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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should DP be contributing?

24 replies

CandyCrush77 · 25/09/2015 12:18

Not sure if I should post here or in money matters but thinking more traffic here. DP moved in with me 5 months ago. DSD, 12, and DSS, 10, are here 50% of the time. They have their owns rooms, nicely decorated, desks etc. DP has not yet got around to selling his flat and so, so far, he only contributes by buying food when his DCs are here 3 nights of the week. He will occasionally buy food for him and I at other times but only occasionally. I know he hasn't sold his flat yet and so isn't in a position to pay much but it's starting to grate that he is making no contribution to his kids' room and to bills, the cleaner etc. I guess he thinks that I pay paying for the whole house and bills anyway before he moved in and so I am no worse off but since I got divorced it has always been a massive stretch financially for me to cover everything as this is a big house which DP and DSCs are now benefitting from. Also, my ex is now putting pressure on for me to pay him back an equitable interest he has in the property now that DP has moved in, which I can't afford to do unless DP sells his flat and contributes something. I keep asking why it's taking so long and DP says he wants to do it up first but we (or rather, I) and going to be bankrupt before then! Am I being unfair wanting him to contribute? How much should I push this? Starting to feel very taking advantage of and that I'm left with all the financial responsibility.

OP posts:

MangoBiscuit · 25/09/2015 12:22

Hell no YANBU! Of course he should be contributing.

lostintoys · 25/09/2015 12:54

Yes, absolutely he should be contributing. And he should be insisting on paying a fair share rather than trying to get away with paying nothing. DP lives with me 4 days a week but still keeps his own house where he has his son the other 3 days of the week, and he insists on paying at least half of all my bills, often more if he knows I'm struggling that month. I would find it difficult to be with someone who was mean-spirited enough to try and get away with contributing nothing to the family budget.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/09/2015 12:57

I think you've been had.

I would ask him to move back to his flat until he sells it and ask him to pay for the furniture for his children.

Original poster

CandyCrush77 · 25/09/2015 13:01

Just to clarify, he did pay for the furniture that was brought. Some of it (beds, wardrobes etc) were already there.

OP posts:

WickedWax · 25/09/2015 13:02

Didn't you have a chat about finances and how it'd all work before he moved in?

He needs to move back into his own flat until he's able or willing to contribute.

YonicScrewdriver · 25/09/2015 13:04

Yanbu. Why isn't he buying food seven days a week, at least for himself, he'd have that expense from before? Ditto electricity, gas etc etc.

SevenSeconds · 25/09/2015 13:07

He should definitely be contributing to bills, whether or not he's sold his flat. At the moment, it sounds like he's better off than before he moved in while you are worse off! How is that fair?

NerdyBird · 25/09/2015 13:07

He should be contributing. I moved in with my DP and am in process of selling my property. I contribute a regular monthly amount and we share costs of other things like new stuff for the house. He mainly pays for things his older children need himself, and we share most of the costs for our child.

You're going to have to talk to him about it or resentment will build.

YonicScrewdriver · 25/09/2015 13:07

And is he actually doing anything about doing it up? If he's there every moment the DSC's aren't with you, painting and polishing, then maybe. Otherwise - nah. He should get estate agents round, ask if there's anything he could do to change any valuation they give, then get on with it.

AyeAmarok · 25/09/2015 13:19

Yes he's taking the piss and the longer this goes on, the more he'll feel entitled to not pay anything and the harder it will be for you to raise the issue with him.

Wdigin2this · 25/09/2015 13:47

He's taking the mickey, of course he should be contributing! I'd suggest he moved back to his place until he can sell it...but even then I'd think twice about having him live with you!

SouthAmericanCuisine · 25/09/2015 13:53

candy There was a very similar situation on these boards a few months ago - you might be able to search for the threads?

The OP of those threads was struggling to discuss the issue with her DH (they'd got married without really agreeing finances or even the realities of cohabiting) and there was a lot of good advice on how to initiate the conversation that needed to be had between her and her DH.....

HormonalHeap · 25/09/2015 14:44

Would your ex not want his equitable interest even if your dp and children weren't staying? I'm not saying he shouldn't contribute, but just wondering what you would do re your house if you didn't have a partner

YonicScrewdriver · 25/09/2015 14:48

Your ex is subsidising your Dp and his children now, in a way.

Does your ex want your DP/you to buy him out of the house?

fedupbutfine · 25/09/2015 16:41

I thought you had married him?

Nothing changes, does it? why are you still not having these difficult conversations with your partner/husband?

VimFuego101 · 25/09/2015 16:43

Of course he should be contributing. How do you 'not get around to' selling a flat? has he not even put it on the market? He could always rent it out while he 'gets around to' selling it.

swingofthings · 25/09/2015 16:49

So have you explained to him that you are financially struggling currently? Did you not discuss money and budgets when you moved in? Why is it such an issue? Did you tell him he didn't need to contribute anything until he had sold his flat?

Surely moaning or sulking about it is not going to get you anywhere. You are living together, so just asked to talk, said that your bills are more than they were before, and that you are really struggling and therefore say that you would welcome a bit more help and see where it goes.

Ilikemangoes123 · 25/09/2015 16:50

You need to give him a time to sort it out - i.e. on the market in 1 months time or you move out.

Yellowpansies · 25/09/2015 17:33

Why has he not sold the flat? If he's had it on the market and is just having difficulties selling and unable to afford to contribute much until be does, then I think yabu to expect him to contribute if he can't afford to
On the other hand, if he's not bothered putting it on the market I would be will pissed off after 5 months. He should either sell it, or rent it out. Either would enable him to contribute more to your joint home. You could also set up a joint account for household bills and ask your DP to pay more then you into it, seeing as he had 2x 50% children living there too.

DontMindMe1 · 25/09/2015 22:59

i'm assuming he has a job? Therefore it doesn't matter if he hasn't sold his flat - he is still able to contribute financially - he just doesn't want to.

he's using the excuse of the flat not being sold to wriggle out of paying his way whilst living with you - and by not discussing it properly you are enabling him to take the piss out of you.

How can you move someone in but not discuss finances? I'd write down all your financial outgoings and then sit down and go through them with him - with the expectation that he pays 50%, considering he lives there full time and his children live there 50% of the time. I hope you will have enough backbone to tell him where to shove it of he tries the 'i need my money to do up the flat to sell it' excuse....because he would have had to budget for decorating expenses as well as paying household costs even if he hadn't moved in with you.

Frankly, i feel he's taking the piss out of you - he KNOWS it is NOT alright to expect his dp to foot all the finances and live for free in HER house.
He sounds like a cocklodger. It also sounds like he will calculate the cost of things down to the nth degree just to piss you off and try to emotionally/mentally fuck with you for daring to bring this up.

Stop being a doormat...and get some legal advice about your house - because if he starts making direct payments (traceable via accounts etc) to your mortgage then he will have a financial interest in your house.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 26/09/2015 07:44

Therefore it doesn't matter if he hasn't sold his flat - he is still able to contribute financially - he just doesn't want to

I'm not sure that's necessarily the case as his unsold flat will still incur costs - council tax, mortgage, (minimal) electricity and water bills. He may well be slightly better off living with the OP, but there not many people who could start paying half the costs in a second household while still financially maintaining the first.

The OP should have discussed this with her DP/DH prior to marrying/moving in, but as it is, she's found herself in a situation that may only be resolvable through then ending of the relationship/marriage.

If the OP is the poster who got married, then the flat, and her home, will both be considered marital assets - which makes the situation a lot more complicated.

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2015 07:53

Of course he should he contributing. Did you discuss finances before moving in together? Does he know how stretched you are?

heavens2betsy · 28/09/2015 11:22

One word
Cocklodger

hampsterdam · 28/09/2015 18:12

Push it until he pays! Or moves back into his flat. He can't live in your house rent free, asking him to move out might motivate him. How can you respect a man that won't pay his way?

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