He wants me to make more effort communicating with his son - but it's difficult!!

[MurkyBathWater]

In the 4 or so years I've known dp I have not connected with his son at all. He's 20 years old but is not at all like other 20 year olds and I find it really difficult to talk to him.
He has no hobbies other than playing his guitar by himself in his bedroom. He spends his days playing computer games and has never worked. Therefore what on earth am i supposed to talk to him about? I can't even ask how his week has been because he does nothing from day to day and if you do ask it kind of puts him on the spot which I feel is unfair. He doesn't seem to have any plans or motivation in life. Polar opposite to me and I just don't understand how someone so young can be so content with doing nothing with their life. I have Instagram and a lot of young 20 year olds on there. At one point they were all posting pictures from their latest travels, nights outs, weekends away, sporting events ... Then Dss posted a picture of the front cover of his new computer game and that just about says it all.

I just can't connect with him. On top of all this he's constantly ott swearing which makes me cringe (it's not even in context, you can tell he's just trying to sound tough and it's awful) and he comes out with silly racist and homophobic remarks that I just can't abide. I don't think he's a bad kid at all, I think he just has no idea and tries too hard to be a person that he isn't.
So how do you connect with someone you have absolutely no connection with?

It sounds like he is quite a socially awkward lad, probably not the most confident. Do you live with him? If I were you I'd step back from your fustration that he is doing nothing, even just try a computer game with him, they can be fun! Ask him how his week is, tell him a little about yours. Then leave him be - just a couple of hours every now and then trying to engage on his level.

It doesn't like your DSS is being resentful or ignoring you, and you could be one of the few people in his life, so perhaps there is a chance that you could reach out a little? Give him a little time to get used to each other before you write him off.

If he says anything racist/homophobic tell him straight that isn't on - be normal. Otherwise you'll end up really resenting him and your fustration will turn into dislike, if it hasn't already.

Why does your partner not give him a kick up the arse?
Does he not value ambition, life or independence at all. No wonder you can't connect with him, he is not capable of connection.
Your husband should be questioned by you not the other way around.
Just do your own thing- don't bend over backwards.

Sounds like your partner has his head in the sand a bit. I feel a bit sorry for the young lad actually he sounds more socially awkward than lazy and it's sad that his own dad isn't doing anything to help him. Does he have any friends?