Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

New partner putting DD first

46 replies

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 15:43

I wasn't sure whether to post in AIBU, but it involves step children so I though I'd start here.

I'm relatively recently separated from my DH and I have three children. I recently met an old childhood sweetheart on FB and we have been chatting intensely for about 3 months and our relationship has developed quickly, but he lives a long way from me.

He was planning to move back down nearer me as he has a DD living here too with his ex. The relationship was not a happy breakup and he had to fight for access, but she still doesn't stick to the rules and plays games etc. He's just building his relationship again with his DD after many years of not seeing her. This is part of my attraction to him as I know he's a good dad. He has recently talked about me meeting her and us possibly getting married in the future, so I know he's serious about me and I'm thrilled as I feel we are in love.

My relationship with my DH broke down over many years so I feel I am ready to move on. Whilst all this has been going on my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I've been spending a lot of time caring for her over the past few months. My new 'partner' has been very supportive through this time and said he would visit me when the time came and I needed him.

So my mum is currently very ill, and my new 'partner' came to visit at the weekend and we spent a long time chatting and getting to know each other again. I definitely knew from that, that I want to be with him. We spent a day together, then he went to stay with his mum to visit his daughter. We loosely arranged to meet up again during the next few days. He's now spent three days with his daughter and barely said hello to me. I tried to contact him to meet the other day, but he was a bit shifty and agreed to meet for a walk, but when we met he was very quiet and distant and said his daughter was having a difficult time with him living away. I listened to everything he had to say, then he said he needed to collect her from school.

I feel a bit abandoned, as he primarily said he was coming to stay and be with me and help me get through the hard time I'm having with losing my mum, and yet I now feel he really just wants to spend time with his daughter. I also helped fund his trip down as he's between jobs because he'll be moving near hear soon. Today he didn't ask to see me at all, so I confronted him and asked if it was what he really wanted, and that I felt a bit like he wasn't supporting me as he'd said he would. He reacted defensively saying was I asking him not to spend time with his daughter. I said that didn't feel like that at all, I just wanted him to make time for me too. He said he would, but I just think actions speak louder than words.

Am I being over sensitive about the whole situation? Before all of this he was very loving and supportive and I feel like I've damaged the relationship but forcing an ultimatum. But! I don't want to be a fool and get involved with him if he's not committed to me. Is this a red flag?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2015 15:46

So you've only actually met once?

NullaBore · 15/09/2015 15:48

You absolutely know you're being ridiculous. You don't even really know this guy. Talking marriage already?

Of course he should put his dd before you. This is the problem witj dating someone with dc, you think you should come first im his life when realistically (and rightly so) you never will.

Original poster

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 15:51

BertrandRussell we had a relationship when we were younger

OP posts:

Original poster

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 15:51

NullaBore, he was talking marriage not me

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 15/09/2015 15:52

You've met him once since you've started chatting again? Of course he needs to put his daughter first, especially as he is rebuilding a relationship with her. You need to slowly build up a relationship with him, chatting over the internet different to meeting people in person.

AnnieNon · 15/09/2015 15:55

You split up recently

You started this relationship recently

I think you need to slow right down.

You are investing way way to much in him. His proclamations of love and talk about marriage are crazy - it's way too soon.

So, yes you are being over sensitive and sound a bit needy. Give yourself some time.

ShammyDavis · 15/09/2015 15:56

Back off completely and let him come to you.

I would be very wary that he's using you as a convenient link to be near his daughter.

Or at best he's too focused on rebuilding a relationship with his daughter to have time for a new relationship with you, which you can't really object to.

Cool off for a bit.

NullaBore · 15/09/2015 15:56

Doesn't matter OP who mentioned it, you're parading it around like it's meant to mean something.

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2015 15:58

And stop calling him your "partner". He isn't. He's somebody you used to know you're chatting to on Facebook.

Fairylea · 15/09/2015 15:59

Sorry op but this is madness. You barely know him. Just because you knew him once doesn't mean you know him now. You need time on your own to find out who you are again having come out of a difficult marriage (says me who has 2 divorces and jumped far too quick into my second marriage from my first.. at the time I didn't think it was too fast).

Bellebella · 15/09/2015 15:59

You are moving way too fast. He should be rightly concentrating on his daughter. Give yourself time, you have only recently split from your husband so no need to rush into a serious relationship right now with a man who has other things going on. I would be having fun dating to be honest not talking about marriage again.

Take a step back, if he wants to see you he knows where you are.

GrizzlebertGrumbledink · 15/09/2015 16:00

Oh dear. I think it's easy to get carried away in the excitement of a new (or rekindled I suppose) romance and jump in with both feet. Of course he should prioritise his children, I'm sure you would too if it came to it.
Find some emotional support elsewhere whilst you're going through the difficult time with your mum - a good friend or family member. Once you're healing and less emotionally vulnerable you hopefully won't mind him prioritising his daughter. Give both of you time and space - there's no way you'll win with ultimatums.

Wewereneverbeingboring · 15/09/2015 16:01

"I just think actions speak louder than words."

Exactly. He can be all lovely and supportive when it doesn't involve him actually doing anything, but when it comes to the crunch it's all about him.

I guess you don't so much have an issue with him seeing his daughter, but that he hoodwinked you into part paying for the trip on the pretext that the visit was for you too. I don't blame you for feeling let down - bin him.

Sorry to hear about your mum

PotteringAlong · 15/09/2015 16:01

I think you need to give your head a shake. He's essentially a stranger off the internet you've met once, regardless of previous status.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/09/2015 16:01

Oh lord.

You don't know this man. He's waving every red flag in the book. You reckon you're in love and want to be with him on the strength of one meeting. And you rxoect Him to put you before his own child.

OP I'm sorry for your loss but you really do need to get a grip of yourself.

swingofthings · 15/09/2015 16:03

It's not that you are being too sensitive, it is that you are moving WAY WAY too quickly. You have only been talking to this guy for a few months, only seen him a handful of time and already you are seeing yourself married with him.

All you know right now is that you are falling in love with him, nothing else. That's very little to go by to decide that he is the man for you for the rest of your life. You don't know if you'd get along living together, if you'd get along with his DD, if he would get along with your DC, and then there is everything else that you know nothing yet about.

That's where the issue of his attitude this week-end falls under. There might be many things you still have to discover and unravel. The fact you had a relationship when you were younger means nothing at all as much will have happened since.

I think you need to take a massive step back emotionally and just agree to see how things progress. Take this as a message of what things might really be like, that indeed, maybe his daughter comes first, but also that maybe there is more to it with the ex than he says, that he clearly is not a great communicator as he should have told you before that he wouldn't be able to see you much.

LIZS · 15/09/2015 16:03

His dd needs him , has not seen much of him recently do they hs e the opportunity to spend more time together. She is and should be his priority. If you are going to get jealous( or perhaps suspicious) of this then might as well give up now. You barely know each other, are on the rebound. Take a step back.

Original poster

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 16:04

Really this confirms all my initial fears, I had told him he was crazy talking of marriage etc, I was way more cautious. I think I'll take a step back, I've obviously been enticed in by the emotional support he's been giving, but rightly so this doesn't necessarily mean anything solid. It's just not something I wanted to face with my mum being so ill

OP posts:

wannaBe · 15/09/2015 16:09

"is this a red flag?" no, but to him, wanting him to spend time with you rather than his dd should be seen as one.

He is not your partner, he is an ex you have recently reconnected with on facebook. Incidentally, why did you split up the first time?

Ultimately, if this is meant to work then it will, but having only spent one weekend together you really can't start thinking about introducing the kids and so on, plus if he has recently gained greater contact with his dd it's only natural that he will want to spend as much time with her as possible.

You need to slow right down, get to know each other properly, you've had a whole lifetime since you saw each other last, you're not the same people any more. And most importantly, recognise that his dd is far more important to him than you will ever be. Would you be happy if he was pissy over you spending time with your dc rather than him? no thought not.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/09/2015 16:10

op read the relationship board here.

A man moving in fast and heavy with on vulnerable woman (recently divorced and bereaved) is a MASSIVE great big red scarlet crimson flag.
Honestly, you need to take care of yourself from men like this.

And whatever you do, don't introduce him to your kids

ShammyDavis · 15/09/2015 16:10

Emotional support is wonderful in times like this, but it's very cruel if someone whips it away from you when you've come to rely on it.

wannaBe · 15/09/2015 16:13

it may be that because you knew him previously you've allowed yourself to rekindle feelings you had once, and as such you feel permitted to think about a future, etc. Did you ever talk about a future when you were together before?

Internet communication can be very intense, not least because you only have to communicate when you feel you want to do so or are in the right frame of mind, so it's very easy to remain in that place where you both tell each other what you want to hear, respond in the right way etc.

But you have both lived different experiences since that past time. Things have changed. And it may be that you do in fact have a future together, but you also need to think about why you split previously and whether that which caused the split before is something which would still present issues now, as well as the fact that there are also children involved.

wannaBe · 15/09/2015 16:16

"A man moving in fast and heavy with on vulnerable woman (recently divorced and bereaved) is a MASSIVE great big red scarlet crimson flag." to be fair to the man here (and the op) if they have a previous history then they may not see it as moving too fast. After all, they do have a history already, this isn't the same as having just met online and forming an intense connection overnight.

How many of us have reconnected with a friend from the past for instance, and felt as if we never lost touch? I'd imagine that with an ex that might be the same only more intense because there is a known physical and emotional history there as well hence why it would have been so easy for the op to move forward so quickly.

AdoraBell · 15/09/2015 16:24

Regardless of any relationship he has with you he is a parent first.

So in terms of him putting his child before you it doesn't matter if one of you is moving too fast or there are red flags re talking about marriage at such an early stage.

Original poster

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 16:30

Incidentally we broke up because he moved away and I went to uni, I was 21. This is the days before FB so we lost touch, but he said he always loved me and I often thought of him

OP posts:

Flip

1 2