partner acting like a child

[cuphamster]

OK, my children go and visit their biological father once a month. he has been useless and at times really useless but he appears to have turned over a new leaf.
My partner has been there since my children were little and has taught them to ride their bikes, been at their first day at school etc. Now he is jealous when they visit their dad.
It really grates on me when he moans that they treat him differently now (they don't) and that they only want him when he is putting his hand in his pocket. And says that because of how they treat him they will get less at bdays and christmas.
It annoys me the way he speaks to them sometimes and i have told him he needs to grow up and stop acting like a kid and he says he wont.
People who have step kids that live with them but visit their other parent, how do you feel? do you feel jealous etc?
Parents who live with a step parent do you experience this behaviour? if you do, how do you deal with it?
I sometimes get so frustrated with it, i end up in tears

That's strange behaviour from a previously good SF! I've never come across it, but assume it is just plain jealousy! Perhaps he's thinking that the fact that he stepped up to the plate and parented them, when their DF didn't want to know, gives him exclusivity with regard to their affection! Maybe they are different with him, but you are not recognising it, maybe he only thinks they are...you'll only find out be discussing it calmly with him!

Your DP has invested emotionally into your DC and is undoubtedly hurt and scared by the realisation that he has been so easily replaced.

I think you need to be reassuring him that he has played a vital role in the DCs lives and that he will continue to be important but that from now on, their dad will meet some of the needs he has been. Whether you can see it or not, the relationship between your DS and your DP will have changed since they resumed contact with their dad.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your DP to back away emotionally and financially - but it should be as a conscious decision to take on a different role in their life, not as punishment.

Sounds like he's feeling insecure and a bit jelous that the DC's relationship with their father is improving. Do you think there's any basis in his claim that they treat him differently now? Do they try to play him off against their dad, or make comparisons? Do you think you need to remind the DC how much their stepdad has done for them, and how much he cares about them, or is it really just all in his mind? Maybe just make an effort to tell him how much you appreciate all he does for them.

Mine have always gone to their dad's a similar amount so my DH hasn't had to get used to anything changing, but he's very good at treading carefully around their relationship. He's never said anything against their dad in front of them, and rarely even in front of me despite a fair few crappy things my ex has done which could invite critisism . But DH does have his own DC, so I don't think expects to be a dad to mine in quite the same way. I feel that my ex and my DH are just such completely different people that they bring completely different things to my DC's lives - and sometimes tell my DC that if they start making any comparisons.

Can you make more use of the times when your DC are at their dad's to do more child-free things together, so your DP starts to see this as a nice bonus of them seeing their dad, rather than feeling jilted?

I sympathise with your DP - although it won't do him any good to be petty. I've put more into my step daughters for years but it was really painful to realise recently that their own mum, who stirs up resentment against me, but hasn't bothered to parent them very much, will always be number one to the extent that they kids are too conflicted to reciprocate any caring with me. Despite what I've done.

It's kind of like being a foster parent and having the kids turn their backs on you when they 'rebond' with their biological parent. It's just one of those things. I think your DP is probably questioning what the point of a relationship is to your kids, if he is so easily replaced.

Whatever other's do and what is right or wrong, your partner is trying to tell you how he feels, and instead of listening, your being very patronizing back. Maybe he doesn't impressed his feelings in the most mature way, but he is trying to tell you that he feels used, and maybe he might have a point to some extent.

How about you go for a walk or something and have a good chat where he tries to tell you in a more grown up way what is troubling him, and you actually listen and try to see the situation from his perspective?