Stepdaughter(s) - 15 year old unreasonable

[nig3lmac]

Where to begin !!

I am a stepdad to 3 children, I have been with their mother for 12 years and took them all on financially (their dad is a waste of space who has given nothing to them in all the years he has been separated).

Anyway, the middle stepdaughter, 15, has always been fiery and a handful. I have lost track of the amount of rows we have had as a family because of her.

This last two weeks has been the worst, she has fallen out with her best friend who lived opposite (her fault, not the friend opposite) and it all culminated in them rowing on facebook (as teens do) and the girls mother coming over (very reconciliatory) and trying to sort it out peacefully.

My stepdaughter called her a fat c**t and told her to get out of the house, my response to this was horror, my partners response was, well NONE really. The lady left the house shaking her head and I was just left shaking.

My partner still would not address it that night so I felt I had to, I attempted to take my partners tablet PC off the DSD for her to throw it in a full bath and break it, whilst calling me a few choice expletives.

I haven't really spoken to her since.

Last night was much of the same, she was in a mood for some reason so was being totally unreasonable, swearing at her younger brother and threatening to kick him in the face etc etc

I asked my partner if she was going to do anything, to which the response was "yes ignore her, she will give up eventually".

This was not acceptable, so I proceeded to kick up a bit of a stink and basically ended up packing a bag and leaving.

I cannot (or will not) accept either the behaviour or disrespect from this child anymore, or accept her mothers refusal to try and tackle it.

I really am at the end of my tether and was just hoping for some good old fashioned help and advice.

What should I do? Help !!

If you need to ask any questions, please feel free to, I will answer them honestly and frankly.

thanks in advance, I really am struggling with this one !!

Nigel

Bloody hell, I'd be tempted to post on teenagers for practical advice. I can't understand why your wife is happy to let her child get away with this. I think I'd have walked out too rather than have to put up with this.

I think you have done the only thing you can really do! Her mother really needs to get her head out of the sand and deal with it, if she would rather let you leave than address this behavior then i think you know already that she holds little respect for you and places little value on your contribution.I really think that you need to have at least a trial separation, so you can both see what life without each other is like. She may then realise that she needs to buck her ideas up regarding what is acceptable, or equally, you may both realise that you are happier apart. I know that doesn't really help, but I cannot see a solution if she is so unwilling to make any effort to rectify the situation.

Plumpy....couldn't have said it better myself, and I think your advice is very helpful! Nigel, get yourself sorted with somewhere to stay, and tell your partner that everything that has gone on recently, has made you realise you have to have time apart to think about your future, and suggest she does the same!

Nigel, sounds appalling. Is your partner trying the same 'ignore the tantrum' technique that parents of toddlers use? It doesn't sound as if it's working - perhaps she's not seeking attention, so much as pushing her boundaries and finding there are none.

Presumably the older sibling was not like this?

the older one was a bit like it, but maybe once or twice a year where she would lose it for a couple of days.

But she would go to her nans and calm herself down (which was kinda quite mature of her)

Thanks everyone for the advice it means a lot.

I have to be honest I am finding it very difficult.

What I find more difficult is my partners complete indifference when her daughter called the girl's mother a "fat c**t" and also the tablet in the bath incident.

I've been seething about this since then, but also last night which was all because she wouldn't give her any money for something.

I would agree that ignoring toddlers is the right way to go, but 15 is not the right thing to do.

Also, I didn't mention it earlier, her attendance is about 50 - 60% in school and I am sure it is only a matter of time before it gets taken to court. Again her indifference to this (my partner) really annoys me.

I do have my own son, who lives with his mum quite a distance away and I regularly say if he wasn't getting up for school I would drive there and drag him out of bed and down the school - every day if needbe.

Maybe the best thing to do IS to separate, but I will be quite gutted as I do love her, and her son (who I have been part of his life since he was a baby) is actually quite well behaved and a geek like me (likes PCs, Doctor Who etc lol - so we do get on quite well)

Thanks all

^ sounds like I don't love the girls, but after being with them for 12 years I really really do. Its just I actually DON'T like the 15 year old one because of the way she is.

It's not a phase because its been steadily getting worse since she was 12

That is not normal teen behaviour and her mum needs to be pro active in getting help and support for her dd and the whole family.

She needs to see the gp and either get her seen by camhs or referred to a counsellor. She needs to talk to the school especially pastoral care to get support in place and find out why she's not attending' this is a crucial year.

You have done the right thing by leaving as you find this intolerable. You could ask for contact time with your dss who might like one to one time with you plus get him away from the toxic environment at home.

Yep I've had similar - in a different way. But have seen step daughters be incredibly mean and my DP did nothing - and when I intervened came down on their side. I think you did the right thing OP. Otherwise your own relationship with your step child will suffer too. I got undermined so much that my step child, who I tried with so much for 5 years has became so rude and dismissive of me. I'm convinced if her Dad had backed me up we would be quite a happy family by now but as it stands she is going to have a problem socially into her adulthood.

If it's any consolation, I'm going through exactly the same, except that my partner has given me my marching orders - I have to find a flat nearby by Christmas essentially because stepdaughter can't stand me being in the house.
I'll admit that partner and I have had our differences on parenting techniques; she's very laissez faire and I'm more traditional. But I do find it incredibly frustrating when I'm pushed, sworn at and generally abused and nothing is said. OK, the child is 13, but I would hope any parent would want to set boundaries for what is acceptable behaviour and what is not, even for a teen.
As for advice, I can offer little, I'm afraid. Like you, I've tried sucking it up, but without a united front and parental consistency there is no hope.
I still love my partner dearly, but can't see any way of showing her that allowing her daughter to call all the shots at home is a recipe for disaster (I've already overheard the girl telling friends what a weak and stupid woman her mother is, but I'm reluctant to tell my partner is it might be too distressing.)
So, chin up, and remember that they're only teens for a few years - you won't be a punchbag for ever.