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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

New partner putting DD first

46 replies

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 15:43

I wasn't sure whether to post in AIBU, but it involves step children so I though I'd start here.

I'm relatively recently separated from my DH and I have three children. I recently met an old childhood sweetheart on FB and we have been chatting intensely for about 3 months and our relationship has developed quickly, but he lives a long way from me.

He was planning to move back down nearer me as he has a DD living here too with his ex. The relationship was not a happy breakup and he had to fight for access, but she still doesn't stick to the rules and plays games etc. He's just building his relationship again with his DD after many years of not seeing her. This is part of my attraction to him as I know he's a good dad. He has recently talked about me meeting her and us possibly getting married in the future, so I know he's serious about me and I'm thrilled as I feel we are in love.

My relationship with my DH broke down over many years so I feel I am ready to move on. Whilst all this has been going on my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I've been spending a lot of time caring for her over the past few months. My new 'partner' has been very supportive through this time and said he would visit me when the time came and I needed him.

So my mum is currently very ill, and my new 'partner' came to visit at the weekend and we spent a long time chatting and getting to know each other again. I definitely knew from that, that I want to be with him. We spent a day together, then he went to stay with his mum to visit his daughter. We loosely arranged to meet up again during the next few days. He's now spent three days with his daughter and barely said hello to me. I tried to contact him to meet the other day, but he was a bit shifty and agreed to meet for a walk, but when we met he was very quiet and distant and said his daughter was having a difficult time with him living away. I listened to everything he had to say, then he said he needed to collect her from school.

I feel a bit abandoned, as he primarily said he was coming to stay and be with me and help me get through the hard time I'm having with losing my mum, and yet I now feel he really just wants to spend time with his daughter. I also helped fund his trip down as he's between jobs because he'll be moving near hear soon. Today he didn't ask to see me at all, so I confronted him and asked if it was what he really wanted, and that I felt a bit like he wasn't supporting me as he'd said he would. He reacted defensively saying was I asking him not to spend time with his daughter. I said that didn't feel like that at all, I just wanted him to make time for me too. He said he would, but I just think actions speak louder than words.

Am I being over sensitive about the whole situation? Before all of this he was very loving and supportive and I feel like I've damaged the relationship but forcing an ultimatum. But! I don't want to be a fool and get involved with him if he's not committed to me. Is this a red flag?

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 15/09/2015 16:35

Hey wannabe, you could've corrected my typos!

I know that I am a TOTALLY different person from the one I was at 21. And I have different priorities in a relationship now. If you had been "meant to be" you would still be together now and not lost touch

Don't get fooled by that false intimacy from years ago. You have other people - and yourself - to think of.

I opften think of my uni years BF lustfully but I wouldn't want to be with him now

Original poster

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 16:37

wannaBe we split because he moved away and I went to uni, I was 21 so yes, pretty young. We lost touch over the years but I did always think about him and he says the same. Overall I have been more cautious, I wouldn't ever put my kids in a risky position. I'm generally secure with a house and job so don't need anyone to support me. He's the one who's wanting to move fast

OP posts:

Original poster

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 16:40

oops posted twice

OP posts:

CloakAndJagger · 15/09/2015 18:03

I'd drop him. You helped pay for him to come and visit you and help you while your mum was ill. He's seen it as an opportunity to spend time with his DD.
While its natural that he wants to see his DD, it's not quite on to drop the person who's helped you get there.

Call it quits now before you go any further. You're opening your door to a whole raft of shit you don't need when you're not long out of a relationship yourself.

lunar1 · 15/09/2015 18:20

Great dads don't often not see their children for years.

KatharineClifton · 15/09/2015 18:23

I hope you didn't pay him much money to visit as it's all wasted cash!

He's a non-starter I'm afraid.

mysticlogistic · 15/09/2015 18:42

Is this a red flag?

Yes and not the only one in that post I'm afraid OP. I would literally run for the hills if i were you and I'm not one to call LTB.

You've done absolutely wrong and we've all had a rebound at some point lets face it, but thats all this is. You have recently ended a meaningful relationship and sought a new one too quickly with somebody who can "fix things", who can be your source of comfort when you need it the most. Who can give you dreams again of a happy ending when one has just finished. You've been swept off your feet but you are right to question it so soon and to notice the red flags. Thats your intuition and basic instinct kicking in.

Actions do speak louder than words but not everybody tells the truth. People can be charming convincing and very persuading but its a bit like the media. Not everything they say is true is it. And you're only seeing what he wants to see and fundamentally what you want to see.

He's saying : I want to get married to you
You're thinking : He's really keen this feels great
You should be thinking : We've not been in touch for years and not even met each others children or established a proper relationship yet. How can you want to marry someone without properly getting to know them inside out.

He's saying : I had to fight for access to my child, I didn't see her for a long time
You're thinking : Ooh what a good dad he must be jumping through hoops and fighting tooth and nail to see his kid
What you should be thinking : Why wasn't he allowed access to his daughter? Did he do something that he is hiding? How has he treated his daughter and ex wife in the past?

Fact, most if not nearly all men convicted of domestic violence, even serious assaults towards their partners where children witness if not are directly involved or hurt STILL GET ACCESS TO THEIR CHILDREN THROUGH THE LEGAL SYSTEM QUITE QUICKLY.

Its very rare for a man to fight and have a "no contact" order put in place, and even if the woman fights for no contact, contact can be back in place within weeks as they look at best interests of the child and order fact finding hearings, so this would be a massive red flag to me, I would be wondering what he had done for there not to be access and aware of the way he treats his ex wife and talks about her as that could well be you next.

People change. He's not into it because he sounds like an utter arse and if i've got the wrong vibe I'm so sorry it just rang massive alarm bells to me. Block and delete.

swingofthings · 15/09/2015 18:52

Don't give up on the relationship, you never know, but yes, it isn't looking good. From what you are saying, you were arranging to meet again for the 2nd time, he asked you for money as not enough to come (BIG MASSIVE red flag), and then ignores you and becomes defensive that he is here for his daughter.

I personally run away from men, however supportive and loving they can be, who becomes defensive right away when challenged about their behaviour. Acceptable response would have been for him to say that he was sorry to upset you, that clearly you misunderstood each other, that he does want to spend time with you too, and that next time he comes, he stays longer and spends a full day with you (and then stick to it).

lunar1 · 15/09/2015 19:14

It's not a relationship it was a first date!

mysticlogistic · 15/09/2015 19:21

What lunar said.

Mehitabel6 · 15/09/2015 19:23

Children always, always, always come first IMO and adults handle it.

Mehitabel6 · 15/09/2015 19:25

I think you are reading far too much into it and need to take a step back.Slow it all down.

Original poster

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 21:54

Swingofthings he did say he was sorry and hadn't planned to spend so much time with his DD but she has a lot going on with her step dad and he was worried she's becoming anorexic.
I've told him I think we should cool it for a while until he moves down at Christmas. Then we can take it one step at a time, he said he's happy with that and will wait for me to be ready.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 15/09/2015 22:16

If, within such a short time, you're already resentful of time spent with his DD, this is not the relationship for you! You need to concentrate on your own life/problems right now, and looking for support and love from a man you really don't know, (even though you once knew him) is not the way to go! And I think the red flag is the fact that, he took travel money from you at such an early stage!

CloakAndJagger · 16/09/2015 07:20

Lottiegal - this sounds like you're leaving it as a maybe.

This won't get better with him. Just don't end up forking out any more for him, and don't get too blindsided by empty Internet words between now and when he moves down.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/09/2015 07:29

Where will he live when he "moves down" OP?

lunar1 · 16/09/2015 09:05

What a catch, he apologised for spending too much time with a troubled, maybe anorexic daughter who he had hardly parented. He talks about marriage and moving down to you on a first date. ????This isn't a red flag, it's a huge neon sign with a barbers shop quartet telling you that he is no good. ????You sound vulnerable if you are buying into this guy. Don't make yourself more vulnerable by buying into it, or a few years down the line you will be another crazy ex who won't let him see his kids.

lunar1 · 16/09/2015 09:06

Apologies, I'm testing the new app and all my paragraphs are showing up as ????

BitOutOfPractice · 16/09/2015 09:10

Lunar I'd say you should report that as a glitch eh? I've seen a couple of people's posts doing that, so now I know

lunar1 · 16/09/2015 09:32

I have reported it, thanks. Maybe I should blame all my typos and bad grammar on it too!!

Purplerain067 · 18/09/2015 11:12

Sorry about your Mum I think finding support elsewhere to get you through this is a must. A close friend? Family?

A similar thing happened to me quite a few years ago, someone I was besotted with in school showed up and I thought it was meant to be, I was swept off my feet and obviously quite delusional. He wasn't the same person I knew in school and things didn't work out but the idea of it working out was a dream to me- silly now I know.

Take a step back is all the advice I have as I know you won't want to call it off completely. Although knowing now what I didn't know then, I would run for the hills and focus on myself for a while.

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