts:

leghoul · 09/10/2015 10:49

You're either more rational, less insecure and hypersensitive -

you're trying to brush it under the carpet and minimise how much it has bothered you and potentially made her very uncomfortable

it's hard to tell but I hope you know you don't need a reason to leave if you want to, and yes you'd be right to be very concerned if he was ogling her and put a stop to it - but maybe it's more about how you are feeling in your relationship with him, than the actual situation that's presented?

Or maybe he is doing this, but this doesn't fit with what you need from him and with your expectations of life with him so it's being downplayed, cognitive dissonance style.

It's fine to do nothing, IF you are sure your daughter's okay and not harmed or uncomfortable, going by what you've said here. Good luck OP hope baby's arrival goes well and you can work this out

Wdigin2this · 09/10/2015 12:08

Years ago I knew of a woman who had remarried when her daughter was youngish. She later had a son by this man, and during and after the pregnancy she thought she saw him looking at her daughter oddly. It went on for a while, but she put it down to imagination and got on with her life! Many years later, her daughter by then in her 20's eventually told her that the SF had, over a number of years, made suggestions, touched her inappropriately, and used unseemly language when they were alone in the house etc! The daughter said she had not wanted to 'rock her mother's boat' by saying anything, but that her teenage years were awful, she left to go to Uni at 18 and has never come back permanently, she assured her mother that things had never gone beyond that stage....but obviously the damage was done! The irony of the situation is that, few years later the woman divorced her husband because he was behaving inappropriately with the babysitter!!!!
I suppose the moral is, that...there's no smoke without fire!

SionnachDana · 09/10/2015 19:14

Have you talked to your daughter?!
You can't be rational on her behalf. It would be up to her to be the judge of whether or not your h's ogling had been noticeable or made her feel uncomfortable.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 09/10/2015 20:10

You didn't speak to your dd about this yet?

Minty68 · 09/10/2015 20:20

Anastie I hope you are okay. Please speak to your daughter. If he has in any way violated her he will probably have made awful threats in case she tells anyone as well (I speak from experience) and she may not feel open to telling you. I think you are right to just get rid. It is not the behaviour of a well adjusted mature man to stare openly at 18 year old girls. I really feel for you.

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