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Step-parenting

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Original poster

WWYD? Money for teen who doesn't see us

36 replies

zebrano · 15/09/2015 23:01

We have a situation where we have a 15 year old DSS in regular contact with us - visits every week, holidays with us etc and a 17 year old DSS who we haven't seen for 5 years. According to the DSS2 (the one we see) it's pretty much a scapegoat vs golden child relationship between the two lads so we do feel strongly that DSS1 has been alienated from us (as a younger child we had a great relationship) but who knows what's gone on.

Anyway, despite DSS1 not seeing us at all for 5 years he does regularly text DH asking for money etc. Most times we give something but maybe not the entire amount he requests. E.g. When asking for £90 for a bike DH sends £50. When he wanted to go to a caravan with his friends we sent £40.

This is on top of full CSA and generous birthday/Xmas cash... Plus if we give DSS2 a few quid we always send the same for DSS1.

We have done this because we have desperately hoped that it would keep the 'relationship' going. It's the only way, from this distance, we can show DSS1 we love him!

Last Xmas DSS1 dropped out of college, we understand CSA liability for him should have ended there but we were happy to pay as he wasn't working and still finding his way. Now he has texted DH last month asking for us to take out a phone contract (DH said no) and this month asking for money to get him a travelcard to work.

Turns out he's now doing a paid apprenticeship earning £650 per month, which is great, but we think it's time for us to stop paying the CSA and let him manage his own finances, especially as the only contact is texts (and these texts cut straight to the chase! No 'how are you, dad?') DH had tried to reach out and suggests meeting DSS1 every time - DSS1 says there's no problem but he's too busy to meet DH.

DSS2 (who we see) feels very strongly that we should stop giving DSS1 money - he says that DSS1 brags about 'milking his dad for all he can get' etc.

Just wondering then - WWYD?
Regarding CSA (which we have already technically overpaid for 10 months) and regarding cash requests?

OP posts:
SpendSpendSpend · 15/09/2015 23:06

Sounds a right bloody brat.

Like fuck would i be paying csa or giving him any money whatsoever.

Time he grew up

rollonthesummer · 15/09/2015 23:09

No, I'd say enough is enough.

Lolimax · 15/09/2015 23:10

I'm a mum and step mum. Stop with the maintenance and the bank of dad (and therefore you). He's a paid apprentice and a spoilt brat and unappreciative.

tribpot · 15/09/2015 23:13

I would separate out the two issues. You are stopping the money not because he doesn't see you (whilst his brother does). It is purely because he is now working.

Original poster
zebrano · 15/09/2015 23:16

We do feel like that too sometimes, but then we would just love to build a relationship with him so we just go along with it to keep the door open.

DH asked the CSA's advice and they said that if DSS1 is earning then liability to pay has ended, however his mum is still registered for Child benefit so DH would need to report her to HMRC and gave him the number. Not sure we could do that!

OP posts:
Original poster
zebrano · 15/09/2015 23:20

I'm glad you are all saying this, as this is what we feel deep down. There's just a pit in my stomach that if we stop giving him cash we'll never even hear from him again. But at the same time I think DH is being manipulated.

OP posts:
Pinkandbluemcdonald5 · 15/09/2015 23:28

Is there more to this story? This is a young man who hasn't been involved with his dad. I don't know how this family situation has happened, but he is a student. He is learning a trade and needs to be supported through it.

I understand the younger one is lovely, but it is likely he was too young to understand mum and dad breaking up?

Wdigin2this · 15/09/2015 23:38

Of course DH is being manipulated, but you're lucky in that at least he discusses the situation with you....my DSC manipulates the hell out of my DH and I'm not even allowed a say/opinion on it!
If you both feel too badly about ending the cash flow, stop the CSA payments, and tell him that whilst he stays in the apprenticeship, you'll pay for his monthly travel card, (send checks made out to the bus/train company) but apart from generous Xmas/Birthday gifts there will be no other cash from you, and if he ends contact because of it, you have to ask yourself whether you've been taken for a financial ride!
If DSS's mother is still claiming child allowance for a DS who is working, surely that is fraud!

Original poster
zebrano · 15/09/2015 23:41

The story.. DH separated from his ex when boys were 6 and 4. He/we had a great relationship with the boys for 6 years, but it was fraught with access issues, eventually they moved away and contact was stopped for 2 years. In the meantime we spent a lot of money on solicitors trying to find them and get access. Then one day DSS2 happened to cross the road in front of DH's car and they have had a close relationship ever since. DSS1, on the other hand, has never seen DH since although has had text contact.

DSS2 is criticised on a daily basis for resuming contact with us and spends a lot of time at his nan's as a result, he is in year 10 and plans to move in with us when he's finished school (his mum has told him he either has to live in a caravan in the garden or move in with us!)

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas1 · 16/09/2015 00:06

I'd ask to see him and say that his Dad is happy to support him in some way, but it needs a conversation. Then talk about a more consistent way of giving him money - perhaps getting his books. If he doesn't want to meet, then just keep reiterating it - that his Dad loves him etc but that they need to see each other. Don't give any money until he does. This is crazy and will go on forever if you don't reach out. Say that even if he has a good reason not to meet - that you need to know what this is. Open up all the channels for discussion.

Wewereneverbeingboring · 16/09/2015 07:36

You know what they say about the definition of insanity...

Your DH throwing money at DSS1 has done nothing in 5 years to rekindle a relationship with him. If anything it will just fuel his opinion that DH is good for nothing apart from being an ATM. I appreciate DH wants to show he cares but his son clearly doesn't see it this way any more than he thinks his employer loves him because they pay him.

You can't force someone to have a relationship with you, DH has already done enough to demonstrate to his son that he is loved and supported so it's time that DSS1 either starts reciprocating a little or stops asking for cash.

Also the last thing you want is for his brother to become alienated from you because of the perceived injustice. I'd be more worried about maintaining a good relationship with DSS2's rather than risk losing both lads.

merrymouse · 16/09/2015 07:40

Don't send him money.

The next time he asks for something say that you are happy to meet him to discuss what he needs and what he is doing.

MythicalKings · 16/09/2015 07:46

He'll have to stop paying sometime, so it may as well be now.

Continue with the birthday and Christmas money to keep the door open but it's time he and his mother realised your DP is not a money tree.

MeridianB · 16/09/2015 08:58

I agree with Wewerenever, merrymouse and Mythical.

I wouldn't get involved with HMRC though - that's for his ex to face up to.

lunar1 · 16/09/2015 09:27

How long is it till his 18th birthday? If it's not too far away I'd suggest your do gets in contact with his ex now and says he will stop it when he turns 18. ????I know he is working so dh doesn't have to pay but dds2 may face repercussions for being the reason you know about the change in circumstances. You need to weigh up the cost of the remaining payments with the effect on your other step son.

Penfold007 · 16/09/2015 09:35

What a rude and entitled young man. DP needs to stop enabling his behaviour. Stop the maintenance etc, it's up to ex wife to sort out child benefit situation.

Finallyonboard · 16/09/2015 09:38

'we have a 15 year old DSS in regular contact with us'. No, you have a step son, your DH has a son!

Petal02 · 16/09/2015 09:42

DH's daughter chose to stop visiting/speaking to him when she was 14/15. Obviously he still had to pay maintenance til she finished 6th form. In the first few years of no contact, he sent a few expensive presents and offered her holidays, but once he realised it was getting him nowhere, he stopped.

We give DSS as much financial support as we can, and to be honest he's ended up getting more due to his sister's absence (which has been noted by DSD and the ex) but whilst we're happy to help someone who we have a relationship with, it's a bit different about those who have chosen to stay away.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 16/09/2015 09:46

From experience, I know that the CSA will not close a case in these circumstances unless they receive confirmation from HMRC that CB is no longer payable.
And, HMRC have no reason to investigate the claim, unless someone reports the ex.

I've always thought this creates an adversarial situation, but not sure what the alternative is.

MabelSideswipe · 16/09/2015 09:50

I wouldn't set too much store on the younger son's version of reality really. He may be stirring.

VimFuego101 · 16/09/2015 09:51

In the case of the travel card, I might actually consider paying it since it would help him get off to a good start with work. Since he would then be earning, though, that would be the end of handouts!

DixieNormas · 16/09/2015 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lighteningirl · 16/09/2015 09:55

We have this contact with one (just about) alienated from the other despite a very good early relationship. My heart goes out to you but you need to stop paying him anything. Please don't blackmail him into seeing you by saying you will only give money if you see him, just stop and hope that one day the adult he becomes will want to see you. And well done for keeping up the csa we have done this for our beloved alienated ds/dss who left school at 16 and has been to college/done an apprenticeship/worked in a call centre. We strongly feel his mum still needed help with paying for him even tho the csa finished.

jorahmormont · 16/09/2015 09:58

Finally way to turn this on the SM so that she is wrong in some way. I'm sure she knows that DSS is his father's son, but it's easier to say "DSS visits us regularly" than "I have a DSS who is my husband's DS who we see regularly".

Some people will do anything to find fault with the SM.

Finallyonboard · 16/09/2015 10:07

She didn't say;"DSS visits us regularly". She said; 'we have a 15 year old DSS'. 'They' don't have a step son - she does. What does your DH think he should do for his son OP?

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