How much contact do you have with your ex?

[StepCatsmother]

I know this sounds like a loaded question so I'll say from the outset that I completely appreciate that ex-partners that have children together need to communicate about them, and that the level of communication will vary depending on what is going on.

I'm just curious as to what this involves in an average week for most people, and whether you try to keep contact to a minimum or save most things for handover where possible?

Happy to hear from all perspectives whether you're the mum, the NRP, whatever angle you're coming from really. I guess it's most applicable to people with smaller children/stepchildren (mine StepC are 10 and 6) who need the adults to make the contact arrangements :)

Wallywobbles..that is very useful to know, thank you!

I have boundary issues with my dc df so this isn't what I call healthy.

We go through periods of complete radio silence and other times we speak a few times a day.

He helps me out in emergencies like my car breaking down and will fix things. I have also been known to ring him to get rid of spiders late at night.

He rings me and talks at me about work and stuff. When I reply he talks over me and carries on talking at me.

Anytime I need help with the dc getting one to somewhere and one to somewhere else if he can help he helps.

We speak about the dc whenever somethings going on with any of them. Including his son that lives with him. I take his ds places that he needs to go to when ex is at work.

He has gone round to see my family members when something bad has happened like car crashes and hospital appointments.

I probably rely on him to much if I'm honest and neither of us has moved on.

BrandNew - That is one of the most bravely honest posts I've read on here for a while. It makes me a little more understanding of my DPs Ex - who isn't very nice to me because of their 'loose boundaries' as it were. For example she screamed at my DP while he was at work one day because she wanted to organise one of the kids parties in his (our) house. He said, it was fine to have it in our house but we'd organise it. Didn't go down well. She gets him to fix things in her house, keeps in a lot of contact. I think she doesn't want to lose part of her husband, she wants to keep her support person. I guess it's very hard to move on.

My Ex also didn't want to let go of a lot to do with us when we separated, he still got mail to sent to my house, chatted a lot at handovers, told me things about his new girlfriends that weren't really for me to hear. I was cordial and friendly, met him for lunch sometimes etc but in the end I felt I had to back off as it just kept both of us back, and his new girlfriend had started to say that she felt uncomfortable, and I think that she was right.

I had been his best friend and this is something that he felt he didn't want to give up. Now we have very little contact, but I think that this helps him in his new relationship.

As little as possible because he is a complete prick! I send him the odd text over arrangements but that is it.

Dp's ex is the opposite. She texts and phones constantly. I think this is preferable to the situation with my ex but it does my head in!

I have a 10 year old Ds with my ex. We don;t ever do handover as it happens at school. I generally text maybe once every two days about something... him less so but that's because he doesn't have anything to say (I'm the one who needs to let him know she has a play date or homework or a form due in or whatever. Sometimes I need to call... maybe once a week? But it's always quick and I generally try to do it while he's at work rather than while he's at home with his wife because I know as a step parent myself how annoying that can be. Sometimes if I've got a lot to tell him we can have a text conversation of 8-10 messages at once, but we only communicate when there is something that needs to be communicated.

Very, very occasionally we will text each other to share something funny that DSS has done. or to share a photo.

DH's ex, on the other hand, communicates mainly when she's been drinking to tell him what a cunt he is. Or when she runs out of money.

We text most days, at most a few days gap between messages. Ds might call him maybe once a week and we will have a quick chat then too. Contact is at my house (his choice not bloody mine!) and we will have a natter then. Sometimes go for meals / a pint together if need to discuss something major (choosing schools was last time we did this)

We get on alright really I guess, we are totally led by Ds though and what he needs / what we need to do for him. Us being friendly has taken some work but it does help.

banana sorry didn't see that you answered me.

It's strange because I would hate to be back with him. I have no interest in him in that respect. But it's hard when you still need them for things. Ok I could have gone to a garage and got them to put a new drivers side mirror on my car the other day but that would of cost so much money compares to me getting a mirror using his business account and him fitting it for me after work.

We both go through stages of being to comfortable with each other. He came in my house after fixing my mirror and had dinner. It's not even a friendship we annoy the shit out of each other but we still have all these threads connecting us.

When one of us moves on with someone else I expect it will fall apart. I could cut it now but if I'm brutally honest it suits me as I benefit from it.

Brand you sound pretty aware and clued up about it - it makes me think that when the time came for you or your EX to have another serious relationship you wouldn't become resentful / or what be able to rely more on your new relationship for these things.

banana I'd love another relationship and I'd have no problem with him moving on either.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with your dps ex. She doesn't want to let go, it benefits her him helping her out and she doesn't want to do it on her own. I don't think anything will change until she gets a new partner.

I wonder how many people actually move on when theres dc involved.

Text most days - DS only 4 though so I imagine it will get less as he gets older.

brandnew - I think you can move on in time. I wouldn't dream of doing any of the things you describe with my ex these days, but there was a time when I would have done. I remember him babysitting for me once when DD was too small to stay at his overnight, and coming back and noticing he'd cleaned the toilet! I didn't know whether to be pleased, or pissed off that he'd done that in a house that wasn't his. But I don't think he'd done it to make a point or anything, just that he noticed it needed doing.

Moving away from the house that we used to share definitely helped create more distance, I think it was only at that time that he no longer had a key to my house. And getting new partners kinds of pushes things a bit further on too. I have also made an effort to get better at the things I used to rely on my ex for. I can change a bike puncture now. And after me buying my ex a diary for Christmas for about the first 5 years after we split up, he now buys one himself and organises his own life rather than me organising it (or possibly his new DW organises his life....)

A couple of times a week , we are on quite good terms,
I will send him pictures of DS on whatsapp and we will occasionally take him to soft play together and to get food.
I wish we could make it work as a family but he has a DS with his ex and she literally made my life hell .
If she wasn't around things would be so different

He skypes DD twice a week and on one of those i will jump on at the end and have a catch up about her school and hobbies.

As he lives aboard I really want him to be a part of her life as does he, Even though he is complete knob he is an amazing father just a shitty partner (he has a habit of forgetting he is in a relationship) but the OW (now his wife and DD SM) seems to have settled him down and that can only be a good thing.

Contact with one another is very miminal polite at the door when he picks up DS and the odd text about hospital appointments, school events etc. Theres no need for it to be anymore than that. I don't even have his partners number.

We text / speak most days. Usually about the kids. Sometimes about wider family (eg how my mom is). WE get on really well and he makes me laugh a lot. I phoned up the other night really ranting about DD's teenage behaviour and he had me laughing about it. I guess he's the only one who really gets the kids like I do

We are both in very long-term committed realtionships with other people and I would no sooner get back with him than fly but we always said to the kids when we split that we would still be "family" and I do still feel that. I know that probably sounds weird and like I haven't moved on but I truly have. But he's still a decent chap and a great dad to my kids and I hope we can always be a family of sorts

My dd is 6 and we call exh so she can speak to him on car speaker phone on the way to school most days. We're on pretty good terms and both have partners who are happy with this so works fine and makes dd happy.

Our contact is set up so the need of contact is very minimal on both sides. This suits me greatly as I have my own life as does he.I don't even have his DW contact number. The only time we text is about DS or if one needs to an access or emergencies. When we broke up he used to contact me daily asking about DS it got too much and I blocked him told him it wasn't necessary that level of contact. He sees him twice a week and I give him extra time if he's off on the holidays. I think a lot of problems people have with ex's is the need to be constant contact and involving partners into the mix. DH trusts me he's never asked to see the messages but he could if he wanted to although they are very mundane. I know sometimes men don't like their DP in contact with ex's but lucky it's not an issue in our relationship. I couldn't speak on behalf of my ex but I know very little about their relationship.