Help from step mums needed

[rebeccahawkins2014]

I'm new to mumsnet and I certainly don't ever write on forums, but I feel I need to reach out to other women who are in a similar position to me. I have been married to my husband for nearly three years now. He has 4 children from a previous marriage (19,17,15 and 14 years old). One older lad and the rest girls. I always knew he had kids and being a step mum never worried me. We fell pregnant with our own little boy and he is now 16 months old. I found out I am pregnant again (this wasn't planned) 6 months ago. We are having a little girl and I am very happy about it. A few months back my husband's ex wife abandoned the kids. We had to take immediate custody of the two younger ones and they came to live with us full time. It's been a hard time because I have been trying to adjust to being a new mum and then being a full time step mum to someone else's children. most of the time I'm okay, but in the last few weeks my husband's two older children have come to live with us too. all 7 of us are squashed into a 3 bed house and the workload has tripled resulting in less time that I spend with my 16 month old. Of late I have been becoming jealous and frustrated that at the moment I can't spend as much time with my son. I'm d tired more because of being pregnant. I don't like the way my step children play with my son. They often grab him, hold him, toss him around and I guess my instinct tells me that he just wants to play, explore and runaround, but often he can be doing this and they will stop him. He then gets frustrated. Tonight I cracked because my youngest step daughter grabbed him, he flung his head back and wacked it hard on the floor. I shouted saying no more grabbing, throwing around etc. of course I felt guilty then, but I also feel he's my son and I am the one who has control of what should and shouldn't happen. I am also finding disciplining my son hard too, because everyone wants to do it. Most of the time I am pretty chilled and let things go. I know it's not forever but recently I have been thinking I don't know how I am going to cope with a newborn, my toddler and everything else going on. We need to move but that's not going to happen any time soon. I often think about moving out and staying in the relationship, but that won't work. I have accepted what's going on, and I know that the kids need female guidance in their lives and I love that I can give that to them, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with what's going on that I just need to confide in other people who are step parents too, as it really is a hard job, being a parent is hard enough but then having to look after someone else's kids too, omg!!! Anyway, I love all the kids and I've always said that what's important is they have a good start in their life, but any advice you have on how to deal with them and their relationship with my own children would be great. Thanks for listening xxx

Oh my, you've a lot on your plate!
First step is to get your husband to see how hard it is to contain everyone.
Then he should stop the active play indoors (where your DC could/is getting hurt and frustrated) and say that is outdoor play only.
The step children's father needs to make his authority known here and stick up for you and the baby, making them help around the house and acting responsibly indoors.

Put the older ones to work around the house, they are old enough to cook, do laundry etc and give you the help you deserve

Thx for the support so far. I have done a roster and its in the first week of trailing it, some things are working and some things aren't, but you are right they need to do more. My husband is very good and does support me on most things, but he's also very protective of them all, which can make some things difficult. I told him last weekend I was going on strike unless there was more help around the house. The 19 year old is sleeping in our lounge and at the weekend he was on his PlayStation from 11am - 5pm. meanwhile my husband and I cooked, cleaned and did 7 loads of washing! As you can imagine that was when the roster was put into play. What about how I should allow the kids to play with my children? Should I be teaching them how to play with my little boy? The eldest girl is very motherly and this can be annoying, but equally she can be helpful too. My fear is if I allow them too much, then I don't know what they do when I'm not around, for example if my little boy misbehaves how will they deal with this. I've already had to step in because the oldest girl wants to bite back my toddler if he bites her. I explained he's young and doesn't understand, which now she gets, but I feel like I have to have a million eyes to see what's going on...

Oh god, you poor thing! I have been in a very similar position. Kids almost identical ages. It is totally overwhelming isn't it. Because, unlike if they were your own kids, the older DSCs, you have no backlog of bonding and being able to form a parent child relationship.

So it isn't easy! To be honest I nearly cracked up from it all, but my DP was very protective and ended up undermining me too. The DSCs resented me because I wouldn't let them just do what they liked. BUT - whatever you are going through, you have to be able to have authority in the house. I felt very confused about that because, like you, my older DSCs kicked back about that - but with young kids too - you need to be respected. I know that these DSCs have probably been through a lot, if their mum kicked them out, but you've got to make this work or it will collapse around you.

You are soon about to have another baby. Get your DSCs to stop doing anything silly or dangerous with the younger kids. No way should an older DSC bite a younger one - or throw them around. Make your DP take over a lot of this - sit down and agree rules, and the roster. Make it clear that there is a time limit - you can't have 19 year old in the lounge for months - move if you can or get some other arrangement.

Make some space for yourself - get your DP to do the washing week days and make him take out DSCs at least one day of the weekend, or go out yourselves with the little ones - so that you are not on top of each other all the time. Ban the playstation at certain times. Get the DSCs to do certain jobs - but not 'childcare' - unless it is a simple task like feed the baby a bottle, reading a story or helping with a jigsaw while you are in the same room so that you can keep an eye on how they are.

Also - I wouldn't leave the toddler around with all of them - I found that my DSCs all together just got excitable and boisterous and treated the little one like a play thing. But if I asked ONE of them to come into the kitchen while I was making dinner and help feed the toddler in the high chair - it was much calmer. Good luck!!!

That sounds really tough and a hell of a lot to get used to when you're only 16 months into being a mum.

I think the first thing I'd do would be crack down on the playstation being in the living room, or impose strict rules about when DSS can use it there - playstations are horrible and take over a room completely. We're lucky enough to have a second living room where ours is, though we're about to lose that some of the time as DSD is moving to that room when she's home from Uni, But the play station is going to go to DS's room, and not the main room. Would drive me mad if it was in our only living room. DS has agreed that others can play in it in his room at times (he considers the playstation as a good swap for DSS who is currently sharing his room )

In terms of how your DSC interact with your toddler - I've no direct experience as I don't have a little one, but my own DC have a toddler brother at their dad's and do really love interacting with him. They get heaps out of having him around, even if he does annoy them at times. I think you'd be best to teach them how to interact safely. Teenagers ought to be safe to leave alone with a toddler - even to babysit, and you'd be less stressed if you didn't feel you needed to watch them all the time. If DSD is quite motherly with him, she might even be a real help to you at times. I think as the parent you need to make clear that it is your job only to set the ground rules for your DS - eg if he bites he should be sat on a naughty step for 2 minutes, or whatever, and not bit back. But if the DSC are clear on the rules, then anyone in the household could be allowed to enforce the rules, or come and tell you if DS is doing something naughty and not responding to them.

With chores - I've found a tick chart for washing up works well with a house full of teenagers. They get a tick each time they do it, and if nobody volunteers then the person with the least ticks (who's around) has to do it. It means that most of the time there is a volunteer and it works well with teenagers who are in and out at different times as you're not finding that the person on rota to do it isn't in. With laundary I don't ask them to do it as I think it's best organised by one person who knows how to do it properly! But they do have to put their dirties in the washing basket and then put their own clean clothes away, including assembling beds which cuts down the work a bit.

I'd just like to say a huge thanks to those who've posted so far. I had no idea how much better I would feel after getting some advice from other mums/step mums. Just to know that I am not going crazy is a huge relief! I often feel challenged with my decisions, mostly my own fault over analysing everything, but I'm just trying to manage a very large family with kids who are not mine and I have had no influence so far on their upbringing. i love the suggestions on here. I haven't stopped thinking all day on how to make life easier for myself. I have to say adjusting to all this is one of my biggest life challenges. My two words of the year to get my through so far have been acceptance and patience. I love my DH so much and would never want him away from any of his children, which is why I know I have to stick with this and find a way through. It's so refreshing to have advice from those who understand. I feel so guilty most of the time like I am not being fair or being too hard, but at the end of the day if I don't sort all this out, then who will? Thank u so much and I'm keen to hear more. The more input I have the better step parent I know I can be xx

PS: loving the tick chart idea. This weeks roster has failed because of the SC not being home for various reasons. Although some of the work has been done, ive still ended up doing most of it x

You need a family meeting and some rules set, they can all contribute to house stuff and their own responsibilites. Let them come up with ideas of what they should or should not do - let them be part of their new family.

Disciplining THEIR brother is not their job - but if you leave him with them, then explain how you are doing naughty step etc and can we all be consistent with the rules for him. They can apply the house discipline rules but nothing else.

These teens especially the younger two, have just been abandoned by their own mother. That they want to help, albeit in their way, is good. They have always been your DS family and always will be, the situation has changed and everyone is trying to adapt to the chaos.

I know Bigfeet21. Honestly the whole story of what's happened with their mother is too personal to put up on here, but I am very aware of what they have been through and that's why I am trying my very best to be a good step mum, as well as a mum to my own DS. Kids need their moms particularly girls. I've seen the kids change for the better since living with us and in a short period of time I've managed to install trust, which is a huge achievement, but now the dynamic of the family has changed with the older two joining us and I am trying to adjust to the change, as well as staying sane myself lol. I agree with family meeting and am planning what to say at the moment x

you sound like an absolute angel! What a lot to deal with.

No advice to offer - your coping marvellously. Just wanted to say that.

I thought my two DSC were a handful!! I second the family meeting - if you can all sit down and work out how to move forwards that will make life easier for everyone. Ground rules on discipline and a planner on the wall that shows when people will be in/what they are doing each day will help you keep track of the enormous tribe. Do the older ones have jobs at all?
Could you afford to put a shed in your garden? Or even use your garage (if you have one?). Sounds ridiculous but we used to have a grotty shed that we loved as teenagers! It would make a good project for DH with his DS (and dd's) and would provide a bit of overflow/teenager space. Where you are all on top of each other, having somewhere to go off to might be good for the DSC. Stick a heater in it and the gaming crap - few beanbags, old sofa, that sort of thing. Not ideal but it saves you all killing each other in the coming months!!

Remember that if all 4 were your own children, you would be tearing your hair out too. Some of the difficulties will of course be down to the fact that there are not, but some will not. The annoyance with the way they treat your toddler, you probably would have just the same with your own older child, and would you then feel guilty for telling them off if that was the case?

I'm sure even they can appreciate all you are doing for them, even if they don't show it because they are typical teenagers, and I would certainly hope your husband does too. They are very lucky to have you.

Awwww thank you for all the lovely kind comments and the advice being offered. I guess all of this only makes us stronger people and better parents. It's been quite a calm evening this evening. Still planning the family meeting. Don't want to rush in and in the meantime gather as much info as I can. Having dinner out with DH tonight and I'm planning no chat about the kids lol x

OMG, you poor thing, I feel for you desperately! There is only one possible answer to this, your DH MUST fully take on board the parenting and, where necessary disciplining of his DC. He must also make it clear that your toddler, and baby when she arrives, are yours and DH's responsibility and they cannot play roughly, punish or in any other way interfere with how you are handling your babies lives! A full on and fully policed roster has to be set up, and each person in the house (including age appropriate tasks for your toddler) must carry out their allotted chores! And if the 17 & 19 year old aren't still in education, I really hope they are employed or looking for employment, so that they can financially contribute to the household...maybe than you can afford a bigger home!
I admire your obvious courage and will to make this work, I would have a breakdown in your place....good luck to you!!!

Keep it short and sweet and no more than 5 important points, do not get bogged down in minutiae, it wanders off the 5 big ones, then say lets see how we go and reconvene in a month:

Emphasise you need help because of preggers and little baby and you want to help them:

1. Washing and tidying rooms and living room
2. Feeding time at the zoo - who cooks, cleans puts away, helps with the shopping
3. TV time and personal time
4. Little Bro and discipline and playing with him, he is not more special than them but just not as bouncy or understanding!

5 - anything they want to see changed.

Evening all
Thanks for all the great advice. I've really struggled with everything today and just had an enormous argument with DH in front of all the kids. I literally cracked it and I don't know what I feel worse about the fact that I argued in front of the kids or the fact that I argued with my DH. As always the argument was over something stupid, he opted to make dinner this evening and when he did I went to lie down for 20 minutes, but when I came down in the kitchen to ask him how he was getting on. He was grumpy because he had been in the kitchen for an hour straight after work. As you can imagine I was not pleased by his response, thinking well actually mate I do this every day and I don't moan. To cut a long story short we had a huge argument in front of everyone and I just feel at a loss with what I am doing. I can't do any more than I am. I get no time for myself ever! I am constantly running everyone around, dragging my toddler with me, we only have one car and I do all drop offs and pick ups in the day, cook, clean, bake, wash, look after my toddler, as well as sort out all the house stuff, finance stuff, run a craft business and try to write my book if I ever get chance. I have no support from any one. I barely know any step parents to confide in and there are some days when I wonder why I am doing all this. I didn't create this problem... Is it fair for me to say that? I feel like no one understands and as for the kids, I wonder what the heck they think when I argue with their dad like that. anyway, it's no ones fault but my DH and mine for arguing, but I just wish there was some way of getting him to understand that I am not a machine and I need a break. I'm exhausted at 7 months pregnant, yet I feel like the expectations of me are too great... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Aww :( Give yourself a hug. You didn't chose this life, and it's tough right now.

I think it can be OK for kids to see you arguing, but when you've made up, they need to see that too. Couples do argue sometimes and people under pressure so crack and say things they shouldn't. As long as they can see how you work through that I think you're doing OK.

To be fair on your DP, I don't suppose he has really chosen his current circumstances either. Even if he loves having his DC around, it can't have been easy see their other parent fail them so badly and ending up with more on his plate then he'd expected. But for you being pregnant is tough in itself as well as all the rest of it.

Do you have any family who can help you out at all? Take your toddler round and have a bit of a break? Can you make the cooking easier? Pasta with pesto? Fish fingers? And definitely get the older ones cooking some nights.

Blimey. Just wanted to say relax you are doing an amazing job. You need your OH to step up a bit with chores, get teenagers helping out more and a non alcoholic night out with friends to make you laugh. Dont worry about the row..it will pass. Take care of yourself amazing step mum x

You are completely within your rights to blow a gasket once in a while! We Stepmothers get some questionable branding and very little support - I would imagine there are a great many out there right now thinking "I never signed up for this shit" or "is this man REALLY worth this shitstorm?"!
I hate to say it, but if someone had given me a crystal ball into how stressed, disrupted and out of my control life would be after becoming a stepmother I would have seriously reconsidered it (as I lay here in my bed listening to DH fart in the bath I do wonder... )
Have you expressed these feelings to your DH? I think it is important that he forms an appreciation of what you are feeling and how this situation is affecting you.

You are doing amazingly well! I have a 15 month old and two full time DSC and find that more than enough, let alone adding more kids and pregnancy into the mix.
I think you need to get your OH to do more. My DP works and does the cooking. He runs the older two to their activities, does their lunches, gets the uniform ready, does all the laundry. I suspect he doesn't quite appreciate exactly how much you are doing. Does he recognise your business, for eg, or does he see you as a SAHM, and by default the main carer and cleaner?

My theory is that many men (not all men!) seem to automatically put the female in the home into that role, regardless of whether she works or not, or whether the children are hers or not. They don't seem to be able to see past the woman=children and housework thing.

Anyway, try and have a chat when things are calmer and be really honest about how you are feeling. You'll have a lovely new baby soon so you both need to plan for that as well.

ps I get the whole older kids grabbing the baby thing. It's very annoying and I don't think I get through a day without telling at least one DSC to leave the baby alone. They think they're playing but they play as if the baby is a toy, not a person.

To be honest blowing your top in front of everyone could be the best thing you've done for a while. Showing the whole family that you are under strain may create a bit of compassion for you from your step kids too and some appreciation.

I have often just wanted to run for the hills! Time will pan out how you feel, and you'll look back at this time and think how the hell did I do it?!

I'm speaking from experience, I had a new born baby and dumped the four step kids who weren't helpful at all and resentful half the time, also with another kid of my own - six in all!!! It is too much I think in the end, I don't know what your future is but at some point you will need a bit of balance here - either the mother or a relative or the Dad to take up of the slack here.

Hey all. Sorry for posting my rant on here yesterday. I just had to release a lot of frustration and anger, which I sure did mostly in the argument. It's so comforting to know there are other step parents out there who know what the heck I am talking about. As step parents we are so often over looked and under appreciated. I never imagined to be in this position right now, as I am sure many of you didn't either. It's comforting to also know that arguing in front of the kids obviously happens in other homes too. I guess it's too easy to imagine that other people manage this life perfectly. Every day the kids are getting older and I feel sad that their biological mother doesn't see them grow and develop. I feel sad that these kids can't share that either with their mum, but all I can do is be a good person in their life and hope one day it will all be worth it.
You'll be pleased to know that today I said no driving anyone around. It wasn't raining so the kids walked to school and my husband had the car. I haven't left the house instead I've spent time with my gorgeous little boy who I adore so much. The one thing about all this is that I appreciate my time as a mum so much more than before. I've done no housework, everyone else can do their chores when they get in, and I've relaxed. DH and are fine now. I think we both realised we needed to release some frustration and then just get back on with it. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. DH is generally very good with house stuff and after yesterday's explosion the kitchen was scrubbed, the washing was done and the lunches made for the following day. It's just hard times at the moment. DH has a very physical job and often works long hours, which doesn't help, but that's what us mums do isn't it. We just get on with what needs to be done. Much love to all your SPs out there. Thx for being a listening ear. I cried when I read the messages. Finally knowing that I am not alone xx

meltdowns can work - my own 3 DCS who are with me 99% of the time, were driving me insane one week about 6 months of being solo mum and I snapped - yelled , screamed and then burst into tears.

Sat on the floor howling, they howled, I felt worse, then better then we sorted out some ground rules.

No at the time 3,5,7 - they do not stick to them all the time, but the older two do remember meltdown day and when the anti ups and I am starting to shout - one of them usually asks if I need a hand and the oldest one tells me to sit down, calm down and makes me a cup of tea - v sweet!