WWYD? Money for teen who doesn't see us

[zebrano]

We have a situation where we have a 15 year old DSS in regular contact with us - visits every week, holidays with us etc and a 17 year old DSS who we haven't seen for 5 years. According to the DSS2 (the one we see) it's pretty much a scapegoat vs golden child relationship between the two lads so we do feel strongly that DSS1 has been alienated from us (as a younger child we had a great relationship) but who knows what's gone on.

Anyway, despite DSS1 not seeing us at all for 5 years he does regularly text DH asking for money etc. Most times we give something but maybe not the entire amount he requests. E.g. When asking for £90 for a bike DH sends £50. When he wanted to go to a caravan with his friends we sent £40.

This is on top of full CSA and generous birthday/Xmas cash... Plus if we give DSS2 a few quid we always send the same for DSS1.

We have done this because we have desperately hoped that it would keep the 'relationship' going. It's the only way, from this distance, we can show DSS1 we love him!

Last Xmas DSS1 dropped out of college, we understand CSA liability for him should have ended there but we were happy to pay as he wasn't working and still finding his way. Now he has texted DH last month asking for us to take out a phone contract (DH said no) and this month asking for money to get him a travelcard to work.

Turns out he's now doing a paid apprenticeship earning £650 per month, which is great, but we think it's time for us to stop paying the CSA and let him manage his own finances, especially as the only contact is texts (and these texts cut straight to the chase! No 'how are you, dad?') DH had tried to reach out and suggests meeting DSS1 every time - DSS1 says there's no problem but he's too busy to meet DH.

DSS2 (who we see) feels very strongly that we should stop giving DSS1 money - he says that DSS1 brags about 'milking his dad for all he can get' etc.

Just wondering then - WWYD?
Regarding CSA (which we have already technically overpaid for 10 months) and regarding cash requests?

I'd suggest keeping up with the CSA until he's 18 as long as it's a manageable amount, purely for the reason given by lunar1. If the amount makes life difficult then stop it, but call up the CSA first to tell them why.

@Finallyonboard - why the distinction? DSS means step-son; she's not trying to claim the boy is also her partner's step-son. Saying "we have a DS/DSS" would be clunky and hard to parse.

Slightly different angle.....

I was your DSS1 and my sister was DSS2. My Mum put immense pressure on me not to have anything to do with my Dad and as a result I didn't have proper contact with him for about 10 years and then all hell broke loose My Mum used to boast to people about me not going to see him; strangely it didn't bother her so much my sister going to see him (every weekend) I was the "golden" child for the fact that I was "loyal" to my Mum.

Anyway inside I really wanted a relationship with him but was afraid of my mum's reaction, and anytime I spoke to him I was quite hostile (although I never demanded money) simply because I had to put up a guard.

OP I would stop paying CM but would continue to give him some money, perhaps one time suggesting that if he wants the money then he has to meet your DH somewhere for a chat etc. This has gone on for so long that this might be the only way that he knows how to communicate with his dad.

I may not be right but don't children/young adults of that age have to be in education until they are 18?
If I were you I would still "pay for him" - the cash for the caravan trips and bikes would stop if you feel he is taking the piss but I would pay the equivalent amount into a savers account for him so one day when he is hopefully more mature and you hopefully have a better relationship he would know you did save money for him.

And also don't you have to pay CSA until they are 18?

daddy - legal liability for child maintenance stops when the child is 16, unless the DC is in full time education, in which case, liability continues for up to a further two/three years (assuming the child remains in f/t education) in line with child benefit.

While 16-18 year olds have to remain in some form of education, it does not have to be full time education - and many apprenticeships are full time, paid positions, with training and assessment "on the job" resulting in a further qualification. The young person is registered with a training provider, and receives on the job visits from a trainer/assessor, but the work to achieve the qualification is part of the day to day work in the post.

This has, sadly, resulted in some DCs who would otherwise benefit from a vocational route into a career or profession being "encouraged" by their RP to remain at academic focussed 6th form, in f/t education, in order to guarantee that CM payments continue.

Thank you South that's probably helpful for the OP and also helps me with what I was unsure about.

South. My dss was apparently told by mum that he had to do well in his gcse's because "I don't want to pay for you to go to college and you're not doing an apprenticeship because I'll lose a lot of money".

Heaven forbid, she wish him well in his gcse's because of his academic achievement.

I would agree with giving notice now that CSA payments will stop when DSS1 reaches 18. His 18th birthday seems a natural time to draw the line.

Definitely keep the relationship going as much as possible - even text is better than nothing - but it seems completely reasonable to meet any requests for non-emergency cash with a "why don't you pop round to see us/meet your dad somewhere & we can have a chat about it?"

DaddyPig - the new leaving age was tapered in. If the boy is seventeen now, he is legally allowed to leave school/training now if he wants to. One of my daughter's friends, the same age, is a NEET, and I'm sad about it because she's an able girl who got good GCSEs and seemed to have a bright future ahead of her. But she is allowed to do it.

For those a year younger it's 17, and then for those a year or more younger than that it becomes 18.

scifi there will never be a requirement for it to be F/T further education, though?

CB and CM both end at 16, unless the DC is accessing F/T education?

Like Petal, we don't financially support dsd1 any more now that she's 18. She's been totally nc for 4 years now with no signs of wanting a relationship, though dh continues to send cards and to try periodically to reinstate contact (she ignores his texts and calls). She's an adult now who has chosen her own path - one that doesn't involve her father, half brother and me.

However the op does still have some contact. I would advise a response next time along the lines of what others have said - happy to support but suggest meeting up to discuss further. Don't be a cash cow any longer though.