Buying clothes etc for stepchildren

[Fianceechickie]

Just wondered what other step-parents do about buying clothes, shoes etc for stepchildren especially as they get older? My DH's policy (which he is wedded to) is to buy our DSD (10) and DSS (8) everything they need at our house so they bring nothing at all from their mum's. They have clothes, shoes, books, gadgets. They could literally move in tomorrow and it would make no difference. As they get older this is getting more expensive...my DSD is the size of a 12 yr old already and growing fast and they are obviously getting more conscious of what clothes they have (latest Nike footie boots etc). The topic is not up for discussion in our house and causes a row at the merest mention. AIBU to think its getting a bit much? We pay a lot of child maintenance to their mum so it feels like we're paying to bring them up twice over....

Marilyn that's a fabulous post! I've tried to express the "but it's not actually their home" argument many times over the years, but have failed to do it as eloquently as you just did. It might indeed be "nice" or "conscience-easing" to say it's their home, but as you point out, it's mathematically untrue. It's quite possible to ensure a child who stays EOW is made welcome etc, but I know from my own experience with DSS, he quite happily accepted that he lived with his mum, and visited his dad EOW. That's the reality of the situation, and we would probably confused him if we'd gone down the carrot/parsnip route.

I tend to disagree Petal and Marilyn...I think so far, DSS views our house as his home as much as he does his mum's, even though he's only here EOwknd. He calls it home, at least. I think it's a different type of home, where he lives a different part of his life and identity, but still a home.

I don't think having certain stuff or all your stuff in one house or another has that much to do with whether it feels like home or not. I think it is to do with how you are treated and how you feel when you are there, which can't be boiled down to a formula.

I also think its not right or wrong for DSC to feel like they have one home or two , there are so many different ways blended families can work successfully (or not).

That's my experience too riverboat. Also, it's just a label - who cares?

Whilst I agree that it's "just a label", if the OP's DH is deliberately choosing the wrong label in order to justify his actions, then I can see why the OP is frustrated. If all these duplicate items can be easily afforded, that's not so bad, (you've got to pick your battles) but if household finances are being stretched because he's pretending to be a full-time dad, then this needs tackling.

DSS always benefited from his 'visitor' status - it was never suggested by anyone that our house was his home, but when he visited he was 'a special guest' - no chores, no routines, no discipline, no reality - but solid gold Disney treatment and every gadget money could buy.

Drove me mad at the time, but I have a good relationship with him these days!

As a child I stayed with my grandparents every weekend and a lot of the holidays. I had my own room with some of my own things. It still wasn't my home though! It was Nan and grandads house.

And I much preferred it there to my "main" home.

petal you are very kind. My rant is borne of experience, just less than over a decade of nonsense. We have 8 children from my dh three marriages. 30, 20,18, 18, 16 13, 13, 13 yrs. the eldest has never lived with us. 3 are mine from from first marriage. 4 his. Two of his live with us. 1 is at uni so only part time now as are two of mine. So for 5 of our children this is their home. My dh left their mother when they were very young. They have visited EOW until they could leave their mothers home as young teens. Until that point, they lived at home with their mother. The younger two still live at home with their mother. My dh refers to our home as their home but it actually ISNT. !! It drives me bonkers. He wants it to be, he'd like it to be , but when you have all your stuff, LIVE there eat there, go to school there, have your friends back for sleepovers/parties there, then sorry, but that is your home and no amount of wishing by nrp is going to make it otherwise !. They VISIT us, hopefully, to a place they feel comfortable and relaxed and above all, very very welcome, but that does not make it 'home'. The only time this can really be achieved is with true 50:50 shared care, even then in their hearts they will know that only one of those places is home.

Wow! South American Cuisine! You are making a lot of assumptions about my situation! I have a fantastic relationship with my DSCs and I would never dictate to my husband. We have joint finances to which I contribute more because he left his marriage with nothing and has to pay child maintenance. We don't have much money for various reasons I won't go into here...

we have everything separate because if we didn't anything that goes home never comes back. But in saying that they are with us every second weekend so have a pair of pJs couple of pairs of pants couple of Tshirts etc not entire wardrobes. and the toys they have are sports/outdoors type stuff because we are more outdoorsy than their mother

Fiancee seems to have had her thread hijacked by the labelling police! (FWIW I get the "it isn't home" argument, but I'm afraid I don't agree).

Anyway, back to the clothing issue! My dsc initially came in their own clothes, but were always dressed in what looked like the charity shop pile. DSS would have his jeans flapping about his calves and toes poking through broken crocs, DSD was similarly scruffy. I personally don't have an issue with scruffy children, but DH assured me that they would NEVER leave the house in anything less than perfect attire with their mother so it felt like a purposeful slight. The very first contact after DH announced our engagement the clothing was limited to whatever they were standing up in and he had to send reams of emails to persuade her not to send them barefoot!!
I am happy to provide clothing for the dsc - it gives me a little connection with them, especially with DSD. I usually get as much as I can via eBay/hand-me-downs and then we will have a little outing for a few special items. Sadly if the dsc wear the special items home they are often "lost". We have to provide shoes/wellies so intend to get generic converse type trainers/green wellies that they can pass down. We simply cannot afford for them to have an entire designer wardrobe that they will wear a few times before growing out of it all.
Regarding stuff like toys etc, they keep all of their pressies etc here and have decorated their rooms so they have a proper full-of-plastic-tat feel that most children have in their full-time homes. They used to bring their tablets from their mother's house during longer stays, but we had to stop that when we found out the dsc had been asked to "take lots of photos of daddy's house".
It is difficult getting the balance right. I remember tipping up at my dads house with a suitcase and having to sleep on a camp-bed in his dining room. It has never felt like home, although I feel very much at home there - if you know what I mean!

OP it sounds like it is just about the balance. My DC always brings everything with him to his Dad's and only 2/3rds come back - which is annoying. He doesn't have his own room there either.

My DSC have their own big lovely rooms at our house, we have playstations etc here for kids to share and they bring their laptops. The kids never bought their own clothes to change into, so we have a stash of clothes here. But we wouldn't be getting two sets of expensive trainers etc - sounds like your DH has gone too far.

I also disagree that either parent has to 'butt out' of finances etc or how we deal with each other's children. Again, I think there is a balance - there will always be differences - I let my DC do things differently to DH and his kids - but once you are a couple with a shared house - then you at least have to be working as a 'team' and that does mean not just doing what we've always done. So you DP should be listening to you, it's not just 'his business', it's both of yours. For DSCs to feel at home - I believe it's not just about the material things - it's whether the new step parent is also an accept part of the household and there is some harmony with everyone. If that means they get a couple of less pairs of trainers but the step parent feels like she is part of the 'team' then that will help relationships all around, don't you think?

I think you are right about balance...as are the posters who have talked about things changing as they grow. We did manage to have a conversation on Saturday about how it may be best to try and agree with their mum that they start to bring at least some things from her house (and maybe also that we buy stuff that they can take there) and he seemed to be starting to accept it although saying that his ex would almost certainly not cooperate. They have a dreadful relationship unfortunately and it reared its head again Sunday...she is incredibly hard to deal with, everything is a battle so this has just reconfirmed to him that we will still have to provide everything as she will give us nothing. To be fair to him, he may be right. She wouldn't give us any holiday stuff for them...flip flops etc even though she had just come back from her hols with them and they would only be used once and said we had to buy our own. She will sometimes let the children bring stuff if they ask her but that hardly ever happens since they have everything here. Apparently, she did used to send stuff when they first split up but he said he didn't want it. I'm guessing trying to change our policy now would cause a massive argument. There's been times in the past when we have argued that x or y should be covered by the maintenance we pay and she says our money only cover a fraction of the cost of bringing them up and isn't significant so we need to contribute more. She also resents my DH getting a discount on his maintenance because I have my DS living with us. She claims she is supporting him. She buys them the earth at her house...I can take my DSD to Marks and she will show me all the new season stuff she has at her mums. She also has an ipad, laptop, ipod touch, xbox and wii.

I feel like I'm going to get nowhere with the issue now. We really need every penny we can to do up our house...I've had no carpet on our bedroom floor for two years. Seems so unfair that my DH left the marriage with nothing and had to start again whilst encumbered with bringing up his kids twice over. Its his decision to do it this way but having no money makes him miserable and he feels guilty about not being able to bring more to the table so to speak (even though I always contradict him in this).

Thanks everyone...there's a lot of food for thought here in terms of how I can put things to him and try to create a compromise. Its useful knowing the range of ways others deal with it. I just wish his ex was more reasonable!!!

I can understand that frustration, my DH was in a similar situation. Some battles aren't worth fighting and this is probably one of them.

If the ex is not reasonable then you may have an uphill battle until the children are old enough to pack for themselves between homes.
My brother's wife and her ex husband do 50/50 and they mostly hate all the clothes. There is no maintenance issue as they both have equal financial responsibility or the children. My Sil buys the bulk I their clothes, but she is the one that receives child benefit so she feel that it is only fair. Their situation is ridiculously grounded and child-focussed though. I have never experienced anything so healthy. The parents and step parents all get together for Christmas/birthdays etc, they will have cups of tea and discuss the children - even Sil asking advice of the step-mother! Why the hell can we not have all separated families like that?!!

*and they mostly SHARE all the clothes....
Fecking autocorrect

It sounds like there are two issues here, one about them having everything double, and the second that they just seem to have a lot in the first place.

I am surprised about the responses about being at home at the nrp. I find it incredibly sad that some step-mum would consider it wrong that their step-children should feel at home at their father's home. It is no surprise that one of the common complaint of step-children is that they don't feel welcome when they go there.

I didn't get along with my step-mum when growing up, but I did feel at home there. That's because they made an effort to make it so. I had a nice bedroom, with a nice bed, chose the wallpaper (which I loved), the bed, the wardrobe. I felt as much in my sanctuary in that room then I did in my room at my mum's.

However, that doesn't mean that I had all the luxuries available at both houses. Almost all the toys and clothing I had there were what I got from my dad and his family for Christmas and birthdays. If they bought any other item of clothing at any other time, it was supermarket things.

If money is an issue, then it is about limiting the non essential items, but it is nice for the children to have some things staying there to avoid that feeling of 'visiting', which I find very depersonalising.

Fiancee - my post wasn't an assumption about your situation, but your later post does suggest It may be relevant.

When I said a DC will probably only consider their NRParents house home if all the adults in their life agree, I was particularly thinking about the attitude of the resident parent, not the stepmum!

I'd assume if a stepmum made her DSC feel unwelcome than I'd expect the dad to do something to change that, but if dad (and stepmum) are going out of their way to give the DCs two equal homes, but the DCs mum is referring to the time they spend with their dad as a "visit" and getting upset if they refer to dads house as "home", then the efforts of the dad and stepmum are probably going to be in vain. The DC will feel so conflicted about upsetting one or other parent that the intention will be lost.

It sounds like there is a lot of bad feeling between your DP and his ex, with historical resentments still not resolved. Mediation might help, but you may just have to accept that the situation with the DCs belongings not being moved between homes is a consequence of whatever went on between them before you were on the scene, and therefore, bedroom carpets might have to wait a bit longer as a result.

Whilst some of the adults might like to think that one place is not the DSCs "home" - for what ever reason and justification, be it to justify giving them less space, equal space, less monies, more monies, shared tome, less time - -it is all actually irrelevant, it is what the kids themselves feel think etc.

My parents are different nationalities and I happen to have been born in another country, by virtue of my DFs job at the time, my two sisters and brother are also born in 2 more countries. When asked our nationality - we usually say abit of both parents nationalities - but the country I grew up in most - is my home.
The arrogance of people who tell me I have no right to be x ( DFs nationality), y ( DMs nationality) and then ask me where I was born - Beijing and tell me I am Chinese - it is rudeness personified. This is the same as the home question - irrelevant what anyone else thinks it is the DCS feelings and opinions.
I am Chinese - at 6ft 1 with blonde hair and blue eyes
Twinny sisters - are Kenyan - red hair, milk white skin and freckles
Bro - 6 ft 3in - Dark brown hair, dark skin is Thai!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry the whole home not your home arguments shows up the insecurities of the adults more than anything.

Bigfeet – I think you’re missing the point. The OP is suggesting that, in the context of this thread, “home” is where you (mathematically) spend the majority of time living at present. The OP is thinking in practical terms.

I think this situation improves a bit as the children get older. DSD has one of everything that she practically needs at each house (hairdryer, shampoo, conditioner deodorant etc) and now that she's nearly 15 she rocks up for weekends at DP's carrying the kitchen sink with her as she's responsible enough to pack now.

DSS is 11 and used to turn up looking like a poor child from Oliver, Trousers too short, one wintry weekend he had no coat on (was dropped off and in the door before we realised so we had to go and buy him something the next morning), shoes were always falling apart etc. the few odd bits of nice clothes that we bought him (england rugby top etc) went home to his mums and were never seen again.

Everything he had in duplicate at his dad's tended to be from Tesco or cheap as chips items as his dad couldnt afford to pay maintenance and continually buy him the best of everyhing. And when he was younger, he wasnt bothered at all where his clothes came from.

Now that he's getting older, he wants Adidas Trainers and Hollister hoodies so he's learning to bring them with him. DSD wouldnt dream of letting us buy her clothes (she has relatively expensive taste and a trip to the supermarket takes her two hours to get ready for with the instagramming and snapchatting that goes towards getting her out of the door) so the situation has sort of rectified itself. They now both insist on having their favourite bits with them at all times.

My dsc never came in shoes or coats. They also didn't bother to shut their mothers front door. They literally just walked out of the house as they were. Anything forgotten was apparently dp's responsibility to collect. Likewise if they forgot anything going back, it was ALWAYS dp problem!

Guess who then went to the police accusing him of stalking her!?

Asteria, that sounds amazing! My ex and I manage to be on okay terms these days but that's it. I buy the vast majority of things for my DS and he takes what he needs with him to his dads though he has basic stuff there for quick overnights but he won't buy anything else which is fine I guess since I get maintenance. My DH criticises him a lot though for not buying anything for his kids. Its incredibly emotional for my DH. He's like 'what kind of man is he, not even buying a coat for his son?' and with reference to my DSCs if I argue that a coat is expensive when they could just wear the one from their mum's he'll be like 'What? You would see the poor child go without a winter coat?' Its all tied up with unresolved issues over their divorce and separation. he's never allowed any say/opinion in any of their issues unless at her behest and is made to feel very insignificant and worthless as a parent. She engineers situation which show according to her, he is a bad father. They did mediation twice, which cost hundreds of pounds each time but she says all the right things and it just goes back to square one. I just don't know how I can make him see that he's an amazing dad and they are at home here and he doesn't need to double up every possession to achieve this? Even though I am a teacher and need to do lots of work at home, he would not even consider doubling up my DSD's bedroom as a study when she isn't here as that would make her feel that it wasn't her home. I drew the line when he tried to argue that we shouldn't put the clothes maiden in her room to dry the clothes when she wasn't here!!

As a child of divorced parents, I think your OH is being a wonderful dad and she is very lucky to have him as I was lucky to have my dad. He too didn't hesitate to get me stuff that I might already had at my mum, just because he wanted me to feel that it wasn't because I was seeing him less that he was less of a parents or his home was less of my home too.

Your post brought back memories because he too refused to have an office so I could have my own bedroom even though he worked from home (in the end, he built a shed in the garden and made it his office) because he believed I should have my own space there too and he was so right. It did make a massive difference (although I agree with you about the clothes drying!!).

I will just add that as an adult, I am now much closer to my dad than my mum, and yes, the way he acted as a dad as I was growing up at a huge influence on it.

Petal - I have not missed the point. adults want to put a mathematical calculation to the question of home but it is not that simple and is not their right - because lets be honest it justifies our feelings of love, hate prejudice, jsutification of discrepancies etc

The children define in their minds their home, it is their perception and their right to feel however, they want about it. We have no influence over that - their home, their realtionships with their parents on what ever site.

The children define in their minds their home, it is their perception and their right to feel however, they want about it. We have no influence over that - their home, their realtionships with their parents on what ever site.

It may be a DCs 'right' but adults can, and do, influence DCs relationships with their other parent. It is fortunate that you have not experienced this first hand - but in high-conflict separations, it is all too common, creating an impossible situation for the DCs, in which their love for one parent is punished by the other.

If a DC is being pressured by one parent to restrict and limit the engagement they have in the other parents home, the best thing that household can do is accept the level of engagement the hostile parent is comfortable with - not insist that the child is fully engaged and integrated against the hostile parents wishes.

It sounds a bit like your DH is providing all this stuff for the dsc because it is the only aspect of their parenting that he manages to have any control over.