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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband ogling adult step daughter

68 replies

FireExitSquad · 06/10/2015 11:45

Hi, I am in such a dilemma - I don't know what to do or whether I am over-reacting...
I married my husband a year ago, been with him a total of 5 years. I have children from a previous relationship (aged 18, 15, 14). My daughter is 18 and I have caught my husband ogling her - looking her up and down, staring at her etc. Now, this isn't a new thing - I thought I had noticed it before, but when I looked at my husband to catch him, he always looked away.
When my husband and daughter chat, my husband puts on a fake fecking laugh and thinks everything she says is funny?! Which it isnt btw lol!
At the weekend just passed, we were all having lunch round the table and I blatantly caught my husband having a good stare at her. And I am not talking about a few seconds looking, I am talking about minutes!
I was raging mad but I waited until all the kids were out of the way to speak to my husband about it. He completely denied looking/starting at her! What the heck do I do? What would you do?
To add in a curve ball, I am currently 7 months pregnant.
Please, I am desperate for advice. Thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 06/10/2015 12:56

I'm just confused because I can't imagine my DH ogling anyone.

If you are confused by the fact there is more than one man in the world, maybe you should get help with that before posting?

Original poster
FireExitSquad · 06/10/2015 12:59

Seriouslyffs : No, I have nothing concrete apart from me seeing husband staring/ogling my daughter. I am not really alluding to anything about surgery 18 months ago - thats when the staring started/i thought i noticed staring. I posted my problem looking for advice, not to be put down and insulted. So if the post is irritating you so much, please don't reply to it as you are not being helpful.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 06/10/2015 13:03

I have nothing concrete apart from me seeing husband staring/ogling my daughter.

Just remember that that is concrete.

You know what you saw.

People like to tell women they imagine this stuff, but they don't.

If you saw your husband ogling your teenage daughter, then it happened.

And that was with you in the room.

It must be awful to have to face this, but you must.

Your first baby needs you to put her first now.

Seriouslyffs · 06/10/2015 13:03

bathtime
Sigh
I'm very aware that men ogle, but assuming the OP didn't win her husband in a raffle, in fact she married him quite recently and got pregnant after she suspected something awry. I'm frustrated that she's posting here rather than talking to him. Or at their first date either saying 'oi, don't stare' or dumping him.

Seriouslyffs · 06/10/2015 13:05

Aargh. So what did you say when you saw him looking inappropriately? 18 months ago

Original poster
FireExitSquad · 06/10/2015 13:07

GoggiGiYah: Omg, thats terrible for you and your sister. And very brave of you to share your story. Thats the last thing i want is for my daughter to resent me for not protecting her.
I think I will have to have a chat with her.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 06/10/2015 13:07

I'm frustrated that she's posting here rather than talking to him. Or at their first date either saying 'oi, don't stare' or dumping him.

Are you for fucking real?

An 18 year girl is being ogled (at the very least) by her stepfather, her mother is trying to figure out what to do, and you want to whine about how it all makes you feel?

Seriously?

BathtimeFunkster · 06/10/2015 13:09

I think I will have to have a chat with her.

Get rid of him first.

As long as he is living in her home, she is not going to feel she can be completely honest.

Deathtomoonsand · 06/10/2015 13:10

So, seriouslyffs you think that the op should be talking to her dh?

What does that conversation look like? To what end? Would you expect honest answers to those difficult questions? If not, then what is the point?

I share your view that it is very late in the day to be facing up to this but that is the situation as it is now. It's not wise to career down the wrong path because you should have took a different route earlier.

Seriouslyffs · 06/10/2015 13:15

Bathtime that was my clumsy way of explaining why I'm making this point.
OP hasn't explained why she's kicking him out. If he's a pervy letch who sizes women up constantly, then of course it's obvious what's going on. If there's been no indication before (although the drip fed 18 month scenario suggests there is) then there are many reasons the husband might be so attentive. I suspect there is something dodgy going on and the OP needs to face up to it.

scatterthenuns · 06/10/2015 13:15

I never say LTB, but fuck - not only is he a pervy old man, ogling 18 year olds, but he is ogling your daughter? What kind of sick, mother-daughter fantasies has he got going on there then? What type of porn is he watching?

And how deluded and arrogant to think she'd luck twice at him?

Run a fucking mile from this creepy, sad bastard.

iamanintrovert · 06/10/2015 13:16

Red flags everywhere here. Is it possible something happened 18 months ago, ie sexual abuse whilst you were in hospital? Could you try and open up conversations with your daughter in case she wants to share anything?

lunar1 · 06/10/2015 13:17

You are doing the right thing getting rid, it would be completely inappropriate for your dd to have to live with him now.

Deathtomoonsand · 06/10/2015 13:22

The OP says in her first post that the ogling was not a new thing. That's not a drip feed.

Original poster
FireExitSquad · 06/10/2015 13:28

Once I put my husband out and my daughter feels safe, then I will open conversation with her.
I must add that my daughter moved out to live with her bf for a few months and came back to live with us (before my surgery) and is now living with her flatmate a few miles away. So catching him staring was hard as she doesnt live with us anymore. When she lived with us, she worked a lot, had a social life and stayed out with friends and spent time in her room so dh and dd didnt mix very much at the time.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 06/10/2015 13:30

Deathto
I'd say,'you were really staring at DD over lunch yesterday.' And he'd either say,'oh shit, was I- she'd been down last week and I was thinking how much happier she seems' or get embarrassed or angry, she'll
know. But it sounds as though she knows anyway, so my observations which were in response to her OP,
"I don't know what to do or whether I am over-reacting"; everyone else has jumped straight into kick him out and I was trying to help her gauge whether she was over reacting.
Happy bathtime or are only pitchfork wavers allowed to post?

Original poster
FireExitSquad · 06/10/2015 13:32

My gut instinct is that there has been no sexual contact as I know my daughter well enough to know when something is really wrong with her. She is a very feisty young lady and wont put up with anyone doing anything to upset her.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 06/10/2015 13:33

Good.

BoldFox · 06/10/2015 13:37

That is dreadful. A better man would have trained himself to be blind to a teenage step daughter. Or a step daughter of any age. He has got to feel paternal towards her and clearly he's enjoying looking at her, and not talking himself down off his lechy ledge there.

Even if I was certain my dd wasn't in any danger, I'd be so revolted by that behaviour....... I couldn't continue. To see an adult man, husband, ogle my daughter, I wouldn't be able for that.

HormonalHeap · 06/10/2015 15:19

I am also re-married with an 18 year old daughter. Here is what I consider to be normal - my husband always says how beautiful she is, and it makes me feel happy and proud. He feels protective of her and rolls his eyes when she wears something revealing. He's known her since she was 9 and definitely thinks of her as a child, even though she isn't any more. If she walked in the room wearing just a thong and bra (it's happened..) of course he's stare, as in "now look at her!" He feels paternal to her.

Op go with your gut. i would be asking my dd if he ever makes her feel uncomfortable, and she will give you your answer. When you ask her, watch her very closely and tell her that the only thing important to you is her telling you the truth. I say this as the friend of someone who's dd was abused by her step father. It had been going on for years but the girl said nothing because she didn't want to mess up her mother's life. This is an extreme example and I'm NOT suggesting your dd is being abused- just wanted to show you how kids can sometimes think.

BoldFox · 06/10/2015 16:16

Yeh, Hormonal Leap. I think a rational decent man just goes with the paternal protective part of his brain and overrides any cave man side.

Waltermittythesequel · 06/10/2015 18:42

Seriously if the thread is bothering you that much perhaps you should step away from it?

OP I'm sorry you're dealing with this but you're absolutely right to get rid of him. Hope your dd is ok.

Wdigin2this · 06/10/2015 23:32

OMGoodness, what a dreadful situation! Whether you decide to leave him or not depends on whether you really feel you're right in your suspicions, and I think hard as it may be, your DD needs to be asked, a) if he makes her feel uncomfortable, and b) did anything happen while you were away from home? It would be better coming from another female relative or friend of yours, and probably best if your name doesn't come into the conversation. Then if she says yes to either/both questions you have to act accordingly...but i think you already know the answer!

mrstweefromtweesville · 06/10/2015 23:43

This is creepy and your duty is to protect your children, not your dh.
Get him out of the house and allow supervised contact only with your younger children. Your daughter does not need to see him at all.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 07/10/2015 07:27

Your DD lived with her boyfriend before you had surgery 18 months ago?
If she's 18 now, that would have made her just 16 years old at the time, wouldn't it?