Buying clothes etc for stepchildren

[Fianceechickie]

Just wondered what other step-parents do about buying clothes, shoes etc for stepchildren especially as they get older? My DH's policy (which he is wedded to) is to buy our DSD (10) and DSS (8) everything they need at our house so they bring nothing at all from their mum's. They have clothes, shoes, books, gadgets. They could literally move in tomorrow and it would make no difference. As they get older this is getting more expensive...my DSD is the size of a 12 yr old already and growing fast and they are obviously getting more conscious of what clothes they have (latest Nike footie boots etc). The topic is not up for discussion in our house and causes a row at the merest mention. AIBU to think its getting a bit much? We pay a lot of child maintenance to their mum so it feels like we're paying to bring them up twice over....

I'm not sure I agree with that, SAC. If my DH had done that, my DSC wouldn't have even visited our home town (~50mins away) let alone come to our home. The children are negatively affected by their mother's hostility but we also provide a safe haven from it. The transition from her house to ours is difficult, although is improving with collections now being after school so no interference from mum. The time they spend with us, though, is calm and relaxed and not fraught with these anxieties. Little things crop up now and again, so DH and I soothe and offer reassurance. We remind them they are allowed to be happy here, they are allowed to follow our rules in our home and we consider it their home too. The decision on how much they choose to integrate is theirs but we make sure they know it is their choice and that while we understand their mother does not like it, she doesn't make the rules in our house so they are free to choose. Seems to be working so far.

we make sure they know it is their choice and that while we understand their mother does not like it, she doesn't make the rules in our house so they are free to choose

It's good that your DCs mum hasn't escalated her dislike into abuse, but, depending in the way in which your DSC react to the situation as they get older, things may change.

Some teens, once they become aware of their parents dislike of their relationship with the other, will endeavour to change their parents mind, arguing with them in order to secure that parents approval of the relationship. They want their parent to approve of their choice, and will try and pursuade the hostile parent that they are wrong.

That can in turn, create an escalation in the hostile parents response - leading to far greater sanctions and abuse if the DCs choose their own path.

Other teens seem more accepting, and seem to learn to keep quiet about the parent who is disapproved of; they don't seem to need the hostile parents validation in the same way.

Actually, she has. We are on the verge of transfer of residence. It's pretty horrific really.

Sorry to hear that bellemere - change of residency is often the only solution in those situations, but all to often, it is unachievable.

SAC - sadly I have the opposite, where my 3 DSs are made so unwelcome in their fathers' home - my opinion is irrelevant. To them it is her home, they do not even consider it is where their DF lives - not sure where they think he lives.

My eldest DS did ask me one day if I liked Dad's new partner and that she thought we should all be friends. It was one of those moments where you take a breath and have to decide whether you lie to your child or are honest.

My response was more about asking whether he liked her than my views, but he wanted an answer. The eldest DS is forming his opinion, based on her behaviour, the younger ones are sadly gaining the comprehension of the eldest without any input from. me.

I am not hostile, just avoid her as a subject unless they bring it up. I really have better things to do in my life than worry about her.

My DSC often come to us with clothes too small or very dirty and worn, therefore we do have quite a lot of their belongings here with us. In the past we have sent bits home and we never see them again so decided if we buy it we keep it here, they wear them all weekend and I wash and send them home in the clothes they arrived in. May seem trivial- but my daughter who lives with us has lovely clean clothes, so why shouldn't they...