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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step son is a lier

17 replies

Jaffacakey · 22/09/2015 12:30

Hello, really i have just come on to have a moan :( DSS is now starting to tell lies etc, we got a call from the Mother of DSS saying you can't discipline my child etc, we told him off for being rude and throwing items and he was sent to his room. am i being unreasonable for wanting respect in my home?

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/09/2015 12:42

OP - Yes you should be able to discpline a child with you - however ... - how old is the child? How long have you been his step mum? If discplining is a big change from the norm - then he may well be upset and may have exagerated to his mum. But that doesn't make him a terribly liar - try and keep some compassion for him as he adjusts - and also for his mother too who may be feeling very protective.

If I were you - I'd try and keep the situation from becoming too volatile and give everyone the benefit of the doubt at this stage.

Can your DP talk to the mother and calm the waters? Reasure her? Say that you will have to tell DSS off occasionally but that he'll always be there to care for him like a father should. Does she have trouble trusting his Dad to make sure he is taking care of and loved?

Without his mother having any understanding - there will be a LOT of tension, which no one, including DSS needs. Maybe the mother is controlling, maybe she is picking up on her sons real anxiety and hurt - we don't know and you probably don't either until you have more time in this situation.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/09/2015 12:43

apologies for terrible spelling - writing too quick!

Wdigin2this · 22/09/2015 12:58

Bananas is dead right, but of course it all depends on how old he is! If he's under 10, you need to be very careful, but if he's in his teens...well all teens lie to their parents, but if he's playing one off against another, he'll have to be pulled up on it!

Original poster

Jaffacakey · 22/09/2015 14:03

Hi All, he is 8 and i have been his step mum from the day he was born.

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/09/2015 14:08

Is this something that has just started happening? Has Mother of DSS not complained before?

Original poster

Jaffacakey · 22/09/2015 14:15

No she has never said anything before, which is the issue. I am not in any way unfair to him i just don't want food smeared into my carpet or walls.

OP posts:

HappyMama123 · 22/09/2015 14:58

I think you're entitled to ask anyone not to do that in your house...! What did he actually lie about tho? Has he exaggerated the telling off?

I really sympathise with anyone who has a child or step child who keeps telling fibs. My SS does and it's not just stressful but also worrying why he keeps doing it. It is literally continuous and even the school have had to launch an investigation against a teacher he accused of assaulting him then as part of the hearing he's admitted he made it up.

I just hope that now the school are involved they will actually address it instead of pretending its not happening (like his dad) or encouraging it (like his mum) coz its not the first time the school have had to address a serious lie from him like this. Sorry I'm not offering much advice just wanted to say you're not alone.

tribpot · 22/09/2015 15:01

Who is 'we' who told him off? You and his father, I assume. Is his mother really claiming his own father doesn't have the right to discipline him?

What are the lies?

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/09/2015 16:15

Happy - wow that does sound like it escalated into something more serious with you DSS. Although, school as a 'neutral' third party have been able to highlight it as an issue, which hopefully will help his parents wake up a bit. How hard for you. I also have had fibs told my DSCs which resulted in some serious situations for them in the end - I got a lot of stick because I knew something was wrong, but their parents thought I was being judgemental about their kids and stuck their head in the sand.

OP - sounds like you just need to stick to your guns. The problem sounds like the Mum though - especially as you are not new in his life - doesn't she think he should be pulled up over smearing food?

LineyReborn · 22/09/2015 19:06

So he's only 8? And you were in a relationship with his father when he was born?

Original poster

Jaffacakey · 23/09/2015 10:00

Yes he not only exaggerated the telling off he accused me of slapping him which i never did, i sent him to his room as i am not allowing him to throw things. My DH had a one night stand before we were together and found out she was pregnant 5 months into our relationship.

OP posts:

tribpot · 23/09/2015 10:02

So it wasn't you and your DH telling him off, it was you on your own?

LineyReborn · 23/09/2015 10:10

Do you think this young boy might be confused and in need of loving parenting? Yes that includes routine and clear boundaries but his father needs to lead on this, and give lots of positive attention not just discipline.

HappyMama123 · 23/09/2015 20:23

Do you think this young boy might be confused and in need of loving parenting?

Is that for real?! Because you send a child to his room for something really naughty "the poor boy needs love"? Get in the real world. Her post does not indicate that he lacks love, boundaries or routine. Its silly comments like that that make people not want to ask for help.

A child being sent to his room for being naughty is setting boundaries.

I think after 8 years you are probably in a position to set boundaries especially if you generally have a good relationship.

LineyReborn · 23/09/2015 20:43

Yes, that's for real. It's a question, and the OP may or may not decide to answer it.

RedNailPolish101 · 23/09/2015 22:49

A little story... Hope it will make you feel better When I was about 10, my DSF who was my dad for many years told me off... I was having a complete tantrum I was furious, I would have told anyone who was listening how evil he was (the shame I have in saying your not my real dad still haunts me) and I even took down the number of childline to go to the phone box... If my actual dad has been on the scene and went there there Red it's not your fault of course I would have been more of a ratbag - I adored my Dad (the real one being my step-dad)

I was being a very stroppy little 10 year old madam wanting her own way.

Surely every parent has experienced this and if you have been with DC for his entire life he's just playing you against his mum - DH needs to tell his mum this and stop this nonense - nobody should be allowed to throw things even if your a stroppy 10 year old girl.

RedNailPolish101 · 23/09/2015 22:50

Incidentally I was sat down by my mother and told I was very much loved by my dad and her (my baby brother hadn't been around long whom I adored) but I was not going to get away with being naughty, not on anybody's watch.

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